Healing

My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25.  I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago.  I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.

After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry.  I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor.  After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital.  I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.

After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no.  My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room.  To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital.  Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.

After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone.  I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone.  After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.

After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could.  I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken.  He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.

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Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

Some of you will know that I love music.  I always have it on at work in the background and I usually have it on at night when I am designing or surfing the web.  I always seem to have songs for everything that I have gone through or are going through.  When I was pregnant the song “Welcome To My Life” by Simple Plan was how I was feeling.  Every time I hear that song now it brings back all of the memories and feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant.

Right now the song that describes how I am feeling is by Cher from the movie “Burlesque”.  It is called “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”.

I love this song right now because I feel defeated.  There is a lot going on right now that I won’t get into but this song says how I feel right now.  Like the song says you haven’t seen the last of me.  I will get through everything that is going on and I will come out on top!

Do you have songs that explain certain parts of your life?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

MS Tuesday-75%

***This is was originally posted on October 12, 2010.  I am going to be re-posting some of my MS posts because I have gotten so many new followers and I want to share them with my new readers.

I found a stat during invisible illness week that really shocked me but in the same sense it made total sense to me. It said that 75% of marriages where one person has a chronic illness end in divorce. I am shocked by this but I also know it is true because I am one of the 75%. When I worked at the nursing home I saw it all to often. Peoples spouses would leave them once they got sick. On the other had I also saw the husbands that stuck around. I was always in awe of the ones that stayed with there spouses.

It makes me sad that people are so shallow that they leave when things are going as they hoped. It hurts me because I was 100% honest with my husband before we got married and once he finally saw that I was sick he left a few months later. I would never leave someone because they are sick.   I know there are a few good men out there who leave but more than not they walk away.

The reason I am not dating is because I don’t want to deal with another person getting scared and walking away.  Since the MS is basically invisible well at least right now it is people can’t understand that I am sick.  Once they do finally see that I am sick they leave because they “can’t” deal with it.  I just irritates me that so many people are scared by something that affects me but I can’t change that about people.  I know this post is all over the place but it was hard for me to organize my thoughts on this post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Mom . . .

I have been thinking a lot about my own daughter and it has made me think about my own mom.  I have to wonder how my mom can treat me like she does.  I know I could never do what she is doing to me to Brita.  I can’t wrap my head around a mother not caring about her kids.  I understood about her not looking for me but since I have found her she wants nothing to do with us.  I thought mothers loved their children and would want a relationship with them.  I don’t understand how she can just turn off her love for me and my brother.  How do could she just walk away when I was 8 and never come back?  Its like she has just forgotten about us and is able to pretend we don’t exist. 

When I called her on this stuff she told me I didn’t have to mean!?!?!?  Funny thing about it is that I wasn’t mean to her I was just being honest with her and telling her how I feel.  As I read through my email I guess I can see how she thought I was being rude but in the end all I was doing is saying how I felt and she didn’t understand that. As I read through her response back to me it seemed like a whole bunch of excuses.  She is always blaming it on everyone but herself.  What sucks is the fact that since she sent that last email I haven’t heard from her once. I was going to included the actual emails but now that I am thinking about it I have decided that I am going to take them out only because I am hurt and I might regret putting them in the post one day.  I know this post has rambled and probably talked about the same things over and over again but like I always say “This is my blog take it or leave it!”. 

For all you parents out their how do you forget you have 2 children????

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