Lonely

Lonely

I wrote a few months ago or so about my divorce being final and how it made me feel.  I said in that post that I am okay being single which is totally true but I also get lonely.  Now just because I get lonely doesn’t in anyway mean that I am not okay with being single.  In fact I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship.

I guess I need to explain what I mean when I say I am lonely.  I look at everyone in my life and they all have a significant other in their lives and I wonder from time to time if I am missing out.  These thoughts usually come at night when I should be sleeping.  Even though I get these thoughts from time to time I in no way have the desire or energy to try and find someone to date.

I don’t think it matters how happy you are being single you will still have days where you wish you had someone else in your life.  I also am lonely because I don’t have many friends in my life.  Now most of that has to do with me and what I have decided I want in my life.  I went through the people in my life last year and cut out the people who I knew needed to be out of my life.  I didn’t write about it here because I wasn’t ready and I am still not ready to talk about it.  I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready to talk about it and I also won’t put other people’s business out there on my blog.

Anyway this post was more for me to get thoughts out of my head than for anyone else.  I also have a post coming up this week about how I feel about dating and how I hard it is to meet people in this day and age.

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Is That Even Legal????

Legal

I posted last week the I am officially divorced.  I also found out some interesting news last week that floored me and makes me wonder.  I found out that my ex got remarried before we were even divorced.  It looks like he may have gotten married before I even signed the papers.  I remember thinking when he sent them to me that he was in such a rush to get them done that he was either getting remarried and/or has a baby on the way.

Well looks like I was right on the getting married thing.  I have to wonder if his new wife even knows about me and that he was married when he married her?!?!  The bitchy part of me wants to start drama over the whole situation but I know that no good will come of that so I am just going to leave it alone for now.  Maybe after a few months I will email him and tell him he might want to figure out what to do because his new marriage  isn’t legal since he was still married when he got married.  Then the other part of me just doesn’t really care to tell him or her anything.

I have a post coming up about how I felt when I found out the news but I had to post this one first so when that one gets posted you will understand what made me feel that way.

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Its Official. . .

Official

It’s Official. . .I am finally divorced.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a week now and everything I open it and read what I have written I delete it all.  I have had posts in the past that have been hard for me to write and get written down but I never thought that this post would be one of them.  I am not sure how many people know but my husband and I have been separated for years.  In fact it has been so long I can’t even remember how many years it has really been.

We have spent more time apart than we ever did while we were married.  Anyway’s as of June 27th I was officially divorced.   It is crazy to think that I am now starting a new chapter of my life and I am not sure where it will take me but I am interested in finding out.  Most people know tell me that I can date and do things like that and well I am pretty sure I am never going to date again.  I am truly happy being single for the most part.

That being said while I am happy to finally have it done and over with it is also bittersweet and scary.  I am scared because like I said before I am not sure where life will go from here.  I am ready for the ride but scared at the same time if that makes senses.  It is bittersweet for me because I never saw this as an ending for myself.  I never saw my life taking this turn but I am slowly accepting it and moving on with where life will take me next.

I found out some news last week that I am still processing about the whole situation so be on the lookout for that post because it makes me wonder if it was even legal and things like that.

 

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Day 1 #30DayChallenge

#30DayChallenge

If you want to see the list of all the prompts you can click here and go to first post.  Today’s topic is what is my current relationship.  Since it is pretty vague I am going to to write about my marriage.  I am not sure how many people know that I am still married or that I have been married at all.  My husband told me on Christmas day in 2009 ( I believe it was 2009) that he wanted a divorce and he told me through a text message.  The reason we are still married is because I refuse to pay for the divorce because he ran up a credit card that was in our names to almost $11,000 and he expects me to pay it.  I also feel that because he left me on Christmas day that he should pay for the divorce.

 

MS Tuesday-75%

***This is was originally posted on October 12, 2010.  I am going to be re-posting some of my MS posts because I have gotten so many new followers and I want to share them with my new readers.

I found a stat during invisible illness week that really shocked me but in the same sense it made total sense to me. It said that 75% of marriages where one person has a chronic illness end in divorce. I am shocked by this but I also know it is true because I am one of the 75%. When I worked at the nursing home I saw it all to often. Peoples spouses would leave them once they got sick. On the other had I also saw the husbands that stuck around. I was always in awe of the ones that stayed with there spouses.

It makes me sad that people are so shallow that they leave when things are going as they hoped. It hurts me because I was 100% honest with my husband before we got married and once he finally saw that I was sick he left a few months later. I would never leave someone because they are sick.   I know there are a few good men out there who leave but more than not they walk away.

The reason I am not dating is because I don’t want to deal with another person getting scared and walking away.  Since the MS is basically invisible well at least right now it is people can’t understand that I am sick.  Once they do finally see that I am sick they leave because they “can’t” deal with it.  I just irritates me that so many people are scared by something that affects me but I can’t change that about people.  I know this post is all over the place but it was hard for me to organize my thoughts on this post.

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Can’t Argue With Stupid!

I am going to start by saying that this post turned into arant about things that I haven’t written about before.  Now I am sure there will be people who don’tknow the whole situation and will judge me because of what I am going to type.  Just let me tell you that what you are aboutto read is mild compared to what he done to me in the course of our marriageand he is reading this then oh well!!! This is my blog if you don’t like it don’t read it!!
So a few weeks ago my husband sent me a message and asked mehow I was doing because he hadn’t heard from me in months.  I told him to just leave me alone because Iwasn’t happy with him at all.  He thenproceeds to ask why I was mad at him.  Itold him because of the credit card.  Forthose that don’t know the story of the credit card here it is.  While we were married and getting along wegot a credit card for my husband to use instead of taking out cash advancesbecause the credit card had a lower interest rate.  After we split up this last time I finallygot them to turn off the card after the total was to almost $11,000.  So then we are left to pay off that amountbut he couldn’t charge anymore on the card. We needless to say he pays on it from time to time and up until recentlyI have refused to pay on it because I am not the one who ran it up.  Not to mention I have so many doctor billsbecause he took me off of his insurance and didn’t tell me but that is a wholedifferent post.  
Anyway back to the credit card.  I have been getting calls from the creditcard company because he doesn’t pay it like he should.  I have gotten tired of my grandparentsbitching about the credit card company calling all the time so I set uppayments for the next year to shut them up for a year.  After the year is done I will figure out howI am going to pay for the rest of it.   After I tell him I mad about the credit cardthis is the message he sends me “I paid the credit card in October! “  I just sat there with a dumb look on my facebecause of what he said.  I didn’trespond then and I still haven’t responded to him.  Does he really think that you only have topay bills once a year?????  I finallycame to the realization that I can’t argue with someone who is that dumbbecause it is a total waste of my time!
So that is the story of the dumbest thing I have ever hear!

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Day 7

Today the want me to talk about my dream wedding.  Well I did have a wedding and I loved it.  I would say I had my dream wedding because I don’t plan on having another wedding.  I am so done with marriage and men.
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I am going to do another prompt that the SITS girls emailed out.  Today I am going to write about a Christmas I would rather forget.  I would love to forgot Christmas of 2008 when my husband chose that day to tell me he wanted a divorce.  To this day I am not sure why he chose Christmas to tell me but he did.  He has ruined Christmas for me now.  I was never a fan but now I hate it even more.  I am already getting stressed and stuff like that because I know it is coming.  Last year I ended up in the ER with a migraine so only gods knows what this year will be like.
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3 Years

I posted this on my private blog but I don’t care anymore if he reads this so I am going post it here as well!

It is hard for me to believe that today will make it three years that I have been married.  Now that being said we have never had a real anniversary because the first year I was sick in bed from a migraine, year two we were separated and this year three we are officially done just not divorced yet.  For some reason this year is really hard for me.  It is probably because I know him and I won’t ever speak after things are done because of how he treats me and how is always trying to get into my business.  I guess I will never understand why he feels the need to still try and tell me what to do and have to know everything that is going on in my life.  I am going to go through his stuff this weekend and get rid of it all in the next few weeks.  I am done playing his games and he doesn’t think I will do it.  So when he does come to get what was in my storage unit it will all be gone.  I just have no desire to see him or to even deal with him anymore.  I hope he can be happy but I doubt that he will ever truly be happy because of how he treats people.  He doesn’t seem to get why people don’t stay around him very long.  Even his “friends” don’t stay around him very long.  One of his “friends” that knows Tim asked Tim what I was really like because “he knows how Josh is”.  It makes me really wonder what Josh has told everyone about me.  It hurts knowing that someone who supposedly “loved” me can say mean things about to people.  All I know is he has some issues and until he gets them figured out no one will be around him for very long! 

That is all for this post but I am sure I will think of more to write later and I will just update it thenMyspace Comments

Finally This Week Is Half Done!

I want to thank everyone for all the kind words and for sticking behind me.  It is nice to know that I am really not alone in all of this.  Now not only do I have Misti, and Jill I also have people who read my blog and are there if I just need to vent or blow off some steam.  I am so thankful that people can see like I do why I can’t trust him again and why it just won’t work.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster with him anymore.  One day he is nice and caring and then other days he is a total ass about everything.  I just feel like I am going crazy.  Right now he is being nice to me and I hope that is stays this way but god only knows when he will be a dick head to me again.  I am trying to hard to stay positive about the whole situation and know that in the end it will be okay but when he is a jerk it just makes me feel so bad about everything.  I hope that he will figure it out soon or I am going to have to stop talking to him because I can’t continue to do this whole up and down thing with him anymore.  That is it for today because my brain is tired and I am emotional exhausted. 

I hope everyone is having a great day!