The Choice By Robert Whitlow

August 28, 2012 By

the choice by robert whitlow

About “The Choice” By Robert Whitlow

One young woman. Two very different roads. The choice will change everything.

Even as a pregnant, unwed teen in 1974, Sandy Lincoln wanted to do the right thing. But when an ageless woman approached her in a convenience store with a mysterious prophecy and a warning, doing the right thing became even more unclear. She made the best choice she could . . . and has lived with the consequences.

More than thirty years later, a pregnant teen has come into her life, and Sandy’s long-ago decision has come back to haunt her. The stakes rise quickly, leaving Sandy with split seconds to choose once more. But will her choice decision bring life . . . or death?

My Review

I really enjoyed this book.  When Sandy was going through her pregnancy I totally related to how she felt and how hard what she was going to be going through.  I also know how she felt when she didn’t want to see her babies after they were born because I too felt like that when I had my daughter.  I decided to see here when I was alone in the middle of the night which is what worked out best for me.

Anyway there are parts in this book that I didn’t like or don’t understand like how she could separate the boys but I saw her logic I just didn’t like the choice.  The author did a great job of getting all the emotions right when I came to Sandy placing the babies and the emotions leading up to that point.

I think that this is a good book and people who know about adoption would like it.  I am sure there are parts that some people in the adoption community wouldn’t like but all in all it is a good book and one that I am glad that I read.

FTC: I received a free copy of “The Choice” by Robert Whitlow in exchange for my review.  The opinions expressed in this review are 100% my own.

 

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

My Open Adoption Thoughts

June 13, 2012 By

I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so  today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me.  If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:

Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.

Source: Wikipedia

At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed.  I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that.  I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.

For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions.  Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.

Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past.  In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away.  I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.

I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain.  Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Songs Of My Life

May 17, 2012 By

Mama’s Losin’ It
I haven’t participated in the Writers Workshop for a few weeks but I really liked on of her prompts this week.  I am going to write about: 5.) List the songs that tell your life story (so far).  I am sure most of you know that I love everything that has to do with music.  I am just going to list the songs and if you click on the name it will take you to the music video.

  • Welcome to My Life-I first heard this song while I was pregnant and it still reminds me of my life.  I love everything about this song.  I still have days where it is exactly how I feel.
  • Over You-This song is for someone in my past.  I think there is only one person who knows who this song is for.  I am not going to get into the story because it isn’t something I can really talk about yet.
  • In A Hurry-This song is how I am.  I am trying to slow down and just enjoy life but that is always easier said than done in today’s society.
  • I Wonder-This song is how I feel about my birth mom and it says everything I wish I could tell her but I won’t ever say to her.
  • Best Days of Your Life-This is song is for my husband and it is how I hope he feels.
  • Everything to Me-This song is written and sung by Mark Schultz.  He was adopted and he wrote this about his feeling on adoption.  This song is written from the point of view of the child who was placed.  There is a song by Cheire Call who has a song that is written from the birth parents view but I  couldn’t find a video on it.
  • Fly Away-I have a post coming up on Monday about this song so please make sure you come back and see why this song applies to me.

These are the first 7 songs that came to mind when I saw this prompt.

Do you like any of them?

What songs tell you life story?

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Adoption-Pure Love

April 30, 2012 By

I am sure that most of you know by now that I place my daughter for adoption when I was 20.  She will be 7 in July and it is so hard to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been pregnant.  I never thought I was going to make it through the first year let alone 7 years.

I recently found a blog by Tiffany who recently adopted a little girl.  As I was reading through the story of her adoption I found a part in her post that put into words things I have wanted to say for 7 years but could never find the words.  Here is the quote:

 I deeply resent the people who have said, about birth parents, “I can’t imagine ever giving away my child.”  

The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine.  The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go.  This instinct isn’t really the love itself but rather our own heart’s selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.

But birth parents understand that truly loving someone can mean letting go.  It can mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.

It is utter selflessness.  It is true courage.  It is pure love.

I read this quote to my grandma the other night and it brought tears to her eyes.  This says everything that I felt when I placed my daughter but have never found the words to express.  There isn’t much I can really say about it because she says everything that is in my heart.   I really recommend that you should go and check out her blog and read the whole story of her adopting their newest little girl.

What do you guys think of her quote?

 

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

March 28, 2012 By

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Letter To Brita

November 14, 2011 By

This post was originally posted last year during National Adoption Month.  I have updated it and I feel that this can still help other birth mom’s out there.

I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 6.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 6 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

My Adoption Story Part One

October 28, 2011 By

I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption.  This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.

I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University.  I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing.  I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another.  If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.

Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick.  I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter.   I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me.  My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.

I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester.  After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy.  I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in.  They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.

In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt.  The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought.  This is where the story gets weird to say the least.  Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them.  One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out.  I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.  She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works.  If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.

In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18.  Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those.  After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.

After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them.  Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well.  I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that  she needed to try everything that she could to make it work.  After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.

This was such a relief for me.  After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them.  While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant.  I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.

Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own.  I was in labor for about 12 hours or so.  When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born.  They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.

Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita.  There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy??  Did I do the right thing????  Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption????  I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

I Wish Mine Was Happy

October 25, 2011 By

Some of you may know that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby.  I am so excited for her and happy that she is finally getting the family she has wanted for so long so please don’t take this post the wrong way.  When I see how happy she is I wish I could have felt that happiness when I was pregnant.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew that she wasn’t meant for me and that I was going to place her for adoption.  I never got to be excited that I was pregnant.  I see women that are so excited and I wish that my pregnancy could have been like that.  I was so sad the whole time because I knew what the end out come as going to be.  It is hard to explain what it is like being pregnant and knowing that after you give birth that you are going to walk away and place your child with another family.  I also wonder if it would be harder to place a child for adoption if you didn’t know from the start that is what you were going to do.  I don’t regret placing her for adoption but I wish things were different while I was pregnant.

I have been thinking about volunteering to help out other birth moms that have placed their children or are going to be placing them.   While I was pregnant I attended a support group that was held at the agency I went through.  I went through a agency that is run by a church and I think there need to be more groups for birth moms to go.  I know that some people wouldn’t be comfortable attending the group I did because of the ties to the church.  I just see such a need for birth moms to have a place to go and take to others who know how they feel.

People see how I am now and get frustrated because they aren’t were I am.  What they don’t understand is my daughter is now 6 years old and I have had people to talk to about it all.  Now that being said people don’t know that I can’t look at her baby pictures because they make me cry.  I have her pictures when she is older framed and on my walls but I can’t bring out her baby pictures because they make me sad.  I am sorry this post is all over but I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately and I hope I can find a way to help other birth moms.

Ericka’s Story

October 19, 2011 By
Filed Under: Adoption Story, Birth Mom
I was only fifteen going on sixteen when I met my baby’s father. I had a troubling childhood and was failing high school.  Nick had a troubled childhood with his mom and dad never being there, dropping out of high school when he was only sixteen. When he walked into my life I felt everything was gonna be better, due to us having a similar pasts.  We were “dating” for about three months when his mom left him for some guy she had met on the Internet and left Nick with his step-dad and to fend for himself.  I begged my mom for him to move in with us due to him really not having a home. She really didn’t like the idea at all but made rules and regulations that I guess she assumed we would follow. We were young and in “love” and never followed my mothers rules that she had set when he did move in. He would sneak into my room late at night (he was supposed to sleep on the couch) and we always snuck out together even though it was against my mothers rules.  
Months flew by like nothing and I kept falling further behind in school because all my time was with him and I could have cared less about school.  I finally told my mom I was going to drop out of high school and just get a full time job, which I did down the street at Dairy Queen.  A week later (kinda weird right?) I started not feeling right.  I woke up morning and was throwing up, I couldn’t control it and did it all day.  My mom knew something wasn’t right and took me straight to the doctor in which they made me pee in a cup then took my blood. When the doctor came in and said ” I got some not so good news for you.” My mom and I both looked at each other with a blank stare. And I said ” what is the news.” The doctor said ” your pregnant.” I flipped out and all I could do was cry. This isn’t at all what I wanted and I was too young.  When we got back to our house I told Nick and he didn’t even know what to say. We were sitting on the porch that night and I will never forget that night my mom told me “everything happens for a reason.” Two months had passed by without even thinking what was growing in my stomach, my mom thought that it would be better if we moved closer to our family so that they could help. A month later my brother came down and helped us pack the U Haul to move to South Carolina.  Nick and I had talked all about this day, a week before he proposed. The deal was he would stay in Missouri and I would go with my mom and eventually he would move to South Carolina too. 
When we moved here my mom looked into homes for young girls that are pregnant and not knowing what they want.  The first home I moved into I liked but it had its pros and cons just like everything else. Its pros were it got me into cpcc to get my GED and con it was like a prison.  You had to do everything when they said to do it.  Just a pretty strict place for girls that are already uncertain about things and uncomfortable about the situation that they are in.  So I told my mom about everything that was going on and she looked into other homes mean while looking into adoption agencies (I did not know about this).   
My mom called one day and told me she had a surprise for me and that I needed to be ready in thirty minutes, I was all excited till we pulled up in front of an adoption agency. We went in and this girl with a really positive attitude and big red hair greeted us. We went into her office and needless to say I had nothing to say to this woman because this was kinda forced on me. About a week later I met the director of another maturity home even though I was seven months pregnant I still was unsure about what I wanted to do with my unborn child, so they took me in. Once again I was faced with this women with a positive attitude and big red hair. After a couple of weeks sitting there and going through the options I did have I went out to lunch with the big red haired lady. We had a really good conversation and she never forced me into a decision she just told me the pros about adoption and all of its options. I figured out that even if I placed my unborn child with someone that I could have contact, a little, or none at all but the decision was all up to me in which I chose an open adoption because I felt I wanted him to still know that this decision out of love and not because I didn’t love him. 
After careful consideration and knowing that I had to think of my unborn child and not myself, went to my moms that weekend and got onto the adoption agencies website and looked at families and chose three that I would look at there scrapbook (what makes them , there family life, just everything about them. ) So I went to the office and looked over all the scrapbooks and the nice positive attitude big red hair lady said I pulled this one for you to.  So I had four to choose from and I narrowed it down to two, Ryder’s (my son) family is the first I had a meeting with and after our three hour questions back and forth conversation, I knew they were the ones that would raise my unborn child. Ryder’s mom from there on out was at every doctors appointment. We found out I was getting induced on the 19th and we would all meet at the hospital on the 20th. After one full night of them trying to get me to go into labor, I was tired and really hungry and young I asked my doctor if he could just do a c-section. He really didn’t want to do it because I was so young and he believed it was the medicine talking instead of the real Ericka but he did it anyways. Ryder Hayden was born on December 21,2005 at 4:22 pm 9 lbs 6 oz and 21 inches long.  Even though I was in recovery for two and a half hours his mom and dad got to meet him right away because of my mom.  I remember the next three days were really getting to know his mom and dad letting them get to know there son which was such a pleasure. Seeing the look on there faces was priceless and I’m so glad still to this day that i was able to give them a gift so priceless. 
I remember the night before we all went home which was the hardest night of the whole thing not because I was upset with my decision but because I knew I was giving him the best life he could ever imagine. We all went home on December 24th.  He will be six this year and I still cant believe how much time has flown but I would never go back on my decision. I have loved every moment of being able to call and get his updates and being able to talk to him when he wants to.  I love getting the new pictures of him just to see how much he has grown and he is actually starting to look like his parents. (Crazy right?) I haven’t seen Ryder in a couple of years because I felt like I should let them live there life and he know because of his parents that he is adopted and I know when the time is right we will be able to see each other again.

Erika’s Story

July 10, 2011 By
Filed Under: Birth Mom, Birth Stories
It all started when I was 16 yearsold.  I was working at McDonalds at thetime.  An absolutely gorgeous guy walkedin, and I thought that I just had to know him. I had one of my co-workers deliver my pager number (this was beforeeveryone had a cell phone) to him and I figured that was probably going to bethe end of it.  Well, to my surprise, hepaged me later that day.  I was soexcited that a guy that looked that good could possibly be interested in plain littleold me.  We started going out and I wasbeyond thrilled.  He turned 20 not longafter we started dating.  My mom wasn’treally thrilled with the idea of me dating someone that much older, but I,being a dumb teenager, thought it was great. 

     After a couple of weeks of someheavy duty dating, the moment came when we took things to the next level.  We were both very stupid and not reallyconcerned about the consequences of our actions.  That one time was all it took for me to getpregnant.  I remember sitting in thebathroom staring at the test with its positive result.  I was so scared.  I immediately started crying.  How could I have let this happen?  I brought a phone into the bathroom and triedcalling Sperm-man (that is what he shall be known as, from now on).  He didn’t answer, right away so I had tothink of what to do next.  I eventuallywas able to get him on the phone, and told him the news.  His reaction was one of surprise.  We knew we had some serious talking todo.  I knew that I needed to tell my mom,but I just couldn’t do it right away. The next morning, before I left for school, I asked my mom if she wascoming home right after work.  She askedme why I needed to know.  I said that Ihad something to tell her.  Well, sheconvinced me to tell her then.  Needlessto say, neither of us had a very good day. Then the time came for me to tell my dad.  Talk about a scary situation.  We called him that night, and of course hewas extremely disappointed.  As far as hewas concerned, my only options were abortion or adoption.  I, on the other hand, knew that my PrinceCharming (aka Sperm-man) and I were going to raise this baby together and livehappily ever after.  Um….well, that isn’tquite how things worked out. 

     Sperm-man and I continued to seeeach other until I was about 4 months pregnant. He then decided to move on to one of the biggest floozies that the worldhas ever known.  They moved to CAtogether, which is where he learned that she really wasn’t a good choice.  I was still determined to raise this baby,with or without his help.  I got a crib,changing table, bassinet, and other various items.  I was going to make this work.

Then one morning, about a month orso before my due date, I woke up and thought about what a bad situation I wasgoing to be putting this baby in if I continued with my selfish thoughts aboutmotherhood.  I was a junior in highschool, with a year and a half left before graduation.  I was also working full-time at BaskinRobbins after school and on weekends. The only time I would get to see my baby was for the short time beforeschool, and after work.  That wouldn’t befair at all.  I also wasn’t exactlymaking the big bucks at my job, and babies sure aren’t cheap.  I sat down and wrote a list of pros andcons.  The cons outnumbered the pros.  I loved this baby in my tummy far too much toput her into this less than desirable situation.  She deserved more.  She deserved a mommy AND daddy to loveher.  She deserved to be raised where shewould never want for anything.  She deservedto be treated like the princess that she was. She did not deserve to be raised by a babysitter so that her teenage momcould try to prove that she could make this work.  I told my mom of my thoughts and what Ineeded to do.  We contacted an adoptionagency that was referred to us by a friend. I met with a caseworker, and not long after, I got to look at some familyprofiles.  I instantly fell in love withone family.  They had already adopted alittle girl, so my baby was going to have a big sister!  It all felt so right.  There wasn’t a whole lot of time to waste, soa short while later, I got to meet with the prospective parents.  The meeting went really well.  I showed them my ultrasound video and we tookturns asking each other lots of questions.  I decided that they were theright family for my baby, and tried to focus on the realization that this babywas not going to be just my little girl anymore. 

     My due date came and went and shestill hadn’t made her appearance.  6 dayslater, she decided it was time to enter the world.  She was born mid-afternoon, but we didn’tcall the adoptive parents right away.  Iknew that my time with her was limited, and I honestly wasn’t ready toshare.  I spent every possible secondwith her and had her with me all night. We called them the next morning to let them know that she was finallyhere.  They drove up to see her and weall hung out in my hospital room until the last possible second I could bethere.  We didn’t actually leave the roomuntil just before midnight.  I got tohold her in the wheelchair as we exited the hospital.  Handing her over to them was so unbelievablyhard, but absolutely necessary.  I knewshe was going where she belonged and that I was doing what was best forher.  My feelings needed to be set asideto ensure she got what she deserved.  Iwent back to school 2 weeks later.  Idecided to make the most of this decision, and I spoke, for the next few years,to sex-education classes, both junior high and high school, about the consequencesof unprotected sex.  Talking was helpful,but at the same time difficult, because I was the only one there who had placeda baby for adoption.  The other teensthat were talking had all kept their babies. Again, my feelings needed to be set aside so that I could maybe makesomeone think twice before making the same mistake I did.

     The arrangement that I had with the adoptiveparents was for visits several times a year as well as pictures andletters.  Well, unfortunately, that waspretty short-lived.  I don’t want to sayanything negative about the situation, so I’ll skip over a lot of things.  Basically, promises weren’t kept and I had nocontact at all with them from the time she was 4 until this past December, whenI found her on facebook.  She is now15.  I haven’t actually hugged her sinceshe was 2.  I still haven’t had anyactual contact with her, but I have written (via facebook) to her adoptivemother, and have talked to her on the phone once.  Things weren’t going smoothly initially, butwe are now on good terms, and I have a way to contact her, which is more than I’vehad in 11 years.  I even have pictures ofher now! My firstborn baby girl is absolutely beautiful!  She is doing better than I could have ever hopedfor.  She is extremely well adjusted, andeven brags about being adopted!  I can’twait until the day when I can finally hug her again!!   
     I havesince gotten married and had 2 kiddos that I get to be a mother to, andwho really hope to someday meet their big sister.  Being a mother, when you’re ready, is thebest thing in the world!  I now have ahusband that accepts me, drama and all, kids who think I’m the best mommy inthe world (not that they have anything to compare to), and the peace in knowingthat I made the absolute best decision for my first daughter.  The years that passed where I didn’t knowanything about her were beyond excruciating. I was always worried and wondering if she was okay.  I couldn’t understand why I was pushedaside.  Now that I know that she hasn’tsuffered at all and is doing amazingly well, I am at peace. 

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