Adoption Thoughts: Being Sad

Adoption Thoughts

This week for adoption thoughts I am going to talk about something that I have heard over and over that just doesn’t make any sense to me.  If you have missed the past adoption thoughts post you can click here and read them.  For today’s post I am first going to list a couple of definitions of words that I am going to be talking about in today’s post:

Sad

[sad] Spell Syllables

adjective, sadder, saddest.

affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful:

to feel sad because a close friend has moved away.

expressive of or characterized by sorrow:

sad looks; a sad song.

causing sorrow:

a sad disappointment; sad news.

(of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.

deplorably bad; sorry:

a sad attempt.

Obsolete. firm or steadfast.

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sad?s=t

Regret

[ri-gret] Spell Syllables

verb (used with object), regretted, regretting.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.):

He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

to think of with a sense of loss:

to regret one’s vanished youth.

noun

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment,etc.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation:

I sent her my regrets.

a note expressing regret at one’s inability to accept an invitation:

I have had four acceptances and one regret.

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/regret?s=t

Now that you have read those 2 definitions let’s get onto why I am talking about them.  I have had people say to me when I say I am sad about placing my daughter that “they know I made the right choice”.  I know this is said out of love so it doesn’t make me mad in that sense that I am upset that they think I made the “right” choice.  It upsets me just because I am sad about the situation doesn’t mean I regret my choice.  You can be sad about something in your life and not regret the choice you made.  I will never regret my choice because I know it was the right choice for me and for her.  As you saw above them do have similar meanings but they aren’t the same thing.

I am sad about a few things from my past but I don’t regret anything I have gone through.   I spent years regretting choices I made but I have come to realize that I am who I am today because of those choices.  I just want people to know that just because someone is sad doesn’t mean that they think they made the wrong choice or the regret what got them to this point.  It is okay to just be sad about things once in awhile.  I guess this post was more for me than for other people but I wanted to share just another thing I deal with because I am a birth mom.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Thoughts: Things People Say

Adoption Thoughts

This week I am going to write another post in my adoption thoughts series.  This post is going to be about my current thoughts on people telling me “I could never do what you did” and “You are so strong”.  There are times when hearing these things don’t really bother me and I will just say thank you to them but then there are times like right now when hearing both of these things just get on my nerves.

When people say “I could never do what you did” it usually leaves me just staring at them because how do you really respond to something like that.  Up until recently I haven’t really said things back to anyone but now I almost always say “unless you have been in the same situation you don’t know what you would be able to do”.  I know people just say this because they don’t think they could do it but I didn’t think I could do it either until I was in the situation.  I never thought that placing a baby for adoption was something I could handle but once I was pregnant with her I knew without a doubt that it was something that I had to do.  I mean who grows up thinking that they are going to give birth to a child and then place that child for adoption.

Now when people tell me I am so strong this quote always pops into my head:

strong.jpg

Being strong is always relative to the person.  Like the quote says you won’t know what you can do or how strong you are until you have to face it and deal with whatever is happening to you.

I guess the whole thing for me is that I just did what I had to do in the situation that I found myself in.  I know in parts of this post I sound harsh but this is how I feel some days and I don’t want to sugarcoat things or make is seem like these things don’t really bother me.  I have spent many years not talking about how things make me feel and I don’t want to do that anymore.  For the first time I want to be honest with others and even myself.

If there is anything about adoption that you would like me to talk about please let me know and I will work on it for you.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Thoughts: Healing

Adoption Thoughts

This post went to a totally different place than I thought it would but I am going to leave it how it is because I think it will help someone out there.  It also was a great way to get some feeling out that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about.  I want to  THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post & pass it on to someone it may help.

I wrote a post last week about Mother’s Day and I want to do another post in this series.  I am thinking to make this a bi-monthly feature on my blog if that is something you think you would be interesting in reading please let me know in the comments below and I will make sure it happens.  For this post I am going to talk about how the healing process has gone for me over the years.

When I think of how healing has gone all I can think about it how the first year was so hard.  I didn’t know for day to day how I was going to get through.  There were times in the first days and weeks after that I had no idea how I was going to make it through the next hour or even the next minute. There were times where I had to just focus on the next breath because of how much it hurt.   Everyday it got a little easier or it may just may that I found more ways to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t constantly thinking about it.

After the first year things got easier in the fact that I didn’t think about it every minute of everyday but it still hurt.  I know the hardest part for me was not having anyone to talk to about it.  It has always been a closed subject with my grandparents so even today it isn’t something that is talked about and that makes it hard to heal.  I know since I have started blogging about it and even telling some other people about it that is doesn’t hurt as much.

Even though it has gotten so much better I still have days where it is really hard to deal with and I have to focus on the next hour or the next minute to get through the day.  I definitely have triggers and things that I know will make things hard so I try and avoid them as much as possible.  People don’t understand how hard it can be and the triggers so they think I am being rude when I don’t want to be around their newborn babies.

I also have been having a hard time lately helping take care of my brothers son who is 6 months old.  There are times when I feeding him or playing with him I wonder what it would have been like to raise my daughter and take care of her.  When I voice this to people they think that I regret placing her but I will never regret that because I know it was the right choice.  I just start doing the what if’s and that just leads into a vicious cycle for me.  I have had to walk away and take a few minutes to myself to stop the cycle that goes on in my head.

Even though it is so hard for me to take care of him some days it has truly been healing for me.  I personally don’t want to have children and if I didn’t have my brothers son in my life I know there are somethings that I would never be able to heal so I will always thank god for that little boy.

Now I know everyone’s healing process is different and I also know that everyone deals with things differently.  I guess the reason I wanted to write this post is to let people know that it will be okay and it does get better over time.  If you made it to the end I say thank you for taking the time to read this post.  I will be back tomorrow with another book review that I know you will all love.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Thoughts: Mother’s Day

Adoption Thoughts

Mothers Day was a few weeks ago and because it is a hard time for me I couldn’t bring myself to write this post at that time.  I still wanted to write this post in hopes that it may help a birth mom out there know that she isn’t alone when it comes to hating Mothers Day.  I never have been a huge fan of holidays like Mothers Day before but now I hate Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me because I am in a weird place in regards to being a mother in the eyes of people in the world.  It is hard to know that you are a mother but to basically have everyone ignore the fact that you are.  I try and make it a nice day for my Grandma but in the end I always end up just being sad.  This is also one of days that I always wonder what it would have been like had I kept her and decided to parent.  Now that being said I don’t regret my choices because I know I made the right choice for her but you can’t help but wonder sometimes.

I guess I just wish that people in the world we understand that there are different types of mothers and not every mother looks the same.  Just like not all mothers become a mother the same way.  It hurts me to see other mothers talk down to birth mom’s because of the choices we made for our children.  It is also hard because if you don’t know a person placed their child then you have no idea.  It is just a hard place to be and it makes Mother’s Day hard.  It is also seemed from time to time on Mother’s Day that some people rub the fact that you placed your child for adoption in your face and think that he desire to be miserable and in pain on Mother’s Day.

Those are just a few thoughts that I have been having this year about Mother’s Day.  I also wanted to share this video that I found last week.  I knew I wanted to share it with everyone because it spoke to me and it was an amazing idea and it was an amazing video.  I hope it also helps people see that there are different kinds of mothers in this world.  Watch this video and let me know what you think in the comments below.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Stop Trying To Convince Me

Stop

I haven’t ever talked about today’s topic because I know there are people who are passionate about this topic and before now I have never been in a place where I would be able to handle any backlash that comes from this post.  I finally am in a good spot emotionally that I know I can handle anything that comes from me posting this.  Now before I get into the topic of this post I want to let everyone know that I am not writing this to anyone in particular I am just venting.

Anyway lets get on to the topic of this post.  I want to write about people in the adoption world who believe that everyone who places their children for adoption was forced and/or coerced.  I want to talk about this because I am not the type of person who can be forced to do anything let alone place my daughter for adoption.

Now I know that people were and probably still are forced to place their children for adoption.  I also agree with the fact that girls need to know that this can happen but they don’t need to try and convince those of us that placed our children that we were forced to place them.  While I agree people need to know I don’t agree with people trying to convince those of us who weren’t forced or tricked into placing our children like they were.

I am just tired of being told how I should feel and what I should believe when it comes to the adoption of my daughter.  I knew what I was doing when I made the choice that I did.  I wanted to give her everything that I didn’t know if I could ever give her.  I wanted her to have a stable environment, two parents in the home, siblings, and things like that.  My childhood wasn’t stable up until my grandparents got us full time and I didn’t want her to feel what it feels like to not know what was going to happen from day to day like I did.

I hope that this post made some sort of sense.  If you have any thoughts about this please let me know because I am always open to talking about things and hearing other peoples opinions on things but like I said trying to convince me I was forced to placed her isn’t going to get any response from me.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Hi, My Name Is . . .

My Name Is . . .

This was a prompt from last weeks writers workshop and I had to write about it because it was such a fun topic and there are tons of things that could complete the sentence.  I think I am going to just list things that I am and then explain why on some of them.

  • Birth Mom-I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 20.
  • Blogger
  • Daughter
  • Mom to two crazy cats
  • Book lover
  • Introvert
  • Person who truly loves to be alone
  • Huge football fan-I will watch pretty much any game but I love the University of Utah & the Baltimore Ravens.
  • Suffer of an invisible illness-Multiple Sclerosis
  • College dropout
  • Blog Designer

Those are just the few things that came first to me.  I know I could go on and on with a list but no one has time to read that.

How would you answer the sentence?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

8 Years Ago Today. . .

8 Years Ago

As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years.  This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital.  I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.

I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me.  I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something.  So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.

 While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”.  All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.

I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well.  I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers.  I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers.  I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.

After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us.  I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me.  I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying.  My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried.  At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.

Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it.  That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me.  The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again.  That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

The Choice By Robert Whitlow

the choice by robert whitlow

About “The Choice” By Robert Whitlow

One young woman. Two very different roads. The choice will change everything.

Even as a pregnant, unwed teen in 1974, Sandy Lincoln wanted to do the right thing. But when an ageless woman approached her in a convenience store with a mysterious prophecy and a warning, doing the right thing became even more unclear. She made the best choice she could . . . and has lived with the consequences.

More than thirty years later, a pregnant teen has come into her life, and Sandy’s long-ago decision has come back to haunt her. The stakes rise quickly, leaving Sandy with split seconds to choose once more. But will her choice decision bring life . . . or death?

My Review

I really enjoyed this book.  When Sandy was going through her pregnancy I totally related to how she felt and how hard what she was going to be going through.  I also know how she felt when she didn’t want to see her babies after they were born because I too felt like that when I had my daughter.  I decided to see here when I was alone in the middle of the night which is what worked out best for me.

Anyway there are parts in this book that I didn’t like or don’t understand like how she could separate the boys but I saw her logic I just didn’t like the choice.  The author did a great job of getting all the emotions right when I came to Sandy placing the babies and the emotions leading up to that point.

I think that this is a good book and people who know about adoption would like it.  I am sure there are parts that some people in the adoption community wouldn’t like but all in all it is a good book and one that I am glad that I read.

FTC: I received a free copy of “The Choice” by Robert Whitlow in exchange for my review.  The opinions expressed in this review are 100% my own.

 

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

My Open Adoption Thoughts

I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so  today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me.  If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:

Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.

Source: Wikipedia

At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed.  I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that.  I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.

For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions.  Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.

Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past.  In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away.  I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.

I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain.  Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Songs Of My Life

Mama’s Losin’ It
I haven’t participated in the Writers Workshop for a few weeks but I really liked on of her prompts this week.  I am going to write about: 5.) List the songs that tell your life story (so far).  I am sure most of you know that I love everything that has to do with music.  I am just going to list the songs and if you click on the name it will take you to the music video.

  • Welcome to My Life-I first heard this song while I was pregnant and it still reminds me of my life.  I love everything about this song.  I still have days where it is exactly how I feel.
  • Over You-This song is for someone in my past.  I think there is only one person who knows who this song is for.  I am not going to get into the story because it isn’t something I can really talk about yet.
  • In A Hurry-This song is how I am.  I am trying to slow down and just enjoy life but that is always easier said than done in today’s society.
  • I Wonder-This song is how I feel about my birth mom and it says everything I wish I could tell her but I won’t ever say to her.
  • Best Days of Your Life-This is song is for my husband and it is how I hope he feels.
  • Everything to Me-This song is written and sung by Mark Schultz.  He was adopted and he wrote this about his feeling on adoption.  This song is written from the point of view of the child who was placed.  There is a song by Cheire Call who has a song that is written from the birth parents view but I  couldn’t find a video on it.
  • Fly Away-I have a post coming up on Monday about this song so please make sure you come back and see why this song applies to me.

These are the first 7 songs that came to mind when I saw this prompt.

Do you like any of them?

What songs tell you life story?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret
%d bloggers like this: