Adoption Thoughts

Adoption Thoughts-Judging

Adoption Thoughts

This week for adoption thoughts I am going to write about something that was said to me that made me sad for many reasons but I also wanted to see how other people would feel if this was said to them.  A few weeks ago I had a friend who adopted her first child tell me that she felt like I judge her because of her parenting and that she bet I was glad that I didn’t place my daughter with her.

First off I don’t ever judge anyone and their parenting choices because they are doing what they know and just because my parenting choice was different than theirs doesn’t mean that mine was right and that their choices are wrong or vice versa.  All I know about parenting is that the choice I made was right for me and my daughter other than that as long as you aren’t abusing your kids I don’t care the choices you make for your family.

Now on to when she said that she bet I was glad I didn’t place my daughter with her.  I am glad I didn’t place my daughter with her because my daughter wasn’t meant for her or her family.  She was meant to be where she is.  If my daughter had been meant for her than that is where I would have placed her but she wasn’t.  Like I said before I don’t judge anyone on their choices and if I had to go through it all again I know I would place my child where she was meant to be and it wouldn’t matter who those people were.

One thing that has always bothered me about mothers is how they are always judging each other.  Being a mom is a hard job so instead of judging we should be helping each other.  I have always said that I wouldn’t want to raise kids in today’s world so I know I would have any children but if I do change my mind I would want help from people who have done it before me.  I always get sad when I mom’s attacking each other because of choices they make for their family.  You may not agree with someone’s choices but that doesn’t make the wrong and that is no reason to judge them or bully them.  This post went somewhere I didn’t think it would but I am going to leave it because it is true and something I think needs to be said.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret
Adoption Thoughts

Adoption Thoughts: Being Sad

Adoption Thoughts

This week for adoption thoughts I am going to talk about something that I have heard over and over that just doesn’t make any sense to me.  If you have missed the past adoption thoughts post you can click here and read them.  For today’s post I am first going to list a couple of definitions of words that I am going to be talking about in today’s post:

Sad

[sad] Spell Syllables

adjective, sadder, saddest.

affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful:

to feel sad because a close friend has moved away.

expressive of or characterized by sorrow:

sad looks; a sad song.

causing sorrow:

a sad disappointment; sad news.

(of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.

deplorably bad; sorry:

a sad attempt.

Obsolete. firm or steadfast.

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sad?s=t

Regret

[ri-gret] Spell Syllables

verb (used with object), regretted, regretting.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.):

He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

to think of with a sense of loss:

to regret one’s vanished youth.

noun

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment,etc.

regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation:

I sent her my regrets.

a note expressing regret at one’s inability to accept an invitation:

I have had four acceptances and one regret.

Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/regret?s=t

Now that you have read those 2 definitions let’s get onto why I am talking about them.  I have had people say to me when I say I am sad about placing my daughter that “they know I made the right choice”.  I know this is said out of love so it doesn’t make me mad in that sense that I am upset that they think I made the “right” choice.  It upsets me just because I am sad about the situation doesn’t mean I regret my choice.  You can be sad about something in your life and not regret the choice you made.  I will never regret my choice because I know it was the right choice for me and for her.  As you saw above them do have similar meanings but they aren’t the same thing.

I am sad about a few things from my past but I don’t regret anything I have gone through.   I spent years regretting choices I made but I have come to realize that I am who I am today because of those choices.  I just want people to know that just because someone is sad doesn’t mean that they think they made the wrong choice or the regret what got them to this point.  It is okay to just be sad about things once in awhile.  I guess this post was more for me than for other people but I wanted to share just another thing I deal with because I am a birth mom.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret
Adoption Thoughts

Adoption Thoughts: Things People Say

Adoption Thoughts

This week I am going to write another post in my adoption thoughts series.  This post is going to be about my current thoughts on people telling me “I could never do what you did” and “You are so strong”.  There are times when hearing these things don’t really bother me and I will just say thank you to them but then there are times like right now when hearing both of these things just get on my nerves.

When people say “I could never do what you did” it usually leaves me just staring at them because how do you really respond to something like that.  Up until recently I haven’t really said things back to anyone but now I almost always say “unless you have been in the same situation you don’t know what you would be able to do”.  I know people just say this because they don’t think they could do it but I didn’t think I could do it either until I was in the situation.  I never thought that placing a baby for adoption was something I could handle but once I was pregnant with her I knew without a doubt that it was something that I had to do.  I mean who grows up thinking that they are going to give birth to a child and then place that child for adoption.

Now when people tell me I am so strong this quote always pops into my head:

strong.jpg

Being strong is always relative to the person.  Like the quote says you won’t know what you can do or how strong you are until you have to face it and deal with whatever is happening to you.

I guess the whole thing for me is that I just did what I had to do in the situation that I found myself in.  I know in parts of this post I sound harsh but this is how I feel some days and I don’t want to sugarcoat things or make is seem like these things don’t really bother me.  I have spent many years not talking about how things make me feel and I don’t want to do that anymore.  For the first time I want to be honest with others and even myself.

If there is anything about adoption that you would like me to talk about please let me know and I will work on it for you.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret
Adoption Thoughts

Adoption Thoughts: Healing

Adoption Thoughts

This post went to a totally different place than I thought it would but I am going to leave it how it is because I think it will help someone out there.  It also was a great way to get some feeling out that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about.  I want to  THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post & pass it on to someone it may help.

I wrote a post last week about Mother’s Day and I want to do another post in this series.  I am thinking to make this a bi-monthly feature on my blog if that is something you think you would be interesting in reading please let me know in the comments below and I will make sure it happens.  For this post I am going to talk about how the healing process has gone for me over the years.

When I think of how healing has gone all I can think about it how the first year was so hard.  I didn’t know for day to day how I was going to get through.  There were times in the first days and weeks after that I had no idea how I was going to make it through the next hour or even the next minute. There were times where I had to just focus on the next breath because of how much it hurt.   Everyday it got a little easier or it may just may that I found more ways to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t constantly thinking about it.

After the first year things got easier in the fact that I didn’t think about it every minute of everyday but it still hurt.  I know the hardest part for me was not having anyone to talk to about it.  It has always been a closed subject with my grandparents so even today it isn’t something that is talked about and that makes it hard to heal.  I know since I have started blogging about it and even telling some other people about it that is doesn’t hurt as much.

Even though it has gotten so much better I still have days where it is really hard to deal with and I have to focus on the next hour or the next minute to get through the day.  I definitely have triggers and things that I know will make things hard so I try and avoid them as much as possible.  People don’t understand how hard it can be and the triggers so they think I am being rude when I don’t want to be around their newborn babies.

I also have been having a hard time lately helping take care of my brothers son who is 6 months old.  There are times when I feeding him or playing with him I wonder what it would have been like to raise my daughter and take care of her.  When I voice this to people they think that I regret placing her but I will never regret that because I know it was the right choice.  I just start doing the what if’s and that just leads into a vicious cycle for me.  I have had to walk away and take a few minutes to myself to stop the cycle that goes on in my head.

Even though it is so hard for me to take care of him some days it has truly been healing for me.  I personally don’t want to have children and if I didn’t have my brothers son in my life I know there are somethings that I would never be able to heal so I will always thank god for that little boy.

Now I know everyone’s healing process is different and I also know that everyone deals with things differently.  I guess the reason I wanted to write this post is to let people know that it will be okay and it does get better over time.  If you made it to the end I say thank you for taking the time to read this post.  I will be back tomorrow with another book review that I know you will all love.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret