I am just writing this as a way to remember how I was feeling this year as it has been hard for me than I thought it would be.
I can’t believe it has been 11 years since I gave birth and placed my daughter for adoption. It has been on my mind more this year than in years past. I am sure that is because I had to put Alley down at the end of January. Alley was my replacement baby, so when I put her to, sleep I felt like I was reliving all the emotions that I had back when I placed my daughter for adoption.
I knew this year might be hard, but I didn’t expect that it would be as hard as it was. I found that this year everything lined up like it was the year I had her, so I almost felt like I was reliving it all again. There were times where all I was doing was going from minute to minute trying to get through the day.
I know that at moments like this will happen, and all I can do is deal with it one day at a time. I am also glad that I know that it will all pass, and life will get back to normal after a while. I wish I would have known that the first year because even though people tell you it will get better, it was hard for me to believe that it would get better.
I have always said that the first year was the hardest but this year would have to be the second hardest. Like I said I was grateful that I knew in time that things would get better in time which isn’t something that I knew during the first year. All I want to say is that it always gets easier to deal with as time goes on.
I wanted to do another post in my adoption thoughts series because I haven’t done one in awhile. If you want to read any of my past posts in this series, you can click here to check them out. This post is going to be about how hard this year has been since I
July 7th will mean that eleven years has gone by since I placed my daughter for adoption. I can’t believe it has been that long since I had her. I have found myself thinking more and more about her this year, and I think that is because I had to put Alley Cat to sleep earlier this year.
I have always said that Alley was my replacement baby, and now that she is gone I can’t stop being taken back eleven years. There are some days that it seems like it all just happened a few days ago. I can still remember all the feelings and how I felt the moment I handed her off to her parents.
I feel like I just can’t wait for this year just to be over so that I won’t have to think about it anymore. Even as I type that, I know that just because her birthday passes it won’t just go away. I know that only time will make it not hurt as much, and I hate waiting for time to pass because it seems to take forever.
There isn’t anything that I want to say other than that I am struggling with everything this year. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the middle of July. I know that it won’t make it better or make it hurt less, but I hope that by getting the thoughts out of my head and written down will help me deal with it all. That is all I have to say, and I am hoping to have another post about adoption up on her birthday.
*I did write a post earlier this year about saying goodbye to Alley so if you want to check that out, you can click here to read that post.
If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat. She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post. I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.
Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me. It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice. They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work. Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.
It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect. I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end. I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy. I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be. I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.
The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that. I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley. I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again. It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.
In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks. I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going. I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days. I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.
I chose this quote because on January 29th I had to put Alley Cat down. For those of you who are new and don’t know who Alley Cat is here is the last picture I took of her.
I have a post coming up tomorrow talking more about the entire situation and how having to put Alley down brought back all of the feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption over ten years ago. I am just going to leave this post alone, and I will write more about my thoughts and feelings on tomorrow’s post.
What do you think of this week’s quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross?
I haven’t written about adoption in a long time because I never had the time to sit down and write anything other than a book review. Since things have pretty much slowed down for me at work right now, I wanted just to write about one of the thoughts I have had for awhile because I keep hearing stories about it in the news.
It seems like every time I turn around I am hearing about mothers placing baby’s for adoption and not telling the fathers what they are doing. It makes me sad because then those of us who followed all the steps including having the birth father sign away their rights are looked at like we might have done the same thing.
When I placed my daughter, I had no option but to have him sign away his rights because he was in the military and had to for me to place. I do know that some girls I knew through a support group I attend had the fathers of their child sign the papers as well just so that they didn’t have to worry about something like this happening.
I have to wonder if the birth father was okay with it until his family decided that they weren’t. I could be wrong but at times, that is what it seems like when you see the stories. I am sure there are cases where the birth fathers honestly didn’t know, and I feel terrible for them because no one should have that done to them. In the end, though everyone ends up getting hurt most of the time the child truly suffers because they don’t understand what is going on.
In the end, though everyone ends up getting hurt most of the time the child truly experiences because they don’t understand what is going on. They have no idea why they are taken away from all they have known and being given to strangers. I am aware that we have no way of knowing how this will affect them later in life or things like that.
I just truly feel bad for everyone involved and I hope that people can figure out a way to stuff like this to not happen anymore. Those are just a few of the thoughts I have been having, and I am wondering what you think about it and if you have any ideas as to how it could be changed?