Adoption Thoughts- 11 Years

Adoption Thoughts

I am just writing this as a way to remember how I was feeling this year as it has been hard for me than I thought it would be.

I can’t believe it has been 11 years since I gave birth and placed my daughter for adoption. It has been on my mind more this year than in years past. I am sure that is because I had to put Alley down at the end of January. Alley was my replacement baby, so when I put her to, sleep I felt like I was reliving all the emotions that I had back when I placed my daughter for adoption.

I knew this year might be hard, but I didn’t expect that it would be as hard as it was. I found that this year everything lined up like it was the year I had her, so I almost felt like I was reliving it all again. There were times where all I was doing was going from minute to minute trying to get through the day.

I know that at moments like this will happen, and all I can do is deal with it one day at a time. I am also glad that I know that it will all pass, and life will get back to normal after a while. I wish I would have known that the first year because even though people tell you it will get better, it was hard for me to believe that it would get better.

I have always said that the first year was the hardest but this year would have to be the second hardest. Like I said I was grateful that I knew in time that things would get better in time which isn’t something that I knew during the first year. All I want to say is that it always gets easier to deal with as time goes on.

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Adoption Thoughts- A Hard Year


Adoption Thoughts

I wanted to do another post in my adoption thoughts series because I haven’t done one in awhile.  If you want to read any of my past posts in this series, you can click here to check them out.  This post is going to be about how hard this year has been since I

July 7th will mean that eleven years has gone by since I placed my daughter for adoption.  I can’t believe it has been that long since I had her.  I have found myself thinking more and more about her this year, and I think that is because I had to put Alley Cat to sleep earlier this year.

I have always said that Alley was my replacement baby, and now that she is gone I can’t stop being taken back eleven years.  There are some days that it seems like it all just happened a few days ago.  I can still remember all the feelings and how I felt the moment I handed her off to her parents.

I feel like I just can’t wait for this year just to be over so that I won’t have to think about it anymore.  Even as I type that, I know that just because her birthday passes it won’t just go away.  I know that only time will make it not hurt as much, and I hate waiting for time to pass because it seems to take forever.

There isn’t anything that I want to say other than that I am struggling with everything this year.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the middle of July.  I know that it won’t make it better or make it hurt less, but I hope that by getting the thoughts out of my head and written down will help me deal with it all.  That is all I have to say, and I am hoping to have another post about adoption up on her birthday.

*I did write a post earlier this year about saying goodbye to Alley so if you want to check that out, you can click here to read that post.
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Saying Goodbye. . .

Saying Goodbye

If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat.  She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post.  I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.

Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me.  It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice.  They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work.  Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.

It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect.  I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end.  I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy.  I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be.  I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley.  I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again.  It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.

In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks.  I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going.  I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.  I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

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Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – Quote Of The Week

Quote Of The Week

This week’s quote is by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I  chose this quote because on January 29th I had to put Alley Cat down.  For those of you who are new and don’t know who Alley Cat is here is the last picture I took of her.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

I have a post coming up tomorrow talking more about the entire situation and how having to put Alley down brought back all of the feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption over ten years ago.  I am just going to leave this post alone, and I will write more about my thoughts and feelings on tomorrow’s post.

What do you think of this week’s quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross?

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Adoption Thoughts-Birth Father’s Rights

Adoption Thoughts

I haven’t written about adoption in a long time because I never had the time to sit down and write anything other than a book review. Since things have pretty much slowed down for me at work right now, I wanted just to write about one of the thoughts I have had for awhile because I keep hearing stories about it in the news.

It seems like every time I turn around I am hearing about mothers placing baby’s for adoption and not telling the fathers what they are doing. It makes me sad because then those of us who followed all the steps including having the birth father sign away their rights are looked at like we might have done the same thing.

When I placed my daughter, I had no option but to have him sign away his rights because he was in the military and had to for me to place. I do know that some girls I knew through a support group I attend had the fathers of their child sign the papers as well just so that they didn’t have to worry about something like this happening.

I have to wonder if the birth father was okay with it until his family decided that they weren’t. I could be wrong but at times, that is what it seems like when you see the stories.  I am sure there are cases where the birth fathers honestly didn’t know, and I feel terrible for them because no one should have that done to them.  In the end, though everyone ends up getting hurt most of the time the child truly suffers because they don’t understand what is going on.

In the end, though everyone ends up getting hurt most of the time the child truly experiences because they don’t understand what is going on.  They have no idea why they are taken away from all they have known and being given to strangers.  I am aware that we have no way of knowing how this will affect them later in life or things like that.

I just truly feel bad for everyone involved and I hope that people can figure out a way to stuff like this to not happen anymore.  Those are just a few of the thoughts I have been having, and I am wondering what you think about it and if you have any ideas as to how it could be changed?

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Writers Workshop-Favorite Quote

QuotesThis weeks for the writers workshop I am going to write about #4 which is a quote that I love.  I am going to list a few that I love because I have so many that I have used for my Quotes Of The Week posts and I can’t just choose one.

strong.jpg StrengthC. S. Lewis Robin Williams

Those are just a few of the quotes that I am loving right now.  What quotes are you loving right now?

Here are the other prompts for this week in case you want to join in:

1. An 8th grade memory.
2. Write a blog post inspired by the word: journey.
3. Book review!
4. Share a quote you love.
5. Spring Cleaning! Share a before and after photo of a room you recently tackled.

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Weekly Wrap-Up

Weekly Wrap-Up

Another week is over and this week hasn’t been nearly as busy as the past couple of weeks because Diana is back at work so that is nice because it means that I have time to get some blogging done while I am here.  This week I had 3 blog post that when live this week that I will list below in case you missed them.

I was supposed to have a 4th post on Thursday but I didn’t get around to writing it so it didn’t happen.  I am going to keep in my drafts folder so keep your eyes out and you may see it in the next few weeks.  Next week I have 2 book reviews and a quote by George Canning.  I hope you all had a great week and I will see you back here next week!

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Adoption Thoughts-Feeling Guilty

Adoption Thoughts

I haven’t had posted an adoption thoughts post in awhile and recently I had something come up that has to do with my birth daughter and genetics.  I know that there isn’t anything I do about the situation now but it still makes me feel bad and like I should have done something different when I was pregnant so that something like this wouldn’t happen but that being said I know that there was nothing I could have ever done to stop this from happening.

I was informed a few months ago the my daughter has Alopecia Areata which is an autoimmune disease like Multiple Sclerosis but her immune system is attacking her hair follicles so she has no hair.  She will be ten this year and I can’t even imagine what it has to feel like having no hair and being a kid today.  I have spent tons of time wishing I could trade places with her because people don’t have to know that you have MS but when you have no hair everyone can see that.

The reason I feel guilty is because there are strong indicators that autoimmune diseases are hereditary so because I have one she has one and that is hard for me to accept.  I know that there is nothing I could have done to stop this from happening but it is still hard for me to know that because of me she developed this condition.

I know in time this will get easier to deal with and I won’t feel guilty but for now that is how I feel.  It has also cemented in my mind that I won’t be having kids because I don’t want to risk something like this happening to them.  I have another adoption thoughts post coming up because I am so sick of people judging those of us who place our children for adoption.  Just because you are looking at our situation thinking we could raise our kids doesn’t mean we should.  Anyway I will leave rest of that rant for another post in the near future.

What are you thoughts on this subject?

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Hi My Name Is. . .

hello-mThis week for the writers workshop I am going to write about number 2 : Hi, my name is ______ and I am a _______. There are so many ways that I could answer that question so I just put the first thing that came to my mind.  I think this came to my mind the first because I have been really struggling with being a birth mom.  I am sure the thing that triggered my feelings now has watched my nephew grow up over the past year.  It has made me see first hand everything that I missed out on when it comes to my daughter.  It has also made start to ask the what if type questions.  I haven’t ever really asked myself those types of questions because I know it was the right choice and know that those questions never get you anywhere in the long run.

I feel like I always have to say that just because I am asking myself the what if’s that I don’t regret my choice.  I know that I did the right thing  for both of us but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt from time to time.  Just because I hurt doesn’t mean I regret my choice.  I can’t help but wonder where I would be and what my life would be like had I made different choices.

I do now know without a doubt that I don’t want kids and I am 100% okay with that choice.  People tell me I will change my mind when I meet the right person and I can honestly say that they are wrong.  I know I don’t have the patience let alone the energy that it takes to raise kids.  I am glad I know this before I had anymore kids because it isn’t fair to have kids and not be able to take care of them and be there for them.

I got a little bit off topic but that happens in my world.  If you are new here and want to know about my story you can click here and check it out.

How would you answer this sentence?

Just a quick note: I was looking through my archives looking for another post and I saw that I had already done a post like this back in November of 2013 you can click here if you want to check out that post as well!

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Adoption Thoughts-Judging

Adoption Thoughts

This week for adoption thoughts I am going to write about something that was said to me that made me sad for many reasons but I also wanted to see how other people would feel if this was said to them.  A few weeks ago I had a friend who adopted her first child tell me that she felt like I judge her because of her parenting and that she bet I was glad that I didn’t place my daughter with her.

First off I don’t ever judge anyone and their parenting choices because they are doing what they know and just because my parenting choice was different than theirs doesn’t mean that mine was right and that their choices are wrong or vice versa.  All I know about parenting is that the choice I made was right for me and my daughter other than that as long as you aren’t abusing your kids I don’t care the choices you make for your family.

Now on to when she said that she bet I was glad I didn’t place my daughter with her.  I am glad I didn’t place my daughter with her because my daughter wasn’t meant for her or her family.  She was meant to be where she is.  If my daughter had been meant for her than that is where I would have placed her but she wasn’t.  Like I said before I don’t judge anyone on their choices and if I had to go through it all again I know I would place my child where she was meant to be and it wouldn’t matter who those people were.

One thing that has always bothered me about mothers is how they are always judging each other.  Being a mom is a hard job so instead of judging we should be helping each other.  I have always said that I wouldn’t want to raise kids in today’s world so I know I would have any children but if I do change my mind I would want help from people who have done it before me.  I always get sad when I mom’s attacking each other because of choices they make for their family.  You may not agree with someone’s choices but that doesn’t make the wrong and that is no reason to judge them or bully them.  This post went somewhere I didn’t think it would but I am going to leave it because it is true and something I think needs to be said.

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