Adoption Thoughts- A Hard Year

 

Adoption Thoughts

I wanted to do another post in my adoption thoughts series because I haven’t done one in awhile.  If you want to read any of my past posts in this series, you can click here to check them out.  This post is going to be about how hard this year has been since I

July 7th will mean that eleven years has gone by since I placed my daughter for adoption.  I can’t believe it has been that long since I had her.  I have found myself thinking more and more about her this year, and I think that is because I had to put Alley Cat to sleep earlier this year.

I have always said that Alley was my replacement baby, and now that she is gone I can’t stop being taken back eleven years.  There are some days that it seems like it all just happened a few days ago.  I can still remember all the feelings and how I felt the moment I handed her off to her parents.

I feel like I just can’t wait for this year just to be over so that I won’t have to think about it anymore.  Even as I type that, I know that just because her birthday passes it won’t just go away.  I know that only time will make it not hurt as much, and I hate waiting for time to pass because it seems to take forever.

There isn’t anything that I want to say other than that I am struggling with everything this year.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the middle of July.  I know that it won’t make it better or make it hurt less, but I hope that by getting the thoughts out of my head and written down will help me deal with it all.  That is all I have to say, and I am hoping to have another post about adoption up on her birthday.

*I did write a post earlier this year about saying goodbye to Alley so if you want to check that out, you can click here to read that post.
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Healing

My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25.  I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago.  I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.

After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry.  I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor.  After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital.  I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.

After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no.  My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room.  To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital.  Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.

After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone.  I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone.  After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.

After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could.  I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken.  He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.

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