Mothers Day was a few weeks ago and because it is a hard time for me I couldn’t bring myself to write this post at that time. I still wanted to write this post in hopes that it may help a birth mom out there know that she isn’t alone when it comes to hating Mothers Day. I never have been a huge fan of holidays like Mothers Day before but now I hate Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is hard for me because I am in a weird place in regards to being a mother in the eyes of people in the world. It is hard to know that you are a mother but to basically have everyone ignore the fact that you are. I try and make it a nice day for my Grandma but in the end I always end up just being sad. This is also one of days that I always wonder what it would have been like had I kept her and decided to parent. Now that being said I don’t regret my choices because I know I made the right choice for her but you can’t help but wonder sometimes.
I guess I just wish that people in the world we understand that there are different types of mothers and not every mother looks the same. Just like not all mothers become a mother the same way. It hurts me to see other mothers talk down to birth mom’s because of the choices we made for our children. It is also hard because if you don’t know a person placed their child then you have no idea. It is just a hard place to be and it makes Mother’s Day hard. It is also seemed from time to time on Mother’s Day that some people rub the fact that you placed your child for adoption in your face and think that he desire to be miserable and in pain on Mother’s Day.
Those are just a few thoughts that I have been having this year about Mother’s Day. I also wanted to share this video that I found last week. I knew I wanted to share it with everyone because it spoke to me and it was an amazing idea and it was an amazing video. I hope it also helps people see that there are different kinds of mothers in this world. Watch this video and let me know what you think in the comments below.
I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005. I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had. Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them. I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.
Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article. While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said. I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices. Here is the paragraph:
Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.
Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time. I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain. At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk. There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much. It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run. Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older. In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby. I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same. She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions. I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.
When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.
First off I want to say Happy Mothers Day to all the birth mom’s. We tend to get forgotten on this day but my family usually buys me flowers so that I don’t feel left out. Below are a few pictures of the flowers that I was given this year:
As most people know I am not a huge fan of Mother’s Day. I always try and forget that the day even is around. This year I have done pretty well with forgetting that the day was coming and this year I don’t think will be as bad as the other years have been for me.
I hope that all mom’s and birth moms will have a great day!
I want to wish all the Birth Mothers out there a great Mother’s Day. People may forget that we are parents but we are! I hope that your own family’s do something to make you feel special on that day. I usually get flowers so that helps the day pass for me. I usually try and stay busy and hope for the day to pass quickly! I hope you all have a great day!