Adoption Thoughts-Judging

Adoption Thoughts

This week for adoption thoughts I am going to write about something that was said to me that made me sad for many reasons but I also wanted to see how other people would feel if this was said to them.  A few weeks ago I had a friend who adopted her first child tell me that she felt like I judge her because of her parenting and that she bet I was glad that I didn’t place my daughter with her.

First off I don’t ever judge anyone and their parenting choices because they are doing what they know and just because my parenting choice was different than theirs doesn’t mean that mine was right and that their choices are wrong or vice versa.  All I know about parenting is that the choice I made was right for me and my daughter other than that as long as you aren’t abusing your kids I don’t care the choices you make for your family.

Now on to when she said that she bet I was glad I didn’t place my daughter with her.  I am glad I didn’t place my daughter with her because my daughter wasn’t meant for her or her family.  She was meant to be where she is.  If my daughter had been meant for her than that is where I would have placed her but she wasn’t.  Like I said before I don’t judge anyone on their choices and if I had to go through it all again I know I would place my child where she was meant to be and it wouldn’t matter who those people were.

One thing that has always bothered me about mothers is how they are always judging each other.  Being a mom is a hard job so instead of judging we should be helping each other.  I have always said that I wouldn’t want to raise kids in today’s world so I know I would have any children but if I do change my mind I would want help from people who have done it before me.  I always get sad when I mom’s attacking each other because of choices they make for their family.  You may not agree with someone’s choices but that doesn’t make the wrong and that is no reason to judge them or bully them.  This post went somewhere I didn’t think it would but I am going to leave it because it is true and something I think needs to be said.

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Adoption Thoughts: Mother’s Day

Adoption Thoughts

Mothers Day was a few weeks ago and because it is a hard time for me I couldn’t bring myself to write this post at that time.  I still wanted to write this post in hopes that it may help a birth mom out there know that she isn’t alone when it comes to hating Mothers Day.  I never have been a huge fan of holidays like Mothers Day before but now I hate Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me because I am in a weird place in regards to being a mother in the eyes of people in the world.  It is hard to know that you are a mother but to basically have everyone ignore the fact that you are.  I try and make it a nice day for my Grandma but in the end I always end up just being sad.  This is also one of days that I always wonder what it would have been like had I kept her and decided to parent.  Now that being said I don’t regret my choices because I know I made the right choice for her but you can’t help but wonder sometimes.

I guess I just wish that people in the world we understand that there are different types of mothers and not every mother looks the same.  Just like not all mothers become a mother the same way.  It hurts me to see other mothers talk down to birth mom’s because of the choices we made for our children.  It is also hard because if you don’t know a person placed their child then you have no idea.  It is just a hard place to be and it makes Mother’s Day hard.  It is also seemed from time to time on Mother’s Day that some people rub the fact that you placed your child for adoption in your face and think that he desire to be miserable and in pain on Mother’s Day.

Those are just a few thoughts that I have been having this year about Mother’s Day.  I also wanted to share this video that I found last week.  I knew I wanted to share it with everyone because it spoke to me and it was an amazing idea and it was an amazing video.  I hope it also helps people see that there are different kinds of mothers in this world.  Watch this video and let me know what you think in the comments below.

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Dear Melissa

As you all know one of my best friends passed away on Sunday.  I have tried many times to write this post and I have never been able to get words down on the screen.  I have really struggled with this because it was such a shock to me.  I was orginally going to write about what I love about her but I have decided that I am going to write a letter to her so that I can tell her everything that I never got a chance to do while she was alive.

* I am not going to get into what happened and other things that are going on as a result.   I know Melissa would want me to keep living and let go of anger and hate.

Dear Melissa,

I miss you more and more everyday.  I wish that you would have called me and let me know you were so down so that I could have helped you.  I am writing this because I want to tell you and all my readers what I learned from you in the short time I knew you.

  • I learned how to be a better writer.  You wrote posts that made people think and I hope that one day I can become as good as a writer as you were.  Every post you wrote for my blog and even your own blog made me think and contemplate things in my own life.  It takes an amazing writer to make people realize that they need to make changes in their lives just because of something you wrote.
  • I learned not to ever let people treat me bad.  I saw what happened to you and I refused to let people do that to me.  I show the toll it took on her and I don’t ever want people to control me.
  • I also learned that admitting you have a mental illness is nothing you need to hide.  It was great to see that I can blog about things and there are people out there that won’t judge me and will understand.   You are part of the reason I wrote my adoption story and started to post things that make me vulnerable.  I guess I hope one day I have people come to my blog like you had going to yours!
  • I learned to look for join in the little things in life and how to deal with what life throws at me.

I will never forget you and everything you taught me.  I promise that I will live the rest of my life for the both of us!  I know I will see you again and I can’t wait til that day comes.

I love you,

Margaret

A Phone Call I Wish Hadn’t Happened

Mama’s Losin’ It

I haven’t written anything for the writers workshop in awhile and one of the topics this week jumped out at me and just had to write about it.  I picked #3-A Phone Call You Won’t Forget.  Funny enough the one phone call I will never forget was from my mom after she received a letter from me.  After I had my daughter I decided that I wanted to find her and see if she wanted to be in my life.  I took months of me searching and paying websites to try and find her.  I got an address and decided that I would write to it and if it wasn’t her then oh well and if it was then I would see what happened.

I was on my way to work and my started ringing.  I usually don’t answer out of state numbers but since my husband is a truck driver I wasn’t sure if it was him or not.  After I said hello she literally said “Hi, this is your mom”.   I literally just sat there because I didn’t know what to say.  We talked for about 20 mins or so.    She told me that she was so glad that I found her because she was leaving it up to me if I wanted her in my life.  She didn’t want to just show up and upset my life. 

I wonder why has changed from that first conversation and now. 
I wonder what would have happened if I just ignored her phone call and let it go to voicemail. 
I wonder what would have happened if she had  gotten the letter that I wrote to her and just thrown it away. 
I wonder where I would be if I had just left well enough alone and left her in my past which is where I think she wants to be anyway.

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Mom . . .

I have been thinking a lot about my own daughter and it has made me think about my own mom.  I have to wonder how my mom can treat me like she does.  I know I could never do what she is doing to me to Brita.  I can’t wrap my head around a mother not caring about her kids.  I understood about her not looking for me but since I have found her she wants nothing to do with us.  I thought mothers loved their children and would want a relationship with them.  I don’t understand how she can just turn off her love for me and my brother.  How do could she just walk away when I was 8 and never come back?  Its like she has just forgotten about us and is able to pretend we don’t exist. 

When I called her on this stuff she told me I didn’t have to mean!?!?!?  Funny thing about it is that I wasn’t mean to her I was just being honest with her and telling her how I feel.  As I read through my email I guess I can see how she thought I was being rude but in the end all I was doing is saying how I felt and she didn’t understand that. As I read through her response back to me it seemed like a whole bunch of excuses.  She is always blaming it on everyone but herself.  What sucks is the fact that since she sent that last email I haven’t heard from her once. I was going to included the actual emails but now that I am thinking about it I have decided that I am going to take them out only because I am hurt and I might regret putting them in the post one day.  I know this post has rambled and probably talked about the same things over and over again but like I always say “This is my blog take it or leave it!”. 

For all you parents out their how do you forget you have 2 children????

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