Saying Goodbye. . .

Saying Goodbye

If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat.  She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post.  I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.

Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me.  It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice.  They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work.  Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.

It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect.  I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end.  I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy.  I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be.  I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley.  I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again.  It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.

In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks.  I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going.  I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.  I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2016 Margaret Margaret

Thomas Aquinas-Quote Of The Week

Quote Of The Week

This week’s quote is by Thomas Aquinas.

Thomas Aquinas

What do you think about this week’s quote  by Thomas Aquinas?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2015 Margaret Margaret

Asking For Help!?!?

Asking For Help

Today I am going to talk about asking for help and how I have a super hard time asking for help and I also have a hard time accepting help.  I am sure the reason for this is the fact that my grandma hardly ever asks for help.  I have found that I never ask for help.  I feel like I don’t even know how to ask and just thinking about asking for help make me nervous.

As for accepting help I find that I don’t really have people offer to help so I don’t know have much experience with this.  I do know that the few times someone has helped me I feel bad because I think I should be able to do everything myself and hate when I can’t do something.  I do ask for help at work because I am the first to admit that I don’t know it all and even if I did know it all there is no way I can do everything, even if people think that I should be able to.

I guess the hard part for me is I don’t really have anyone who is close enough to me that I would trust to ask.  I say this because I could use help at times with things that are personal and I also would never ask for help from people I don’t know and trust.  I am lucky that now the Multiple Sclerosis isn’t bad enough that I need tons of help.  I am really not sure what I will do when or if I ever get to the point where I have to ask because I am not sure I will be able to bring myself to be able to do it.

Those are my thoughts on asking for help and having people help me.  I need to figure out how to ask for help and how to accept help because I am sure I will need to in the future and right now I feel like I have no idea how to do either.

Do you have a hard time asking for help?  How do you combat it?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Elbert Hubbard-Quote Of The Week

Quote Of The Week

This weeks quote is by Elbert Hubbard.

Elbert Hubbard

I loved this description of what a friend is and it is something that I agree with 100%.  What does being a friend mean to you?

What do you think of this quote?  What quotes are you loving right now?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Lonely

Lonely

I wrote a few months ago or so about my divorce being final and how it made me feel.  I said in that post that I am okay being single which is totally true but I also get lonely.  Now just because I get lonely doesn’t in anyway mean that I am not okay with being single.  In fact I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship.

I guess I need to explain what I mean when I say I am lonely.  I look at everyone in my life and they all have a significant other in their lives and I wonder from time to time if I am missing out.  These thoughts usually come at night when I should be sleeping.  Even though I get these thoughts from time to time I in no way have the desire or energy to try and find someone to date.

I don’t think it matters how happy you are being single you will still have days where you wish you had someone else in your life.  I also am lonely because I don’t have many friends in my life.  Now most of that has to do with me and what I have decided I want in my life.  I went through the people in my life last year and cut out the people who I knew needed to be out of my life.  I didn’t write about it here because I wasn’t ready and I am still not ready to talk about it.  I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready to talk about it and I also won’t put other people’s business out there on my blog.

Anyway this post was more for me to get thoughts out of my head than for anyone else.  I also have a post coming up this week about how I feel about dating and how I hard it is to meet people in this day and age.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

Respect

Respect

My brother had his gallbladder out on Sunday and I wanted to write about something here because I see a lack of it respect for choices that others make regarding their own bodies and/or lives.  I love people sharing information with me but I get tired of people trying to push their views on me and others.  Everyone makes different choices because everyone is different.

For example I know now my doctor doesn’t totally agree with some of my choices but she has left it up to me.  She tells me her opinions and what she would do if she was me.  I have seen a lot this going around and it upsets me because everyone makes choices based on their own lives and their own situations.

This doesn’t have to do with just health things but anything going on in people’s lives.  I have stopped sharing most things on Facebook because I get tired of people judging and/or trying to push their views on me and my other friends.  I came to realize while I was pregnant what it feels like to be judged and I try my hardest not to judge anyone.  I know that we all judge people on some level but I do my best to keep in check because I know how it felt to be judged and it is an horrible feeling.

I have friends in my life that I don’t agree with their choices but I do respect them and I also allow them to live their lives as they see fit.  There is no way that everyone in the world will agree with what you do or how you do it but people need respect their choices.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

Changes From Last Year To This Year

Changes

This week for the writers workshop I am going to write about what was going on this time last year and what I think of it all now that it is a year later.  I went through the whole month of April and I really only wrote 5 actual posts.  The few other posts I had were reviews of some sort. Here is a list of the posts from last year if you would like to go back and check them out.  I also will list any changes in how I am thinking from last year to this year.

  • My MS Medications– all of my medication are basically still the same and since I am stable there is no reason to change them or to even mess with them.
  • Standing Still– I forgot that I wrote this post last year and to be honest I still feel like I am standing still but I also feel like I am all alone and I know that is because of how I have treated people.  There are parts of this post that are still true and other parts that aren’t because I really don’t have any friends anymore.
  • MS Tuesdays Medications That Don’t Work For Me– nothing has changed with this post because nothing has stopped working for me.
  • How To: Break Your New Cell Phone– lets just say I haven’t broken a phone since this post and I better not break my iPhone or I am going to be pissed.
  • My Top 10 YouTube Channels– this has changed so much so I am going to make another Top 10 because I have some new ones and I think everyone would like.  I still like all the ones I listed but there are some newer ones that I want to share with everyone.

How has your blogging changed from last year to this year?

Mama’s Losin’ It

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

Changes Over The Last Year

Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much.  I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.

It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.

Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.

Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.

How has the past year been for you?

Mama’s Losin’ It-Changes over the last year

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Quote Of The Week-Silly Friend

I love this quote because I know that laughing and being silly with friends will definitely make your day and life better!

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret