Adoption Thoughts: Healing

Adoption Thoughts

This post went to a totally different place than I thought it would but I am going to leave it how it is because I think it will help someone out there.  It also was a great way to get some feeling out that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about.  I want to  THANK YOU for taking the time to read this post & pass it on to someone it may help.

I wrote a post last week about Mother’s Day and I want to do another post in this series.  I am thinking to make this a bi-monthly feature on my blog if that is something you think you would be interesting in reading please let me know in the comments below and I will make sure it happens.  For this post I am going to talk about how the healing process has gone for me over the years.

When I think of how healing has gone all I can think about it how the first year was so hard.  I didn’t know for day to day how I was going to get through.  There were times in the first days and weeks after that I had no idea how I was going to make it through the next hour or even the next minute. There were times where I had to just focus on the next breath because of how much it hurt.   Everyday it got a little easier or it may just may that I found more ways to keep my mind busy so that I wasn’t constantly thinking about it.

After the first year things got easier in the fact that I didn’t think about it every minute of everyday but it still hurt.  I know the hardest part for me was not having anyone to talk to about it.  It has always been a closed subject with my grandparents so even today it isn’t something that is talked about and that makes it hard to heal.  I know since I have started blogging about it and even telling some other people about it that is doesn’t hurt as much.

Even though it has gotten so much better I still have days where it is really hard to deal with and I have to focus on the next hour or the next minute to get through the day.  I definitely have triggers and things that I know will make things hard so I try and avoid them as much as possible.  People don’t understand how hard it can be and the triggers so they think I am being rude when I don’t want to be around their newborn babies.

I also have been having a hard time lately helping take care of my brothers son who is 6 months old.  There are times when I feeding him or playing with him I wonder what it would have been like to raise my daughter and take care of her.  When I voice this to people they think that I regret placing her but I will never regret that because I know it was the right choice.  I just start doing the what if’s and that just leads into a vicious cycle for me.  I have had to walk away and take a few minutes to myself to stop the cycle that goes on in my head.

Even though it is so hard for me to take care of him some days it has truly been healing for me.  I personally don’t want to have children and if I didn’t have my brothers son in my life I know there are somethings that I would never be able to heal so I will always thank god for that little boy.

Now I know everyone’s healing process is different and I also know that everyone deals with things differently.  I guess the reason I wanted to write this post is to let people know that it will be okay and it does get better over time.  If you made it to the end I say thank you for taking the time to read this post.  I will be back tomorrow with another book review that I know you will all love.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Changes Over The Last Year

Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much.  I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.

It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.

Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.

Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.

How has the past year been for you?

Mama’s Losin’ It-Changes over the last year

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012-2016 Margaret Margaret

What Is Multiple Sclerosis


I am sure  most of you know that I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I was diagnosed when I was 15 or 16.  I know that many people don’t know anything about MS so I am going to write a little bit about it in order to help raise awareness to the disease and to open peoples eyes to what this disease is.

  • Multiple Sclerosis is what they call an autoimmune disease.  This means that the persons immune system for some reason decides it is going to attack some part of the body instead of only attacking viruses and things like that.   In MS the immune system decides it is going to attack the nerves of the CNS (central nervous system).  The CNS includes the brain and spinal cord.  They are not sure what triggers the immune system to think that part of the body is a invader and needs to be attacked.
  • MS symptoms happen when the immune system attacks the myelin around the nerves.  If you think of your nerves like a wire the myelin would be the protective covering around the wire.  If the nerve underneath the myelin gets hurt that is what causes the symptoms and some times causes permanent disabilities.
  • The body tries to repair the damage that is done but it is never the same. Once the nerve is damaged it won’t ever function the same again.
  • There are a lot of different symptoms that go along with this disease.  I am going to list some of the most common ones: Fatigue, problems with walking, numbness, tingling, slurred speech, tremors, stiffness, problems with vision, cognition, speech, and elimination.  Every person with MS has different symptoms. Which makes some people wonder if everyone that has MS actually has the same disease or if it isn’t a few different diseases that just get grouped in with MS.
  • Anyone can get MS.  Women are more likely to get it than men and so are people with a lighter pigmentation to there skin.  So Montel Williams who has MS is a real rarity.
  • They think MS has a genetic link but they aren’t sure what it is.  In my case there is no one in my family history of it.
  • You usually get diagnosed between the ages of 20-50.  I was a rarity and was diagnosed at age 15 or 16.  Although younger patients are now getting diagnosed because doctors are starting to look for it at a younger ages.  I have noticed though that I have had lots of activity show up on scans but I haven’t had many flare ups that people could see.  In fact if I didn’t tell you I had MS and what symptoms I do have you can’t tell I have it all.
  • MS is rarely fatal.  Most of the time people with MS with get a common cold of the flu and that is what will end up taking their lives.
  • There are several treatments out there that each do things differently.  I am on one called Tysabri and it is the most expensive and most dangerous of the drugs.  All of the current MS treatments are expensive and it makes it hard for people who don’t have insurance or even with insurance to afford.
  • It has been shown that treating the disease helps  to stop the progression of the disease but since all the treatments are so expensive there are many people who simply can’t afford to treat the disease.
  • There is always new treatments in the works and exciting things happening in research that hold so much hope for future generations.  They came out last year with the first pill you can take once a day for treatment.  Up until the pill came out all the treatments were either shots or an infusion.
  • There is currently no cure for MS.

I think I  covered most of the major parts of the disease but if you have questions or want any more information please let a comment and I will answer your questions!

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

I Miss You

I am sure most of you by now know that I love Kludgy Mom’s Idea Bank.  There are so many topics and prompts so chose from that I love going over there and picking one to write about.  If you are ever struggling to find things to post about I would go check out her site and I know you will find 100’s of things to write about!  For this post I chose to write about:  Is there someone who was in your life that you miss?

I chose this one because last week I read a book called “The Milestone Tapes” that I will be reviewing in a few weeks and it made me think of a few people that I really miss and I am sure I will miss them for the rest of my life.

The first person is my great grandma that passed away the spring semester of my senior year of high school.  She died in April and I still remember it like it was yesterday  I was super close with my great grandma and her dying was really hard on me.  There are days that I sit back and wish she was still around so I could talk to her or listen to all the fun stories that she told me.

The other person that I miss is Melissa and she passed away in October of last year.  I will always miss her because I did look up to her and she was always trying to make peoples days better.  I knew her when she started blogging and we became really close.  She was like a mom to me and it hurts to know that she is gone.  I will always wonder what pushed her over the edge and why she did what she did.  I also know from here that I can’t sit around and ask why things happened so I am living my life for both of us and I hope she is looking down and proud.

Those are 2 people that I will always miss but I know there will be more over the years but these two are the ones I miss right now.

Who do you miss?

 

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Memories. . .

I have had this post in my drafts for awhile now and I figured today is as good as any to post it.  If you have other memories of Melissa please feel free to leave them and I will add them to this post.

 

Kathy Stricker left this message on Melissa’s Facebook page for me to use.

I remember the first time Melissa wrote on Facebook.  It was beautiful.Melissa really touched my heart.  I could feel her emotions..just flow out of her.  I remember telling her  “you can’t stop you have to keep on writing”.  Melissa was so surprised by my reaction as I was by her response.I told her no..you keep going your Amazing.  I believe in Melissa’s writing she touched all our hearts in a very special way.  Melissa I will miss you so much TYSM for touching my heart & having me in your life…RIP xo

Stacey Burgess– Emailed me this about Melissa

So many of us here at her University were shocked by her passing, and I wanted someone to know that she touched my life just by knowing her.  She was not only determined and motivated to be successful, but she shared so many stories with me of people that she helped through her blog.  We would sit on the phone for hours, forgetting that we were supposed to be talking about her enrollment in school, and instead, laughing and talking about happy times, or discussing life’s tougher situations.  I have admired her strength, and feel that I have learned a lot about life and survival and loving others… just by talking with her.  I want her family to know that Melissa really will live on in the hearts of those, like myself, who she touched.  She was so humble and sweet that she probably never realized how great of an impact she really had on other people!  I will always smile when I think of the talks that we had, and I hope that time, love, laughter, and happy memories can heal the pain that you are all feeling.

Gala Gardiner-Emailed me this about Melissa

I dont’ have a ton of memories.  I recently started following her blog and shared a few emails back and forth.  Saddens me to not be uplifted by her any longer.  She seemed to always have the brightest things to say on the days when I needed it most

David Merriman- He emailed me this about Melissa

I am Melissa’s academic counselor for her psychology program.  I only had a few conversations with Melissa but she struck a chord with me the first time we spoke because of her pride in the advocacy work she was doing through her blog and social networking.  It was clear over the phone how much this work helped her overcome her challenges and how much strength she gained while helping others find their strength.  She was always one of my favorite students to talk to because of her positive energy.

 

It is unfortunate I didn’t get to work with her through to her degree but I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work with her even for a short time.  She is a great example of the amazing things we can accomplish when we resign ourselves to never give up.

If anyone else has any memories please feel free to either email me about them or leave them in the comments and I will update this post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011-2016 Margaret Margaret

Dear Melissa

As you all know one of my best friends passed away on Sunday.  I have tried many times to write this post and I have never been able to get words down on the screen.  I have really struggled with this because it was such a shock to me.  I was orginally going to write about what I love about her but I have decided that I am going to write a letter to her so that I can tell her everything that I never got a chance to do while she was alive.

* I am not going to get into what happened and other things that are going on as a result.   I know Melissa would want me to keep living and let go of anger and hate.

Dear Melissa,

I miss you more and more everyday.  I wish that you would have called me and let me know you were so down so that I could have helped you.  I am writing this because I want to tell you and all my readers what I learned from you in the short time I knew you.

  • I learned how to be a better writer.  You wrote posts that made people think and I hope that one day I can become as good as a writer as you were.  Every post you wrote for my blog and even your own blog made me think and contemplate things in my own life.  It takes an amazing writer to make people realize that they need to make changes in their lives just because of something you wrote.
  • I learned not to ever let people treat me bad.  I saw what happened to you and I refused to let people do that to me.  I show the toll it took on her and I don’t ever want people to control me.
  • I also learned that admitting you have a mental illness is nothing you need to hide.  It was great to see that I can blog about things and there are people out there that won’t judge me and will understand.   You are part of the reason I wrote my adoption story and started to post things that make me vulnerable.  I guess I hope one day I have people come to my blog like you had going to yours!
  • I learned to look for join in the little things in life and how to deal with what life throws at me.

I will never forget you and everything you taught me.  I promise that I will live the rest of my life for the both of us!  I know I will see you again and I can’t wait til that day comes.

I love you,

Margaret

Pregnancy Pact Part 2

I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live.  Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her.  I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self.  Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away.  I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.

I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family.  I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it.  I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me.  I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away.  Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them.  That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time.  To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks.  I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing.  I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me.  It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier.  Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure. 

Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing.  Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing.  I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption.  In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child.  I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.

I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me.  Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry?  I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it.  I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her.  Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it.  Ok I will get off my soap box now.  Sorry I got side tracked.

I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her.  If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies.  I want people to know that anyone can do it.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done.  Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts.  I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.

After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all.   I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not.  I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do.   I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids.  Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all.  I just wish my husband would get that and drop the whole subject but that is a post for another day.

This post is all over but that is how my brain works.  Hope it makes some sense to everyone.  If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!