Adoption

Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012-2016 Margaret Margaret

Connor & Cooper

I started reading “All Are Precious In His Sight” in April of 2010 while the little girl named Chrisse that they adopted from Serbia was in the hospital after having heart surgery.  She passed away after fighting for 31 days.  Chrisse was an amazing little girl and she taught me so much.  I never met her but knowing her story she showed me that there are so many children out there that need homes.  It breaks my heart to know that children that have disablities in other countries and just left in orphanages and eventually get transfered to adult institutions where they spend all of there time in cribs being basically ignored.

Right now they are in Ukraine adopting these two precious boys who have down syndrome.

They are going to name them Cooper & Conner.  Let me tell you a little bit about these two boys.  You look at them and think that they are 3 maybe 4 but no these two boys are 6 years old.  They are in cribs all the time and Conner has bed sores on his back.  They are posting every day on there blog about visiting with the boys twice a day and also they upload videos to their YouTube channel of the  boys and them interacting with them.  I bought a bright pink hoodie from a fundrasier they were doing trying to raise money to get and get two different boys but that adoption ended up not working out.  I have been reading their updates everyday and watching the videos.  My grandma also asks me each day what went on today with them.  I want to ask everyone to pray for them so that they can get these two boys home soon!

I felt the need to write about this because there are so many kids out there who need families.  As everyone knows I am a birth mom so I know all about domestic adoptions but I knew nothing about international adoptions.  They found Chrisse and both of these boys through Reece’s Rainbow.   Reece’s Rainbow lists all the kids they know about that have some sort of disablities it is also a place for people who want to help but don’t feel the calling to adopt.  They let people donate money to any of the kids so that when their families find them there is some money already to help out with the costs.  I was not asked to write this but I want to let people know that if you want to help out orphans you should donate money to these kids and help them find their forever homes.  I am going to pick a child or two and try and raise money for that child so that they can find a family.  I ask that if you have a few extra dollars please consider donating to this site and help out these precious children.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Letter To Brita

This post was originally posted last year during National Adoption Month.  I have updated it and I feel that this can still help other birth mom’s out there.

I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 6.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 6 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Awareness Month

Adoption Awareness Month

Unless you have adopted, or are planning to do so, you may know little about children who need homes. Given that it is adoption awareness month, it seems only appropriate to give some general information about the world of adoption.

According to the U.S. Department of Human Services, there are 1.8 million adopted children in the United States; these children account for 2 percent of all children in the United States. Of those:

• 75 percent were adopted domestically.

• 37 percent through the foster care system.

• 38 percent through private services.

• 25 percent were adopted internationally.

About 75 percent of children are adopted by non-family members while 25 percent are adopted by relatives; seventeen percent of those adopted by relatives are adopted through the foster care system and 37 are adopted through private mediums.

There are several ways to adopt in the United States. One way is through the foster care system. In 2010, there were 107,000 children in the foster care system waiting to be adopted and 53,000 were adopted. The general process is that a state-licensed agency (either for-profit or non-profit) matches prospective parents to children in need of a home. Though substantially cheaper than all other types of adoption, many choose other means of adoption. This is because many people want newborns of a particular race, and foster care adoption houses children of all ages and races. Unfortunately, these children need a home just as much as all other children up for adoption.

A second way to adopt is through a private agency. Private agencies act as intermediaries between children and prospective parents in the matching process. Many choose this medium because the agency guides parents through the entire adoption process.

A third way to adopt is independently, i.e. privately. It is legal in most states, though Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, and Massachusetts do not allow it; the laws surrounding independent adoption vary from state-to-state. This process involves prospective parents independently seeking out biological parents who have put their child up for adoption; lawyers are used as intermediaries. Many choose this means of adoption because agencies have policies regarding parent-criteria and prospective parent-biological parent contact both during and after the adoption. Independent adoption allows both prospective parents and biological parents to set their own criteria. Prospective parents control the search process and have direct contact with the biological parents; both parties also decide if the child will have contact with the biological parents after the adoption process is finalized.

A fourth way to adopt is internationally. China, Russia, Guatemala, Korea, and Ethiopia are common countries from which children are adopted; however, about 80 other countries around the world adopt out children to parents from different countries. In 2010, over 11,000 children were adopted from other countries. Generally, parents use adoption services similar to domestic adoption services. Many choose to adopt internationally to help children in desperate situations; many times, children are undernourished, under-educated, or have disabilities. Others choose this process because, depending on country, it can be less costly.

Amber Paley is a guest post and article writer bringing to us information and statistics on child adoptions.  Amber also writes about abuse in nursing homes.
Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

Writers Workshop- 22 Things I Have Done

Mama’s Losin’ ItThis week I chose to write about 1.) Last week we wrote about what we have never done…this week write a list of 22 things you HAVE done. (inspired by Sellabit Mom).

  1. Placed a child for adoption
  2. Got married
  3. Walked out of a job instead of turning in my two weeks notice
  4. Been to jail
  5. Lived in the dorms while I was in college
  6. Started my own business
  7. Been diagnosed with a chronic illness
  8. Graduated for high school
  9. Dropped out of college
  10. Bought a brand new car
  11. Tried to reunite with my mom but she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me or my brother
  12. Decided that I am not dealing with crap from my family
  13. Cut out family members that like to cause drama
  14. Learned to design blogs
  15. Gone to Yellowstone more times than I can count
  16. I worked at a nursing home and ended up loving every minute of it
  17. I got two cats to replace the little girl I placed for adoption
  18. I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 22
  19. I have never learned to drive a manual transmission
  20. Said no
  21. Peed my pants
  22. Wrecked my car because I wasn’t paying attention

It has taken me most of the day to come up with 22 things because I was trying not to post things that most people already know about me.

What things have you done?