Day 8- A Moment You Felt Most Satisfied In Your Life #30DayChallenge

February 5, 2013 By

day 8

Today’s topic is a moment that I felt most satisfied in my life.  As I thought about this topic for the past few days I really can’t think of anything that truly fits.  The one thing that kept coming in my mind was when I placed my daughter for adoption.  Now this was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was satisfying in the sense that I know I did the right thing for her.  It is hard for me to say that because it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  That day will forever be the worst day of my life but it also proved that I can do anything that I put my mind too.

I also think that part of the reason that comes to mind is because it has been almost 9 years now and I in a totally different place when it comes to how I look at the adoption and the place I am at with all of it.  That is really the only thing I can think of.  Let me know if you have any questions!

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Open Adoption, Open Heart

November 28, 2012 By
As I am sure most of you know I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 20.  I was contacted about hosting a guest post of a writer who has adopted his 2 children through open adoption.  I jumped at the chance to have a guest post on my blog as well as get the chance to read the book he has written.  I will have the review of the book up sometime next week after I have had the chance to sit down and read it.  Here is the guest post and please leave any comments or questions down below!

My wife and I are infertile. We don’t know why. The doctors and nurses can’t seem to give us any real answers about why we’ve been unable to have kids for our 8 years of trying, but here we are. No little ones carrying on our genes.

Infertility is a funny thing (if you’re willing to look at it that way). It seems to come with some invisible sign that only fertile friends can read. The sign, of course, reads- “Here I am without a baby. Please please please tell me how we can solve our infertile woes.” Cornered at church or at the supermarket, as soon as someone hears that we can’t have kids, it’s, “Well, you know what we did? We went on this all carrot and celery diet. And guess what! By Thursdays that week we were pregnant.”

Even more common is the ever popular, “My brother and his wife couldn’t get pregnant so they did such and such.”

Don’t get me wrong. It’s annoying and all, but after a while we infertile people get to a point where we start to enjoy it. I absolutely love it when I get to say, “I’ve never heard that one before.” I fear some people may think I’m being rude by laughing at my own friends. I don’t mean to be rude. I really don’t. I’m just pointing out that some people are really funny and they don’t seem to see it. Here are a few of my favorites-

Woman should stand on her head after intercourse. Now, that one may actually have some scientific reasoning to it. I don’t know. I aint a doctor. Gravity is real, though, so who knows. That one is actually pretty popular to try, or some variation of it.

Rub ice cubes on your (fill in the blank here). I don’t leave that “fill in the blank” empty because I’m censoring myself. I leave it blank because I’ve heard just about every body part, male or female, in that blank spot. Whatever the body part, I always enjoy that one.

Try intercourse in the back seat of a car. Now, I have actually heard that one from real people, but the fact that I also saw that on The Simpsons when Apu was trying to get his wife pregnant should tell you something if you think it’s a good problem solver.

Have an affair. I haven’t heard that from any of my “friends” because they wouldn’t be my friends anymore if they suggested that, but I’ve heard other people say it was told to them. Idiocy.

Eat more (another fill in the blank). Spaghetti, or vegetables, or Mexican food, or B vitamins, or or or…

Again, I’m not trying to pick on people who give their input. I appreciate when my friends take the time to care- just know that I may be laughing at you behind your back if you tell me the reason I’m not able to get my wife pregnant is because I wear boxers instead of briefs- or the other way around.

Adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and Open Adoption, Open Heart is our adoption story. It’s not simply a matter of filling out papers and waiting for a baby. It’s a process of building relationships- the birth parents are still in our lives. Infertility is still part of us, but it doesn’t define us. We are able to laugh at our problems because we are able to embrace our successes. Hooray for adoption, and hooray for those wonderful birth parents who helped make our dreams come true.

Author Bio

Russell Elkins was born on Andrews Air Force Base near Washington, D.C., in the fall of 1977. Along with his five siblings, he and his military family moved around a lot, living in eight different houses by the time he left for college at age 17. Although his family movedaway from Fallon, Nevada, just a few months after he moved out, he still considers that little oasis in the desert to be his childhood hometown. He and his family now live in the Boise, Idaho area.
Russell has always been a family man at heart, looking forward to the day when he could be a husband and a father. It took him a little while, but eventually his eyes locked onto a beautiful blonde, and he has never looked away. Russell and Jammie were married in 2004. Years of struggling with infertility left Russell and Jammie with a decision to make and their lives changed dramatically when they decided to adopt.
Russell and Jammie have adopted two beautiful children, Ira and Hazel, and have embraced their role as parents through open adoption. Both are actively engaged in the adoption community by communicating through social media, taking part in discussion panels, and writing songs about adoption. Russell also writes a weekly post for Adoption.com and contributes regularly to Adoption Voices Magazine.
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One Choice

September 20, 2012 By

I want to start out by saying that this post is all over because I really struggled with finding the words to say what  I am thinking.  I hate that  I can’t find the right words to say what I am thinking but this is as good as it is going to get.

There is one choice that I have made in my life that changed the course of my life.  I look back now and it amazes me that once choice can change the whole path of your life.  The choice that changed my life was when I got pregnant.  Had I not gotten pregnant I would be a RN right now and probably working on getting my Masters in nursing but I am no where near there.  I also am so glad that I am I did get pregnant because I has turned me into who I am today.  I may not be where I thought I would be job wise but I am where I need to be in so many other ways.  By getting pregnant and placing my daughter for adoption I know just how strong I am and I know I can do anything that needs to be done no matter how hard it seems at the time.  I can’t even imagine how different I would be if I hadn’t been through what  I have been through.  At the time I thought that my life was over and that it was the worst thing that could have happened.   In the end it was just what I needed in life.  I am such a better person since I have gone through everything the past 7 years.  I can’t even imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t been through everything.

I have learned so much and I also know so much more about myself and what I can deal with.  I now know that I can pretty much deal with anything and get through anything that is put in front of me.  It is amazing to me how life can be so different from what you thought it would be and yet I know that this is where I am meant to be.  I know that I was meant to go through what I have because with out going through everything I never would have learned how the world works.

Before I got pregnant I didn’t know how cruel the world can be and the struggles that others go through.  Going through the adoption process opened my eyes to the struggles of others and how things are in rest of the world.  I have found that as much as I love nursing I feel that I am meant to work in the adoption world.  I guess when it comes down to it that by getting pregnant it made me grow up and has made me into the person I am now.

What is the one choice that changed your life?

Mama’s Losin’ It

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The Choice By Robert Whitlow

August 28, 2012 By

the choice by robert whitlow

About “The Choice” By Robert Whitlow

One young woman. Two very different roads. The choice will change everything.

Even as a pregnant, unwed teen in 1974, Sandy Lincoln wanted to do the right thing. But when an ageless woman approached her in a convenience store with a mysterious prophecy and a warning, doing the right thing became even more unclear. She made the best choice she could . . . and has lived with the consequences.

More than thirty years later, a pregnant teen has come into her life, and Sandy’s long-ago decision has come back to haunt her. The stakes rise quickly, leaving Sandy with split seconds to choose once more. But will her choice decision bring life . . . or death?

My Review

I really enjoyed this book.  When Sandy was going through her pregnancy I totally related to how she felt and how hard what she was going to be going through.  I also know how she felt when she didn’t want to see her babies after they were born because I too felt like that when I had my daughter.  I decided to see here when I was alone in the middle of the night which is what worked out best for me.

Anyway there are parts in this book that I didn’t like or don’t understand like how she could separate the boys but I saw her logic I just didn’t like the choice.  The author did a great job of getting all the emotions right when I came to Sandy placing the babies and the emotions leading up to that point.

I think that this is a good book and people who know about adoption would like it.  I am sure there are parts that some people in the adoption community wouldn’t like but all in all it is a good book and one that I am glad that I read.

FTC: I received a free copy of “The Choice” by Robert Whitlow in exchange for my review.  The opinions expressed in this review are 100% my own.

 

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Cradle My Heart

August 14, 2012 By

Craddle My HeartAbortion continues to be a hot topic in politics, women’s rights, and medical practice. But for the eight to ten million American Christian women who have had one, abortion is a spiritual issue as well, raising questions of life and death, heaven and hell, grief and loss.

Writing from her own experience, Kim Ketola sheds light on one of the darkest and most neglected personal issues of our time: the widespread need for healing and spiritual recovery after abortion. “After abortion brought the worst trouble into my life I had ever known,” writes Ketola, “I just couldn’t see my way free to believe in God’s love.”

With a compassionate heart, Ketola offers ten true stories of healing promise from the Bible to help women answer the most common spiritual torments they face: Is abortion a sin? Does God hate me? Where can I turn in my shame and distress? How could I ever tell anyone the truth? And more.

Inspired by Romans 6:4–“just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life”–this is a definitive resource to help women see themselves and God anew and–finally–to find spiritual healing.

My Review-Cradle My Heart

This book is amazing.  As you know I placed my daughter for adoption so I have never had an abortion.  This book even helped me with some of the issues I have had since I placed my daughter for adoption.  I didn’t think I would get anything out of the book but after I finished the book I was so glad that I took the time to read it.  There are so many great things about this book that there is no way that I can do justice to the book with a review.  I would recommend this book to anyone who has had an abortion or even placed a child for adoption.  This book gave me hope and made me see how I can make changes and get into a better place when it comes to dealing with my feelings from the adoption.

Blog Tour Website

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Meet Kim-The Author

Kim Ketola is a sought-after writer and motivational speaker with the Ruth Graham and Friends conference. After thirty years in the broadcasting industry, she founded a nonprofit organization through which she presents professionally accredited conferences to equip counselors and help individuals recover from the emotional and spiritual wounds of abortion. Kim lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

Visit her website: www.cradlemyheart.org

 
In coordination with the launch of their fall releases, Kregel will be hosting a live webcast event on September 20 at 8 PM EDT featuring authors Kim Ketola (Cradle My Heart), Teske Drake (Hope for Today, Promises for Tomorrow), and Dawn Scott Jones (When a Woman You Love Was Abused). The webcast will allow women to come together to share their struggles and fears in order to move toward healing and hope. Women will able to support one another and discuss shared experiences in a non-threatening, open and loving environment.

Cat Hoort of Kregel says, “”We are seeking to provide safe means for Christian women to be vulnerable with each other, to seek help and guidance from authors and counselors, and to find encouragement from those who have shared similar experiences. Our hope is that the Women Redeemed webcast will become a forum for hurting women as well as for those who can help. Kim, Teske, and Dawn are all survivors and their stories will surely inspire and equip other women to move toward healing and hope.”

To register for the event, just click here. {https://www.facebook.com/KregelBooks/app_241719209283045}

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Changes Over The Last Year

June 28, 2012 By

Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much.  I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.

It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.

Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.

Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.

How has the past year been for you?

Mama’s Losin’ It-Changes over the last year

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My Open Adoption Thoughts

June 13, 2012 By

I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so  today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me.  If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:

Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.

Source: Wikipedia

At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed.  I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that.  I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.

For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions.  Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.

Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past.  In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away.  I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.

I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain.  Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.

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Healing

June 5, 2012 By

My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25.  I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago.  I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.

After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry.  I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor.  After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital.  I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.

After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no.  My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room.  To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital.  Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.

After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone.  I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone.  After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.

After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could.  I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken.  He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.

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Adoption-Pure Love

April 30, 2012 By

I am sure that most of you know by now that I place my daughter for adoption when I was 20.  She will be 7 in July and it is so hard to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been pregnant.  I never thought I was going to make it through the first year let alone 7 years.

I recently found a blog by Tiffany who recently adopted a little girl.  As I was reading through the story of her adoption I found a part in her post that put into words things I have wanted to say for 7 years but could never find the words.  Here is the quote:

 I deeply resent the people who have said, about birth parents, “I can’t imagine ever giving away my child.”  

The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine.  The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go.  This instinct isn’t really the love itself but rather our own heart’s selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.

But birth parents understand that truly loving someone can mean letting go.  It can mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.

It is utter selflessness.  It is true courage.  It is pure love.

I read this quote to my grandma the other night and it brought tears to her eyes.  This says everything that I felt when I placed my daughter but have never found the words to express.  There isn’t much I can really say about it because she says everything that is in my heart.   I really recommend that you should go and check out her blog and read the whole story of her adopting their newest little girl.

What do you guys think of her quote?

 

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Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

March 28, 2012 By

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

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