Adoption Thoughts- 11 Years

Adoption Thoughts

I am just writing this as a way to remember how I was feeling this year as it has been hard for me than I thought it would be.

I can’t believe it has been 11 years since I gave birth and placed my daughter for adoption. It has been on my mind more this year than in years past. I am sure that is because I had to put Alley down at the end of January. Alley was my replacement baby, so when I put her to, sleep I felt like I was reliving all the emotions that I had back when I placed my daughter for adoption.

I knew this year might be hard, but I didn’t expect that it would be as hard as it was. I found that this year everything lined up like it was the year I had her, so I almost felt like I was reliving it all again. There were times where all I was doing was going from minute to minute trying to get through the day.

I know that at moments like this will happen, and all I can do is deal with it one day at a time. I am also glad that I know that it will all pass, and life will get back to normal after a while. I wish I would have known that the first year because even though people tell you it will get better, it was hard for me to believe that it would get better.

I have always said that the first year was the hardest but this year would have to be the second hardest. Like I said I was grateful that I knew in time that things would get better in time which isn’t something that I knew during the first year. All I want to say is that it always gets easier to deal with as time goes on.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2016 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Thoughts- A Hard Year

 

Adoption Thoughts

I wanted to do another post in my adoption thoughts series because I haven’t done one in awhile.  If you want to read any of my past posts in this series, you can click here to check them out.  This post is going to be about how hard this year has been since I

July 7th will mean that eleven years has gone by since I placed my daughter for adoption.  I can’t believe it has been that long since I had her.  I have found myself thinking more and more about her this year, and I think that is because I had to put Alley Cat to sleep earlier this year.

I have always said that Alley was my replacement baby, and now that she is gone I can’t stop being taken back eleven years.  There are some days that it seems like it all just happened a few days ago.  I can still remember all the feelings and how I felt the moment I handed her off to her parents.

I feel like I just can’t wait for this year just to be over so that I won’t have to think about it anymore.  Even as I type that, I know that just because her birthday passes it won’t just go away.  I know that only time will make it not hurt as much, and I hate waiting for time to pass because it seems to take forever.

There isn’t anything that I want to say other than that I am struggling with everything this year.  I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the middle of July.  I know that it won’t make it better or make it hurt less, but I hope that by getting the thoughts out of my head and written down will help me deal with it all.  That is all I have to say, and I am hoping to have another post about adoption up on her birthday.

*I did write a post earlier this year about saying goodbye to Alley so if you want to check that out, you can click here to read that post.
Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2016 Margaret Margaret

Saying Goodbye. . .

Saying Goodbye

If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat.  She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post.  I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.

Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me.  It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice.  They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work.  Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.

It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect.  I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end.  I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy.  I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be.  I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley.  I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again.  It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.

In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks.  I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going.  I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.  I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2016 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Thoughts-Feeling Guilty

Adoption Thoughts

I haven’t had posted an adoption thoughts post in awhile and recently I had something come up that has to do with my birth daughter and genetics.  I know that there isn’t anything I do about the situation now but it still makes me feel bad and like I should have done something different when I was pregnant so that something like this wouldn’t happen but that being said I know that there was nothing I could have ever done to stop this from happening.

I was informed a few months ago the my daughter has Alopecia Areata which is an autoimmune disease like Multiple Sclerosis but her immune system is attacking her hair follicles so she has no hair.  She will be ten this year and I can’t even imagine what it has to feel like having no hair and being a kid today.  I have spent tons of time wishing I could trade places with her because people don’t have to know that you have MS but when you have no hair everyone can see that.

The reason I feel guilty is because there are strong indicators that autoimmune diseases are hereditary so because I have one she has one and that is hard for me to accept.  I know that there is nothing I could have done to stop this from happening but it is still hard for me to know that because of me she developed this condition.

I know in time this will get easier to deal with and I won’t feel guilty but for now that is how I feel.  It has also cemented in my mind that I won’t be having kids because I don’t want to risk something like this happening to them.  I have another adoption thoughts post coming up because I am so sick of people judging those of us who place our children for adoption.  Just because you are looking at our situation thinking we could raise our kids doesn’t mean we should.  Anyway I will leave rest of that rant for another post in the near future.

What are you thoughts on this subject?

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2015 Margaret Margaret

Hi My Name Is. . .

hello-mThis week for the writers workshop I am going to write about number 2 : Hi, my name is ______ and I am a _______. There are so many ways that I could answer that question so I just put the first thing that came to my mind.  I think this came to my mind the first because I have been really struggling with being a birth mom.  I am sure the thing that triggered my feelings now has watched my nephew grow up over the past year.  It has made me see first hand everything that I missed out on when it comes to my daughter.  It has also made start to ask the what if type questions.  I haven’t ever really asked myself those types of questions because I know it was the right choice and know that those questions never get you anywhere in the long run.

I feel like I always have to say that just because I am asking myself the what if’s that I don’t regret my choice.  I know that I did the right thing  for both of us but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still hurt from time to time.  Just because I hurt doesn’t mean I regret my choice.  I can’t help but wonder where I would be and what my life would be like had I made different choices.

I do now know without a doubt that I don’t want kids and I am 100% okay with that choice.  People tell me I will change my mind when I meet the right person and I can honestly say that they are wrong.  I know I don’t have the patience let alone the energy that it takes to raise kids.  I am glad I know this before I had anymore kids because it isn’t fair to have kids and not be able to take care of them and be there for them.

I got a little bit off topic but that happens in my world.  If you are new here and want to know about my story you can click here and check it out.

How would you answer this sentence?

Just a quick note: I was looking through my archives looking for another post and I saw that I had already done a post like this back in November of 2013 you can click here if you want to check out that post as well!

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Stop Trying To Convince Me

Stop

I haven’t ever talked about today’s topic because I know there are people who are passionate about this topic and before now I have never been in a place where I would be able to handle any backlash that comes from this post.  I finally am in a good spot emotionally that I know I can handle anything that comes from me posting this.  Now before I get into the topic of this post I want to let everyone know that I am not writing this to anyone in particular I am just venting.

Anyway lets get on to the topic of this post.  I want to write about people in the adoption world who believe that everyone who places their children for adoption was forced and/or coerced.  I want to talk about this because I am not the type of person who can be forced to do anything let alone place my daughter for adoption.

Now I know that people were and probably still are forced to place their children for adoption.  I also agree with the fact that girls need to know that this can happen but they don’t need to try and convince those of us that placed our children that we were forced to place them.  While I agree people need to know I don’t agree with people trying to convince those of us who weren’t forced or tricked into placing our children like they were.

I am just tired of being told how I should feel and what I should believe when it comes to the adoption of my daughter.  I knew what I was doing when I made the choice that I did.  I wanted to give her everything that I didn’t know if I could ever give her.  I wanted her to have a stable environment, two parents in the home, siblings, and things like that.  My childhood wasn’t stable up until my grandparents got us full time and I didn’t want her to feel what it feels like to not know what was going to happen from day to day like I did.

I hope that this post made some sort of sense.  If you have any thoughts about this please let me know because I am always open to talking about things and hearing other peoples opinions on things but like I said trying to convince me I was forced to placed her isn’t going to get any response from me.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Who Knew. . .

Who Knew

In a post that I wrote a few weeks ago I talked about how my brother now has a baby who is going to be three months old next week.  Up until my brother had this baby I haven’t really been around babies since I placed my daughter for adoption almost 9 years ago.

I now realize how much I truly missed of her growing up.  I knew logically what I missed but since I hadn’t ever really taken care of a baby I didn’t get to see first hand what I missed with her.  Having my brothers son around has made me realize what I have missed and make me miss her.  That being said I don’t regret my choice because I know without a doubt that she is where she needs to be it has made me miss the milestones I never got to see.

It is crazy how 9 years later I am finally realizing everything that I missed out on.  I am sure most people figure it out sooner than I have but everything happens in gods time and I don’t know how I would have dealt with it if it happened any sooner than now.  Since I have always had to deal with everything having to do with the adoption alone I am glad that I didn’t have to see what I was missing sooner because I couldn’t have dealt with it any sooner than now.

I truly believe god knew that  I couldn’t have dealt with it any sooner than now so he made sure I didn’t have to deal with it.  There are times when I take care of my brothers son that I have to give him to my grandma and walk away because it hurts.  There are many nights that I find myself crying again because seeing how much I missed out on is hard for me.   I just wish it still wasn’t hard dealing with everything because I know it was the right choice for her and for me.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

My First Pregnancy

My First

This is another prompt for one of the writers workshop and I wanted to write about it because my first pregnancy was with my daughter who I placed for adoption when I was 20.  I wanted to write this more for me than anyone else and maybe one day my daughter will read this and she will have some idea of what it was like for me being pregnant with her.

When I found out I was pregnant I was about 6 weeks pregnant and so sick.  I had morning sickness so bad that I had to take an anti nausea pill almost every for most of the pregnancy.  I wasn’t one of the lucky ones where the morning sickness goes away after the first trimester.

My pregnancy was also harder I believe because I knew through the whole thing what the end was going to be.  I never thought I could keep her so I always knew that I would end up leaving the hospital empty handed.  I tried my best not to bond with her but anyone who has been pregnant before knows that you bond with your child because you are with them 24/7 for nine months.

Towards the end of my pregnancy my back was out and I just miserable.  I did end up going to the chiropractor because I wasn’t able to sit down or stand up without pain.  It took a few times but he did make my back better and I saw him through the end of my pregnancy and in fact I still see him from time to time.

My pregnancy wasn’t the best out there but it was terrible either.  One of the best things about the whole experience is the fact the my Multiple Sclerosis went into remission while I was pregnant so I didn’t have to worry about anything crazy going on with that but it got bad after I delivered and the hormones all dropped off.  I have been thinking about being a surrogate because I truly didn’t mind being pregnant and I would love to help people have their families.  I do know that I don’t think I will have anymore of my own children but like I said I would love to help out other people.

How was your first pregnancy?

If you want to be apart of the writers workshop you can click here and find out all about it!

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

8 Years Ago Today. . .

8 Years Ago

As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years.  This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital.  I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.

I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me.  I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something.  So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.

 While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”.  All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.

I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well.  I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers.  I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers.  I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.

After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us.  I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me.  I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying.  My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried.  At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.

Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it.  That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me.  The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again.  That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

Day 8- A Moment You Felt Most Satisfied In Your Life #30DayChallenge

day 8

Today’s topic is a moment that I felt most satisfied in my life.  As I thought about this topic for the past few days I really can’t think of anything that truly fits.  The one thing that kept coming in my mind was when I placed my daughter for adoption.  Now this was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was satisfying in the sense that I know I did the right thing for her.  It is hard for me to say that because it was by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  That day will forever be the worst day of my life but it also proved that I can do anything that I put my mind too.

I also think that part of the reason that comes to mind is because it has been almost 9 years now and I in a totally different place when it comes to how I look at the adoption and the place I am at with all of it.  That is really the only thing I can think of.  Let me know if you have any questions!

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret