8 Years Ago Today. . .

8 Years Ago

As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years.  This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital.  I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.

I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me.  I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something.  So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.

 While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”.  All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.

I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well.  I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers.  I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers.  I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.

After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us.  I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me.  I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying.  My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried.  At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.

Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it.  That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me.  The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again.  That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.

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Things That Drive Me Insane-Nurses

Things That Drive Me Insane

This time for things that drive me insane I am going to talk about my latest infusion and how bad one of the nurses there was.  The thing that made me the maddest about the whole situation was the fact that she was a supervisor.  Anyway lets get onto the story.  I am sure you all know that I have Multiple Sclerosis and that I take Tysabri once a month to keep me stable.

So once a month I go to the hospital and get an IV in my arm so I can get the medication.  The best way to describe how the give it is to say they give it like they do Chemo or when you have a blood transfusion.  So usually they get the IV started with just one poke but this time it took 3 times.

Now if the only problem was that I took three times to get the IV started I wouldn’t be so pissed about it but the second time they poked me it hurt like hell and here I will show you a picture of the bruise that formed:

Things That Drive Me Insane-Idiot Nurses

This was taken 5 minutes or so after I got home from getting my infusion done.

This bruise was already forming before she pulled out the needle because she couldn’t find the vein.  I don’t think I have ever had a nurse dig around so much trying to get the vein.  She was digging around for a good 2 to 3 minutes and still couldn’t get it.  She then had to poke me for the 3rd time and thank god she got me then because if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have let her poke me again.

Here is what the bruise looked about 4 or 5 days latter:

IMG_0286[1]

What the hell is up with the straight lines????

Let me just tell you I have never once seen a bruise like this.  The fact that there are straight lines is so weird and everyone that see’s it says the same thing.  I ended up having to go to the hospital and get blood drawn because she messed up and my blood test came back weird so they want to make sure that it everything was okay.   Oh and this bruise still hurts and I bet even when the bruise goes away I will still have pain because I believe she went into the muscle and did some damage.

I pray to god that when I go back for my next infusion that she won’t be there because I hate making scenes but there is no way in hell that she is ever going to get another needle anywhere near me.  I have another Idiot Drivers coming up next week.

Has this ever happened to you???

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

What Is Multiple Sclerosis


I am sure  most of you know that I have Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I was diagnosed when I was 15 or 16.  I know that many people don’t know anything about MS so I am going to write a little bit about it in order to help raise awareness to the disease and to open peoples eyes to what this disease is.

  • Multiple Sclerosis is what they call an autoimmune disease.  This means that the persons immune system for some reason decides it is going to attack some part of the body instead of only attacking viruses and things like that.   In MS the immune system decides it is going to attack the nerves of the CNS (central nervous system).  The CNS includes the brain and spinal cord.  They are not sure what triggers the immune system to think that part of the body is a invader and needs to be attacked.
  • MS symptoms happen when the immune system attacks the myelin around the nerves.  If you think of your nerves like a wire the myelin would be the protective covering around the wire.  If the nerve underneath the myelin gets hurt that is what causes the symptoms and some times causes permanent disabilities.
  • The body tries to repair the damage that is done but it is never the same. Once the nerve is damaged it won’t ever function the same again.
  • There are a lot of different symptoms that go along with this disease.  I am going to list some of the most common ones: Fatigue, problems with walking, numbness, tingling, slurred speech, tremors, stiffness, problems with vision, cognition, speech, and elimination.  Every person with MS has different symptoms. Which makes some people wonder if everyone that has MS actually has the same disease or if it isn’t a few different diseases that just get grouped in with MS.
  • Anyone can get MS.  Women are more likely to get it than men and so are people with a lighter pigmentation to there skin.  So Montel Williams who has MS is a real rarity.
  • They think MS has a genetic link but they aren’t sure what it is.  In my case there is no one in my family history of it.
  • You usually get diagnosed between the ages of 20-50.  I was a rarity and was diagnosed at age 15 or 16.  Although younger patients are now getting diagnosed because doctors are starting to look for it at a younger ages.  I have noticed though that I have had lots of activity show up on scans but I haven’t had many flare ups that people could see.  In fact if I didn’t tell you I had MS and what symptoms I do have you can’t tell I have it all.
  • MS is rarely fatal.  Most of the time people with MS with get a common cold of the flu and that is what will end up taking their lives.
  • There are several treatments out there that each do things differently.  I am on one called Tysabri and it is the most expensive and most dangerous of the drugs.  All of the current MS treatments are expensive and it makes it hard for people who don’t have insurance or even with insurance to afford.
  • It has been shown that treating the disease helps  to stop the progression of the disease but since all the treatments are so expensive there are many people who simply can’t afford to treat the disease.
  • There is always new treatments in the works and exciting things happening in research that hold so much hope for future generations.  They came out last year with the first pill you can take once a day for treatment.  Up until the pill came out all the treatments were either shots or an infusion.
  • There is currently no cure for MS.

I think I  covered most of the major parts of the disease but if you have questions or want any more information please let a comment and I will answer your questions!

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