Emotions – Page 2 – The World As I See It

As you all know one of my best friends passed away on Sunday. I have tried many times to write this post and I have never been able to get words down on the screen. I have really struggled with this because it was such a shock to me. I was orginally going to write about what I love about her but I have decided that I am going to write a letter to her so that I can tell her everything that I never got a chance to do while she was alive.

* I am not going to get into what happened and other things that are going on as a result. I know Melissa would want me to keep living and let go of anger and hate.

Dear Melissa,

I miss you more and more everyday. I wish that you would have called me and let me know you were so down so that I could have helped you. I am writing this because I want to tell you and all my readers what I learned from you in the short time I knew you.

I learned how to be a better writer. You wrote posts that made people think and I hope that one day I can become as good as a writer as you were. Every post you wrote for my blog and even your own blog made me think and contemplate things in my own life. It takes an amazing writer to make people realize that they need to make changes in their lives just because of something you wrote.
I learned not to ever let people treat me bad. I saw what happened to you and I refused to let people do that to me. I show the toll it took on her and I don’t ever want people to control me.
I also learned that admitting you have a mental illness is nothing you need to hide. It was great to see that I can blog about things and there are people out there that won’t judge me and will understand. You are part of the reason I wrote my adoption story and started to post things that make me vulnerable. I guess I hope one day I have people come to my blog like you had going to yours!
I learned to look for join in the little things in life and how to deal with what life throws at me.

I will never forget you and everything you taught me. I promise that I will live the rest of my life for the both of us! I know I will see you again and I can’t wait til that day comes.

I love you,

Margaret

I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live. Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her. I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self. Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away. I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.

I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family. I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me. I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away. Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them. That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time. To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks. I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing. I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me. It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier. Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure.

Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing. Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing. I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption. In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child. I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.

I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me. Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry? I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it. I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her. Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it. Ok I will get off my soap box now. Sorry I got side tracked.

I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her. If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies. I want people to know that anyone can do it. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done. Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts. I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.

After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all. I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not. I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do. I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids. Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all. I just wish my husband would get that and drop the whole subject but that is a post for another day.

This post is all over but that is how my brain works. Hope it makes some sense to everyone. If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!