Lonely

Lonely

I wrote a few months ago or so about my divorce being final and how it made me feel.  I said in that post that I am okay being single which is totally true but I also get lonely.  Now just because I get lonely doesn’t in anyway mean that I am not okay with being single.  In fact I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship.

I guess I need to explain what I mean when I say I am lonely.  I look at everyone in my life and they all have a significant other in their lives and I wonder from time to time if I am missing out.  These thoughts usually come at night when I should be sleeping.  Even though I get these thoughts from time to time I in no way have the desire or energy to try and find someone to date.

I don’t think it matters how happy you are being single you will still have days where you wish you had someone else in your life.  I also am lonely because I don’t have many friends in my life.  Now most of that has to do with me and what I have decided I want in my life.  I went through the people in my life last year and cut out the people who I knew needed to be out of my life.  I didn’t write about it here because I wasn’t ready and I am still not ready to talk about it.  I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready to talk about it and I also won’t put other people’s business out there on my blog.

Anyway this post was more for me to get thoughts out of my head than for anyone else.  I also have a post coming up this week about how I feel about dating and how I hard it is to meet people in this day and age.

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First Concert

My First Concert

The first concert I attend (or at least I think it was my first) was NSYNC.  I was in 7th or 8th grade.  I went with one of my best friends back then.  I can still remember waiting in line to buy the tickets months and months before the show.  I remember every little detail about the show and remember how I was the day after the show.

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I remember I was super sad and depressed because I had looked forward to going to see them for months and months and then it was over and I felt like I didn’t have anything else to look forward to.  I remember that my grandma laughed at me when I told her why I was sad and now that I look back at it I have to laugh as well.  It crazy how I looked at things when I was younger and how  big this concert was build up in my head.  I did go and see them one more time along with a few other boy bands that were popular at the time.

Now that I am an adult I tend to want to go and see more comedians than music stars.  I have seen Jeff Dunham twice and I loved every second of those shows.  I stake his website so I will know when he come back and my brother and I can go and see him again.  It is weird to me that I love music so much but the thought of going to a musical concert makes me head hurt now.  When I was younger I loved the loud music at concerts and now I don’t think I would be able to stay through the whole thing no matter how much I loved the show.

Who did you see for your first concert? Do you like to see comedians or music stars more?

Mama’s Losin’ It

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Respect

Respect

My brother had his gallbladder out on Sunday and I wanted to write about something here because I see a lack of it respect for choices that others make regarding their own bodies and/or lives.  I love people sharing information with me but I get tired of people trying to push their views on me and others.  Everyone makes different choices because everyone is different.

For example I know now my doctor doesn’t totally agree with some of my choices but she has left it up to me.  She tells me her opinions and what she would do if she was me.  I have seen a lot this going around and it upsets me because everyone makes choices based on their own lives and their own situations.

This doesn’t have to do with just health things but anything going on in people’s lives.  I have stopped sharing most things on Facebook because I get tired of people judging and/or trying to push their views on me and my other friends.  I came to realize while I was pregnant what it feels like to be judged and I try my hardest not to judge anyone.  I know that we all judge people on some level but I do my best to keep in check because I know how it felt to be judged and it is an horrible feeling.

I have friends in my life that I don’t agree with their choices but I do respect them and I also allow them to live their lives as they see fit.  There is no way that everyone in the world will agree with what you do or how you do it but people need respect their choices.

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Changes Over The Last Year

Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much.  I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.

It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.

Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.

Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.

How has the past year been for you?

Mama’s Losin’ It-Changes over the last year

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Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

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