It is time for another MS Tuesday post. I haven’t done one of these in a while because I haven’t had anything to talk about when it comes to my Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Like I have said before if there is ever anything you want to see in one of these posts please let me know and I would be more than happy to write about it.
Anyway today I am going to write about a weird feeling I had the last week. I am not sure if I have ever written about the very first MS symptom that I had but this post will ties into that. The first symptom that I know was the MS was when I was in high school and my left leg started to drag at random times and it just wouldn’t work. I can remember going to see doctors about this and everyone thinking we were making it up but long story short this was the first time I realized that something was wrong.
So last week I had a really weird feeling in my left leg. The best way I can describe it is by saying it felt like it was going to give out while I was walking. I haven’t felt anything like that before and I hope I don’t ever have to feel it again. My leg never did give out but it felt like it could at any moment. As I write it down I guess a better way to describe it would be weakness in my leg.
The medication that I take for the MS can cause you to get a condition called PML and the signs of that can seem like an MS relapse. So my doctor tells me that if I have any weird things going on that last for more than a day to call her and they will get me in to make sure that I am not getting PML. Thank god the feeling was gone by the next morning so I can just chalk it up to a random MS symptom. I am for sure going to tell her about when I see her in September after the MRI I have scheduled at the end of August.
Other than that I have been totally stable and haven’t had anything other than the headaches but I have had them for as long as I can remember so I forget most of the time that they are even there.
How have you been doing? Is there anything about MS you would like to know?
A few months back I wrote a post about the new Chris Mann album and I have since fallen in love with the the song called Roads. Below I have posted the lyrics & the video so that you can see what I am talking about before I tell you why I love the song.
There are roads in this life that we all travel There are scars and there are battles where we roam When we are lost or wherever we may go They will always lead you home
There are roads that have lead me to another To a friend or to a lover I have known For every turn is a year that I have grown As I walk along these roads
Some are long and some are weathered Some will lead you through a storm When you’ve gone astray you will find your way As you walk along these roads
There were times when I stumbled and I wondered But every choice and every step I don’t regret Cause I have lived and I have loved like no other I won’t fear what lies ahead
Some are long and some are weathered Some will lead you through a storm When you’ve gone astray you will find your way As you walk along these roads
There are roads in this life that I have traveled There are scars and there are battles, these I know Cause I’d be lost but no matter where I go They will one day lead me home They will one day lead me home
I am sure most of you know by now that I love music. I always seem to find songs that fit perfectly into my life at the certain moment in time. I received this CD in order for me to review it and I listened to it a few times and thought it was good but it ended up in my car and I didn’t listen it again up until last week. When I randomly put in the CD while I was on my way home from work the title track just hit me differently than it did when I first heard it. I really can’t even pick just one part of the song because I love everything the song says.
I have had a lot of personal things going on that I haven’t blogged about and I don’t think I will ever blog about and this song describes how I have been feeling lately about my life and where I see myself going. I look at my life and I realize more than anything that this song is so true.
Since my daughters birthday this past July I have decided that I am going to go down a road that I have known I need to go down for awhile but I have been too scared to make the first step. Now that I have been on this road for a few months I know without a doubt that this where I need to be and I finally happy with where I am at. For the first time in years I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been. That being said there are things and people that I miss dearly but I know I am where I should be right now.
This is the verse that I keep reading over and over in my head.
There were times when I stumbled and I wondered
But every choice and every step I don’t regret
Cause I have lived and I have loved like no other
I won’t fear what lies ahead
I have learned that I will never regret and of the choices and decisions I have made because without all of them I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I also am not going to live my life fearing the future because everything that happens is meant to be and will make me an even stronger person.
Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much. I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.
It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.
Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.
Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.
My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25. I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago. I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with. What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.
After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry. I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor. After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital. I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.
After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no. My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room. To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital. Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.
After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone. I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone. After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.
After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could. I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken. He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.
Some of you will know that I love music. I always have it on at work in the background and I usually have it on at night when I am designing or surfing the web. I always seem to have songs for everything that I have gone through or are going through. When I was pregnant the song “Welcome To My Life” by Simple Plan was how I was feeling. Every time I hear that song now it brings back all of the memories and feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant.
Right now the song that describes how I am feeling is by Cher from the movie “Burlesque”. It is called “You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”.
I love this song right now because I feel defeated. There is a lot going on right now that I won’t get into but this song says how I feel right now. Like the song says you haven’t seen the last of me. I will get through everything that is going on and I will come out on top!
Do you have songs that explain certain parts of your life?
I watched the Lifetime movie called “Pregnancy Pact” last night and it really got me thinking about teen pregnancy and about my story of getting pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. I decided that I will give you that story today since it is on my mind and I am having trouble writing my post on the MS. Don’t worry I am still working on it. It is just going to take a little longer than what I thought it was going to.
Anyway here is my story.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and lets just say the year started out bad. I should have just moved off campus like Carrie my roommate from my freshman year. The first apartment I was in that year was with freshman and lets just say it was hard because they wanted to party and I had a really tough class that I needed to study for so after things got really bad I asked to move. In the mean time I had started to see a guy and lets just say that I didn’t wait long before I slept with him for the first time.
I moved into a new apartment with two girls that turned out to be drug addicts and one of them ended up over dosing the day before Thanksgiving but I am getting ahead of myself. After I moved in that apartment I got pregnant. I found out because I was so sick that I went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me. They ran a pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant. I already knew I was at that point but I just didn’t want to admit to it. In fact I knew the night it happened that I was.
The rest of that semester is still fuzzy to me. I can remember telling my grandma the night I got out of the hospital on the phone and she basically told me that I should place the baby. The funny thing about that is that I already knew I was going to do that I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone else for a long time. I started going to LDS Family Services because it was free and they had a support group for girls that were pregnant and not married.
After the semester ended I moved home because I couldn’t deal with the stress of school and my roommate over dosing anymore. While I was at home I was working two jobs and taking an online class. In January I started looking for profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story get weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either down syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was ok with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due July 7th and it was hot and tiring be pregnant during the summer. I went in to the doctors a week before I was due and he said that if I didn’t go into labor on my own before my due date he would induce me on my due date.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacumn thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they latter changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
This is a really long post so I will post part two of this story tomorrow and get into why I made the decision to place her and things like that. Hope everyone is having a great Monday. If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment and I will answer all of them!!!
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