Adoption Thoughts

Ways to Cope With Placing Your Child For Adoption

I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005.   I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had.  Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them.  I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.

Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article.  While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said.  I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices.  Here is the paragraph:

Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birthparents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors’ home by friends and relatives. But birthparents’ grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.

Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.

  • Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
  • Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time.  I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
  • Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain.  At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
  • Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk.  There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much.  It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
  • Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run.  Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
  • Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older.  In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby.  I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same.  She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
  • If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions.  I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.

When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012-2016 Margaret Margaret

Coping with Adoption

I was contacted by Sara and she wanted to write a guest post.  She wrote about tips to cope with placing your child for adoption.  Let me know what you think!


The decision to give your child up for adoption is a hard one, but coping with the aftermath of actually placing him or her in adoption is equally as hard if not harder. Once you do relinquish your baby you’re faced with an onslaught of emotions that are unparalleled to anything you’ve ever experienced and can be overwhelming to deal with on your own, even when you know that you’re ultimately doing the right thing. You’ve lost a part of you, and that’s hard no matter what the circumstances were that led you to the decision to place them in adoption in the first place. When faced with these feelings try to use these coping mechanisms:
1. Don’t close yourself off
As much as you may want to ignore the feelings and go on with your life as though nothing happened, it’s important to allow yourself time to grieve over the loss. Dealing with these feelings up front will help you heal quicker than if you try to bottle them up.

2. Recognize each stage of emotion
You likely will go through several stages of emotions: depression, guilt, anger, denial, and ultimately acceptance. Allow yourself time to fully experience each feeling and then let each one go. These feelings are normal and a necessary part of the healing process.

3. Find someone who can relate
Locate a support group or a mentor who can help you work through everything you’re feeling. Having someone to talk that has also been through all the same feelings you’re going through will provide you a crutch to lean on and to help you recover.

4. Write out your emotions
Start a journal or a blog that will allow you to chronicle your feelings. Writing in a journal can be very therapeutic for dealing with emotions and can allow you a way to voice all of your frustration and pain without worry of feeling judged by anyone. Also, blogging can open up a new community of support to you by connecting with other mothers who have also given up their child for adoption.

5. Find the good
If you made the decision to place your child up for adoption then it’s because you knew that you couldn’t give them what they needed and had enough foresight to see that someone else would be better suited to do so. As painful as this decision is, you should also rejoice in the fact that you chose to place them in a good and loving home.
Dealing with the grief over losing a child, even when it’s by choice, is a rocky road to travel. But there is light at the end of the tunnel so don’t give up hope. You may not ever be whole again, but you will recover.

Author Bio
Sara is an active nanny as well as an active freelance writer. She is a frequent contributor of nanny service. Learn more about her at: http://www.nannypro.com/blog/sara-dawkins/.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Connor & Cooper

I started reading “All Are Precious In His Sight” in April of 2010 while the little girl named Chrisse that they adopted from Serbia was in the hospital after having heart surgery.  She passed away after fighting for 31 days.  Chrisse was an amazing little girl and she taught me so much.  I never met her but knowing her story she showed me that there are so many children out there that need homes.  It breaks my heart to know that children that have disablities in other countries and just left in orphanages and eventually get transfered to adult institutions where they spend all of there time in cribs being basically ignored.

Right now they are in Ukraine adopting these two precious boys who have down syndrome.

They are going to name them Cooper & Conner.  Let me tell you a little bit about these two boys.  You look at them and think that they are 3 maybe 4 but no these two boys are 6 years old.  They are in cribs all the time and Conner has bed sores on his back.  They are posting every day on there blog about visiting with the boys twice a day and also they upload videos to their YouTube channel of the  boys and them interacting with them.  I bought a bright pink hoodie from a fundrasier they were doing trying to raise money to get and get two different boys but that adoption ended up not working out.  I have been reading their updates everyday and watching the videos.  My grandma also asks me each day what went on today with them.  I want to ask everyone to pray for them so that they can get these two boys home soon!

I felt the need to write about this because there are so many kids out there who need families.  As everyone knows I am a birth mom so I know all about domestic adoptions but I knew nothing about international adoptions.  They found Chrisse and both of these boys through Reece’s Rainbow.   Reece’s Rainbow lists all the kids they know about that have some sort of disablities it is also a place for people who want to help but don’t feel the calling to adopt.  They let people donate money to any of the kids so that when their families find them there is some money already to help out with the costs.  I was not asked to write this but I want to let people know that if you want to help out orphans you should donate money to these kids and help them find their forever homes.  I am going to pick a child or two and try and raise money for that child so that they can find a family.  I ask that if you have a few extra dollars please consider donating to this site and help out these precious children.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Letter To Brita

This post was originally posted last year during National Adoption Month.  I have updated it and I feel that this can still help other birth mom’s out there.

I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 6.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.

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Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 6 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

My Adoption Story Part One

I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption.  This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.

I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University.  I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing.  I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another.  If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.

Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick.  I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter.   I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me.  My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.

I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester.  After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy.  I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in.  They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.

In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt.  The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought.  This is where the story gets weird to say the least.  Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them.  One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out.  I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.  She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works.  If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.

In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18.  Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those.  After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.

After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them.  Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well.  I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that  she needed to try everything that she could to make it work.  After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.

This was such a relief for me.  After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them.  While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant.  I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.

Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own.  I was in labor for about 12 hours or so.  When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born.  They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.

Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita.  There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy??  Did I do the right thing????  Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption????  I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

A Few Thoughts

Since I have decided to start up support group pages and this blog I have found so many people that have placed for adoption.  For the longest time I have struggled because I haven’t had anyone in my life who placed their child for adoption.  It is so nice now to be able to say something and have other women know how I am feeling and completely understand the ups and downs that come along with placing your child.  They understand that you can me sad and miss your child but that doesn’t mean that you regret your choice.  I know I get sad but I would never change the choice I made to place her with the family who is raising her.  I truly believe that she was meant to for them and that God wants them to be her family! 
For a few months after I had my daughter I did go to a support group that the agency I used had but I got tired of all the drama that some of the girls brought and after I had my daughter it was hard to look at girls who were pregnant and not be jealous of them.  I missed being pregnant because while I was pregnant that means she was still with me and after I had her I went home empty handed.  It is a weird feeling to go to the hospital pregnant and then come home not pregnant and with out a baby.  It is such a weird feeling to say the least.  When they say that you ache for your child they are right.  It is just something inside of you that knows something is missing.  If you haven’t been through it I don’t know that you can completely understand it.  I also hope that most people never have to learn what it feels like.

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