Saying Goodbye. . .

Saying Goodbye

If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat.  She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post.  I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.

Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me.  It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice.  They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work.  Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.

It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect.  I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end.  I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy.  I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be.  I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley.  I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again.  It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.

In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks.  I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going.  I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.  I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

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Writers Workshop

These are the prompts for this weeks writers workshop:
1.) Describe a job you absolutely would never want to do.
2.) Show us where you live. Not on a map (security please), but take a picture of the view out your front door, back door, or neighborhood.
3.) What makes you mad, and what are you going to do about it?
4.) In an effort to spread awareness, share your (or someone you know/love) breast cancer story
5.) If you could stop time for 24 hours, what would you accomplish?

It was hard for me to decide which one I was going to do that is why this post is up later.  I finally decided that I am going to write about #3.  For everyone that truly knows me you know that even I don’t know what is going to set me off.  The problem I have is I have a really hard time telling people when they hurt me or make me mad and then it all builds and I erupt.  I am working on this but it is super hard because I have a super hard time letting people into my life because I always seem to get hurt so I guard myself to stop me from getting hurt.  There are a few people in my life like Misti that know this about me and deal with me.  I feel bad for people that don’t really know me and get the wrath of me when I have been pushed too far.  My husband was usually on the receiving end when I was with him.  He would also do things to piss me off so that I would leave him but that is a totally different post.

When I erupt I usually yell and scream and then end up crying alone in my room.  I am finding though that if when I reach that point and just walk away the anger will go away.  I also am starting to write blog posts to who ever I am mad at and that helps even though I hardly ever post them.