Wow this past year has changed me in so many ways. I can’t even imagine where I would be if my life hadn’t changed that much. I am going to write about the changes over the last year for me and some of the people in my life. All the changes has been so good for me and also for the people that are in my life.
It was this time last year that they let Misti go at work. I still remember the day they let her go like it was yesterday even though I still wish that is was just a bad dream and that I could wake up for it. I don’t know that it will ever be the same here without her being here. It is even harder to wrap my head around the fact that she has had a baby and is now a mother.
Also anyone who has followed my blog from the start will know that my daughters birthday is coming up and that always makes it a tough time of year for me. I am finding that this year is going to be harder than some of the past years have been. It is always hard to gauge how a year will be for me but I think this is going to be hard for me.
Well that was quite the tangent so lets get back to the post. Other than those things I am still pretty much blogging about the same things. I really haven’t changed what I blog about because I have always just blogged about my life and for the most part my life doesn’t change that much.
I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005. I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had. Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them. I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.
Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article. While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said. I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices. Here is the paragraph:
Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.
Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time. I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain. At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk. There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much. It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run. Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older. In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby. I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same. She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions. I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.
When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.
“Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.”
Francesca Reigler
About three weeks ago, I signed up for the SITSGIRLS Tribe Building/Blogging Support event. We started last week, were assigned to groups with animal names (Hare & Lamby for me), got to connect with a new set of bloggers with somewhat similar niches, and were off and running to complete daily tasks/assignments. It has been a whirlwind of activity ever since and one of the assignments was to pair up with a fellow team member and guest blog for each other today. As serendipity would have it, Margaret and I connected and agreed to give it a shot. Margaret and I consulted with each other and the result is what you are staring at here …Adapted from another post.
Regardless of what we believe, one thing is certain: our attitude accompanies us on every path we travel and serves as judge and jury to our actions; we must choose wisely.
A Case in Point: When I was in graduate school, I had the good fortune of studying with a beloved and highly regarded Professor of Clinical Psychology; we’ll call him Prof Zee here. Prof Zee’s classes were always packed with eager students because he had a reputation for being a brilliant, compassionate and attentive teacher. He was skilled at distilling complex theories and equations into clear and understandable language and even students from other departments lined up to register for and take his fundamentals course.
To our dismay, Prof Zee announced at the beginning of one academic year that he planned to retire and move away from New York. Everyone scrambled to register for his final semester class and those of us who were fortunate enough to attend that final course were forever blessed by the wisdom and skill of a master teacher.
On the first day of class, Prof Zee advised us to “stop worrying about failure or success and focus on being present and engaged.” We were. Throughout the course, he engaged and challenged us with individual and group assignments. For our final exams, he gave us both a take home and in-class exam. We came to our last class both exhilarated and saddened. Somehow, we suspected that Prof Zee had something up his sleeve. He gave back the exams and instructed us to spend a few minutes reflecting on our efforts throughout the semester. Then he said, “I want you to write the final cumulative grade you know you deserve on your exam sheet and give it back to me.” We did and quickly handed our papers back.
Once all the grade sheets were returned to Prof Zee, he led us in a riveting discussion on how our beliefs, attitudes, and training shape our choices, decisions, and ultimately, our outcomes. What were other internal/external predictors? He called on several students to ask why they gave themselves a low/high grade. The answers were revelatory and ran the gamut; I earned it, I didn’t deserve it, I shoulda-coulda-woulda, I know my stuff and on and on. There was a heated discussion on the impact expectations and a positive attitude has on our sense of self worth and value. In the end, we agreed that a healthy self-image, a positive mental attitude gives us more “A+” Days. We have free will to make our own choices and it is up to us to stay stuck in a rut or go with the flow. To make us remember this, Prof Zee gave us the final grade we wrote down … we deserved it! What are you choosing to do?
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret