I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me. If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:
Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.
At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed. I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that. I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.
For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions. Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.
Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past. In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away. I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.
I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain. Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.
I haven’t participated in the Writers Workshop for a few weeks but I really liked on of her prompts this week. I am going to write about: 5.) List the songs that tell your life story (so far). I am sure most of you know that I love everything that has to do with music. I am just going to list the songs and if you click on the name it will take you to the music video.
Welcome to My Life-I first heard this song while I was pregnant and it still reminds me of my life. I love everything about this song. I still have days where it is exactly how I feel.
Over You-This song is for someone in my past. I think there is only one person who knows who this song is for. I am not going to get into the story because it isn’t something I can really talk about yet.
In A Hurry-This song is how I am. I am trying to slow down and just enjoy life but that is always easier said than done in today’s society.
I Wonder-This song is how I feel about my birth mom and it says everything I wish I could tell her but I won’t ever say to her.
Everything to Me-This song is written and sung by Mark Schultz. He was adopted and he wrote this about his feeling on adoption. This song is written from the point of view of the child who was placed. There is a song by Cheire Call who has a song that is written from the birth parents view but I couldn’t find a video on it.
Fly Away-I have a post coming up on Monday about this song so please make sure you come back and see why this song applies to me.
These are the first 7 songs that came to mind when I saw this prompt.
I am sure that most of you know by now that I place my daughter for adoption when I was 20. She will be 7 in July and it is so hard to believe that it has been 7 years since I have been pregnant. I never thought I was going to make it through the first year let alone 7 years.
I recently found a blog by Tiffany who recently adopted a little girl. As I was reading through the story of her adoption I found a part in her post that put into words things I have wanted to say for 7 years but could never find the words. Here is the quote:
I deeply resent the people who have said, about birth parents, “I can’t imagine ever giving away my child.”
The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine. The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go. This instinct isn’t really the love itself but rather our own heart’s selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.
But birth parents understand that truly loving someone can mean letting go. It can mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.
It is utter selflessness. It is true courage. It is pure love.
I read this quote to my grandma the other night and it brought tears to her eyes. This says everything that I felt when I placed my daughter but have never found the words to express. There isn’t much I can really say about it because she says everything that is in my heart. I really recommend that you should go and check out her blog and read the whole story of her adopting their newest little girl.
I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005. I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had. Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them. I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.
Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article. While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said. I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices. Here is the paragraph:
Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.
Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time. I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain. At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk. There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much. It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run. Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older. In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby. I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same. She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions. I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.
When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.
This post was originally posted last year during National Adoption Month. I have updated it and I feel that this can still help other birth mom’s out there.
I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this. As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.
It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard. I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them. I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again. It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt. I can’t believe my daughter is 6. Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.
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Dear Brita,
I can’t believe you are already 6 years old. I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder. I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t. I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through saying goodbye. I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms. I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you. If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be. I hope you grow up happy. I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts. I hope you never doubt the love I have for you. I will always love you no matter what you do. I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you! I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you. In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!
I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption. This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another. If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.
Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick. I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter. I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me. My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.
I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester. After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy. I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in. They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.
In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story gets weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done. She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works. If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
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