Freaky Friday & An Award

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It is time again for Freaky Friday Follow.  There are just a few simple rules to follow for this one:

• Grab the button and post in on your blog
• Make sure you follow both the hosts 
• Leave a comment so we can return the follow.
• Try and follow are least 2 other people that are linked up
• Link up to the post that has the button on it!

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

I got this great award from New Mom.  Here are the RULES that come along with winning this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Pay it forward to 15 bloggers that you have recently discovered.

4. Contact bloggers and tell them about their award!

First I will share 7 things about me:

1. I was raised by my grandparents
2. I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 20
3. I played the Violin when I was younger
4. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 15
5. I have 2 cats that I treat like they are my kids.
6. My boss is one of my best friends
7. I am learning to design blogs from another one of my best friends!

I am supposed to pass it on to 15 people.  Since I don't like following the rules I am just going to give it to anyone that is playing along with FFF.  If you would like to take feel free!

No Parent Left Behind

I got this email at work and it made me smile.  I thought we all could use a smile!  I hope you enjoy it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .
Spellings have been left intact.

 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out  of a tree and misplaced his hip.

 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.   He was hurt in the growing part.

 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She
had  diahre   dyrea   direathe the shits.

 
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

What Would You Do?

I thought about skipping my guest post this week. My mind certainly is not as focused as I would like it to be. However, I decided to follow through with it. The main reason why is I need the distraction. My father’s death has been very hard on me.

Usually, I am the one presenting some ideas, and/or quotes - giving you my take on them - hoping you will like what I have to say. What I share is based on my own experiences, and how I have grown, and changed from them. Right now things are different. I am encountering something I never have experienced before. The feeling of loss, and grief from the death of my father.

I have absolutely no idea what I can do - if anything - to ease the pain in my heart. I am clueless about how I can help ease my mother’s heart wrenching pain. I honestly have no idea what to do.

I am turning to you, hoping you can give me some advice that might help me get through the difficult days ahead.

How do other people deal with feelings of grief, and loss?

How do you provide emotional support to someone who is hurting as much as you are?

Does the emotional pain go away?

Meet Me On Monday

1.  Crunchy or soft tacos?
Soft!!!  I should eat crunchy ones because I shouldn't have gluten but I don't like crunchy ones at all.
2.  Do you scrapbook?
I do.  I have even scrapbooked my cats.
3.  Do you take any daily medications?
Ya I take a few things daily.  I take: Baclofen, Zoloft, Loritab and then Lunsta most nights so I can sleep.
4.  What is your favorite sound?
I love any and all music!
5.  Where were you born?
At St. Marks Hospital in Salt Lake City Utah.

NES & Health Update

Another week down and I have actually done really well this week when it comes to eating at night.  Friday and Saturday nights where the only nights that I ate so that is a huge improvement from where it has been.  I am still on the Slim Fast diet and it isn't going super well.  I haven't weighed myself so I am not sure where I am at right now but I think I am going to weigh myself first thing in the morning and see where I am at and use that as my starting weight.  I hope that I can start losing the weight but I don't really hold out much hope of it.  I know I need to start exercising again but with the MS as bad as it had gotten I am not sure how I will do working out.  I am going to try and do the 30 day shred again tomorrow and see how far I get before I feel like I am dying.


I am so tired of the MS and always being sick.  I am 26 and yet I am always at home because I am to tired or weak to do anything.  I am just tired of being tired and in pain all the time.  I know that it is just part of the disease but it is getting old quickly.  In June we are going to Yellowstone and I am not sure how much I am going to be able to do.  I am scared that I am not going to be able to do all the hikes with my family.  I will be so sad if I end up having to sit out some of it.  I love Yellowstone and all the hiking but if the MS stays like it is I am not going to be able to much of anything.  I am holding out hope that things will be okay and I will be able to do what I want to do.  My hands are super numb right now and I think I am getting carpel tunnel which sucks but just another issue I have to over come.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and will have a great week!

Elinore

Freaky Friday

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It is time again for Freaky Friday Follow.  There are just a few simple rules to follow for this one:

• Grab the button and post in on your blog
• Make sure you follow both the hosts
• Try and follow are least 2 other people that are linked up
• Link up to the post that has the button on it!

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

If You Don't Like It . . .

I have decided that I am done playing the number game.  I am going back to blogging for me.  I am not going to worry about how many people read my blog or how many followers I have.  I would rather have people follow me that actually read what I write instead of tons of followers who don 't read what I write.  I am also not going to follow blogs unless they appeal to me.  I got so caught up in getting my number of followers higher that I forgot why I blog.  If I lose some followers then oh well such is life.  I am back to blogging for me!  Oh and if people I write about here read it then that is oh them!  I am not going to censor what I right because it may hurt peoples feelings!  If you don't like it then don't read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am also thinking about changing the name to My Life . . . My Stories.  My private blog was named that and since I have deleted it I am thinking that it is a perfect name for this blog.  What does everyone think about that????

Rambling

I am finding that I am in funk lately.  I just came seem to find things to write about and some days even if I have things to write I don't feel like writing them.  I hate when I have days or weeks like this.  I can sit for hours and stare at a blank screen and have no idea how to get the thoughts in my head out of my head.  I am just so tired of things in my life that I not sure what to do to make them go away or at least not bug me as much as they have been.  I am just tired of a lot of things in my life anymore.  I am so tired of being sick and not being able to do much because I get tired so quickly.  Like Saturday my Grandma and I went shopping and we were only gone a few hours by the time we got home I could barely move because I was in so much pain.  I am just tired always being sick and spending so much time and money at doctors offices.  Hell I live at home because I can't afford rent because of the doctor bills!  I guess I am just tired of this disease and it taking my life away from me.  I am only 26 is shouldn't have to deal with this stupid disease.  Hell no one should have to deal with this disease.  It might be easier if I could plan on what was going to be wrong during a day but every morning when I get up and I am like "well what is going to work right today?".  I am always waiting for something to go wrong because you never know what this disease will do.

I also am having a rough time being single right now.  It sucks when I have times like this.  People around me are going to say see you aren't okay being single.  What they don't get is that some days are tough and it tends to get lonely but more than not I am totally satisfied being alone.  I hate when I feel like this because I know all too well that I am better off alone.  In time this all will pass or at least I hope it will pass!!

Controlled By Fear

Melissa from Sugar Filled Emotions is a regular guest poster on my blog.  He dad died in is sleep on Saturday night.  Go to her blog and leave her some love because I am know she could really use it right now.  Melissa know I always am here for you and love you!

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you are right." 

~ Henry Ford

For a long time I lived without taking any chances, rather than put myself in a position to fail. The thought of what others might say or think about me - when I failed - was enough to make my stomach hurt, and paralyze me. I have put aside many dreams out of fear of failure, and embarrassment. Fear controlled most - sometimes all - of my life. There is no joy in life when almost every aspect of it is controlled by fear.

Learning how to let go of fear has been difficult. As much as I hated being controlled by something that made me feel so bad, the thought of not having it around actually made me afraid. I had become comfortable with it and it was as if I was contemplating losing a part of myself. In a way I guess I was.

With the help of my counselor, I came up with a plan to help me let go of the thing - fear - that was having such a negative impact on my life. The beauty of it is how simple it is. All I do is ask myself "What is the worst thing that can happen?"

Identifying, measuring, and doing what I can to mitigate my risks allows me to put my fear aside and move forward. My plan boosts my confidence, and creates a handy reference tool when I start feeling overwhelmed.

I wish I could say I was always successful at working this plan, but I cannot. What I can say is I am getting better at it. There are fewer times when I feel overwhelmed by fear. I can also say that less of my life is controlled by fear, and I have hope that someday soon it will have no control over any aspect of my life.

I understand, and realize that there is always a chance that my dreams might come true. I know if they do not it is not the end of the world. In the end, the very fact that I pursued my dreams makes me a more interesting, and well rounded person.

NES Check In

I have had a really rough week but I did really well up until Saturday night.  I only ate one other at night this week so for me that means it has been a great week!  the new antidepressant is working so that is a great thing and helps me know I can and will beat this disease.  I started the whole Slim Fast diet so I am hoping that it will help me lose the weight I put on while I was on my old antidepressant.  The new antidepressant has made me not want to eat so it is easier to be on a diet while I am taking it.  That's all of it for this week!  I hope everyone has a great week!!! 

The Japanese Tsunami: When The Past Dances With the Present

I am super excited to have a guest post today!!!!!  I met him on Twitter and asked him if he would guest post for me.  I have never had a male guest post for me before and I was excited to finally have one!  After reading his post here go and check out his blog!

As of this writing, 3/16/11, the Japanese death toll is over 4,000, with countless thousands missing, and an estimated $200 billion in damages has already occurred. This ongoing tragedy is really a tale of three horrific events, an earthquake, a tsunami, and the looming threat of a nuclear catastrophe. Because Japan is located in the Ring of Fire region, it has a long history of earthquakes and tsunamis. The shifting of geographic tectonic plates beneath the Pacific ocean causes the earthquakes. This in turn causes the tsunami in the Pacific’s vast waters. Wikipedia lists major earthquakes in Japan going back to November 684 A.D. This current earthquake, measured 8.9 on the Richter scale, is the strongest earthquake of those listed.
Like Karen Zacharias’ well written and moving play, Legacy of Light, these events model a dance between past and present. In Legacy of Light, the philosophy and physics of 17th century Voltaire and his former mistress Emilie du Chatelet are juxtaposed and intertwined with related individuals and events in our present time. On a much more horrific scale, the earthquakes and tsunamis of Japan’s tumultuous geographic past are becoming intertwined with the most powerful force unleashed by mankind in history, atomic power.
Japan has 55 nuclear power plants, with several more planned. The US has 104. The most significant nuclear meltdowns to date have occurred in the US, 3 Mile Island, and in Russia, Chernobyl. The Japanese power plant in its’ Fukushima plant is now confirmed to be in a meltdown situation. The damage was initially caused by the earthquake and tsunami, but has now taken on a life of its own. In the past, this third stage of the disaster would not have occurred. But now, it could ultimately be the most devastating part. Somehow in our modern, sheltered world of computer, smart phones, and SUVs, we forget where we come from. We forget the power of nature and we can barely conceive of the consequences when the past dances with the present.
By Steve Mallis

Great Sale Going On!

I am so excited to announce that I am now designing blogs with Wacky Jacqui's Designs!  The new layout I have I did all on my own!!!!  I am still learning but I want to let everyone in on this great sale that Jacqui and I are hosting.  You can get a blogger package for $55 that is usually $65 or you can get a Wordpress package for $ 55 that usually is $85!  Those are both great deals!!!!!!!!!  Here are the details of what each package includes:

Blogger Package
• 2 , 3 or 4 column design
• Custom background
• Custom header
• Sidebar titles (unlimited)
• Custom signature
• Custom post divider
• Social network icons
• Custom blog button
• Navigation bar with text
• Favicon
• Installation

Wordpress Package
• 2 , 3 column design
• Custom background
• Custom header
• Blog button
• Matching font color
• Custom Font for post and sidebar titles
• Custom signature
• Social network icons
• Menu Bar (drop down +8)
• Favicon
• Installation

These prices don't include and kits or image fee's and we add a 3.00 dollar Paypal fee to each package.  Click here to fill out the order from and please put my name in the referring box so that we know it is my order!!!!!  If you have any questions please leave a comment or email me!  I also have a giveaway coming up as well!

Triple F

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It is time again for Freaky Friday Follow.  There are 3 simple rules to follow for this one:

• Grab the button and post in on your blog
• Make sure you follow both the hosts 
• Link up to the post that has the button on it!

I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Thank You Note Thursday

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It is time for another Thank You Note Thursday.  All you have to do is grab the button, write your letters and come back and link up.  These letters can be serious or sarcastic.

Dear Pear,
I really wish you would make up your mind and figure out your shit so that I can figure out what I want to do!
Margaret

Dear Jacqui,
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Margaret

Dear Followers,
Thank you so much for reading the crap that I write and commenting on it!
Margaret

Great Questions Part 1

Here is part one of the questions that I posted the other day.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
I have always wanted to be 21 forever.  Once I turned 21 I said that I wasn't going to get any older because I could do everything so why get any older.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Both suck.  I don't know that I could really pick between the two.  They are both hard to live with or at least they are to me  but I would have to say not trying.  Because if you don't try you will always wonder if it would have worked or not.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
I think it is because people are scared just be themselves.  I have learned that I am going to do the things I love and the only thing I am going to do that I don't like is work.  Life is to short to spend the time doing things you hate!
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
I try and do things for people.  People that know me know that I am pretty quiet but I always try and help people out.  I hate to see people hurt or in need.  I am always doing something to help others.  So I think I would have done more things that I would have talking.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
I would like to get rid of bullying.  I am so sad when I see that more kids are killing themselves because of bullies.  I was bullied in high school but at least I could go home to get away from it.  The poor kids can't get away from it ever.  I really am tired and pissed off that adults still bully people as well!  Everyone needs to treat others how they want to be treated!
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Working as CNA in a nursing home taking care of the elderly.  
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I am settling because I am tired of fighting for what I want.  I am just worn out and have lost the fight I had in me.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I wouldn't do anything differently.  I am living life to it fullest now and there isn't anything I would change about it.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
For the most part I have controlled all of it.  I mean I didn't plan on getting MS but other than that I have pretty much put myself in places that I should have been and brought on a lot of my own grief because of how I have acted or what I was doing at the time.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
I want to do whatever I do right.  I might be doing the "wrong" thing but I am going to do it to the fullest of my ability.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I stick up for them.  I can't sit around and let people talk shit on a person that is my friend.  I hate to sit and listen to it even if I don't know the person they are talking about.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Live life to the fullest and don't ever look back only look forward.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
I don't know if I would or not but I am leaning towards no I don't think I would break the law to save someone I loved.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Not that I an remember
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
How I eat my food when I am eating a meal.  I have to eat all of one thing before I can move on to the next thing and I hate for the different foods to touch.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Because we are all different which is a great thing.  We would all get tired of each other if we all like the same things.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
There really isn't anything that I want to do that I haven't done.  
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Yes and I am working on letting it go but it takes time!
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Hawaii for sure!  
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
No I only push it once because it doesn't go faster no matter how many times yo push the button.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
A joyful simpleton for sure.  Worrying is super tiring.
22. Why are you, you?
Because I can't be anyone but me.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I have done things wrong but I try every day to be the kind of friend that I want.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
A friend moving away.  
25. What are you most grateful for?
My friends, family and my cubs.

Great Questions

A few weeks ago I was reading Dutch Being Me and she had these questions posted on her blog.  I thought they would be super fun to answer.  I won't be answering them all in one post but in a couple of posts.  These questions have no right or wrong answers. Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

NES Check In

It has been a few weeks since I have written a post about my fight trying to get over NES.  I haven't been doing well at all with it.  I haven't really been trying to hard because I am trying to get through the withdrawals symptoms that I am having since I have stopped Lexapro and started taking Zoloft.   I didn't really keep track of the days that I didn't eat but I did really bad last night.  I have been struggling with a few things lately and I think that is why I have been struggling with eating at night.  I am really struggling with being single right now.  I have really started to miss a few guys from my past but I know that they are there for a reason. 

All I all it has been a rough few weeks but I am going to start working hard on it again and I hope that I will do better this week.

Letting Go Of Hate

You cannot hate other people without hating your self.

Oprah Winfrey

This has been a super hard post to write.  I think this has been the hardest post I have had to write so far.  I have been working on it on and off for months now and I keep erasing it.  I just can’t seem to find the right words to write what I want to say.  I know how I feel about the subject and what I am trying to say I just can’t get it written down right.  This subject got brought up because I have such strong feeling towards child molesters and people don’t understand why I am trying to let go of the hate for the person that hurt me.  Some people think that I am a hypocrite because I hate people that hurt children but I am still trying to let go of the hate I have been holding for the person that hurt me.  I have come to realize that hating people does nothing to the person you hate.  All it does is poison your soul and make you an angry hateful person.  Now that being said it doesn’t mean letting go of hate is an easy thing to do.  I have a few people that I “hate” and I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive them for what they have done.  I hope one day I will be able to but I can’t be sure if I will or not. 

One of those people is Josh my husband.  I know I need to let go of the hate I have for him but it is so much easier said than done.  I know me being angry and hurt over the fact that he had to pick Christmas day to leave me isn’t doing anything to him.  He gets to go on with his life and it doesn’t affect him.  He probably doesn’t even think about it.  It is so hard for me though because every year the pain comes back.  I wish there were some way to erase the pain so that I could get past it.  I am hoping in time I will be able to forgive him but I am not going to make any promises.

I hope that this post makes sense to everyone.  I am sure that I will post about this topic again!

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.

NELSON MANDELA, Autobiography 

Triple F

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It has been one hell of a week for me to say the least!  I am so glad it is Friday!  Friday also means I get to watch Zak with GAC and he can always put me in a great mood!  I hope everyone has a great Friday and an even better weekend!

TYNT

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It is time for another Thank You Note Thursday.  All you have to do is grab the button, write your letters and come back and link up.  These letters can be serious or sarcastic.
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Dear Jacqui,
I can't thank you enough for teaching me how to design blogs and finding the cat graphic that I have for my design now!  I will never be able to thank you enough.!
Margaret

Dear Followers,
Thank you for following and leaving comments on my posts! It means a lot that you take the time to read and comment on what I write!
Margaret

Dear Idiots,
If you have something to say about me then say it to me!  I am a big girl and can take it or better yet just shut it!!!!!!!!!!!  I won't take time for idiots and high school games!
Pissed Off Margaret

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

A Rough Time

This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

Freaky Friday Follow

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I am so glad it is finally Friday because that means I am off today.  I have tons to do but at least I don't have to be at work!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope that everyone has a great Friday.

Thank You Note Thursday

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It is time for another Thank You Note Thursday.  All you have to do is grab the button, write your letters and come back and link up.  These letters can be serious or sarcastic.
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Dear Winter,
It is time for you to go away for good!!!!!  I am so tired of the snow and it being so damn cold.  It is now March and I am so done with the snow and the freezing temperatures.  I can only take a few months of winter driving and it is way past that point.  Please leave now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frozen & Snowed In

Dear Rude Callers,
It isn't my problem that the men I work with don't answer their phones and/or listen to their voice mails.  If you wanna yell at someone yell at them!!!  I am done getting yelled at for crap that isn't my fault and having to still be nice after you yell at me!
Pissed Off Receptionist

Men I Work With,
ANSWER YOUR PHONE CALLS & LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE MAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed Receptionist

MS & Lyme

This week I am going to talk about how some people are misdiagnosed with MS when they actually have Lyme Disease.  I got the idea for this from a comment that was left on the MS a few weeks ago.  After I read the comment that she left I knew I had to find out more about this.  There is so many reports out about this subject but I have found they are hard to digest and get through.  I am going to post a summary of what I have found on the subject. (Please know that there are reports out there but they hard to understand and I am going to do my best to high light all the interesting things I am reading.  If I get some thing wrong please let me know so I can correct it!)

• I read where it says that they patients are getting the diagnoses of "probably MS" and not an official diagnoses of MS.  While they are undergoing treatment for MS they aren't seeing any improvement in their symptoms in fact they may be getting worse.
• MS and Lyme Disease both attack the central nervous system and leave the same type of lesions on the nerves.
• One site I read said that people that are treated with steroids may seem like they are getting better but they are actually just having the symptoms of the Lyme Disease masked by the steroids

That is all that I could find about it.  Most of what I could find was articles were patients stories.  I debated about posting the woman's comment that left on my blog but I decided that I am going to.  If you are reading this and would like me to take it down I will just let me know!
I think that it is worth your while researching Lyme Disease thoroughly.
You will find the blood tests miss 50% of cases.
The MRI scan is the same for Lyme Disease as for MS.
There is research that shows that many patients with MS have a spirochetal infection- which Lyme Disease is.
Treatment for Lyme Disease is antibiotics long term.
Treatment for MS -Steroids is contra indicated for Lyme Disease because it allows the bacterial infection to progress whilst appearing to supress the symptoms.
Tom Grier a microbiologist wrote 4 excellent lectures found in the right hand column of my blog he was also diagnosed with MS and then found it was Lyme Disease and recovered on appropriate antibiotics.

Lyme Disease is an emerging illness and there is much controversy over it so don't expect much guidance from your neurologist do your own research and good luck.

They do not yet know what causes MS they only assume it is auto immune whilst the controversy rages over Lyme Disease how many MS patients are being missed when just simple antibiotics can restore health.

I know that she says a lot of what I wrote over but she does have other information in there that I think is great as well.  This was one of the hardest MS posts I have written because it was hard to find documentation on this subject because Lyme Disease is a newer condition.  I hope it was somewhat helpful though!

Sources:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/15949/multiple_sclerosis_patients_should.html?cat=5
http://www.google.com/search?q=lyme+disease+and+MS&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&client=firefox-a&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US367