THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down
when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver
then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against
a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?' The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'
Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.'
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. 'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watch ed the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

HAIR

WELL I SURVIVED ANOTHER DAY. I WENT AND GOT MY HAIR COLORED YESTERDAY. SO NOW I HAVE ALOT MORE RED AND LESS BLACK. SO I AM HAPPY ABOUT THAT. ONE DAY I WILL GO ALL RED!!!!! I REALLY LIKE THE RED COLOR, AND SO FAR NO ONE HAS NOTICED THAT I RE-DYED IT. GUESS IT ISN'T A BIG CHANGE LOL.

I AM MORE AND MORE CONFUSED AS THE DAYS GO ON. I AM NOT SURE WHAT JOSH WANTS TO DO. HE JUST SEEMS DISTANT AND I CAN'T TELL IF HE REALLY WANTS TO WORK IT OUT OR NOT. I GUESS I WILL GO OFF OF WHAT HE SAYS AND IF HE DOESN'T MEAN IT THEN I WILL FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER. I CAN'T WORRY ANYMORE AND I CAN'T LET HIM HURT ME LIKE HE DOES WHEN HE SAYS THINGS LIKE HE DOESN'T CARE IF I CALL. I NEED TO PUT MY WALL BACK UP THAT I HAD TAKEN DOWN AND LET HIM IN. BUT I GUESS HE DOESN'T WANT IN TO MY WORLD. OR MAYBE HE DOES HE JUST DOESN'T REALIZE I LET HIM IN. I AM NOT SURE AND DON'T REALLY WANNA BRING IT UP TO HIM. GUESS WE WILL DISCUSSES THIS WHEN HE IS HOME AGAIN IF HE COMES HOME AGAIN THAT IS.

ANOTHER DAY

WELL ANOTHER DAY HAS COME AND GONE AND I STILL FEEL LIKE OLD HABITS ARE COMING BACK. IT WAS ALL I COULD DO THIS MORNING TO NOT LET IT HAPPEN. I KNOW I AM TRYING MY HARDEST BUT I FEEL I WILL SLIP UP. I TRY SO HARD BUT MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL GET THE BEST OF ME. MAYBE I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT IT THIS TIME. I HAVE NEVER FELT THE URGE THIS BAD BEFORE. I HOPE I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS BUT I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE THAT I WILL.

I AM GETTING SICKER EVERYDAY AND SMALL THING ARE GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DO. I KEEP TRYING BUT DON'T KNOW THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO WORK FOREVER. THINGS ARE ALMOST GETTING TO HARD TO DO ANYMORE. TYPING IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS FOR ME TO DO AND IT IS MUCH OF MY JOB THAT ALL I CAN DO IS MY BEST AND HOPE THAT I CAN KEEP IT UP FOR AWHILE. IF NOT THEN I GUESS I GET TO CLAIM DISABILITY OR TRY AND GET DISABILITY. BUT WHY WORRY ABOUT IT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN AND WORRYING WONT CHANGE THAT. SO ALL I CAN DO IS TRY EACH DAY AND HOPE IT IS GOOD ENOUGH TO GET BY. I KNOW ONE DAY WORKING WON'T HAPPEN ANYMORE BUT ALL I CAN DO IS TRY AND GET BY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON WITH JOSH AND I. IT IS DAY TO DAY ANYMORE. I WISH HE COULD SEE I AM CHANGING BUT I DON'T THINK HE DOES. HE HAS MADE ME NOT BE BITCHY AT ALL TOWARDS HIM CAUSE I KNOW HE WILL SAY SEE YOU AREN'T CHANGING. I ALSO AM TIRED OF ASKING FOR MONEY. IF HE DOESN'T OFFER ANY THEN I GUESS I AM JUST GOING TO GO WITH OUT. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM IN HIGH SCHOOL ASKING A PARENT FOR MONEY. IT IS A JOKE. I THINK AT SOME POINT HE NEEDS TO STEP UP AND JUST GIVE IT TO ME WITH OUT ME HAVING TO ASK ALLTHE TIME. IT ISN'T LIKE I AM NOT WORKING. I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN AND STILL NOT MAKING IT MONTH TO MONTH. HE THEN HAS TO PROCEED TO TELL ME HOW BIG HIS CHECKS ARE LIKE HE IS TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD. I DON'T THINK HE GETS THAT I REALLY AM TOTALLY BROKE. HE JUST ASSUMES I ALWAYS HAVE MONEY. OH WELL. . .

OLD HABITS DIE HARD

WELL IT IS A NEW WEEK AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM READY FOR IT OR NOT. I AM TIRED OF THE WHOLE NOT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON FROM DAY TO DAY WITH JOSH. I FEEL SO UP IN THE AIR WITH HIM ALL THE TIME. I AM CHANGING AND PEOPLE SEE THAT BUT I DON'T KNOW THAT HE DOES. I DON'T KNOW THAT HE EVER WOULD NOTICE I AM CHANGING. I FEEL LIKE WHY DO IT, BUT THEN I HAVE TO REMEMBER IT IS FOR ME AND NOT HIM. SO WHETHER OR NOT HE SEES IT ISN'T IMPORTANT. ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT I AM CHANGING. I WILL NEVER BE PERFECT BUT I SURE WILL BE BETTER AT IT. MAYBE HE WILL SEE IT MAYBE HE WON'T. I KNOW AT SOME POINT HE WILL SEE IT BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT WILL BE. MY MS APPOINTMENT IS COMING UP QUICK AND I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET ON STABILIZER PILLS THEN. I THINK THE PILLS WILL HELP ME NOT FREAK OUT AS MUCH, AND MAY EVEN HELP WITH THE ANXIETY THAT I HAVE ALL THE TIME. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE THAT THE PILL OR PILLS WILL WORK. I KNOW THAT I CAN GET BETTER IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT. I WILL GET BETTER FOR ME AND IF JOSH WANTS TO STICK AROUND OK AND IF NOT THEN I WILL MOVE ON. DON'T GET ME WRONG I DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TOO.

I KNOW JOSH HATES TO SEE ME SUFFER WITH THE MS SO I HAVE STARTED TO WONDER IF I JUST SHOULDN'T LET HIM GO SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME. MAYBE I JUST SHOULDN'T TELL HIM CAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THAT HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. I WONDER IF I SHOULD JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW I AM DOING. I HAVE FOUND MYSELF WANTING SO BAD TO FALL BACK INTO BAD HABITS THAT I THOUGHT I WAS OVER. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO REALLY KNOW ME I KNOW YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T I WON'T SAY HERE WHAT THEY ARE IF YOU CONFUSED SEND ME A MESSAGE AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW. ANYWAY I FOUND MYSELF THIS WEEKEND LOOKING AND LOOKING FOR THINGS. I THOUGHT I HAD BEATEN THIS PROBLEM YEARS AGO AND I GUESS UNDER THE AMOUNT OF STRESS I AM UNDER BAD OLD HABITS COME BACK. DON'T GET ME WRONG I AM FIGHTING IT BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL GIVE IN OR IF I CAN BEAT IT AGAIN. I AM TRYING TO BEAT IT AGAIN SO WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. ALL I CAN SAY IS OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THE PEOPLE I HAVE AROUND ME THAT CARE AND THAT I KNOW WILL BE THERE THROUGH ANYTHING. I MAY SEEM TO PUSH YOU AWAY BUT I AM NOT. YOU ARE JUST REACHING A PLACE THAT NOT MANY PEOPLE HAVE EVER GOTTEN TO. I AM LETTING IN FARTHER THAN THE PEOPLE THAT RAISED ME ARE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM TRYING AND ONE DAY I WON'T ACT LIKE I ACT NOW. I WILL GET BETTER AND NOT BE SO AFRAID IF LETTING YOU IN.

(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!)

THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.

Life happens.

Distance separates.

Children grow up.

Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes.

Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

Hearts break.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget favors

Careers end.

BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself,

the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,

praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on

your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk

beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,

daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,

Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended

family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and

neither would I. When we began this adventure called

womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or

sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we

would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

WEEK FROM HELL!!!!!!!

THIS WEEK IS THE WEEK FROM HELL. NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT AT WORK. IT IS A JOKE ANYMORE. I AM READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL AND FORGET ABOUT THIS PLACE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS WEEK I CAN TAKE. IF IT ISN'T ONE THING IT IS ANOTHER! I HAVE NO PATIENCE ANYWAY BUT NOW THAT IT IS CRAZY I REALLY HAVE NO PATIENCE. I DON'T WANNA TALK TO JOSH CAUSE I DON'T WANNA YELL AT HIM WHEN IT ISN'T HIS FAULT SO I AM JUST FIGURING IT OUT ALL ALONE. WHICH IS OK BY ME, IT JUST MEANS NO MORE STRESS. I REALLY CAN'T DEAL WITH ANY MORE THIS WEEK.

WELL MORE TIME HAS PASSED AND IT IS LOOKING LIKE JOSH STILL WANTS TO TRY AND MAKE THIS WORK. BUT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT MAYBE IT CAN'T BE FIXED AND PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. I KNOW JOSH HAS CHANGED AND I AM CHANGING SLOWLY BUT I AM CHANGING. I JUST NEED TO KEEP THINGS IN CHECK AND NOT TAKE MY ANGER OUT ON HIM WHEN HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. NOW IF DID SOMETHING THAT IS DIFFERENT, BUT I AM TRYING TO NOT TAKE THINGS OUT ON PEOPLE IF THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME TO MAKE ME MAD.

A VERY LONG WEEKEND

WELL I HAD A REALLY REALLY LONG WEEKEND. I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS. THINGS BETWEEN JOSH AND I ARE MORE CONFUSING FOR ME THAN EVER. ON SATURDAY HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT AND THEN YESTERDAY HE SAID HE WANTED TO WORK IT OUT. SO NOW I AM CONFUSED ON WHAT IS GOING ON. I AM GIVING HIM SPACE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO. AT THIS POINT IT IS UP TO HIM. I AM DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR ME AND NOT HIM. IF I STICKS AROUND I WILL HAVE CHANGED AND HE WILL SEE THAT. IF NOT THEN I WILL SURVIVE. I WILL HURT FOR AWHILE BUT I WILL BE OK. I KNOW I WILL BE OK IN THE END NO MATTER WHAT HE CHOOSES. I HAVE STARTED TO LEARN THAT I NEED TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY AND THAT SOME DAY I WILL ACTUALLY BE HAPPY. IT MAY NOT BE ANYTIME SOON BUT ONE DAY I WILL BE OK! I HOPE THAT MY FUTURE INCLUDES JOSH BUT IF IT ENDS UP NOT I WILL SURVIVE. AFTER PLACING MY DAUGHTER I THINK I CAN DO ANYTHING IF I JUST PUT MY MIND TO IT. I MAY NOT LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO DO BUT I CAN DO IT. IT IS WEIRD HOW YOU FORGET THINGS OVERTIME AND THEN WHEN YOU NEED IT THE MOST YOU REMEMBER. I REALLY HAD FORGOTTEN JUST HOW STRONG I CAN BE UNTIL THIS WEEKEND WHEN I NEEDED THE STRENGTH TO GET THROUGH. AT TIMES THIS WEEKEND I WAS READY TO JUST GIVE UP BUT I REALIZED HOW STRONG I WAS AT ONE POINT AND HAD TO FIND THAT STRENGTH AGAIN.

ANOTHER DAY...

WELL HERE IT IS ANOTHER DAY! NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON OR WHAT I AM FEELING ANYMORE. MAYBE THE BEST OPTION IS TO NOT FEEL AT ALL. WHO KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON. I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE WANTS DONE CAUSE WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT IT CAUSE HE WAS BUSY YESTERDAY. MAYBE WE WILL TALK AT SOME POINT THIS WEEKEND BUT I DON'T KNOW I AM NEVER SURE ANYMORE. BUT I HAVE TO WORK ON THAT. HE DOESN'T NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME ALL THE TIME. THERE IS A LOT I AM WORKING ON AND KNOW ONE DAY I WON'T STRUGGLE WITH CERTAIN THINGS ANYMORE. ALL I CAN DO IS WORK ON THINGS AND HOPE I SUCCEED AT THEM. I KNOW I CAN AND I WILL EVEN IF JOSH DOESN'T STAY AROUND TO SEE I WILL SUCCEED AND GET WHERE I NEED TO BE IN LIFE. I MAY END UP BEING SINGLE BUT THAT WILL BE OK. I WILL BE OK BEING SINGLE I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT AT ALL. I KNOW I CAN BE OK WITH OUT MEN. I HAVE NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT. MEN ARE FUN TO HAVE AROUND BUT IF JOSH AND I DON'T WORK I AM DONE WITH MEN. I WON'T PUT MY HEART ON THE LINE AGAIN. MAYBE THAT IS WRONG OF ME BUT THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF HURT LIKE THIS AGAIN. I HAVE ENOUGH WRONG WITH ME I DON'T ADDED STRESS OF MEN USING MY DISEASE AS A REASON TO IGNORE ME AND/OR BE SCARED OF ME. I DON'T GET WHAT THEY ARE SCARED OF BUT I GUESS THAT ISN'T MY PLACE TOO. I KNOW I ONLY WANNA BE WITH JOSH AND IF THIS DOESN'T WORK THEN I AM DONE WITH MEN. I DON'T KNOW THAT MEN WOULD MISS ME. AS I HAVE BEEN TOLD THEY THINK I AM A BITCH BECAUSE OF HOW I AM. I GUESS IT IS ME BEING SHY AND HOW MY FACE IS. I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE SO WHY EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. IT SEEMS LIKE TO MUCH OF A HASSLE TO ME.

SO I HOPE JOSH AND I WORK BUT IF NOT THEN I GUESS IT WILL BE SINGLE ME FOREVER!!!!!

UNSURE ABOUT WHAT TO DO

SO JOSH AND I AREN'T TALKING AND IT IS ABOUT THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. I REALLY MISS HIM BUT HE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS. I DON'T WANT HIM TO STAY WITH ME BECAUSE IT WILL HURT ME FOR HIM TO LEAVE. I WANT HIM TO STAY WITH ME BECAUSE HE LOVES AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I DON'T WANNA ANYONE TO STAY BECAUSE THEY FEEL BAD FOR ME. SO I THINK THIS WILL BE THE TELLING FACTOR IN WHAT WE DO. HOPEFULLY THIS TIME HAS GIVEN HIM TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS AND NOT WHAT I WANT. I THINK I KNOW HE WANTS TO LEAVE BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME HURT. SO I HOPE HE DECIDES WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM AND NOT MATTER WHAT I WANT. HE NEEDS TO DO WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN LIFE, AND NOT WORRY ABOUT OTHERS AND THEIR FEELINGS. I KNOW WHAT I WANT BUT IF DOESN'T WANT THE SAME THING NO NEED TO DRAG THIS OUT AND MAKE HIM MISERABLE. I WILL LET HIM GO CAUSE I LOVE HIM AND WANT THE BEST FOR HIM. HOPEFULLY WE WILL HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT SOON ENOUGH.

NEED TO LOVE MYSELF

I NEED TO LEARN TO LOVE ME BEFORE I CAN EXPECT ANYONE ELSE TO LOVE ME. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GO ABOUT THIS. IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS LET ME KNOW!!!!!

MISSING PEOPLE

IT IS WEIRD HOW ONE PERSON CAN DRIVE YOU SO CRAZY, AND WHEN THEY ARE GONE YOU MISS THEM MORE THAN EVER. I HAVE NEVER FELT THE SENSE OF LOSS THAT I FEEL NOW. I DIDN'T FEEL THIS WAY WHEN I PLACED BRITA FOR ADOPTION. I AM NOT SURE IF I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING, OR IF THE RIGHT THING IS TO GET ON MEDICATION MYSELF. I KNOW MEDICATION WOULD STABILIZE ME BUT WHO KNOWS IF HE WOULD WAIT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. I MEAN WHO WOULD WANT TO WAIT. I AM NOT NICE TO HIM AND YET HE KEEPS TRYING TO MAKE ME HAPPY. IF I WHERE HIM I WOULD HAVE WALKED A LONG TIME AGO. SO I WILL DO THE MEDICATION AND HOPE THAT WHEN I AM STABILIZED HE WILL STILL BE THERE WAITING. I REALLY CAN'T SEE MYSELF WITH OUT HIM AND I THINK MOST OF THE PROBLEMS ARE ME. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT REALLY KNOW ME YOU KNOW I AM A BIT BI-POLAR. WELL IT IS TIME TO EXCEPT THIS AND GET ON MEDICATION FOR IT SO I CAN SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

MAYBE. . .

WOW IT IS ONLY 9:30 IN THE MORNING AND IT HAS ALREADY BEEN AHORRIBLE DAY. I HAVE GIVEN UP ON ALOT ALREADY TODAY. IT AMAZES ME HOW IN SECONDS YOUR LIFE CAN CHANGE. I HAVE DECIDED I AM A NEGATIVE PERSON AND THAT I WILL NOT MAKE OTHERS DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE. I AM HERE IF SOMEONE NEEDS ME BUT I WON'T SEEK PEOPLE OUT.

MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS I NEED TO HEAL ME BEFORE I CANBE POSITIVE. BUT WHO KNOWS IF I EVER COULD BE HAPPY. MAYBE THE TRAMA OF MY PAST IS TO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. MAYBE HOW I AM IS IN MY DNA AND IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN THERE IS NO WAY FOR ME TO CHANGE IT. OR MAYBE I AM JUST BI-POLAR AND MEDICATION WILL HELP ME (BUT I WILL NOT TAKE THEM. SO THAT ISN'T AN OPTION). MAYBE ME BEING CRAZY IS THE REASON ALOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T STAND ME. MAYBE THIS IS WHY MY OWN FAMILY DOESN'T EVEN LIKE ME. THIS IS ALOT TO PONDER SO EARLY IN THE MORNING.

I WILL FINISH THIS POST LATER ON. . . NEED MORE TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY OWN THOUGHTS AND PUT THEM TOGETHER.

MRI'S SUCK

WELL YESTERDAY WAS THE DAY FOR THE MRI AND IT SUCKED. I WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ONE IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME DRUGS. IT HURTS MY BACK NOT BEING ABLE TO MOVE FOR HOURS. IT LITERALLY TOOK AT LEAST TWO HOURS. IT WAS A JOKE. EVER SINCE I HURT MY BACK I CAN'T LAY LIKE THAT FOR THAT LONG. SO WHEN I HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE I NEED TO BE SEDATED SO THAT IT DOESN'T HURT SO MUCH OR I JUST DON'T CARE LOL. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE. I AM STILL IN PAIN TODAY, BUT NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. IT IS JUST LIFE. I WOULD FEEL WEIRD AND WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I WENT A WHOLE DAY WITH OUT HURTING. SO MAYBE PAIN IS THE NATURAL PART OF LIFE. MAYBE I WILL ALWAYS BE IN PAIN. SO THERE IS NO REASON TO KEEP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. SO MY GOAL FOR THE NEXT LITTLE WHILE IS TO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS I CAN'T CHANGE. I ALSO AM NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT I CAN'T CHANGE OR TRY NOT TOO. I AM GOING TO GO WITH THE FLOW OF THINGS LOL.

EACH DAY THAT GOES BY I GET LESS AND LESS SCARED ABOUT THE NEW MEDICINE THAT I HOPE I GET TO TAKE. MY NEW THING IS WHAT IS LIFE WITH OUT TAKING RISKS. EVERYTHING WE DO IN LIFE IS ABOUT RISKS AND TAKING THEM. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT EVERYTHING WE DO IN LIFE IS ABOUT THE RISKS. EVERY DECISION WE MAKE IS TAKING A RISK OF SOME SORT. THERE IS NOTHING IN LIFE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A RISK TO GO WITH IT. NOW SOME RISKS ARE GREATER THAN OTHERS, BUT WHO AT SOME POINT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE A LIFE OR DEATH DECISION. IT WASN'T AN EASY DECISION BUT ONE THAT IF I DIDN'T MAKE IT I WOULD REGRET IT. SO I MADE THE BEST ONE FOR ME AND I HOPE THAT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHY I MADE THE DECISION THAT I DID. I DIDN'T DO IT TO HURT ANYONE JUST DID IT CAUSE I NEEDED TO KNOW AND SO THAT I DON'T LOOK BACK AND WONDER WHY AND BE MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT MAKING IT. SO WE WILL GIVE IT A SHOT AND TAKE WHAT LIFE HANDS ME AND DEAL WITH IT FROM THERE.

MRI DAY

WELL TODAY IS THE DAY OF THE MRI. I HOPE ALL GOES WELL IT SHOULD. I WON'T KNOW THE RESULTS UNTIL I HAVE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. AT THAT TIME SHE WILL DISSCUSS TREATMENT OPTIONS BUT I KNOW WHICH WAY AM LEANING SO THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

THIS WEEKEND WAS TOUGH BUT I GUESS I WILL HAVE ROUGH TIMES DEALING WITH LIFE. PART OR IS MY OWN FAULT FOR NOT LETTING PEOPLE IN TO MUCH. I HAVE STARTED TO JUST SMILE AND PRETEND THINGS ARE OK JUST SO THAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL. MY WHOLE LIFE IT HAS BEEN HARD TO LET PEOPLE IN TO HOW I AM FEELING. I THINK THAT CAME FROM CHILDHOOD. SO NOW IT IS EASIER TO NOT LET OTHERS IN THEN IT IS TO LET PEOPLE IN. IF YOU LET PEOPLE IN THEN THEY CAN HURT YOU! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT THAT I DON'T LET PEOPLE KNOW MUCH BECAUSE THE LESS THEY KNOW THE LESS THEY CAN HURT ME.

I ALSO HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM GOING TO WRITE MY DAD A LETTER AND ASK HIM WHY HE IS ACTING LIKE HE IS. I DECIDED THAT LAST NIGHT AFTER ARI TOLD ME THAT HE SENT HER STUFF FOR COLLEGE AND WANTINGHER TO VISIT ON CHRISTMAS. I WANT TO KNOW WHY SHE IS SO SPECIAL AND WHY HE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS OTHER KIDS. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM HE NEEDS TO REALIZED AND EXPLAIN WHAT HE DID TO ME AND SINCE HE WON'T I WILL ASK HIM. I DOUBT I WILL GET A RESPONSE BUT I HAVE TO DO IT SO I CAN CLOSE THAT CHAPTER, IF I DO BY CHANCE GET A RESPONSE I DON'T KNOW THAT I WILL READ IT. I DON'T KNOW THAT ANYTHING HE COULD OR WOULD SAY WOULD MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

MRI

WELL THE MRI IS GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER AND THE CLOSER IT GETS THE MORE NERVOUS I GET. I AM NOT SURE WHY I AM GETTING NERVOUS. IT ISN'T LIKE HAVEN'T HAD TONS OF THEM. BUT I THINK THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THE RESULTS ACTUALLY MATTER AND WILL ACTUALLY DETERMINE MY FUTURE. IT IS HARD TO ADMIT THAT IAM NERVOUS, BUT I THINK IF I WASN'T NERVOUS THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. SO AT LEAST I THINK I AM NORMAL FOR FEELING NERVOUS AND SOMEWHAT SCARED. MONDAY I BET I WILL POORING MYSELF INTO WORK SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THE IMPENDING TEST THAT IS COMING UP.

AFTER THE MRI THE NEXT BIG THING TO COME IS A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR TO SEE WHATSHE HAS TO SAY, AND TO SEE WHAT SHE RECCOMENDS THAT I DO. IF IT HAPPENS TO BE THE TYSABRI THEN WE HAVE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING ON THAT WITH THE INSURANCE AND HOPE THAT THEY APPROVE IT, AND THAT OUR COST IS DO ABLE. IT WILL MAKE ME SAD IF WE CAN'T MAKE WHATEVER WE WILL HAVE PAY TO WORK OUT. SO I AM SURE AFTER THE DOCTORS APPOINTMENT WE WILL BE IN A HOLDING PATTERN FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG. ALL WE ALLCAN HOPE IS THAT IT GOES QUICKLY SO THAT I DON'T GET ANY SICKER WAITING FOR THEM TO FIGURE OUT IF AND HOW MUCH THEY WILL PAY. I AM SURE THEY WILL PAY SOME OF IT BUT WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH. THE MORE THEY PAY THE BETTER IT IS FOR ME BECAUSE THE LESS I HAVE TO OAY THE LESS STRESS I WILL HAVE EVERY MONTH TRYING TO COME UP WITH IT.

ONE FLAW IN WOMEN

One Flaw In Women
(you will see what it is in the end)
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

LIFE. . .

I AM STARTING TO WONDER WHERE MY LIFE IS DESTINED TO GO. THIS NEW MEDICATION IS SCARY CAUSE IT COULD POSSIBLE END MY LIFE AND OR MAKE ME MORE DISABLED. SO NOW IS THE TIME IN LIFE I SIT AND THINK WHAT IS REALLY WORTH IT. A LOT THINGS I AM NOW SAYING ISN'T WORTH IT, AND OTHERS ARE VERY WORTH IT. I HAVE STARTED TO LOOK BACK AT LIFE AND WONDER WHY I DID SOMETHINGS AND WHY I DIDN'T DO OTHERS. FROM THI POINT ON I WILL NO LONGER LOOK BACK AT LIFE I WILL LOOK FORWARD AND ONLY FORWARD. THE PAST IS THE PAST AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE IT SO NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I WILL PICK UP ND MOVE ON AND TAKE LIFE AS IT COMES. NO MORE WORRYING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING FOR THAT MATTER. I AM TAKING MY LIFE INTO MY HANDS AND DOING ONLY WHAT I WANT.
THE ONLY THING I KNOW IS I AM GOING TO TAKE THE BIGGEST RISK OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW AND TAKE TYSABRI. I WOULD LOOK BACK IF I DIDN'T TAKE IT AND KICK MYSELF FOR BEING TO SCARED TO DO IT. SO IF IT IS DO ABLE I WILL DO IT. NO REGRETS NO WORRIES. OTHERS MAY WORRY BECAUSE OF THE RISKS, BUT THAT IS ON THEM. I WON'T WORRY. I WILL BE STRONG AND I WILL SURVIVE IT, AND IF I DO DIE THEN SO BE IT. AT LEAST I WON'T HURT ANYMORE AND WON'T HAVE TO SUFFER. PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO WORRY LIFE IS LIFE, AND WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN NO NEEDS TO BE SAD OR WORRY FOR ME. I AM OK AND WILL ALWAYS BE OK NO MATTER THE OUT COME.
PEOPLE IN MY LIFE NOW WILL BE OK WITH THIS, AND IF THEY ARENT THEN THAT IS THERE PROBLEM NOT MINE.

SICK

WELL YESTERDAYI THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! I WAS SO SICK AND I AM NOT WHAT CAUSED IT. I KNOW THAT THEY TOOK ALOT OF BLOOD BUT IT SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE ME THROW UP. SO WHO KNOWS. WITH MY BODY YOU MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT. BUT I DID GET SOMETHING FOR NAUSIA SO IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN I WILL BE PREPARD FOR IT. SO I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR AN MRI ON MODAY SO WE WILL SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY AND WHAT TREATMENT THEY THINK I SHOULD DO. I AM SUPRISED HOW FAST I GOT IN FOR THE MRI USUALLY IT TAKES WEEKS TO GET IN, BUT I ALSO AM GETTING SICK SO I NEEDED TO GET IN NOW AND SEE WHAT TREATMENTS THEY WANT TO GET ME ON. SO HOPEFULLY I WILL GET ON ONE THAT WILL WORK, AND I WON'T GET ANY SICKER. I KNOW I WON'T EVER GET BETTER BUT AT LEAST I CAN TRY AND STOP FROM GETTING WORSE.