Friends

Saying Goodbye. . .

Saying Goodbye

If you missed yesterday’s post, you would know that on the 29th of January I had to put down Alley Cat.  She has been sick for the past couple of years and if you want to know more about that you can click here to go and read that post.  I have to know for years that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, and I knew it would be hard, but I was in no way prepared for how hard it was.

Because of how people acted towards her at the end of her life I refused to let anyone else come with me.  It was just her and I and now knowing how it all would turn out I think I made the right choice.  They had to give her 3 or 4 shots because she pulled out her first IV, so it didn’t work.  Let’s just say that there was nothing humane about the process.

It was supposed to take a few minutes to work, and it took over 30 minutes to finally take effect.  I sit here now thinking about it all and I can’t help but smile because her whole life she had to fight to stay alive and she gave them a damn good fight at the end.  I wish it would have worked right away, but it wouldn’t have been Alley Cat if she gave in easy.  I know she was sick, and it was the right thing to do, but I feel like I failed her because there is no way that it was painless, and it wasn’t short like they claimed it would be.  I am now left wondering how much she felt and what her last moments were truly like.

The real reason I wanted to talk about this today is that it brought back so many of the emotions I felt when I placed my daughter for adoption, and I wasn’t prepared for that.  I have always said the Alley was my “replacement” baby so instead of getting pregnant shortly after placing my daughter for adoption I went and adopted Alley.  I feel like I just placed my daughter a few days ago, and that is one thing I never wanted to feel again.  It is hard to be brought back right to place I was at 10+ years ago because at this point I would have thought that there was no way I could feel these emotions as strongly as I did then and yet here we are.

In the end, I hope that I don’t have to feel like this for too long because it truly sucks.  I know I will survive this because if I could get through it the first time than I know for sure, I will get through it this time as well.  I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other one and keep going.  I know that it will pass, and I will have good days and bad days but in time, the good days will start to outnumber the bad days.  I will never forget her or my daughter but as time passes you do think of them less and less.

Alley Cat-Last Pic

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Asking For Help!?!?

Asking For Help

Today I am going to talk about asking for help and how I have a super hard time asking for help and I also have a hard time accepting help.  I am sure the reason for this is the fact that my grandma hardly ever asks for help.  I have found that I never ask for help.  I feel like I don’t even know how to ask and just thinking about asking for help make me nervous.

As for accepting help I find that I don’t really have people offer to help so I don’t know have much experience with this.  I do know that the few times someone has helped me I feel bad because I think I should be able to do everything myself and hate when I can’t do something.  I do ask for help at work because I am the first to admit that I don’t know it all and even if I did know it all there is no way I can do everything, even if people think that I should be able to.

I guess the hard part for me is I don’t really have anyone who is close enough to me that I would trust to ask.  I say this because I could use help at times with things that are personal and I also would never ask for help from people I don’t know and trust.  I am lucky that now the Multiple Sclerosis isn’t bad enough that I need tons of help.  I am really not sure what I will do when or if I ever get to the point where I have to ask because I am not sure I will be able to bring myself to be able to do it.

Those are my thoughts on asking for help and having people help me.  I need to figure out how to ask for help and how to accept help because I am sure I will need to in the future and right now I feel like I have no idea how to do either.

Do you have a hard time asking for help?  How do you combat it?

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Lonely

Lonely

I wrote a few months ago or so about my divorce being final and how it made me feel.  I said in that post that I am okay being single which is totally true but I also get lonely.  Now just because I get lonely doesn’t in anyway mean that I am not okay with being single.  In fact I would rather be lonely than be in a relationship.

I guess I need to explain what I mean when I say I am lonely.  I look at everyone in my life and they all have a significant other in their lives and I wonder from time to time if I am missing out.  These thoughts usually come at night when I should be sleeping.  Even though I get these thoughts from time to time I in no way have the desire or energy to try and find someone to date.

I don’t think it matters how happy you are being single you will still have days where you wish you had someone else in your life.  I also am lonely because I don’t have many friends in my life.  Now most of that has to do with me and what I have decided I want in my life.  I went through the people in my life last year and cut out the people who I knew needed to be out of my life.  I didn’t write about it here because I wasn’t ready and I am still not ready to talk about it.  I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready to talk about it and I also won’t put other people’s business out there on my blog.

Anyway this post was more for me to get thoughts out of my head than for anyone else.  I also have a post coming up this week about how I feel about dating and how I hard it is to meet people in this day and age.

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Respect

Respect

My brother had his gallbladder out on Sunday and I wanted to write about something here because I see a lack of it respect for choices that others make regarding their own bodies and/or lives.  I love people sharing information with me but I get tired of people trying to push their views on me and others.  Everyone makes different choices because everyone is different.

For example I know now my doctor doesn’t totally agree with some of my choices but she has left it up to me.  She tells me her opinions and what she would do if she was me.  I have seen a lot this going around and it upsets me because everyone makes choices based on their own lives and their own situations.

This doesn’t have to do with just health things but anything going on in people’s lives.  I have stopped sharing most things on Facebook because I get tired of people judging and/or trying to push their views on me and my other friends.  I came to realize while I was pregnant what it feels like to be judged and I try my hardest not to judge anyone.  I know that we all judge people on some level but I do my best to keep in check because I know how it felt to be judged and it is an horrible feeling.

I have friends in my life that I don’t agree with their choices but I do respect them and I also allow them to live their lives as they see fit.  There is no way that everyone in the world will agree with what you do or how you do it but people need respect their choices.

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