I placed my daughter for adoption in July of 2005. I attend a support group for unwed mothers that the agency I was going to had. Not everyone in the group was placing for adoption but I learned so much from the girls that have placed and listening to what worked and didn’t work for them. I figured that I would share some of the things that worked for me and things that may work for other birth parents.
Before I get into them I was researching some things on adoption and I found this article. While I reading through article I found this paragraph and I really liked what it said. I am going to post it here because I think it speaks volumes about how birth parents are looked at by people who don’t understand are choices. Here is the paragraph:
Now on to the ways I coped and ways that others have coped with the greif.
Journal-I wrote out why I placed her in a journal that I then gave to the adoptive mom to give to my daughter when they thought she was ready to read it.
Talk to other birth moms-It helped me tons to be able to talk to other girls who had been though it and could tell me that it would get better with time. I never thought the first year would end but each year it gets easier at least it has for me.
Take one day at at time-There are time where You are going to have to take it minute by minute but know that time will heal the pain. At first the pain is so raw that it is all you can think about but it does get easier I promise.
Build a support system-I helps to have people who know the whole story and whither or not they agree with your choice they will still stand behind you and listen to you talk. There will be times that just talking to someone and having them not try to answer but just listen helps so much. It makes such a difference to just get the thoughts out of you head and have someone not feel the need to try and make it better but just listen.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions-I know in the beginning I wanted to run from the emotions I was feeling and not feel anything but by doing that you are going to be making it harder in the long run. Allow yourself to feel and grieve.
Keep Scrapbooks and/or pictures around-If you were to walk into my room right now the only pictures I have up are the ones of her when she is older. In the beginning looking at the pictures made me feel better but after the first year and even know it is so hard for me to look at the pictures of her while we were in the hospital because I want the baby. I heard from one of the girls in the support group that her child became two different people in her head even though she knew they were the same. She like me wanted the baby and not the child that she is now.
If you need help ask-Don’t be too afraid to talk to a counselor if you are having a hard time deal with all of the emotions. I saw one quite awhile after I placed my daughter and that helped me so much.
When I think of more ways I am for sure going to post them and if you know of any other ways to cope please leave a comment so that I can add it to my next post.
I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption. This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another. If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.
Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick. I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter. I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me. My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.
I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester. After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy. I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in. They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.
In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story gets weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done. She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works. If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
It all started when I was 16 yearsold. I was working at McDonalds at thetime. An absolutely gorgeous guy walkedin, and I thought that I just had to know him. I had one of my co-workers deliver my pager number (this was beforeeveryone had a cell phone) to him and I figured that was probably going to bethe end of it. Well, to my surprise, hepaged me later that day. I was soexcited that a guy that looked that good could possibly be interested in plain littleold me. We started going out and I wasbeyond thrilled. He turned 20 not longafter we started dating. My mom wasn’treally thrilled with the idea of me dating someone that much older, but I,being a dumb teenager, thought it was great.
After a couple of weeks of someheavy duty dating, the moment came when we took things to the next level. We were both very stupid and not reallyconcerned about the consequences of our actions. That one time was all it took for me to getpregnant. I remember sitting in thebathroom staring at the test with its positive result. I was so scared. I immediately started crying. How could I have let this happen? I brought a phone into the bathroom and triedcalling Sperm-man (that is what he shall be known as, from now on). He didn’t answer, right away so I had tothink of what to do next. I eventuallywas able to get him on the phone, and told him the news. His reaction was one of surprise. We knew we had some serious talking todo. I knew that I needed to tell my mom,but I just couldn’t do it right away. The next morning, before I left for school, I asked my mom if she wascoming home right after work. She askedme why I needed to know. I said that Ihad something to tell her. Well, sheconvinced me to tell her then. Needlessto say, neither of us had a very good day. Then the time came for me to tell my dad. Talk about a scary situation. We called him that night, and of course hewas extremely disappointed. As far as hewas concerned, my only options were abortion or adoption. I, on the other hand, knew that my PrinceCharming (aka Sperm-man) and I were going to raise this baby together and livehappily ever after. Um….well, that isn’tquite how things worked out.
Sperm-man and I continued to seeeach other until I was about 4 months pregnant. He then decided to move on to one of the biggest floozies that the worldhas ever known. They moved to CAtogether, which is where he learned that she really wasn’t a good choice. I was still determined to raise this baby,with or without his help. I got a crib,changing table, bassinet, and other various items. I was going to make this work.
Then one morning, about a month orso before my due date, I woke up and thought about what a bad situation I wasgoing to be putting this baby in if I continued with my selfish thoughts aboutmotherhood. I was a junior in highschool, with a year and a half left before graduation. I was also working full-time at BaskinRobbins after school and on weekends. The only time I would get to see my baby was for the short time beforeschool, and after work. That wouldn’t befair at all. I also wasn’t exactlymaking the big bucks at my job, and babies sure aren’t cheap. I sat down and wrote a list of pros andcons. The cons outnumbered the pros. I loved this baby in my tummy far too much toput her into this less than desirable situation. She deserved more. She deserved a mommy AND daddy to loveher. She deserved to be raised where shewould never want for anything. She deservedto be treated like the princess that she was. She did not deserve to be raised by a babysitter so that her teenage momcould try to prove that she could make this work. I told my mom of my thoughts and what Ineeded to do. We contacted an adoptionagency that was referred to us by a friend. I met with a caseworker, and not long after, I got to look at some familyprofiles. I instantly fell in love withone family. They had already adopted alittle girl, so my baby was going to have a big sister! It all felt so right. There wasn’t a whole lot of time to waste, soa short while later, I got to meet with the prospective parents. The meeting went really well. I showed them my ultrasound video and we tookturns asking each other lots of questions. I decided that they were theright family for my baby, and tried to focus on the realization that this babywas not going to be just my little girl anymore.
My due date came and went and shestill hadn’t made her appearance. 6 dayslater, she decided it was time to enter the world. She was born mid-afternoon, but we didn’tcall the adoptive parents right away. Iknew that my time with her was limited, and I honestly wasn’t ready toshare. I spent every possible secondwith her and had her with me all night. We called them the next morning to let them know that she was finallyhere. They drove up to see her and weall hung out in my hospital room until the last possible second I could bethere. We didn’t actually leave the roomuntil just before midnight. I got tohold her in the wheelchair as we exited the hospital. Handing her over to them was so unbelievablyhard, but absolutely necessary. I knewshe was going where she belonged and that I was doing what was best forher. My feelings needed to be set asideto ensure she got what she deserved. Iwent back to school 2 weeks later. Idecided to make the most of this decision, and I spoke, for the next few years,to sex-education classes, both junior high and high school, about the consequencesof unprotected sex. Talking was helpful,but at the same time difficult, because I was the only one there who had placeda baby for adoption. The other teensthat were talking had all kept their babies. Again, my feelings needed to be set aside so that I could maybe makesomeone think twice before making the same mistake I did.
The arrangement that I had with the adoptiveparents was for visits several times a year as well as pictures andletters. Well, unfortunately, that waspretty short-lived. I don’t want to sayanything negative about the situation, so I’ll skip over a lot of things. Basically, promises weren’t kept and I had nocontact at all with them from the time she was 4 until this past December, whenI found her on facebook. She is now15. I haven’t actually hugged her sinceshe was 2. I still haven’t had anyactual contact with her, but I have written (via facebook) to her adoptivemother, and have talked to her on the phone once. Things weren’t going smoothly initially, butwe are now on good terms, and I have a way to contact her, which is more than I’vehad in 11 years. I even have pictures ofher now! My firstborn baby girl is absolutely beautiful! She is doing better than I could have ever hopedfor. She is extremely well adjusted, andeven brags about being adopted! I can’twait until the day when I can finally hug her again!!
I havesince gotten married and had 2 kiddos that I get to be a mother to, andwho really hope to someday meet their big sister. Being a mother, when you’re ready, is thebest thing in the world! I now have ahusband that accepts me, drama and all, kids who think I’m the best mommy inthe world (not that they have anything to compare to), and the peace in knowingthat I made the absolute best decision for my first daughter. The years that passed where I didn’t knowanything about her were beyond excruciating. I was always worried and wondering if she was okay. I couldn’t understand why I was pushedaside. Now that I know that she hasn’tsuffered at all and is doing amazingly well, I am at peace.
All I can say is that this story is it broke me heart! I hate when people treat children like they are pawns. I also get pissed off when people say they don’t want a their child then all of the sudden change their minds. Read this story and leave her some love in the comments! I will forward her any comments that she recieves.
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I was connected with J through a surrogacy company I volunteered/worked for. I had been helping S with her business for a little while, and had wanted to be a surrogate for a long time, so it seemed perfect. The process was very simple. J was from China but living in the states. S and I met J and set everything up almost immediately. Though J said he was single, I knew he was gay and that was okay with me. I just wanted to help him become a father. He wanted a child more than anything.
I got pregnant right away and had a very early miscarriage. Though my doctor suggested waiting a few weeks, J and S were both very impatient and talked me into doing insems again right away. I got pregnant with Ling. Things were great, I love being pregnant and knowing I could help someone out just made me feel amazing. I talked to J every day on the phone, and S a few times a week. We all kept in touch via text, phone, and email and had a great relationship. J came out to my 6 week appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. He was just beside himself. I knew he was going to be a great dad.
At my 20 week ultrasound, I had to wait until after I was out of the hospital to use my phone because it had no service inside the building. I literally ran outside to call him. I was so excited!! He was having a healthy baby girl. I told the ultrasound tech my story and she gave me twice as many pictures! When I called J, I said “IT’S A GIRL!! A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!”. He told me he was busy and he would have to call me back, and then he hung up before what he said could even register…
I never got a call back from him. When I called him, he would hit ignore. He stopped responding to my texts. He had joked that he wanted a boy, but I just knew he would be happy with a girl. Well, I was wrong. To make a long story as short as possible, J did not want a girl. More specifically, his family back in China would disown him if he had a girl. I obviously found this out late in the process, but I figured they’d get over it if they saw the ultrasound pictures. So I scanned them in and emailed them to him, congratulating him yet again.
When it had been a week with no contact, I contacted S to find out what in the world was going on. She told me she had been in contact with J and he didn’t want the baby.
He didn’t want his baby.
Now, to back track a bit, I used my eggs and his sperm to conceive this pregnancy. So the baby was biologically mine, but I was a hired surrogate so she was not “mine” to keep. It was a long process but he ended up calling and talking to me and telling me to keep “it”. He never ever referred to her as “her”. Ever. He always said “it”. He said he would pay me the rest of what he owed me, per the surrogacy agreement, and I could keep it (Ling).
I was a single mom of 3 little girls at the time, and was in no position to take on a fourth. Plus, I hadn’t even considered her my little girl up until this point. I talked to my mom and we came up with a plan: she was struggling as well so she said we could move in together and help each other out. We did just that. I started getting prepared to bring Ling home. I explained to my daughters that Ling was in fact their sister and we might be bringing her home with us. I always said might, and rarely mentioned it, because I didn’t want to confuse them and nothing was set in stone.
When I was about 7 months along, I was contacted by J’s lawyer. I was told that he wanted the baby. I of course said no way, but legally I was bound by our contract. He could get out of it (he had stopped paying me my compensation at this point), but I couldn’t. All along, S was on his side with everything. She said if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn’t getting any compensation. I told her that was fine… and like I said, just kept getting ready to bring Ling home. There was a lot of work to do and a little time to do it.
I got a lawyer at this point because J’s lawyer wouldn’t leave me alone. It was hard to find a lawyer with no money and a surrogacy case in my state (there are no laws on surrogacy here and only two lawyers in the state that will touch it). The lawyer I got was an angel, an amazing woman. She didn’t charge me a thing, and helped me every step of the way.
However, because of my state’s laws, I had to relinquish Ling. The choices were send her to J, or find an adoptive family for her. I looked at adoptive family profiles and settled on one – a single woman from New York. This woman lit up in all of her pictures. When I laid eyes on her, I knew she was meant to be Ling’s mom. As hard as it was, I knew that’s how it had to be. I contacted this woman right away and we met, went shopping, and just felt like best friends. We emailed a few times a day, and just got to know each other as quickly as possible.
She flew in from her home state when I was in labor, and was in the delivery room. It was a magical experience for her.
After Ling was born, I didn’t want to let her go. It was the hardest feeling in the world to explain. I knew she wasn’t meant to be mine, but I had carried her for 9 months… I had a nursery for her at home… it was like my baby was being stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Ling’s mom stayed in the hospital in another room, and Ling slept in there with her. I got to hold her for a few hours before it was time to leave. I wasn’t even in the hospital for 24 hours after I had her. I wanted to get out of there and go crawl in a hole and hide, but I had 3 little girls counting on me so I couldn’t do that. I held Ling, took pictures (wish I would’ve taken more), and took a few videos. My girls got to hold her, and that was that… my mom took them out to the car and I had to hand Ling over to her mom. I truly thought I was going to die of a broken heart at that point. I nearly passed out, couldn’t breathe because I was crying so hard when I watched her walk away with my baby.
My baby.
She just walked away and there was nothing I could do about it. They made me sit in a wheel chair and calm down for a little while, and then a nurse walked me to my car. I don’t remember much after that… it’s all a blur really. We went to court the next day so I could relinquish my rights. I had to sit up on the stand and tell the judge that I realized I was “voluntarily” (yeah right) terminating my rights and it could not be undone. Oh god… what I’d do to take those words back. There was nothing I could do. If I wouldn’t have said those words, I just would’ve been in court with J. I didn’t want him to end up with her, and he most likely would have. So I did what I had to do for Ling, and I gave her to her adoptive mother. I always look back and wish I could change it but the truth is, my life is great right now and so is hers. It’s a shame we can’t spend it together but that’s the hand we were dealt. I just hope she understands when she is older, and knows it wasn’t a choice I ever would have made willingly.
I was barely 18 in 1975 when I gave up my son. I live in Alberta, Canada and at the time the Alberta Government looked after adoptions. I came from a supportive family and my parents said they would stick by me and my decision. I knew from early on in my pregnancy that I would give up my son for adoption. The father of my son was not in the picture. I wanted him to have every chance with 2 parents. In 2004, the Alberta Government opened up all adoption records. Unfortunately there was quite a backlog and only 2 people assigned to work on this large task. I was already on the registry but called to get an application. It took a long time and I had heard nothing. I called in March or April only to find out I hadn’t filled out the papers correctly. The papers were sent back to me to fill in again. After filling out the forms again, I resent them. I waited and waited and by August I went to my member of parliament to get some help.
By September 26, 2005, my son’s 30th birthday they arrived in the mail. I was overwhelmed at seeing for the first time, my son’s name was Steven. I didn’t know what to do so I called my older sister and she told me to search for phone numbers and start calling. I found names on the computer in Canada 411 (a telephone white pages on line) I only made four calls and the fourth call was to Steven’s aunt. She didn’t let on that she was related and wished me luck on my quest. She called her brother (Steve’s Dad as she had call display) and he called Steve and Steve called me. I asked him if it was his birthday and he said yes. I told him who I was and asked him if he had a good life. He said he had and asked me the same. I have had a great life and better now that I found you. I told him I always knew we would meet someday and I was thrilled. I had moved to Calgary which is 180 miles south of Edmonton, where he was born, in Jan 1979. It turns out Steve family moved to Calgary that same year. We lived close by each other for a few years. Steve only worked a couple of blocks from my work. I met his parents and adopted sister as well. We all went to dinner. My son Tony and I were invited to his wedding and his mom introduced us to her 12 siblings. It was very emotional. I told Steve’s Dad that I couldn’t have made a better choice for parents. He said that the children never once gave them any trouble. Steve has been married now for 2 years and they are expecting their first child. Unfortunately his Dad passed away 6 months after the wedding. We now look forward to the birth. I am blessed!
I was a mother of 2 children, I was single. I was working and living in a small apt that rented for 150.00 a month. I was behind on the rent. My daughter was 8 years old, my son was 2. I had lived with my grandparents on and off since I had my daughter. I was 17 when she was born. I was trying desperately to live on my own. I had no help from the father of my children. I remember going to the United Way office to get a free pregnancy test. The lady told me to come back after lunch to get the results. I made my way over to the office in a daze, fearful of the results. Surely it would be negative, surely. My son played on the floor and the world collapsed around me. I felt like a giant weight was pulling me to the bottom of the ocean. I cried uncontrollably for the next hour. I managed to leave the office and drive to my grandparents’ house, where my daughter was. I was numb. I stayed numb for some time. When I was in my 5th month, my grandmother who I had not told about my pregnancy passed away. I was at her home, and she reached up to fix her pillow and she died. I started CPR and called 911. She was gone. This was very hard on me. I mention this because it intensified my stress. I had never felt so alone and afraid. My daughter was very attached to her great grandma. My mom was not really in my life at this point. I had been depending on my grandparents like my parents for years. They helped me feed my children and keep a roof over their head. I had moved out because I wanted so bad to be on my own. I didn’t want to have to tell them I was having another child. I told my dad at the funeral. My mom had given a child up for adoption in 1963. It was a different world then, she had to go to a unwed mothers home, her daughter had to be in a orphanage until she was adopted months later. I was around 7 and ½ months when I started thinking about adoption. The birth father had started seeing someone else and he was coming around less often. I was struggling to feed myself and my children. My grandfather was lost in grief, he could function hardly.I couldn’t depend on him any longer. I lost both my grandparents when my grandmother died. I remember crying a lot, being very depressed. I was broke all the time. I started looking in the paper at those ads, “nice couple wants to give your baby a home” I prayed about it, I talked to my friends about it. I called my mom. I asked her what she thought. I talked to my sister who had been adopted out in 1963; mom and “Sidney” had found each other in 1991. My older sister, Sidney (her birth name) helped me find 3 couples, in various parts of the country. I prayed about this decision a lot. I felt peace, that I was doing the right thing. The couple I chose was from Tx. They lived in Indiana for job reasons. They had been married for 14 years. I met the lady and her mother. I didn’t want them to see where I lived so we met at a restaurant. They were wonderful people I felt. They called me and asked about me regularly. My sister called when it was time for me to deliver. It was the only cesarean I ever had to have; it was like my body didn’t want to give the baby up. It was an emergency operation. I was very scared. The new parents were there with me and very supportive. The entire baby’s new family was on hand at his birth, grandparents and aunts and uncles. I felt like this baby was going to a warm loving family. I held him a couple of times just to hold him. I felt so empty and hollow. I was a shell. I managed to get out of the hospital quickly as possible. I kept hoping that the birth father would come to the hospital and tell me he would be there for me. He didn’t. I had to have a counselor talk to me before I could sign. I did, I cried some more. The counselor told me something that helped me many days in the coming years. She said “you’re doing the right thing, you’re going to be ok, and you’re very unselfish.” I knew that the baby was going to have a much better life with his new family. I knew my children would have a better chance without another child to share what little we had with.I felt like I would be the only one to hurt. I could do that for my baby and my children. I loved them all so much. I drove to the hospital parking lot and I looked up at the windows, I cried all night. I signed the papers the next day. The parents always told him he was adopted and told him about me. I got pictures at birthdays and Christmas. One day when he was around 13 I got to talk to him on the phone. I can’t tell you how sweet his voice sounded. I was so happy. When he was 18 he called me the day after his birthday. He asked me if he could come live with me. I said YES!!! I never even thought about why or what or anything. He came home 18 years later. This was in 2009. He doesn’t live with me anymore but he lives within 20 min of me. I see him a lot. We have family dinners. He is a part of our family; he is trying to adjust to having a brother and sister. He has 2 nieces and a nephew.
I get to be around all my children. Matthew has the best of 2 worlds and 2 moms who love him very much.
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