Lots Of Thoughts

Lots Of Thoughts

I was going to write something for the writers workshop but instead of doing that I am just going to write some of the thoughts that I have had over the past little while so that I can get them out of my head.  I am sure they won’t make much sense but I will try to explain a bit about what and why I am thinking them.  Anyway I am just going to make a list of them so you can just skim them if you want to.

  • The main thing that has been on my mind for the past few months is how both of my parents can write off their own children & families.  I have seen that I can do the same thing but I don’t think I could do this to my daughter when she grows up and wants to meet me.  I will never truly understand how they can and how I can just turning feelings off for a person and never look back.  I do think of people again but not enough to make me seek them out.  I just keep on going on and while I kind of understand that with friends I have no idea how a parent can just stop caring about their child.
  • The next thing that has been on my mind is why people still lie because let me be honest like the quote I posted on Monday people can’t remember all lies they tell so they always get caught.   My dad told a few lies about me last year or the year before and since I found that out I have no need to have him in my life.  I am sure he will end up alone and sad because he just can’t seem to tell the truth and he hasn’t figured out that he always get caught when he lies.  There have been more lies told by him than I could ever list so now I just assume everything he says is a lie.
  • I have wondered if two people can be so connected that without having talk to each other for 3 plus years that you still know when they are struggling and when they need you or someone to lean on.

Those are the three things that I have been on my mind for that past few months and I hope now that I have written them down that maybe I can stop thinking about them as much.

What has been on your mind?

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One Year Later

I can’t believe that is has been a year since Melissa passed away.  Today is the day that she official died and to be honest it is still as raw as it was a year ago.  I have tried to write this post for weeks and since I can’t seem to write it I am going to leave links to where you can read some of her writing.

Here is a post where people wrote some memories of her and I post it on my blog.  Also she was a regular guest poster on my blog and you can see those post here or here.  Also here is her obituary if anyone wants to read it or see it.

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Sadie’s Story

All I can say is that this story is it broke me heart!  I hate when people treat children like they are pawns.  I also get pissed off when people say they don’t want a their child then all of the sudden change their minds.  Read this story and leave her some love in the comments!  I will forward her any comments that she recieves.
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I was connected with J through a surrogacy company I volunteered/worked for. I had been helping S with her business for a little while, and had wanted to be a surrogate for a long time, so it seemed perfect. The process was very simple. J was from China but living in the states. S and I met J and set everything up almost immediately. Though J said he was single, I knew he was gay and that was okay with me. I just wanted to help him become a father. He wanted a child more than anything.

I got pregnant right away and had a very early miscarriage. Though my doctor suggested waiting a few weeks, J and S were both very impatient and talked me into doing insems again right away. I got pregnant with Ling. Things were great, I love being pregnant and knowing I could help someone out just made me feel amazing. I talked to J every day on the phone, and S a few times a week. We all kept in touch via text, phone, and email and had a great relationship. J came out to my 6 week appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. He was just beside himself. I knew he was going to be a great dad.

At my 20 week ultrasound, I had to wait until after I was out of the hospital to use my phone because it had no service inside the building. I literally ran outside to call him. I was so excited!! He was having a healthy baby girl. I told the ultrasound tech my story and she gave me twice as many pictures! When I called J, I said “IT’S A GIRL!! A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!”. He told me he was busy and he would have to call me back, and then he hung up before what he said could even register…

I never got a call back from him. When I called him, he would hit ignore. He stopped responding to my texts. He had joked that he wanted a boy, but I just knew he would be happy with a girl. Well, I was wrong. To make a long story as short as possible, J did not want a girl. More specifically, his family back in China would disown him if he had a girl. I obviously found this out late in the process, but I figured they’d get over it if they saw the ultrasound pictures. So I scanned them in and emailed them to him, congratulating him yet again.

When it had been a week with no contact, I contacted S to find out what in the world was going on. She told me she had been in contact with J and he didn’t want the baby.

He didn’t want his baby.

Now, to back track a bit, I used my eggs and his sperm to conceive this pregnancy. So the baby was biologically mine, but I was a hired surrogate so she was not “mine” to keep. It was a long process but he ended up calling and talking to me and telling me to keep “it”. He never ever referred to her as “her”. Ever. He always said “it”. He said he would pay me the rest of what he owed me, per the surrogacy agreement, and I could keep it (Ling).

I was a single mom of 3 little girls at the time, and was in no position to take on a fourth. Plus, I hadn’t even considered her my little girl up until this point. I talked to my mom and we came up with a plan: she was struggling as well so she said we could move in together and help each other out. We did just that. I started getting prepared to bring Ling home. I explained to my daughters that Ling was in fact their sister and we might be bringing her home with us. I always said might, and rarely mentioned it, because I didn’t want to confuse them and nothing was set in stone.

When I was about 7 months along, I was contacted by J’s lawyer. I was told that he wanted the baby. I of course said no way, but legally I was bound by our contract. He could get out of it (he had stopped paying me my compensation at this point), but I couldn’t. All along, S was on his side with everything. She said if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn’t getting any compensation. I told her that was fine… and like I said, just kept getting ready to bring Ling home. There was a lot of work to do and a little time to do it.

I got a lawyer at this point because J’s lawyer wouldn’t leave me alone. It was hard to find a lawyer with no money and a surrogacy case in my state (there are no laws on surrogacy here and only two lawyers in the state that will touch it). The lawyer I got was an angel, an amazing woman. She didn’t charge me a thing, and helped me every step of the way.

However, because of my state’s laws, I had to relinquish Ling. The choices were send her to J, or find an adoptive family for her. I looked at adoptive family profiles and settled on one – a single woman from New York. This woman lit up in all of her pictures. When I laid eyes on her, I knew she was meant to be Ling’s mom. As hard as it was, I knew that’s how it had to be. I contacted this woman right away and we met, went shopping, and just felt like best friends. We emailed a few times a day, and just got to know each other as quickly as possible.

She flew in from her home state when I was in labor, and was in the delivery room. It was a magical experience for her.

After Ling was born, I didn’t want to let her go. It was the hardest feeling in the world to explain. I knew she wasn’t meant to be mine, but I had carried her for 9 months… I had a nursery for her at home… it was like my baby was being stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Ling’s mom stayed in the hospital in another room, and Ling slept in there with her. I got to hold her for a few hours before it was time to leave. I wasn’t even in the hospital for 24 hours after I had her. I wanted to get out of there and go crawl in a hole and hide, but I had 3 little girls counting on me so I couldn’t do that. I held Ling, took pictures (wish I would’ve taken more), and took a few videos. My girls got to hold her, and that was that… my mom took them out to the car and I had to hand Ling over to her mom. I truly thought I was going to die of a broken heart at that point. I nearly passed out, couldn’t breathe because I was crying so hard when I watched her walk away with my baby.

My baby.

She just walked away and there was nothing I could do about it. They made me sit in a wheel chair and calm down for a little while, and then a nurse walked me to my car. I don’t remember much after that… it’s all a blur really. We went to court the next day so I could relinquish my rights. I had to sit up on the stand and tell the judge that I realized I was “voluntarily” (yeah right) terminating my rights and it could not be undone. Oh god… what I’d do to take those words back. There was nothing I could do. If I wouldn’t have said those words, I just would’ve been in court with J. I didn’t want him to end up with her, and he most likely would have. So I did what I had to do for Ling, and I gave her to her adoptive mother. I always look back and wish I could change it but the truth is, my life is great right now and so is hers. It’s a shame we can’t spend it together but that’s the hand we were dealt. I just hope she understands when she is older, and knows it wasn’t a choice I ever would have made willingly.

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