BRITA

Friday I had my infusion and lets just say that for the first time since I have been doing them I had to get poked twice.  She kept digging with the first needle until I told her I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer.  There is nothing that hurts more than a nurse fishing around in your arm trying to get a vein that she has missed but doesn’t want to re-due it and get it right.  After about 3 or 4 minutes digging around I finally said that’s enough.  I can’t take the pain anymore.  She then poked me again a little higher up on the vein and got it in the first time.  Now where I was poked at hurts and I got a battle wound (bruise).

I also got an email from my daughters adoptive family.  It totally made my Friday.  They told me about her and also enclosed two pictures for me.  I am not going to post them but if you would like to see them let me know and I will email them to you.  I can’t believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like my little brother.  She is short like I am but has the coloring of my little brother.  They said that she is all girl and is really good in school.  I was so glad to hear from them and happy that she is doing good.  It will be six years in July since I had her and placed her for adoption.  I know I made the right choice when I look at her pictures and see how happy she is.

I didn’t do that well this week when it comes to not eating.  I tried my best but lets just say that this week wasn’t the best.  I also haven’t done well on my diet but I am going to try and go walking tomorrow even though I will have to go by myself.  I really just need to charge my Ipod and go for a walk every night.  I need to lose the weight and I also need to get in shape for our trip to Yellowstone this summer.

That is all I have for today.  I still have a few spots left for designs so let me know if you are interested in getting a free design!

New Design

As you can tell I have redone my design again.  That is the bad thing about learning how to design my own blogs.  Now I can change it up as often as I want to.  This design is super bright and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I may end up changing some of the colors up tonight so that isn’t so bright but who knows.  Those that know me know that it will change soon enough because I get bored easily.  If you have any ideas on a theme I should do next let me know.  I am always looking for new themes and new graphics to use.

I wrote a letter to the lady that adopted my daughter on Friday.  My curiosity got the best of me and I am curious as to what she is like now and what she looks like.  Since I sent the email I find myself checking my emails all the time.  I hope they write back but I have to wonder if they will write back or if they will just ignore it and pretend that they never received the email.  I wonder how people who placed their kids for adoption when things were so closed how they managed and dealt with it.  If it was still closed like that I don’t know that I could have place my daughter.  I am so thankful that things are more open with most adoptions anymore.  I also know that they don’t have to talk to me anymore.  I hope I hear from them but I will understand if they don’t write me back.  I made me decision when she was bored and now the rest of the choices are made by them and her when she gets older.

I am still looking for people who are in need of a blog design.  If you know of someone or would like one yourself let me know.   I am going to be hosting a giveaway for a free design as well.  Right now I can only design blogs that are hosted by Blogger but if you know someone who uses wordpress or any other host let me know and I can get their information to the lady that taught me all I know.

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Mom . . .

I have been thinking a lot about my own daughter and it has made me think about my own mom.  I have to wonder how my mom can treat me like she does.  I know I could never do what she is doing to me to Brita.  I can’t wrap my head around a mother not caring about her kids.  I understood about her not looking for me but since I have found her she wants nothing to do with us.  I thought mothers loved their children and would want a relationship with them.  I don’t understand how she can just turn off her love for me and my brother.  How do could she just walk away when I was 8 and never come back?  Its like she has just forgotten about us and is able to pretend we don’t exist. 

When I called her on this stuff she told me I didn’t have to mean!?!?!?  Funny thing about it is that I wasn’t mean to her I was just being honest with her and telling her how I feel.  As I read through my email I guess I can see how she thought I was being rude but in the end all I was doing is saying how I felt and she didn’t understand that. As I read through her response back to me it seemed like a whole bunch of excuses.  She is always blaming it on everyone but herself.  What sucks is the fact that since she sent that last email I haven’t heard from her once. I was going to included the actual emails but now that I am thinking about it I have decided that I am going to take them out only because I am hurt and I might regret putting them in the post one day.  I know this post has rambled and probably talked about the same things over and over again but like I always say “This is my blog take it or leave it!”. 

For all you parents out their how do you forget you have 2 children????

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A Rough Time

This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

Pour Your Heart Out

I am writing this post for Shells Pour Your Heart Out.  I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 5.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.  When I go to the stores and see the baby clothes it makes me sad because in my head she is still that little.  I have shared my story on here before so I am not going to write about that again instead I think I am going to write a letter to her.  All I ask if you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut. 

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 5 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret