NES Check In

It has been a few weeks since I have done an update on my eating disorder.  For the most part i have done okay.  For some reason though Saturday nights are super bad for me.  I always end up eating all night long.  It is better than when I used to do it all night long every night but it is still frustrating that I can’t stop doing it.  I hope in time that I will be able to beat this disease. 

I was going to update how my weight loss is going but I can tell you that I haven’t done well with my diet and losing weight these past few weeks.  I am going to start either walking at night or doing a work out dvd each night.  I am think since it is nice out there most night that I am going to either go walk on the river like I used to or I am going to walk the route I used to walk in the neighborhood. 

That is all I have for today!  I hope everyone has had a great Easter!

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NES & Weight Check In

Well I am another week down and I have done really well this week when it comes to not eating all night long.  I am writing this on Saturday and Saturday nights are usually the bad nights but I am going to try and take a sleeping pill and go to bed so that I am not up all night eating.  I am coming far from where I used to be with this and I know I am getting passed it.

I have decided that I am going to start doing updates as I try and loss weight.  Here is a picture of what the scale said when I was got on it this morning.  I am going to use this as my starting weight.

If you can’t see it is says 184.  I am trying to get to about 135 or so.  I know this is going to be a long road but I can and will do it.  I am doing the Slim Fast diet for the most part.  I am drinking the shakes and not eating much crap anymore.   I still have my days where I eat like crap but for the most part I am doing really well.

Until next week!  Hope you have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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NES Check In

I have had a really rough week but I did really well up until Saturday night.  I only ate one other at night this week so for me that means it has been a great week!  the new antidepressant is working so that is a great thing and helps me know I can and will beat this disease.  I started the whole Slim Fast diet so I am hoping that it will help me lose the weight I put on while I was on my old antidepressant.  The new antidepressant has made me not want to eat so it is easier to be on a diet while I am taking it.  That’s all of it for this week!  I hope everyone has a great week!!! 
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NES Check In

It has been a few weeks since I have written a post about my fight trying to get over NES.  I haven’t been doing well at all with it.  I haven’t really been trying to hard because I am trying to get through the withdrawals symptoms that I am having since I have stopped Lexapro and started taking Zoloft.   I didn’t really keep track of the days that I didn’t eat but I did really bad last night.  I have been struggling with a few things lately and I think that is why I have been struggling with eating at night.  I am really struggling with being single right now.  I have really started to miss a few guys from my past but I know that they are there for a reason. 

All I all it has been a rough few weeks but I am going to start working hard on it again and I hope that I will do better this week.

A Rough Time

This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

NES Check In

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Well another week has past and I don’t know how I feel about the past week.  I ate about 3 or 4 times which is better than it has been but it bugs me that I can’t just stop eating at night.  On Friday night I had a panic attack because I refused to get up and eat.  I just paced in my room freaking out.  I was so frustrated because I feeling like only because  my body thinks it needs to eat in the middle of the night when I don’t really need to.  Last night I didn’t fight it.  I just ate because I didn’t want to fight with my brain.

I am hoping to get into the doctors this Friday and see what they can put me on or who they can recommend for me to go talk with.  I know I can fight this but there are days when it is just easier to eat then fight with my head!  That is all for now!  I hope everyone has had a great week!  Stay strong!

NES

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I am going to start writing each week about my struggle with my eating disorder.  My reason for doing this is to maybe help someone some where.  If you missed the post I wrote about it last week you can check it out here.  I am going to post a post like this every Sunday so people can come along with me in the journey to heal from my eating disorder.

Since I have posted the first post on Wednesday I have gone both Friday night and Saturday night with out eating the middle of the night.  So I have got two days under my belt but I know I will have bad days.  

I hope everyone has a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!