8 Years Ago Today. . .

8 Years Ago

As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years.  This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital.  I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.

I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me.  I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something.  So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.

 While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”.  All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.

I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well.  I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers.  I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers.  I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.

After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us.  I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me.  I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying.  My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried.  At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.

Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it.  That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me.  The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again.  That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2013 Margaret Margaret

The Choice By Robert Whitlow

the choice by robert whitlow

About “The Choice” By Robert Whitlow

One young woman. Two very different roads. The choice will change everything.

Even as a pregnant, unwed teen in 1974, Sandy Lincoln wanted to do the right thing. But when an ageless woman approached her in a convenience store with a mysterious prophecy and a warning, doing the right thing became even more unclear. She made the best choice she could . . . and has lived with the consequences.

More than thirty years later, a pregnant teen has come into her life, and Sandy’s long-ago decision has come back to haunt her. The stakes rise quickly, leaving Sandy with split seconds to choose once more. But will her choice decision bring life . . . or death?

My Review

I really enjoyed this book.  When Sandy was going through her pregnancy I totally related to how she felt and how hard what she was going to be going through.  I also know how she felt when she didn’t want to see her babies after they were born because I too felt like that when I had my daughter.  I decided to see here when I was alone in the middle of the night which is what worked out best for me.

Anyway there are parts in this book that I didn’t like or don’t understand like how she could separate the boys but I saw her logic I just didn’t like the choice.  The author did a great job of getting all the emotions right when I came to Sandy placing the babies and the emotions leading up to that point.

I think that this is a good book and people who know about adoption would like it.  I am sure there are parts that some people in the adoption community wouldn’t like but all in all it is a good book and one that I am glad that I read.

FTC: I received a free copy of “The Choice” by Robert Whitlow in exchange for my review.  The opinions expressed in this review are 100% my own.

 

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2012 Margaret Margaret

Letter To Brita

This post was originally posted last year during National Adoption Month.  I have updated it and I feel that this can still help other birth mom’s out there.

I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 6.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.

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Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 6 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

My Adoption Story Part One

I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption.  This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.

I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University.  I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing.  I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another.  If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.

Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick.  I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter.   I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me.  My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.

I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester.  After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy.  I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in.  They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.

In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt.  The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought.  This is where the story gets weird to say the least.  Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them.  One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out.  I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.  She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works.  If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.

In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18.  Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those.  After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.

After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them.  Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well.  I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that  she needed to try everything that she could to make it work.  After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.

This was such a relief for me.  After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them.  While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant.  I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.

Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own.  I was in labor for about 12 hours or so.  When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born.  They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.

Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita.  There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy??  Did I do the right thing????  Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption????  I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Margaret Margaret

I Wish Mine Was Happy

Some of you may know that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby.  I am so excited for her and happy that she is finally getting the family she has wanted for so long so please don’t take this post the wrong way.  When I see how happy she is I wish I could have felt that happiness when I was pregnant.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew that she wasn’t meant for me and that I was going to place her for adoption.  I never got to be excited that I was pregnant.  I see women that are so excited and I wish that my pregnancy could have been like that.  I was so sad the whole time because I knew what the end out come as going to be.  It is hard to explain what it is like being pregnant and knowing that after you give birth that you are going to walk away and place your child with another family.  I also wonder if it would be harder to place a child for adoption if you didn’t know from the start that is what you were going to do.  I don’t regret placing her for adoption but I wish things were different while I was pregnant.

I have been thinking about volunteering to help out other birth moms that have placed their children or are going to be placing them.   While I was pregnant I attended a support group that was held at the agency I went through.  I went through a agency that is run by a church and I think there need to be more groups for birth moms to go.  I know that some people wouldn’t be comfortable attending the group I did because of the ties to the church.  I just see such a need for birth moms to have a place to go and take to others who know how they feel.

People see how I am now and get frustrated because they aren’t were I am.  What they don’t understand is my daughter is now 6 years old and I have had people to talk to about it all.  Now that being said people don’t know that I can’t look at her baby pictures because they make me cry.  I have her pictures when she is older framed and on my walls but I can’t bring out her baby pictures because they make me sad.  I am sorry this post is all over but I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately and I hope I can find a way to help other birth moms.

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