Month: June 2012

My Open Adoption Thoughts

I haven’t written anything about adoption in awhile so  today I am going to talk about open adoption and why a totally open adoption isn’t for me.  If you don’t already know open adoption is defined:

Open adoption is an adoption in which the biological mother or parents and adoptive family know the identity of each other. In open adoption, the parental rights of biological parents are terminated, as they are in “closed adoptions” and the adoptive parents become the legal parents, yet the parties elect to remain in contact. Open adoption has become the norm in most states in the adoption of newborns.

Source: Wikipedia

At this point I would consider the adoption of my daughter to be semi open or even almost closed.  I get a card from them on Christmas and if during the year I want to an update I email them and ask for one and I am 100% okay with that.  I know that some people won’t understand why I am okay with so I am going to try and explain it as best as I can.

For the first year I got letters and pictures pretty regularly and to be honest every time I got pictures and a letter it brought back all of the emotions.  Once the letters and pictures stopped coming as regularly and now have pretty much stopped I have found been able to heal and stop living in the past.

Now that isn’t saying that I don’t think of her because I think of her every day but I feel that I am not stuck in the past.  In order for me to heal and get at the place I where I can now talk about it to anyone with out getting depressed I had to put everything that reminded me of her away.  I found that when I had her things out that I was dwelling on the pain and not living my life.

I am so glad that my adoption is how it is because it has allowed me to live my life and heal from the pain.  Now there are still times that it is hard for me but those times are few and far between anymore.

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30 Things About My Invisible Illness

I was going through the drafts of posts that I have and I found this questionaire.  I am pretty sure I got this last September during Invisible Illness week and for some reason I never filled it out and posted it.  I figured I would fill it out now and compare it to the one I did a few years ago.  If you want to see the other one click here and it will take you to it.

1. The illness I live with is: Multiple Sclerosis
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2000 or 2001 I believe
3. But I had symptoms since: I was in 5th grade
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Realizing that I have to slow down and pace myself.
5. Most people assume: That nothing is wrong with me and that I am just lazy
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting up if I have been up most of the night or if I am in pain
7. My favorite medical TV show is: I don’t really watch any of these since they took Discovery Health off the air in my area.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer & my cell phone calander
9. The hardest part about nights are: Falling asleep and staying asleep.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 7 everyday and then maybe 3 or 4 more depending on pain that I am having.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Really want to try acupuncture but I don’t have the money to try it right now.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible
13. Regarding working and career: I currently work as a receptionist and I also design blogs but I had to quit my job in the medical field because of it.
14. People would be surprised to know:That  my hands are numb and I had to reteach myself to type.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:Knowing that I can’t do the same things other people my age do and also knowing the people get scared off when they find out I have MS
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:I can’t really think of anything.
17. The commercials about my illness:I haven’t really seen any commercials about MS
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:Since I have had it so long I don’t really miss anything because I have been dealing with this for years now.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: It has been hard for me to stop eating gluten because I love bread.  I didn’t find out that I couldn’t eat gluten till about 5 years ago but when I don’t eat it my MS does so much better.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Since I have had MS for so long I haven’t really picked up anything new other than design blogs and blogging.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: There isn’t anything I  would do differently than what I do now.
22. My illness has taught me: Is to slow down and enjoy the little moments
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “I am sorry” or “That has to be hard”
24. But I love it when people:Don’t judge and take the time to listen and learn about MS.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:Do your research because knowledge is power!
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:How shallow and rude people are and can be.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:Just be there
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:I want everyone to learn about invisible illnesses
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:Good because it means that you are willing to learn and you are judging.

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Tandem

About

Six months ago, brutal murders shook the small Ozark town—murders that stopped after a house fire reportedly claimed the killer’s life. Lauryn McBride’s family auction house has taken responsibility for the estate sale of one of the victims—the enigmatic Markus Chisom. Submerging herself in Chisom’s beautiful but strange world, Lauryn welcomes the reprieve from watching Alzheimer’s steal her father from her, piece by piece. She soon realizes that centuries-old secrets tie Abbey Hills to the Chisom estate and a mysterious evil will do anything to make sure those secrets stay hidden. Even the man who grew up loving her may not be able to protect Lauryn from the danger.

When Amede Dastillon receives an unexpected package from Abbey Hills, she hopes it might be the key in tracking down her beloved sister, long estranged from her family. Visiting Abbey Hills seems the logical next step in her search, but Amede is unusually affected by the town, and when mutilated carcasses begin turning up again in the small community, the local law enforcement isn’t sure if they are confronting a familiar evil or a new terror.

Two women brought together by questions that seem to have no answers.  Can they overcome the loss and darkness threatening to devour them—or will their own demons condemn them to an emotional wasteland?

My Review

I am so glad that I decided to read this book. This type of book usually isn’t my thing but I fell in love with this book. It is amazingly written and it kept me wondering what was going to happen. I wish I would I have read the first book first but even with me not reading it first I was still able to figure out what was going on in this book. I would recommend this book to anyone who loves a good mystery/thriller.

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Healing

My best friend, okay she is more like a sister, had her baby on May 25.  I haven’t set foot in labor and delivery since I had and placed my daughter for adoption almost 7 years ago.  I that being there for her was going to be hard and it was going to bring emotions to the top that I hadn’t dealt with.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how healing it was going to be for me to be there with her and the baby.

After I got off of work I headed to the hospital and right when I pulled into the parking lot I broke down and started to cry.  I had to sit in my cry for a few minutes because the last thing she needed was to see me crying when see was in labor.  After I few minutes I got it together and I went into the hospital.  I didn’t really know where to be so I just stayed in the hall right outside the room she was in.

After she had him and we all came in the room and they asked me if I wanted to hold him all I could do was shake my head no.  My eyes filled up with tears and it was all I could do to keep from leaving the room.  To be honest in that minute I didn’t know if I would even hold him while he was in the hospital.  Every time I thought about holding him it brought all the emotions I had pushed to the background and hadn’t dealt with.

After they got her up to her postpartum room and her boyfriend left so he could run home and do a few things I stayed so that she wouldn’t have to be alone.  I didn’t want her to be alone because I know when I had my daughter it was hard to be in the hospital all alone.  After it was just the 3 of us I knew it was time to hold him and start to deal with the emotions.

After I held him for a little bit I realized that he did something for me that I didn’t know he could.  I can’t put into words what he did but he healed a part of me that I thought would always be broken.  He is so special to me because he will never know what he did for me and that is okay but he will always be a huge part of my life.

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Quote Of The Week-Making Mistakes

I can’t believe that is already the beginning of June.  It seems like just yesterday it was New Years day.  I can’t believe how fast the year is going.  Anyway here is this weeks quote:

I really liked this quote because it is so true.  I would rather spend my life making mistakes then just sitting around and let life pass me by.

Do you agree with this quote?

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