This week for the writers workshop I am going to write about #4 which is how I beat the summer heat. This year the temperatures of been super high and I am not sure if you know but heat and MS don’t mix well. Here a few things that I do to try and stay cool and not over heat.
I try to only go out in the mornings and if I do have to go out later I won’t go out in the afternoon because it is too hot.
When I am leaving work at 5 I always have a ice pack that I keep in the freezer at work and I use that while I am waiting for my AC to cool down my car.
I always try and wear light colors. I am sure it would help if I didn’t always layer my shirts but I can’t wear shirts without a tank top underneath them.
Those are the things I do to try and beat the heat. The biggest thing I do though is stay inside and out of the heat as much as possible. During the summer I really am a homebody because I just avoid the heat as much as I can.
This post has been sitting in my drafts for over a week now and everything I open it and read what I have written I delete it all. I have had posts in the past that have been hard for me to write and get written down but I never thought that this post would be one of them. I am not sure how many people know but my husband and I have been separated for years. In fact it has been so long I can’t even remember how many years it has really been.
We have spent more time apart than we ever did while we were married. Anyway’s as of June 27th I was officially divorced. It is crazy to think that I am now starting a new chapter of my life and I am not sure where it will take me but I am interested in finding out. Most people know tell me that I can date and do things like that and well I am pretty sure I am never going to date again. I am truly happy being single for the most part.
That being said while I am happy to finally have it done and over with it is also bittersweet and scary. I am scared because like I said before I am not sure where life will go from here. I am ready for the ride but scared at the same time if that makes senses. It is bittersweet for me because I never saw this as an ending for myself. I never saw my life taking this turn but I am slowly accepting it and moving on with where life will take me next.
I found out some news last week that I am still processing about the whole situation so be on the lookout for that post because it makes me wonder if it was even legal and things like that.
As I have sat here the past few weeks leading up to this week I decided instead of writing a letter to my daughter or just another post on how I am feeling about everything since it has been 8 years. This year I am going to write about the day I signed the papers and left the hospital. I haven’t written this post yet because out of the whole experience this was and still is the hardest part of the situation.
I find this day as the hardest because it was the day that I had to admit that I couldn’t do it and that she was going to better with the family I chose for her than she would be with me. I am pretty sure that unless you know who I am personally you don’t know that I hate to admit that I can’t do something. So for me the hardest part was signing the papers and handing her off to her family.
While I was pregnant I didn’t think I wanted to even see her and I thought there was no way that I could do what they call a “direct placement”. All that means is that I hand her off her to her family and then I leave instead of what some people do where they just leave the baby in the bassinet and walk away.
I am not going to go into much detail about the days that let up to the 9th but I am sure in time I will talk about those as well. I remember like it was yesterday my social working coming into my hospital room on the 9th bright and early and asking me if I was ready to sign the papers. I told her yes and she went out and grabbed two nurses because there had to be two witnesses and I started signing the papers. I remember getting to the final papers where I relinquish my rights and thinking to hurry and sign it because if I didn’t I didn’t know if I would be able to.
After I signed the paper the brought in my daughter and I held her for about an hour before the family came into my room to see her and talk to us. I remember we were all talking and then the mood changed for me. I am not sure why it changed but I realized that my time was coming to an end and I just started crying. My worker then knew it was time for the placement to happen so I handed her off her adoptive dad and just cried. At that point my social worker had them leave the room and I left the hospital about 30 mins or so later.
Even as I type this I am tearing up because my heart is still broken and I know there is no way to fix it. That being said I don’t regret the choices I made because I know without a doubt that she was meant to be in their family and not meant for me. The emotions are still raw when it comes to placement day and it is something I never want to go through again. That is all there is to this post because this post was more for me than anyone else.
This week is a tough week for me so I am going to be absent here on the blog. I have a book review that will be posted this weekend so that will be up but other than that I will be absent.
I am hoping that I will be back next week at some point with an update on everything that is going on right now.
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