INFUSION

Friday I had my infusion and lets just say that for the first time since I have been doing them I had to get poked twice.  She kept digging with the first needle until I told her I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer.  There is nothing that hurts more than a nurse fishing around in your arm trying to get a vein that she has missed but doesn’t want to re-due it and get it right.  After about 3 or 4 minutes digging around I finally said that’s enough.  I can’t take the pain anymore.  She then poked me again a little higher up on the vein and got it in the first time.  Now where I was poked at hurts and I got a battle wound (bruise).

I also got an email from my daughters adoptive family.  It totally made my Friday.  They told me about her and also enclosed two pictures for me.  I am not going to post them but if you would like to see them let me know and I will email them to you.  I can’t believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like my little brother.  She is short like I am but has the coloring of my little brother.  They said that she is all girl and is really good in school.  I was so glad to hear from them and happy that she is doing good.  It will be six years in July since I had her and placed her for adoption.  I know I made the right choice when I look at her pictures and see how happy she is.

I didn’t do that well this week when it comes to not eating.  I tried my best but lets just say that this week wasn’t the best.  I also haven’t done well on my diet but I am going to try and go walking tomorrow even though I will have to go by myself.  I really just need to charge my Ipod and go for a walk every night.  I need to lose the weight and I also need to get in shape for our trip to Yellowstone this summer.

That is all I have for today.  I still have a few spots left for designs so let me know if you are interested in getting a free design!

A Rough Time

This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

Long Week

It has been a super long week.  The men that I work with are getting meaner all the time and I am not sure how much more I can deal with it.  I don’t understand why they feel that yelling at me or Misti is going to get their problems taken care of faster.  If I get yelled at by the guys I always make sure that I do what they were yelling about very last just because I am pissed.  I get so tired of getting yelled at about things are out of my control.  How hard it is to understand that I only enter in orders.  I have no idea about credits and if the customer is put on credit hold it isn’t my problem that we can’t invoice them out and or enter an order for them.  I am really at the end of my rope when it comes to dealing with the men and having them be total assholes to me all the time.  I am just going to start staring at them when the freak out and if they calm down I will try and help them.  If they don’t calm down then I am going to refuse to help them.  They treat Misti & I like we are stupid idiots that don’t do anything.  If Misti or I were to quit everyone would be in a world of hurt.  Hell I don’t even think the guys know how to work the phones let alone use the accounting program.  I really with there was a way to show the guys how things would run if one of wasn’t around.  They have no idea of how much Misti and I really do.
Yesterday was also my infusion and that always takes a lot out of me.  I don’t know why it makes me tired but it sure does.  I am so glad that it is over and I don’t have to worry about it until next month.  I am sure getting tired of the infusions and taking time off work so that I can get them done.  When I take days off of work I want to do fun things and not spend 4 hours or so at the cancer clinic getting medication put into my body.  One good thing is that my liver is doing super well which is a great thing.  I have to wonder how long my liver is going to hang in there though.  I has to deal with so many chemicals because of all the medications I am forced to take because of this damn disease. 

That is enough of this for now.  I will be back!  Have a great weekend and…..

GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

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New Design & My Latest Infusion

As you should have noticed I got a new design from Jacqui!  I love this one and may keep it longer than the last one lol.  I am finding I get bored easily and love to have new blog designs.  I need to leave it along for awhile because I can’t afford to keep changing it every few months.  So this one will stay for awhile!

I had my infusion on Friday and it went pretty well.  I didn’t take the Benadryl that I usually take because I wanted to see if I could get along with out it.  I am happy to say that I didn’t need it this time.  I did get a headache but that is pretty normal.  The one thing I did notice about this infusion is I was super tired after it.  I hate how I am tired for a few days after and then come Monday or Tuesday I am good to go.  Oh well if that is one of the only things I have to complain about I will deal with it because I am starting to feel better after them again.  It has taken a few months to get back to where I feel better after them.  Now I need to start walking after work so I can lose all the weight I have put on these past few months because I haven’t been able to do much because I was so tired. 

I hope everyone has a great Monday!  I may be missing for a few days because work is super busy for me right now.  I had tons of work left on Thursday and since I am off this coming Friday as well I need to get totally caught up!  Wish me luck!

My Latest Infusion

I had my latest infusion on Friday the 7th.  I went to a different place then were I went for this post.  This place was so much better.  It was even better than it was when I went to the hospital for them.  I slept this time which is the first time since I have been doing them that I have actually slept.  I slept for about an hour and it was much needed.  I would have been worried if I hadn’t slept because I had a lot of drugs in my system because I had a migraine when I went it and I had to take my Benadryl(sp) because of the reaction that I sometimes have to the Tysabri. It was really quiet and relaxing there.  This time the doctor didn’t make me talk to him about stupid stuff because he knew that I was there for the Tysabri and that I probably knew more about the drug and disease then he did. I am glad that I finally found a place that I like and that didn’t act put out that they had to help me.
This is a short post but there wasn’t much to say on the subject.  I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday.

Utah Cancer Specialists In SLC. . . Totally Suck!!!!!

I am completely amazed at the lack of customer service that doctors offices now have.  I was totally amazed how I was treated at the place I had to go for my infusion today.  I have never been treated so badly before in my life.  This post may be long but I have to go into detail so you will all get the full effect.

I was already mad that I had to go and see one of their doctors but I got over it but because of how good the MRI was I knew I had to jump through the hoops they wanted me to do in order to get the infusions.  So after I sat in the waiting room for like 20 mins or so with everyone staring at me they took me back to a room.  On the way back they wanted to weigh me and get my height.  I am not going to give out the weight but lets just say that since I was lasted measured I have shrunk from 5’4″ to 5’3″!!!  What in the hell is up with that!!!!!!!  I thought you didn’t shrink until you where like 70 or so.  Guess by the time I am 70 I will be 1′ lol.  Anyways lets get back on track.  So they take me back to see one of their dumb doctors and lets just say she is a major bitch!  Her and I argued over what my car entailed.  Like I haven’t been doing this for months as it is. 

After I got done with her I went and waited for them to call me back into the infusion room which took another 20 mins or so.  Let me remind everyone that I still had to go back to work after this was all done at it was almost 11:30 at this point.  I was supposed to be back to work at around one and the infusion takes about 2 and a half hours.  Anyway when they took me back they put in the IV and then drew the labs they needed to do.  Usually at this point the hook up and medication right away and I don’t have to sit there are wait for the labs to come back.  Well even after telling the doctor I don’t have to wait they still made me sit there even long while they ran my labs! 

The nurse I had was a idiot that didn’t brush her teeth.  I love when nurses don’t listen to me when I say I don’t want something done.  The infusion in and of itself went really well which was good but the reaction I usually have during the infusion just happened later that night.  After I left there I called Tysabri and told them I won’t go back there and they need to find me a new place to go in order to get my infusion every month.

I guess what made me the maddest was the fact that they didn’t listen to me about my care and what I wanted done.  I hate when people in the medical field think I am a total idiot.  Hell if she didn’t believe me then she should have called my doctor and found out I was right!  The nurse was also not a nice person to me.  They all acted put out that I was there.  Like I really wanted to be there with a bunch of cancer patients.