THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN REALLY REALLY LONG. I WAS HOPING FOR A STRESS FREE WEEKEND BUT IT DIDN’T END UP THAT WAY. IT SEEMED LIKE THE STRESS OF THE WEEK JUST KEPT UP THIS WEEKEND. I AM SO CONFUSED AS WHAT I WANT WITH MY PARENTS AND WHERE I THINK THINGS SHOULD GO. I AM CONFUSED AND SCARED I GUESS. I KNOW I HAVE TO OVER THE HURT AND ANGER THAT I HAVE FOR THEM BUT THAT AT TIMES IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I AM NOT SURE THAT HAVING THEM IN MY LIFE IS THE BEST THING FOR ME. I HAVE FOUND THAT LATELY I AM GETTING ANGRY AND UPSET OVER THEM. I GUESS I AM SAD THAT MY MOTHER WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND THAT MY DAD IS TRYING BUT I HAVE ISSUES WITH FEAR WHEN IT COMES TO MY DAD. I AM TRYING TO LET THE FEAR THAT I HAVE GO BUT AT TIMES IT CONSUMES ME. I AM NOT SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH THEM BUT FOR NOW I HAVE STEPPED BACK TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD.
I AM ALSO FEELING LIKE I DON’T BELONG ANYWHERE IN THIS WORLD. I FEEL VERY UNLOVED AND UNCARED ABOUT. MY MARRIAGE FAILED AND MY PARENTS DON’T WANT ME AND MY GRANDPARENTS NEVER WANTED ME AROUND. I FEEL LIKE NO ONE HAS WANTED ME AROUND. I KNOW THAT PEOPLE LIKE MISTI WANT ME AROUND BUT I REALLY WOULD LOVE MY OWN FAMILY TO WANT ME AROUND. MAYBE THEY NEVER WILL MAYBE I AM MEANT TO FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN AND FIND MY OWN FAMILY. I AM GETTING THE FEELING THAT I NEED TO GET OUT OF UTAH AND GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I CAN FIGURE THINGS OUT ON MY OWN. I SO BADLY WISH THAT I COULD JUST START OVER AND THAT PEOPLE WOULDN’T JUDGE ME BECAUSE OF MY PAST AND THE MISTAKES THAT I HAVE MADE. EVERYONE MAKES THEM BUT I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT I AM JUDGE DIFFERENTLY THEN OTHERS HAVE BEEN JUDGE.