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THE WHY’S OF MEN

10 Mar
Written By
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don’t know…..it never happened)

( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart…Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma .’And they say blondes are dumb…
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
—————————————————————————————————————————————- ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————————————————————————————- Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’
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Filed Under: E-MAIL STORIES

GUN CONTROL

10 Mar
Written By

This may interest you. My old grandpa said to me son,’ there comes a time in every man’s life when he stops bustin’ knuckles and starts bustin’ caps and usually it’s when he becomes too old to take a whoopin’.
I don’t carry a gun to kill people.
I carry a gun to keep from being killed.
I don’t carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.
I don’t carry a gun because I’m paranoid.
I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.
I don’t carry a gun because I’m evil.
I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.
I don’t carry a gun because I hate the government.
I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.
I don’t carry a gun because I’m angry.
I carry a gun so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.
I don’t carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.
I don’t carry a gun because I’m a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.
I don’t carry a gun to make me feel like a man.
I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.
I don’t carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.
I don’t carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.
Police Protection is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves. Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess. Personally, I carry a gun because I’m too young to die and too old to take a whoopin

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A LITTLE GUN HISTORY

In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

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In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

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Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.

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China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated

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Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

—- ————- ————-

Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000> Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

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Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

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Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million.

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It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by> new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own Government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars.

The first year results are now in:

List of 7 items:

Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent.

Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent.

Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!

In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300> percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!

While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.

There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort, and expense was expended in successfully ridding Australian society of guns. The Australian experience and the other historical facts above prove it.

You won’t see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians disseminating this information.

Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.

Take note my fellow Americans, before it’s too late!

The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of this history lesson.

With guns, we are ‘citizens’. Without them, we are ‘subjects’.

During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew most Americans were ARMED! If you value your freedom, please spread this anti-gun control message to all of your friends.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain.. All else is supplemental.

SWITZERLAND ISSUES EVERY HOUSEHOLD A GUN! SWITZERLAND ‘S GOVERNMENT TRAINS EVERY ADULT THEY ISSUE A RIFLE. SWITZERLAND HAS THE LOWEST GUN RELATED CRIME RATE OF ANY CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!

IT’S A NO BRAINER! DON’T LET OUR GOVERNMENT WASTE MILLIONS OF OUR TAX DOLLARS IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ALL LAW ABIDING CITIZENS AN EASY TARGET.

Filed Under: E-MAIL STORIES

TUESDAY

10 Mar
Written By

WELL IT IS TUESDAY AND I AM STILL TIRED. OH WELL I WILL SURVIVE I WEIGHED MYSELF TODAY AND WANTED TO DIE. I HAVE GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT. I HAVE GAINED SO MUCH THAT I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO POST A NUMBER. ALL I KNOW IS I AM BACK TO EATING RIGHT AND I AM GOING TO START WALKING AGAIN. I REFUSE TO WEIGH AS MUCH AS I DO. I AM GOING TO JUST EAT CELERY BECAUSE IT TAKES MORE CALORIES TO EAT IT THEN YOU GET FROM IT. I HATE IT WHEN I FEEL FAT LIKE I DO. IT TOTALLY RUINS MY WEEK. I THINK I AM NOT GOING TO WEIGH MYSELF FOR AWHILE SO THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM AT THAT WAY IT WON’T RUIN MY WEEK. MAYBE I SHOULD NEVER WEIGH MYSELF. I TEND TO GET STUCK ON NUMBERS AND I GET UPSET IF THE NUMBER IS TO HIGH. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF I DON’T WEIGH MYSELF AND JUST GO OFF OF HOW I LOOK. I AM JUST TIRED OF MY CLOTHES NOT FITTING RIGHT. I FEEL LIKE WHEN I LOOK AROUND THAT I AM HUGE. I WISH THAT I COULD BE SKINNY BUT I DON’T KNOW THAT I WOULD EVER BE ABLE TO BE SKINNY. I GUESS IT IS THE TIDWELL CURSE!
ONE OF THE GIRLS THREW UP LAST NIGHT. WE AREN’T SURE WHICH ONE IT WAS BUT I AM THINKING IT WAS SYLVIA. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IT WAS WHEN YOU HAVE 3 CATS. THE GIRLS ARE BEING OK I GUESS. SYLVIA HAS A BAD HABIT OF GETTING ON THE COUNTER AND TRYING TO EAT HUMAN FOOD. WHICH MAKES HER THROW UP. I WISH THAT MY GRANDPARENTS WOULDN’T LET THEM ON THE COUNTER, BUT THEY DON’T EVER LISTEN TO ME. THEY WONDER WHY THE GIRLS ONLY LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE. IT IS A JOKE THAT IS FOR SURE. THEY NEED TO DISCIPLINE THEM AND NOT LET THEM DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.
YESTERDAY WAS MY UNCLE RUSSELL’S FUNERAL. I DIDN’T GO BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE FUNERALS. MY GRANDMA SAYS THAT MY GRANDPA WAS SAD AT FIRST BUT BETTER BY THE TIME IT WAS OVER. LAST NIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME HE SEEMED OK. HE WAS A LITTLE SAD BUT OTHER THAN THAT HE WAS OK. I HAS TO BE HARD WHEN YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DIES. I COULDN’T IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL FEEL LIKE WHEN MY BROTHER DIES, BUT DEATH IS A NATURAL PART OF LIFE. I GUESS I HAVE A DIFFERENT VIEW ON DEATH BECAUSE I WORKED IN THE NURSING HOME AND WAS AROUND IT SO MUCH.

Filed Under: FAMILY, PERSONAL THOUGHTS, PETS
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