TODAY I HAD A MAJOR PANIC ATTACK AND I AM NOT SURE WHY OR WHAT CAUSED IT. IT JUST CAME ON AND NOW I AM REALLY REALLY PISSED OFF. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST GOING WRONG. I GUESS THE THINGS THAT ARE GOING WRONG ARE DUMB THINGS THAT I USUALLY DON’T LET GET TO ME BUT TODAY THEY DID. OH WELL ALL I CAN DO IS TRY AND CALM DOWN AND NOT LET THINGS GET TO ME. THIS IS THE FIRST PANIC ATTACK THAT I HAVE HAD SINCE I STARTED ON THIS NEW MEDICATION. SO THE MEDICATION IS WORKING BUT I STILL NEED SOMETHING FOR DAYS LIKE TODAY THAT I HAVE THEM. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE PERSON THAT HAS PANIC ATTACKS. SO ALL OF THIS IS NEW TO ME. I THINK I AM GOING TO START DOING YOGA AND WALKING AFTER WORK. MAYBE IF I WORK OUT I WON’T HAVE THEM AS MUCH. IT IS AT LEAST WORTH A TRY THAT IS FOR SURE.
LAST NIGHT WAS AN INTERESTING NIGHT TO SAY THE LEAST. I WOKE UP AND I HAD SYLVIA ON THE BED AND ELINORE ON MY HEAD. I WAS LIKE WTF??? I JUST ROLLED OVER AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP. I DIDN’T EVEN CARE THAT THEY WERE BOTH THERE. SYLVIA USUALLY DOESN’T SLEEP WITH ME SO LAST NIGHT WAS WEIRD TO WAKE UP AND HAVE HER ON THE BED. MY BED ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR TWO CATS AND A PERSON THAT IS FOR SURE.
I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH JOSH. I KNOW I LOVE HIM BUT I DON’T THINK HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT. I MEAN HE STILL HAS HIS GIRLFRIEND. SO I TOLD HIM YESTERDAY WHEN HE GETS RID OF HER WE WILL TALK. UNTIL THEN I AM NOT WASTING TIME WAITING FOR HIM. IF HE COMES BACK AND I AM SEEING SOMEONE THAT IS HIS LOSS NOT MINE. I CAN’T WAIT AROUND FOREVER. I REFUSE TO WASTE ANYMORE TIME ON HIM IF HE ISN’T SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
I AM SO READY TO MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE. I AM SO TIRED OF ALL THE DRAMA AND MY FAMILY. IT SEEMS LIKE THE WHOLE HOUSE IS ALWAYS FIGHTING AND I AM ALWAYS HIDING HOPING THAT THEY DON’T YELL AT ME OR MY KIDS. IT IS GETTING TO BE A JOKE THAT IS FOR SURE. I KEEP HOPING THAT MY LITTLE BROTHER WILL MOVE OUT BUT I DON’T EVER SEE THAT HAPPENING. HE COULD NEVER TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF HE IS TOO IRRESPONSIBLE. HE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO PAY HIS BILLS AND LACHELLE IS NO GOOD EITHER. THEY WENT OUT AND SPENT LIKE $200 ON STUFF THAT SHE DIDN’T NEED. IT BUGS ME AND THEN THEY BOTH STINK ALL THE TIME BECAUSE THEY DON’T SHOWER VERY OFTEN, AND WHEN LACHELLE DOES SHOWER SHE TAKES LIKE 30 MIN SHOWERS AND THAT PISSES OFF GRANDPA.
MAJOR PANIC ATTACK
JOSH
WELL JOSH WANTS TO SEE IF THIS MARRIAGE CAN WORK NOW. HE KEEPS ME SO CONFUSED. I REALLY WOULD LIKE IT TO WORK BUT I DON’T KNOW IF IT CAN. I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE WHOLE CAN I TRUST HIM AGAIN. I THINK I CAN BUT HE CAN’T KNOW WHAT I KNOW. I HAVE TOO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND SEE IF I CAN’T GET THINGS OUT OF HIM WITH OUT LETTING HIM KNOW I KNOW. I KNOW I LOVE HIM BUT I DON’T KNOW IF HE FEELS THE SAME THE WAY. IT WILL TAKE TIME AND ENERGY TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT. I HAVE LOTS OF TIME THAT IS FOR SURE. I AM NOT SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN BUT I KNOW IN TIME THINGS WILL WORK OUT HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK OUT. EVEN IF EVERYONE DOESN’T AGREE WITH ME. I AM SO USED TO PEOPLE NOT AGREEING WITH ME THAT I ALWAYS DO WHAT I WANT TO DO AND NOT WORRY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
I AM FEELING OK TODAY. I AM DEFINITELY BETTER THAN I WAS THE FIRST TIME. I AM SO GLAD THAT THE REACTION I HAD WASN’T AS BAD AS IT WAS THE FIRST TIME. I AM HOPING THAT THE DOCTOR WILL ALLOW ME TO KEEP DOING IT. I KNOW IT WORKS AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I AM NOT TIRED AND WARN OUT. I KNOW THE MEDICATION IS WORKING AND I ALSO KNOW THAT I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO PAY FOR IT.
THE GIRLS ARE BIGGER MONSTERS THAN THEY EVER HAVE BEEN BEFORE. THEY ARE BOTH GETTING SO ACTIVE AND PLAYING SO MUCH. THEY ARE LOVING THE WARMER WEATHER THAT IS FOR SURE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM SO HAPPY AND PLAYFUL. THEY ARE ALWAYS RUNNING AND JUMPING AND SYLVIA HAS A NEW PLACE TO SLEEP.
INFUSION
WELL I HAD MY INFUSION TODAY AND IT WAS BETTER THAN THE LAST TIME. I HAD A LITTLE REACTION BUT I TOOK MORE BENADRYL AND IT WENT AWAY. SO I AM HOPING THAT IT WILL GET BETTER EACH TIME. THIS TIME THE SLOWED DOWN THE RATE SO IT TOOK TWO HOURS INSTEAD OF ONE HOUR FOR THE MEDICATION. IT WORKS SO I AM GLAD THAT I AM DOING IT. I TRIED TO TALK TO THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH TO GET HELP WITH THE BILLS BUT THE WON’T HELP ME UNTIL I HAVE A LOT OF BILLS THAT ARE OVER DUE . SO I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL WAIT TO PAY THEM SO I CAN GET HELP FROM THEM. RIGHT NOW I HAVE A HEADACHE THAT WAS CAUSED BY THE INFUSION. I CAN DEAL WITH A HEADACHE AS LONG AS THE DRUG WORKS, AND SO FAR IT HAS HELPED. MY NEXT ONE IS SCHEDULED FOR THE 24TH OF APRIL. THEY MIGHT HAVE ME TAKE STERIODS BEFORE I GET THE INFUSION SO THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY REACTION.
JOSH
JOSH
WELL I GUESS THEY HAVE DECIDED THAT JOSH HAS SLEEP APNEA. I GUESS HE COULDN’T SLEEP SO THEY SAID THAT HE HAD IT. SO NOW BEFORE HE CAN GO BACK TO WORK HE HAS TO GET A C-PAP MACHINE. HOPEFULLY THAT WILL HAPPEN SOON SO THAT HE CAN GET BACK TO WORK. I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY AND I HOPE ONE DAY THAT HE WILL BE HAPPY. I KNOW IN TIME HE WILL FIND THE PERSON THAT IS MEANT FOR HIM.
ELINORE IS BACK TO THROWING UP ALL THE TIME AGAIN. I AM NOT SURE WHAT HER PROBLEM IS BUT IT IS GETTING OLD THAT IS FOR SURE. WE ARE GETTING TIRED OF CLEANING UP THROW UP THAT IS FOR SURE. MAYBE IT IS JUST SOMETHING THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO AND DEAL WITH. I WON’T GET RID OF HER SO I GUESS I SHOULD JUST STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT AND DEAL WITH IT.
I AM DEPRESSED AND TIRED OF ME NOT HAVING ANYONE BUT LIKE I SAID YESTERDAY I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON ME AND IF I GUY COMES ALONG COOL AND IF NOT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MISTI. I AM HOPING THAT MISTI WILL FIND THE PERSON THAT WILL TREAT HER LIKE SHE DESERVES. IN TIME I KNOW SHE WILL AND SHE CAN HAVE KIDS AND A FAMILY LIKE SHE SO BADLY WANTS. I AM OK NOT HAVING KIDS BECAUSE I HAVE THE GIRLS BUT I WOULD MAYBE LIKE A GUY TO BE IN MY LIFE. WHO KNOWS THOUGH I HAVE STARTED TO THINK THAT I AM NOT MEANT TO BE WITH ANYONE. I AM TOO INDEPENDENT FOR MOST GUYS BUT IF I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE I AM OK WITH THAT AS WELL. ALL I CAN DO IS LEAVE IT UP TO FATE I GUESS. I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS WAS DESTINED TO HAPPEN SO I AM GOING TO TRY AND NOT STRESS ABOUT THINGS.
HEALTH
IT IS TUESDAY AND I AM READY FOR IT TO BE FRIDAY. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WEEK. I AM READY FOR MY INFUSION. I AM READY TO START FOCUSING ON MY HEALTH AND FORGETTING ABOUT ALL THE OTHER DRAMA IN MY LIFE. MY MAIN FOCUS RIGHT NOW WILL BE MY HEALTH AND GETTING ME BETTER. MAYBE MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER IF I FOCUS ON ME FOR AWHILE AND ME WHERE I NEED TO BE. THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE IF YOU AREN’T LOOKING. SO I AM NO LONGER GOING TO LOOK. I WILL LEAVE IT UP TO FATE. MAYBE I AM MEANT TO BE ALONE AND IF THAT IS THE CASE THEN BRING IT ON LOL. I AM NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT MEN OR THINGS LIKE THAT. I AM GOING TO BE ME AND FOCUS ON MY HEALTH AND DO WHATEVER I CAN DO TO GET ME BETTER. I THINK IT IS TIME FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE HAPPY AND IF A GUY IS MEANT TO BE IN MY LIFE THEN HE WILL COME ALONG.
ANYWAY, JOSH HAS TO DO A SLEEP STUDY TONIGHT. HE HAS TO DO IT BEFORE HE CAN DRIVE AGAIN. HE HAS BEEN OFF SINCE LAST WEEK SOMETIME. I GUESS THAT HIS MEDICAL CARD WAS ONLY GOOD FOR 3 MONTHS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ANYWAYS HE HAS TO DO THE STUDY TO SEE IF HE HAS SLEEP APNEA OR NOT. I AM SURE HE HAS IT BUT I AM NOT SURE. I GUESS HE IS DATING SOMEONE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE DOESN’T THINK THINGS WILL WORK OUT WITH HER BUT HE WON’T TELL ME WHY. ALL I KNOW ABOUT HER IS THAT SHE LIVES IN SPRINGFIELD AND THAT SHE IS A “BIGGER” GIRL. NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.
I MET A GREAT GUY BUT. . .
JOEY IS A GREAT GUY THAT MET ABOUT A WEEK AGO. I AM FINDING THAT I REALLY LIKE HIM MORE AND MORE, BUT I KNOW THAT IT WILL COME TO END WHEN HE HAS TO LEAVE TO GO TO BASIC TRAINING FOR THE ARMY. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER FELT LIKE I FEEL NOW. WHEN I AM AROUND HIM I FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. IT IS LIKE TIME STOPS AND ALL MY WORRIES GO AWAY. SINCE HE IS LEAVING ALL I CAN DO IS SPEND TIME WITH HIM WHEN HE IS HERE AND KEEP IN TOUCH WITH HIM WHEN HE IS GONE. MAYBE IN TIME SOMETHING WILL COME OF IT AND IF NOT THEN I WILL HAVE A GREAT FRIEND THAT IS FUN TO HANG OUT WITH.
