Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex’s when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S.THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing
FUNNY LETTER I FOUND
SUNDAY RAMBLINGS
WELL IT IS SUNDAY AND MY WEEKEND IS ALMOST OVER. I AM SHOCKED AT HOW FAST IT SEEMED TO GO AND AT THE SAME TIME HOW IT SEEMED TO DRAG. I GUESS THAT IS HOW TIME PASSES AT TIMES IT FLIES BY AND OTHER TIMES IT SEEMS TO STAND STILL. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY AND STAY BUSY AND LET HOPE THAT IT FLIES BY. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING THE ODD ONE OUT AT HOME. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS AGAINEST ME ALL THE TIME. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES ANYTHING WRONG. MY LITTLE BROTHER NEVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG. OH WAIT HE DOES BUT I GET BLAMED FOR IT ALL. I WISH I HAD THE MONEY TO MOVE OUT AND GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THE DRAMA THAT THERE IS HERE. IT IS A RARE WEEKEND THAT I DON’T SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY ROOM ALONE. I TRY AND GET OUT BUT I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER PEOPLE SO I END UP JUST STAYING IN MY ROOM WATCHING THE WORLD PASS ME BY. OH WELL GUESS IF I WANT TO GET OUT I NEED TO JUST GO OUT ALONE. HELL MAYBE I WILL GO OUT TO CLUB OR SOMETHING NEXT WEEKEND. THERE IS NO LAW THAT SAYS I CAN’T GO OUT ALONE. WITH ALL MY FRIENDS MARRIED OR IN RELATIONSHIPS I GUESS IT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO MEET PEOPLE. SO THAT IS THE PLAN FOR NEXT WEEK I AM GOING TO GET OUT EACH DAY AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO. I AM NOT SURE WHAT I WILL DO BUT I WILL FIGURE IT OUT DURING THE WEEK AND I WILL GET OUT NEXT WEEKEND SO THAT I AM NOT STUCK AT HOME WITH CRAZY PEOPLE ANY MORE THAN WHAT I NEED TO BE.
THE GIRLS ARE ACTING LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO. THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE AS MANY PROBLEMS AS THE POSSIBLE CAN. I WOULD BE SCARED IF THEY STARTED TO ACT GOOD AND DO NOTHING WRONG. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MONSTERS AND THAT IS HOW THEY ALWAYS WILL BE. ELINORE IS FEELING BETTER I THINK. SHE HASN’T THROWN UP IN A WHIILE SO THAT IS A REALLY REALLY GOOD SIGN. SYLVIA IS GETTING BIGGER AND MEANER AS THE DAYS GO BY. I HOPE SHE IS DONE GROWING SOON SO THAT I DON’T HAVE A HUGE CAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. OH WELL GUESS I HAVE TO TAKE WHAT I AM GIVEN. I CHOSE HER NOW I GET TO HAVE A HUGE CAT.
MY LITTLE BROTHER IS GOING TO TRAINING FOR THE NATIONAL GUARD ON THE 3RD OF MARCH. I AM WONDERING WHAT HIS GIRLFRIEND WILL DO WHILE HE IS GONE. IT SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SURE SHE WILL FEEL TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE HERE. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT GOING TO GO OUT OF MY WAY TO ENTERTAIN HER. AFTER SHE LIED ABOUT ME I AM DONE WITH HER. I AM NICE TO HER BECAUSE I HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER BUT I WON’T GO OUT OF MY WAY WITH HER EITHER. SHE ISN’T MY PROBLEM AND I WON’T DO THINGS FOR HER. SHE WILL HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT ON HER OWN. I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER ANYMORE AND I FEEL THAT SHE IS JUST LIKE HER MOTHER! SHE IS ALL DRAMA!















