FUNNY LETTER I FOUND

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex’s when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the frontdoor key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S.THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing

SUNDAY RAMBLINGS

WELL IT IS SUNDAY AND MY WEEKEND IS ALMOST OVER. I AM SHOCKED AT HOW FAST IT SEEMED TO GO AND AT THE SAME TIME HOW IT SEEMED TO DRAG. I GUESS THAT IS HOW TIME PASSES AT TIMES IT FLIES BY AND OTHER TIMES IT SEEMS TO STAND STILL. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY AND STAY BUSY AND LET HOPE THAT IT FLIES BY. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING THE ODD ONE OUT AT HOME. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS AGAINEST ME ALL THE TIME. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES ANYTHING WRONG. MY LITTLE BROTHER NEVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG. OH WAIT HE DOES BUT I GET BLAMED FOR IT ALL. I WISH I HAD THE MONEY TO MOVE OUT AND GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THE DRAMA THAT THERE IS HERE. IT IS A RARE WEEKEND THAT I DON’T SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY ROOM ALONE. I TRY AND GET OUT BUT I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER PEOPLE SO I END UP JUST STAYING IN MY ROOM WATCHING THE WORLD PASS ME BY. OH WELL GUESS IF I WANT TO GET OUT I NEED TO JUST GO OUT ALONE. HELL MAYBE I WILL GO OUT TO CLUB OR SOMETHING NEXT WEEKEND. THERE IS NO LAW THAT SAYS I CAN’T GO OUT ALONE. WITH ALL MY FRIENDS MARRIED OR IN RELATIONSHIPS I GUESS IT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO MEET PEOPLE. SO THAT IS THE PLAN FOR NEXT WEEK I AM GOING TO GET OUT EACH DAY AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO. I AM NOT SURE WHAT I WILL DO BUT I WILL FIGURE IT OUT DURING THE WEEK AND I WILL GET OUT NEXT WEEKEND SO THAT I AM NOT STUCK AT HOME WITH CRAZY PEOPLE ANY MORE THAN WHAT I NEED TO BE.
THE GIRLS ARE ACTING LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO. THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE AS MANY PROBLEMS AS THE POSSIBLE CAN. I WOULD BE SCARED IF THEY STARTED TO ACT GOOD AND DO NOTHING WRONG. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MONSTERS AND THAT IS HOW THEY ALWAYS WILL BE. ELINORE IS FEELING BETTER I THINK. SHE HASN’T THROWN UP IN A WHIILE SO THAT IS A REALLY REALLY GOOD SIGN. SYLVIA IS GETTING BIGGER AND MEANER AS THE DAYS GO BY. I HOPE SHE IS DONE GROWING SOON SO THAT I DON’T HAVE A HUGE CAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. OH WELL GUESS I HAVE TO TAKE WHAT I AM GIVEN. I CHOSE HER NOW I GET TO HAVE A HUGE CAT.
MY LITTLE BROTHER IS GOING TO TRAINING FOR THE NATIONAL GUARD ON THE 3RD OF MARCH. I AM WONDERING WHAT HIS GIRLFRIEND WILL DO WHILE HE IS GONE. IT SHOULD BE INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST. I AM SURE SHE WILL FEEL TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE HERE. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT GOING TO GO OUT OF MY WAY TO ENTERTAIN HER. AFTER SHE LIED ABOUT ME I AM DONE WITH HER. I AM NICE TO HER BECAUSE I HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER BUT I WON’T GO OUT OF MY WAY WITH HER EITHER. SHE ISN’T MY PROBLEM AND I WON’T DO THINGS FOR HER. SHE WILL HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT ON HER OWN. I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER ANYMORE AND I FEEL THAT SHE IS JUST LIKE HER MOTHER! SHE IS ALL DRAMA!

THE DUMB GOVERNMENT

Soldier mom, kids plan to report for duty
N.C. woman settles on alternative to leaving family behind, refusing orders
The Associated Press

DAVIDSON, N.C. - When Lisa Pagan reports for duty Sunday, four long years after she was honorably discharged from the Army, she will arrive with more than her old uniform. She is bringing her kids, too.
“I have to bring them with me,” she said. “I don’t have a choice.”
Pagan is among thousands of former service members who have left active duty since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, only to later receive orders to return to service. They are not in training, they are not getting a Defense Department salary, but as long as they have time left on their original enlistment contracts, they are on “individual ready reserve” status — eligible to be recalled at any time.
Soldiers can appeal, and some have won permission to remain in civilian life. Pagan filed several appeals, arguing that because her husband travels for business, no one else can take care of her kids. All were rejected, leaving Pagan with what she says is a choice between deploying to Iraq and abandoning her family, or refusing her orders and potentially facing charges.
Then she hit on the idea of showing up Sunday at Fort Benning, Georgia, with her children in tow.
“I guess they’ll have to contact the highest person at the base, and they’ll have to decide from there what to do,” Pagan said. “I either report and bring the children with me or don’t report and face dishonorable discharge and possibly being arrested. I guess I’ll just have to make my case while I’m there.”
‘Obligations and commitments’Master Sgt. Keith O’Donnell, an Army spokesman in St. Louis, said the commander at Fort Benning will decide how to handle the situation.
“The Army tries to look at the whole picture and they definitely don’t want to do anything that jeopardizes the family or jeopardizes the children,” O’Donnell said. “At the same time, these are individuals who made obligations and commitments to the country.”
Of the 25,000 individual ready reserve troops recalled since September 2001, more than 7,500 have been granted deferments or exemptions, O’Donnell said. About 1,000 have failed to report. O’Donnell said most of those cases are still under investigation, while 360 soldiers have been separated from the Army either through “other than honorable” discharges or general discharges.
He said Pagan is not likely to face charges, since none of the individual ready reserve soldiers who have failed to report faced a court-martial.
Pagan, who grew up near Camden, N.J., was working in a department store when she made her commitment in September 2002. She learned how to drive a truck, and met Travis while stationed in Hawaii. She had her first child while in uniform, and they left the service in 2005 when their enlistments were up.
She always knew there was a chance she could be recalled, so she buried the thought in the back of her mind.
“When I enlisted, they said almost nobody gets called back when you’re in the IRR,” she said.
The young family settled outside of Charlotte in the college town of Davidson, where Travis landed a job as a salesman. It required lots of travel, but that was OK — Pagan enjoyed her life as a stay-at-home mom to their son Eric and second child, a daughter named Elizabeth.
She opened a child-care center in her home, and started taking classes at nearby Fayetteville State.
Mom makes her pleaThe orders to return to active duty arrived in December 2007. She told the Army there was no one to take care of her children: Her husband spent most of his time on the road, and they believe quitting his job is a sure path to bankruptcy and foreclosure. Her parents live in New Jersey and her husband’s parents live in Texas. Neither are able to help out. The Army was not persuaded.
Pagan hired attorney Mark Waple, who filed another appeal, which included a letter from Travis Pagan’s employer that said bluntly: “In order for Travis to remain an employee, he will be required to travel.” In December 2008, her appeal was again rejected.
“It’s the obligation of commanders to make certain that service members have a valid family care plan and that clearly has not happened in Lisa’s case,” Waple said.
Tom Tarantino, a policy associate with the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, a nonprofit group that helps veterans, said the Army has taken a hard line on many of these cases.
“Usually the only way that someone can get out of the deployment or get out of the military due to a family hardship is if they get into a situation where the kids will be put into foster care,” Tarantino said.
“That’s how serious it has to be, and I’m sure what the military is telling her — and I’m not saying that this is exactly the right answer — but the fact that it is inconvenient for her husband’s job is not the military’s problem. It’s very harsh.”
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29441874/?GT1=43001

WEIRD

Mich. woman with 2 wombs delivers twins
Mother has a condition known as uterus didelphys
The Associated Press
MARQUETTE, Mich. - A Michigan woman with two wombs has given birth to twin daughters — one from each uterus.
The Mining Journal and WLUC-TV report that Sarah Reinfelder’s two healthy babies were delivered seven weeks premature Thursday by cesarean section at Marquette General Hospital in the Upper Peninsula.
The 21-year-old Sault Ste. Marie woman has a condition known as uterus didelphys, and doctors say such twin births are rare. The uteri are different sizes, with the larger twin born from the larger uterus.
Dr. Connie Hedmark and Dr. Breanna Pond first delivered Kaylin Joy, then Valerie Marie, the larger twin by one pound. Kaylin Joy weighed 3 pounds, 15 ounces.
Neonatologist Julie Frei says she expects that the twins, who don’t have fully developed lung function, likely will be hospitalized for three or four weeks.
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29446416/?GT1=43001

I SAW THIS STORY AND THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS CONDITION BEFORE SO I FIGURED I WOULD POST IT. THOUGHT EVERYONE COULD READY ABOUT IT. I LOVE TO LEARN NEW THINGS ABOUT THE MEDICAL FIELD, SO WHEN I FIND NEW THINGS I LOVE TO POST THEM.

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