A Life Filled With Multiple Sclerosis, Moments & Memories
Adoption
Friday I had my infusion and lets just say that for the first time since I have been doing them I had to get poked twice. She kept digging with the first needle until I told her I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer. There is nothing that hurts more than a nurse fishing around in your arm trying to get a vein that she has missed but doesn’t want to re-due it and get it right. After about 3 or 4 minutes digging around I finally said that’s enough. I can’t take the pain anymore. She then poked me again a little higher up on the vein and got it in the first time. Now where I was poked at hurts and I got a battle wound (bruise).
I also got an email from my daughters adoptive family. It totally made my Friday. They told me about her and also enclosed two pictures for me. I am not going to post them but if you would like to see them let me know and I will email them to you. I can’t believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like my little brother. She is short like I am but has the coloring of my little brother. They said that she is all girl and is really good in school. I was so glad to hear from them and happy that she is doing good. It will be six years in July since I had her and placed her for adoption. I know I made the right choice when I look at her pictures and see how happy she is.
I didn’t do that well this week when it comes to not eating. I tried my best but lets just say that this week wasn’t the best. I also haven’t done well on my diet but I am going to try and go walking tomorrow even though I will have to go by myself. I really just need to charge my Ipod and go for a walk every night. I need to lose the weight and I also need to get in shape for our trip to Yellowstone this summer.
That is all I have for today. I still have a few spots left for designs so let me know if you are interested in getting a free design!
As you can tell I have redone my design again. That is the bad thing about learning how to design my own blogs. Now I can change it up as often as I want to. This design is super bright and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I may end up changing some of the colors up tonight so that isn’t so bright but who knows. Those that know me know that it will change soon enough because I get bored easily. If you have any ideas on a theme I should do next let me know. I am always looking for new themes and new graphics to use.
I wrote a letter to the lady that adopted my daughter on Friday. My curiosity got the best of me and I am curious as to what she is like now and what she looks like. Since I sent the email I find myself checking my emails all the time. I hope they write back but I have to wonder if they will write back or if they will just ignore it and pretend that they never received the email. I wonder how people who placed their kids for adoption when things were so closed how they managed and dealt with it. If it was still closed like that I don’t know that I could have place my daughter. I am so thankful that things are more open with most adoptions anymore. I also know that they don’t have to talk to me anymore. I hope I hear from them but I will understand if they don’t write me back. I made me decision when she was bored and now the rest of the choices are made by them and her when she gets older.
I am still looking for people who are in need of a blog design. If you know of someone or would like one yourself let me know. I am going to be hosting a giveaway for a free design as well. Right now I can only design blogs that are hosted by Blogger but if you know someone who uses wordpress or any other host let me know and I can get their information to the lady that taught me all I know.
This last weekend was super tough for me. I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all. I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad. I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills. Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick. Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants. Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one. I am a total mess. I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional. I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life. I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues. Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread. I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now. I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on. I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now. I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.
I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago. I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time. She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her. When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her. Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her. I had called my night nurse for a pain pill. When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her. As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do. After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family. I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me. Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well. I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it. I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today. I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her. I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do. I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there. We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up. I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away. I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on. I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no. At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her. I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.
It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday. It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come. This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out. There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now. I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me. As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!
I am writing this post for Shells Pour Your Heart Out. I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this. As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.
It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard. I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them. I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again. It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt. I can’t believe my daughter is 5. Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption. When I go to the stores and see the baby clothes it makes me sad because in my head she is still that little. I have shared my story on here before so I am not going to write about that again instead I think I am going to write a letter to her. All I ask if you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut.
Dear Brita,
I can’t believe you are already 5 years old. I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder. I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t. I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through saying goodbye. I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms. I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you. If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be. I hope you grow up happy. I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts. I hope you never doubt the love I have for you. I will always love you no matter what you do. I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you! I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you. In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!
I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live. Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her. I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self. Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away. I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.
I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family. I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me. I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away. Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them. That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time. To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks. I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing. I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me. It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier. Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure.
Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing. Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing. I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption. In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child. I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.
I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me. Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry? I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it. I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her. Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it. Ok I will get off my soap box now. Sorry I got side tracked.
I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her. If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies. I want people to know that anyone can do it. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done. Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts. I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.
After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all. I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not. I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do. I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids. Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all. I just wish my husband would get that and drop the whole subject but that is a post for another day.
This post is all over but that is how my brain works. Hope it makes some sense to everyone. If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!
I watched the Lifetime movie called “Pregnancy Pact” last night and it really got me thinking about teen pregnancy and about my story of getting pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. I decided that I will give you that story today since it is on my mind and I am having trouble writing my post on the MS. Don’t worry I am still working on it. It is just going to take a little longer than what I thought it was going to.
Anyway here is my story.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and lets just say the year started out bad. I should have just moved off campus like Carrie my roommate from my freshman year. The first apartment I was in that year was with freshman and lets just say it was hard because they wanted to party and I had a really tough class that I needed to study for so after things got really bad I asked to move. In the mean time I had started to see a guy and lets just say that I didn’t wait long before I slept with him for the first time.
I moved into a new apartment with two girls that turned out to be drug addicts and one of them ended up over dosing the day before Thanksgiving but I am getting ahead of myself. After I moved in that apartment I got pregnant. I found out because I was so sick that I went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me. They ran a pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant. I already knew I was at that point but I just didn’t want to admit to it. In fact I knew the night it happened that I was.
The rest of that semester is still fuzzy to me. I can remember telling my grandma the night I got out of the hospital on the phone and she basically told me that I should place the baby. The funny thing about that is that I already knew I was going to do that I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone else for a long time. I started going to LDS Family Services because it was free and they had a support group for girls that were pregnant and not married.
After the semester ended I moved home because I couldn’t deal with the stress of school and my roommate over dosing anymore. While I was at home I was working two jobs and taking an online class. In January I started looking for profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story get weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either down syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was ok with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due July 7th and it was hot and tiring be pregnant during the summer. I went in to the doctors a week before I was due and he said that if I didn’t go into labor on my own before my due date he would induce me on my due date.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacumn thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they latter changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
This is a really long post so I will post part two of this story tomorrow and get into why I made the decision to place her and things like that. Hope everyone is having a great Monday. If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment and I will answer all of them!!!
