Some of you may know that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. I am so excited for her and happy that she is finally getting the family she has wanted for so long so please don’t take this post the wrong way. When I see how happy she is I wish I could have felt that happiness when I was pregnant. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew that she wasn’t meant for me and that I was going to place her for adoption. I never got to be excited that I was pregnant. I see women that are so excited and I wish that my pregnancy could have been like that. I was so sad the whole time because I knew what the end out come as going to be. It is hard to explain what it is like being pregnant and knowing that after you give birth that you are going to walk away and place your child with another family. I also wonder if it would be harder to place a child for adoption if you didn’t know from the start that is what you were going to do. I don’t regret placing her for adoption but I wish things were different while I was pregnant.
I have been thinking about volunteering to help out other birth moms that have placed their children or are going to be placing them. While I was pregnant I attended a support group that was held at the agency I went through. I went through a agency that is run by a church and I think there need to be more groups for birth moms to go. I know that some people wouldn’t be comfortable attending the group I did because of the ties to the church. I just see such a need for birth moms to have a place to go and take to others who know how they feel.
People see how I am now and get frustrated because they aren’t were I am. What they don’t understand is my daughter is now 6 years old and I have had people to talk to about it all. Now that being said people don’t know that I can’t look at her baby pictures because they make me cry. I have her pictures when she is older framed and on my walls but I can’t bring out her baby pictures because they make me sad. I am sorry this post is all over but I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately and I hope I can find a way to help other birth moms.
I was only fifteen going on sixteen when I met my baby’s father. I had a troubling childhood and was failing high school. Nick had a troubled childhood with his mom and dad never being there, dropping out of high school when he was only sixteen. When he walked into my life I felt everything was gonna be better, due to us having a similar pasts. We were “dating” for about three months when his mom left him for some guy she had met on the Internet and left Nick with his step-dad and to fend for himself. I begged my mom for him to move in with us due to him really not having a home. She really didn’t like the idea at all but made rules and regulations that I guess she assumed we would follow. We were young and in “love” and never followed my mothers rules that she had set when he did move in. He would sneak into my room late at night (he was supposed to sleep on the couch) and we always snuck out together even though it was against my mothers rules.
Months flew by like nothing and I kept falling further behind in school because all my time was with him and I could have cared less about school. I finally told my mom I was going to drop out of high school and just get a full time job, which I did down the street at Dairy Queen. A week later (kinda weird right?) I started not feeling right. I woke up morning and was throwing up, I couldn’t control it and did it all day. My mom knew something wasn’t right and took me straight to the doctor in which they made me pee in a cup then took my blood. When the doctor came in and said ” I got some not so good news for you.” My mom and I both looked at each other with a blank stare. And I said ” what is the news.” The doctor said ” your pregnant.” I flipped out and all I could do was cry. This isn’t at all what I wanted and I was too young. When we got back to our house I told Nick and he didn’t even know what to say. We were sitting on the porch that night and I will never forget that night my mom told me “everything happens for a reason.” Two months had passed by without even thinking what was growing in my stomach, my mom thought that it would be better if we moved closer to our family so that they could help. A month later my brother came down and helped us pack the U Haul to move to South Carolina. Nick and I had talked all about this day, a week before he proposed. The deal was he would stay in Missouri and I would go with my mom and eventually he would move to South Carolina too.
When we moved here my mom looked into homes for young girls that are pregnant and not knowing what they want. The first home I moved into I liked but it had its pros and cons just like everything else. Its pros were it got me into cpcc to get my GED and con it was like a prison. You had to do everything when they said to do it. Just a pretty strict place for girls that are already uncertain about things and uncomfortable about the situation that they are in. So I told my mom about everything that was going on and she looked into other homes mean while looking into adoption agencies (I did not know about this).
My mom called one day and told me she had a surprise for me and that I needed to be ready in thirty minutes, I was all excited till we pulled up in front of an adoption agency. We went in and this girl with a really positive attitude and big red hair greeted us. We went into her office and needless to say I had nothing to say to this woman because this was kinda forced on me. About a week later I met the director of another maturity home even though I was seven months pregnant I still was unsure about what I wanted to do with my unborn child, so they took me in. Once again I was faced with this women with a positive attitude and big red hair. After a couple of weeks sitting there and going through the options I did have I went out to lunch with the big red haired lady. We had a really good conversation and she never forced me into a decision she just told me the pros about adoption and all of its options. I figured out that even if I placed my unborn child with someone that I could have contact, a little, or none at all but the decision was all up to me in which I chose an open adoption because I felt I wanted him to still know that this decision out of love and not because I didn’t love him.
After careful consideration and knowing that I had to think of my unborn child and not myself, went to my moms that weekend and got onto the adoption agencies website and looked at families and chose three that I would look at there scrapbook (what makes them , there family life, just everything about them. ) So I went to the office and looked over all the scrapbooks and the nice positive attitude big red hair lady said I pulled this one for you to. So I had four to choose from and I narrowed it down to two, Ryder’s (my son) family is the first I had a meeting with and after our three hour questions back and forth conversation, I knew they were the ones that would raise my unborn child. Ryder’s mom from there on out was at every doctors appointment. We found out I was getting induced on the 19th and we would all meet at the hospital on the 20th. After one full night of them trying to get me to go into labor, I was tired and really hungry and young I asked my doctor if he could just do a c-section. He really didn’t want to do it because I was so young and he believed it was the medicine talking instead of the real Ericka but he did it anyways. Ryder Hayden was born on December 21,2005 at 4:22 pm 9 lbs 6 oz and 21 inches long. Even though I was in recovery for two and a half hours his mom and dad got to meet him right away because of my mom. I remember the next three days were really getting to know his mom and dad letting them get to know there son which was such a pleasure. Seeing the look on there faces was priceless and I’m so glad still to this day that i was able to give them a gift so priceless.
I remember the night before we all went home which was the hardest night of the whole thing not because I was upset with my decision but because I knew I was giving him the best life he could ever imagine. We all went home on December 24th. He will be six this year and I still cant believe how much time has flown but I would never go back on my decision. I have loved every moment of being able to call and get his updates and being able to talk to him when he wants to. I love getting the new pictures of him just to see how much he has grown and he is actually starting to look like his parents. (Crazy right?) I haven’t seen Ryder in a couple of years because I felt like I should let them live there life and he know because of his parents that he is adopted and I know when the time is right we will be able to see each other again.
It all started when I was 16 yearsold. I was working at McDonalds at thetime. An absolutely gorgeous guy walkedin, and I thought that I just had to know him. I had one of my co-workers deliver my pager number (this was beforeeveryone had a cell phone) to him and I figured that was probably going to bethe end of it. Well, to my surprise, hepaged me later that day. I was soexcited that a guy that looked that good could possibly be interested in plain littleold me. We started going out and I wasbeyond thrilled. He turned 20 not longafter we started dating. My mom wasn’treally thrilled with the idea of me dating someone that much older, but I,being a dumb teenager, thought it was great.
After a couple of weeks of someheavy duty dating, the moment came when we took things to the next level. We were both very stupid and not reallyconcerned about the consequences of our actions. That one time was all it took for me to getpregnant. I remember sitting in thebathroom staring at the test with its positive result. I was so scared. I immediately started crying. How could I have let this happen? I brought a phone into the bathroom and triedcalling Sperm-man (that is what he shall be known as, from now on). He didn’t answer, right away so I had tothink of what to do next. I eventuallywas able to get him on the phone, and told him the news. His reaction was one of surprise. We knew we had some serious talking todo. I knew that I needed to tell my mom,but I just couldn’t do it right away. The next morning, before I left for school, I asked my mom if she wascoming home right after work. She askedme why I needed to know. I said that Ihad something to tell her. Well, sheconvinced me to tell her then. Needlessto say, neither of us had a very good day. Then the time came for me to tell my dad. Talk about a scary situation. We called him that night, and of course hewas extremely disappointed. As far as hewas concerned, my only options were abortion or adoption. I, on the other hand, knew that my PrinceCharming (aka Sperm-man) and I were going to raise this baby together and livehappily ever after. Um….well, that isn’tquite how things worked out.
Sperm-man and I continued to seeeach other until I was about 4 months pregnant. He then decided to move on to one of the biggest floozies that the worldhas ever known. They moved to CAtogether, which is where he learned that she really wasn’t a good choice. I was still determined to raise this baby,with or without his help. I got a crib,changing table, bassinet, and other various items. I was going to make this work.
Then one morning, about a month orso before my due date, I woke up and thought about what a bad situation I wasgoing to be putting this baby in if I continued with my selfish thoughts aboutmotherhood. I was a junior in highschool, with a year and a half left before graduation. I was also working full-time at BaskinRobbins after school and on weekends. The only time I would get to see my baby was for the short time beforeschool, and after work. That wouldn’t befair at all. I also wasn’t exactlymaking the big bucks at my job, and babies sure aren’t cheap. I sat down and wrote a list of pros andcons. The cons outnumbered the pros. I loved this baby in my tummy far too much toput her into this less than desirable situation. She deserved more. She deserved a mommy AND daddy to loveher. She deserved to be raised where shewould never want for anything. She deservedto be treated like the princess that she was. She did not deserve to be raised by a babysitter so that her teenage momcould try to prove that she could make this work. I told my mom of my thoughts and what Ineeded to do. We contacted an adoptionagency that was referred to us by a friend. I met with a caseworker, and not long after, I got to look at some familyprofiles. I instantly fell in love withone family. They had already adopted alittle girl, so my baby was going to have a big sister! It all felt so right. There wasn’t a whole lot of time to waste, soa short while later, I got to meet with the prospective parents. The meeting went really well. I showed them my ultrasound video and we tookturns asking each other lots of questions. I decided that they were theright family for my baby, and tried to focus on the realization that this babywas not going to be just my little girl anymore.
My due date came and went and shestill hadn’t made her appearance. 6 dayslater, she decided it was time to enter the world. She was born mid-afternoon, but we didn’tcall the adoptive parents right away. Iknew that my time with her was limited, and I honestly wasn’t ready toshare. I spent every possible secondwith her and had her with me all night. We called them the next morning to let them know that she was finallyhere. They drove up to see her and weall hung out in my hospital room until the last possible second I could bethere. We didn’t actually leave the roomuntil just before midnight. I got tohold her in the wheelchair as we exited the hospital. Handing her over to them was so unbelievablyhard, but absolutely necessary. I knewshe was going where she belonged and that I was doing what was best forher. My feelings needed to be set asideto ensure she got what she deserved. Iwent back to school 2 weeks later. Idecided to make the most of this decision, and I spoke, for the next few years,to sex-education classes, both junior high and high school, about the consequencesof unprotected sex. Talking was helpful,but at the same time difficult, because I was the only one there who had placeda baby for adoption. The other teensthat were talking had all kept their babies. Again, my feelings needed to be set aside so that I could maybe makesomeone think twice before making the same mistake I did.
The arrangement that I had with the adoptiveparents was for visits several times a year as well as pictures andletters. Well, unfortunately, that waspretty short-lived. I don’t want to sayanything negative about the situation, so I’ll skip over a lot of things. Basically, promises weren’t kept and I had nocontact at all with them from the time she was 4 until this past December, whenI found her on facebook. She is now15. I haven’t actually hugged her sinceshe was 2. I still haven’t had anyactual contact with her, but I have written (via facebook) to her adoptivemother, and have talked to her on the phone once. Things weren’t going smoothly initially, butwe are now on good terms, and I have a way to contact her, which is more than I’vehad in 11 years. I even have pictures ofher now! My firstborn baby girl is absolutely beautiful! She is doing better than I could have ever hopedfor. She is extremely well adjusted, andeven brags about being adopted! I can’twait until the day when I can finally hug her again!!
I havesince gotten married and had 2 kiddos that I get to be a mother to, andwho really hope to someday meet their big sister. Being a mother, when you’re ready, is thebest thing in the world! I now have ahusband that accepts me, drama and all, kids who think I’m the best mommy inthe world (not that they have anything to compare to), and the peace in knowingthat I made the absolute best decision for my first daughter. The years that passed where I didn’t knowanything about her were beyond excruciating. I was always worried and wondering if she was okay. I couldn’t understand why I was pushedaside. Now that I know that she hasn’tsuffered at all and is doing amazingly well, I am at peace.
All I can say is that this story is it broke me heart! I hate when people treat children like they are pawns. I also get pissed off when people say they don’t want a their child then all of the sudden change their minds. Read this story and leave her some love in the comments! I will forward her any comments that she recieves.
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I was connected with J through a surrogacy company I volunteered/worked for. I had been helping S with her business for a little while, and had wanted to be a surrogate for a long time, so it seemed perfect. The process was very simple. J was from China but living in the states. S and I met J and set everything up almost immediately. Though J said he was single, I knew he was gay and that was okay with me. I just wanted to help him become a father. He wanted a child more than anything.
I got pregnant right away and had a very early miscarriage. Though my doctor suggested waiting a few weeks, J and S were both very impatient and talked me into doing insems again right away. I got pregnant with Ling. Things were great, I love being pregnant and knowing I could help someone out just made me feel amazing. I talked to J every day on the phone, and S a few times a week. We all kept in touch via text, phone, and email and had a great relationship. J came out to my 6 week appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. He was just beside himself. I knew he was going to be a great dad.
At my 20 week ultrasound, I had to wait until after I was out of the hospital to use my phone because it had no service inside the building. I literally ran outside to call him. I was so excited!! He was having a healthy baby girl. I told the ultrasound tech my story and she gave me twice as many pictures! When I called J, I said “IT’S A GIRL!! A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!”. He told me he was busy and he would have to call me back, and then he hung up before what he said could even register…
I never got a call back from him. When I called him, he would hit ignore. He stopped responding to my texts. He had joked that he wanted a boy, but I just knew he would be happy with a girl. Well, I was wrong. To make a long story as short as possible, J did not want a girl. More specifically, his family back in China would disown him if he had a girl. I obviously found this out late in the process, but I figured they’d get over it if they saw the ultrasound pictures. So I scanned them in and emailed them to him, congratulating him yet again.
When it had been a week with no contact, I contacted S to find out what in the world was going on. She told me she had been in contact with J and he didn’t want the baby.
He didn’t want his baby.
Now, to back track a bit, I used my eggs and his sperm to conceive this pregnancy. So the baby was biologically mine, but I was a hired surrogate so she was not “mine” to keep. It was a long process but he ended up calling and talking to me and telling me to keep “it”. He never ever referred to her as “her”. Ever. He always said “it”. He said he would pay me the rest of what he owed me, per the surrogacy agreement, and I could keep it (Ling).
I was a single mom of 3 little girls at the time, and was in no position to take on a fourth. Plus, I hadn’t even considered her my little girl up until this point. I talked to my mom and we came up with a plan: she was struggling as well so she said we could move in together and help each other out. We did just that. I started getting prepared to bring Ling home. I explained to my daughters that Ling was in fact their sister and we might be bringing her home with us. I always said might, and rarely mentioned it, because I didn’t want to confuse them and nothing was set in stone.
When I was about 7 months along, I was contacted by J’s lawyer. I was told that he wanted the baby. I of course said no way, but legally I was bound by our contract. He could get out of it (he had stopped paying me my compensation at this point), but I couldn’t. All along, S was on his side with everything. She said if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn’t getting any compensation. I told her that was fine… and like I said, just kept getting ready to bring Ling home. There was a lot of work to do and a little time to do it.
I got a lawyer at this point because J’s lawyer wouldn’t leave me alone. It was hard to find a lawyer with no money and a surrogacy case in my state (there are no laws on surrogacy here and only two lawyers in the state that will touch it). The lawyer I got was an angel, an amazing woman. She didn’t charge me a thing, and helped me every step of the way.
However, because of my state’s laws, I had to relinquish Ling. The choices were send her to J, or find an adoptive family for her. I looked at adoptive family profiles and settled on one – a single woman from New York. This woman lit up in all of her pictures. When I laid eyes on her, I knew she was meant to be Ling’s mom. As hard as it was, I knew that’s how it had to be. I contacted this woman right away and we met, went shopping, and just felt like best friends. We emailed a few times a day, and just got to know each other as quickly as possible.
She flew in from her home state when I was in labor, and was in the delivery room. It was a magical experience for her.
After Ling was born, I didn’t want to let her go. It was the hardest feeling in the world to explain. I knew she wasn’t meant to be mine, but I had carried her for 9 months… I had a nursery for her at home… it was like my baby was being stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Ling’s mom stayed in the hospital in another room, and Ling slept in there with her. I got to hold her for a few hours before it was time to leave. I wasn’t even in the hospital for 24 hours after I had her. I wanted to get out of there and go crawl in a hole and hide, but I had 3 little girls counting on me so I couldn’t do that. I held Ling, took pictures (wish I would’ve taken more), and took a few videos. My girls got to hold her, and that was that… my mom took them out to the car and I had to hand Ling over to her mom. I truly thought I was going to die of a broken heart at that point. I nearly passed out, couldn’t breathe because I was crying so hard when I watched her walk away with my baby.
My baby.
She just walked away and there was nothing I could do about it. They made me sit in a wheel chair and calm down for a little while, and then a nurse walked me to my car. I don’t remember much after that… it’s all a blur really. We went to court the next day so I could relinquish my rights. I had to sit up on the stand and tell the judge that I realized I was “voluntarily” (yeah right) terminating my rights and it could not be undone. Oh god… what I’d do to take those words back. There was nothing I could do. If I wouldn’t have said those words, I just would’ve been in court with J. I didn’t want him to end up with her, and he most likely would have. So I did what I had to do for Ling, and I gave her to her adoptive mother. I always look back and wish I could change it but the truth is, my life is great right now and so is hers. It’s a shame we can’t spend it together but that’s the hand we were dealt. I just hope she understands when she is older, and knows it wasn’t a choice I ever would have made willingly.
I was barely 18 in 1975 when I gave up my son. I live in Alberta, Canada and at the time the Alberta Government looked after adoptions. I came from a supportive family and my parents said they would stick by me and my decision. I knew from early on in my pregnancy that I would give up my son for adoption. The father of my son was not in the picture. I wanted him to have every chance with 2 parents. In 2004, the Alberta Government opened up all adoption records. Unfortunately there was quite a backlog and only 2 people assigned to work on this large task. I was already on the registry but called to get an application. It took a long time and I had heard nothing. I called in March or April only to find out I hadn’t filled out the papers correctly. The papers were sent back to me to fill in again. After filling out the forms again, I resent them. I waited and waited and by August I went to my member of parliament to get some help.
By September 26, 2005, my son’s 30th birthday they arrived in the mail. I was overwhelmed at seeing for the first time, my son’s name was Steven. I didn’t know what to do so I called my older sister and she told me to search for phone numbers and start calling. I found names on the computer in Canada 411 (a telephone white pages on line) I only made four calls and the fourth call was to Steven’s aunt. She didn’t let on that she was related and wished me luck on my quest. She called her brother (Steve’s Dad as she had call display) and he called Steve and Steve called me. I asked him if it was his birthday and he said yes. I told him who I was and asked him if he had a good life. He said he had and asked me the same. I have had a great life and better now that I found you. I told him I always knew we would meet someday and I was thrilled. I had moved to Calgary which is 180 miles south of Edmonton, where he was born, in Jan 1979. It turns out Steve family moved to Calgary that same year. We lived close by each other for a few years. Steve only worked a couple of blocks from my work. I met his parents and adopted sister as well. We all went to dinner. My son Tony and I were invited to his wedding and his mom introduced us to her 12 siblings. It was very emotional. I told Steve’s Dad that I couldn’t have made a better choice for parents. He said that the children never once gave them any trouble. Steve has been married now for 2 years and they are expecting their first child. Unfortunately his Dad passed away 6 months after the wedding. We now look forward to the birth. I am blessed!
You are only a Newborn Baby at this time you rely on me for many things. You trust that when you cry I will care for your needs, whether they be feeding or changing, or even just letting you know that you’re not alone. As I cradle your little body I can’t help but feel of the tenderness and sweetness of your spirit. Your needs are so simple right now. Someday though, you will have to face the world. At that time, you will rely on me to help show you the way.
The world can sometimes be an ugly place. I would teach you to see the beauty that we often times just don’t take the time to notice. To take a moment to notice the brilliance of colors staining Florida clouds at dusk. To walk barefoot through dew covered grass. To play follow-the-leader with a butterfly as it dances from flower to flower.
I would teach you to love your fellowmen. Whether black or white, your orientation, short or tall, big or small, all of these are children of God, and thus, your brothers and sisters. Find the goodness in them. Extend your arms to them, encircling them in love and kindness. Learn to truly love them by serving them. It is through service that your heart will fully open to those who you might otherwise despise.
I would teach you to show gratitude, for there is much in life to be thankful for. If we fail to give thanks, then we begin to become apathetic. On the other hand, when we show gratitude we begin to see just how blessed our lives truly are.
I would teach you to always continue learning. It is through learning that the world continues to better itself. Lack of education lends hand to poverty, to crime, hate, and violence; all things ugly are a form of ignorance. Likewise, all that is beautiful can only be appreciated when one knows how to appreciate it.
I would teach you to love yourself. You are a daughter or son; of God, and that makes your spirit; one of nobility. Always remember who you are. You are of great worth. You, my daughter or son, have a work to do on this earth, a work that only you can accomplish. Through knowing who you are you can learn to love yourself. Then you will never want to do anything that would keep you from your potential.
I would teach you to search out your talents and gifts and then use these to better the lives of yourself, your family, and your community. Each of us have these gifts. Whether it is the ability to sing well, or having the ability to make another happy, these are all talents. By using our talents we will continue to develop them more fully and increase the joy in our lives.
I would teach you to develop virtuous attributes. Honesty, integrity, diligence, these are all virtues that are not always easy to obtain, but they help us to keep a clear conscience.
Above all, I would teach you to seek for truth. Search with not only your mind, but also your heart and when truth is found hold to it. Never let go. My greatest hope is that you will have peace and joy in your life. I would teach you that truth will bring you happiness.
We are only just beginning our quest through life together. I don’t know what lies ahead for us. I do know, however, that as a mother I will make mistakes and that as a daughter or son; you will sometimes be angry with me. At times you will be hurt by the things of the world and I may not be able to remove that pain. Sometimes, I may feel as if I have failed you.
I suppose this is all part of motherhood. Yet, if I can help make your path through this world more joyful, if I can help you find true happiness, even though you may receive some bumps and bruises along the way, then I will know that I have been successful as a mother.
You life has only begun, but let me show you a sunset…
