Month: April 2011

Written By A Teenage Birth Mother

Written by a Teenage Birth Mother

I had a secret that I knew, for a time, I must hide
A treasure I hugged to me, buried deep inside.
I knew I couldn’t hide it for terribly long,
but I wanted to delay hearing, my joy was wrong.
But I stood up for us when I might’ve ran,
And hoped we’d be treated with a kind hand.
There were some who wanted to, but couldn’t;
Then ones that could but thought they shouldn’t.
So I went out on my own and gave it my best,
I worked and worked with very little rest.
I paid my rent, and bought my food,
And went to the doctor just like I should.
I was a child in a harsh world and so naive
I was such an innocent and I believed
I could raise this child of my body and heart
That nothing could happen to keep us apart.
Then I felt the flutter of my joy and I would sing
To him of love and ponies and other sweet things.
He sang to my soul too in a whispery voice
And that’s when I started to question my choice.
My heart burned with love, fear and shame
As I thought all I could give him was love and a name.
I wanted a life for him I knew I couldn’t give
I wanted a chance for him to honestly live.
Ignoring my heart’s screams, I signed on the line,
patting his butt in my tummy, saying it’s going to be fine.
I continued to sing to him though it was bittersweet,
But hoped it would help him remember me, until we meet.
It was harder than what I imagine death could be,
Trying to remember he was someone else’s baby,
I wasn’t allowed to touch or hold him when he was born,
And my heart cracked and bled as I cried and mourned.
I thought I was a bad mom and selfish to miss him so,
That my reasons were sound and I should let him go.
So I squared my shoulders and I went on
Though I never forgot or stopped loving my son.
Cathy Kerns, © 1982

Photobucket

To Her Birthmother

To Her Birthmother

You gave her birth
We’ll give her life
You gave her todays
We’ll give her tomorrows
You gave her race
We’ll give her identity
You gave her heritage
We’ll give her future
You gave her possibilities
We’ll give her potentials
You gave her up
We’ll have to let go
You dream of her future
We’ll work hard for your dreams to come true
You gave her hope
We will too.
Tom Fisher – “I am now the proud father of two adopted daughters, both are from China. Our second adoption was in February of this year.”
© April 17, 2006

Photobucket

Forever Is A Lie

When you were just a baby,
I had to say goodbye.
Although many years have passed,
My tears have yet to dry.
My precious little baby,
I may have said goodbye,
But goodbye was not forever,
Forever was a lie.
And so it is I’ve searched for you,
Throughout the lonely years.
Hoping that I’d find you,
So I could wipe away your tears.
And tell you, my sweet baby,
Something you should know.
If I’d had that choice again,
I’d have never let you go.
To my daughter, Karen.
With all my love,
Dianne, Your Birth Mom,
September 17, 1997.

Photobucket

A Phone Call I Wish Hadn’t Happened

Mama’s Losin’ It

I haven’t written anything for the writers workshop in awhile and one of the topics this week jumped out at me and just had to write about it.  I picked #3-A Phone Call You Won’t Forget.  Funny enough the one phone call I will never forget was from my mom after she received a letter from me.  After I had my daughter I decided that I wanted to find her and see if she wanted to be in my life.  I took months of me searching and paying websites to try and find her.  I got an address and decided that I would write to it and if it wasn’t her then oh well and if it was then I would see what happened.

I was on my way to work and my started ringing.  I usually don’t answer out of state numbers but since my husband is a truck driver I wasn’t sure if it was him or not.  After I said hello she literally said “Hi, this is your mom”.   I literally just sat there because I didn’t know what to say.  We talked for about 20 mins or so.    She told me that she was so glad that I found her because she was leaving it up to me if I wanted her in my life.  She didn’t want to just show up and upset my life. 

I wonder why has changed from that first conversation and now. 
I wonder what would have happened if I just ignored her phone call and let it go to voicemail. 
I wonder what would have happened if she had  gotten the letter that I wrote to her and just thrown it away. 
I wonder where I would be if I had just left well enough alone and left her in my past which is where I think she wants to be anyway.

——————————————————————
Photobucket

Photobucket

Dear Birth Mother

You gave a gift,
A brand-new life,
Tiny and sweet,
A blessing indeed.
A baby girl,
Precious and small,
An answer to prayer,
No joy can compare.
No more empty arms,
I’m thrilled like no other.
You chose life and
Made me a mother.
Thank you so much
For this precious gift,
For being God’s answer
to my prayers and tears.

© Copyright Karen Ledbetter. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission from Real Moms website
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/realmoms

Photobucket

Mom . . .

I have been thinking a lot about my own daughter and it has made me think about my own mom.  I have to wonder how my mom can treat me like she does.  I know I could never do what she is doing to me to Brita.  I can’t wrap my head around a mother not caring about her kids.  I understood about her not looking for me but since I have found her she wants nothing to do with us.  I thought mothers loved their children and would want a relationship with them.  I don’t understand how she can just turn off her love for me and my brother.  How do could she just walk away when I was 8 and never come back?  Its like she has just forgotten about us and is able to pretend we don’t exist. 

When I called her on this stuff she told me I didn’t have to mean!?!?!?  Funny thing about it is that I wasn’t mean to her I was just being honest with her and telling her how I feel.  As I read through my email I guess I can see how she thought I was being rude but in the end all I was doing is saying how I felt and she didn’t understand that. As I read through her response back to me it seemed like a whole bunch of excuses.  She is always blaming it on everyone but herself.  What sucks is the fact that since she sent that last email I haven’t heard from her once. I was going to included the actual emails but now that I am thinking about it I have decided that I am going to take them out only because I am hurt and I might regret putting them in the post one day.  I know this post has rambled and probably talked about the same things over and over again but like I always say “This is my blog take it or leave it!”. 

For all you parents out their how do you forget you have 2 children????

——————————————————————–
Photobucket

Photobucket