Archives for April 2011

More By Matthew West



New Design

As you can tell I have redone my design again.  That is the bad thing about learning how to design my own blogs.  Now I can change it up as often as I want to.  This design is super bright and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I may end up changing some of the colors up tonight so that isn’t so bright but who knows.  Those that know me know that it will change soon enough because I get bored easily.  If you have any ideas on a theme I should do next let me know.  I am always looking for new themes and new graphics to use.

I wrote a letter to the lady that adopted my daughter on Friday.  My curiosity got the best of me and I am curious as to what she is like now and what she looks like.  Since I sent the email I find myself checking my emails all the time.  I hope they write back but I have to wonder if they will write back or if they will just ignore it and pretend that they never received the email.  I wonder how people who placed their kids for adoption when things were so closed how they managed and dealt with it.  If it was still closed like that I don’t know that I could have place my daughter.  I am so thankful that things are more open with most adoptions anymore.  I also know that they don’t have to talk to me anymore.  I hope I hear from them but I will understand if they don’t write me back.  I made me decision when she was bored and now the rest of the choices are made by them and her when she gets older.

I am still looking for people who are in need of a blog design.  If you know of someone or would like one yourself let me know.   I am going to be hosting a giveaway for a free design as well.  Right now I can only design blogs that are hosted by Blogger but if you know someone who uses wordpress or any other host let me know and I can get their information to the lady that taught me all I know.



NES Check In

It has been a few weeks since I have done an update on my eating disorder.  For the most part i have done okay.  For some reason though Saturday nights are super bad for me.  I always end up eating all night long.  It is better than when I used to do it all night long every night but it is still frustrating that I can’t stop doing it.  I hope in time that I will be able to beat this disease. 

I was going to update how my weight loss is going but I can tell you that I haven’t done well with my diet and losing weight these past few weeks.  I am going to start either walking at night or doing a work out dvd each night.  I am think since it is nice out there most night that I am going to either go walk on the river like I used to or I am going to walk the route I used to walk in the neighborhood. 

That is all I have for today!  I hope everyone has had a great Easter!



My Story

I watched the Lifetime movie called “Pregnancy Pact” last night and it really got me thinking about teen pregnancy and about my story of getting pregnant and placing the baby for adoption.  I decided that I will give you that story today since it is on my mind and I am having trouble writing my post on the MS.  Don’t worry I am still working on it.  It is just going to take a little longer than what I thought it was going to.

Anyway here is my story.

I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University.  I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing.  I was living in the apartment style dorms and lets just say the year started out bad.  I should have just moved off campus like Carrie my roommate from my freshman year.  The first apartment I was in that year was with freshman and lets just say it was hard because they wanted to party and I had a really tough class that I needed to study for so after things got really bad I asked to move.  In the mean time I had started to see a guy and lets just say that I didn’t wait long before I slept with him for the first time.

I moved into a new apartment with two girls that turned out to be drug addicts and one of them ended up over dosing the day before Thanksgiving but I am getting ahead of myself. After I moved in that apartment I got pregnant.  I found out because I was so sick that I went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me.  They ran a pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant.  I already knew I was at that point but I just didn’t want to admit to it. In fact I knew the night it happened that I was.

The rest of that semester is still fuzzy to me.  I can remember telling my grandma the night I got out of the hospital on the phone and she basically told me that I should place the baby.  The funny thing about that is that I already knew I was going to do that I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone else for a long time.  I started going to LDS Family Services because it was free and they had a support group for girls that were pregnant and not married.

After the semester ended I moved home because I couldn’t deal with the stress of school and my roommate over dosing anymore.  While I was at home I was working two jobs and taking an online class.  In January I started looking for profiles of couples that were looking to adopt.  The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought.  This is where the story get weird to say the least.  Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them.  One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out.  I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.

In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either down syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18.  Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those.  After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.

After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them.  Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well.  I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that  she needed to try everything that she could to make it work.  After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was ok with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.

This was such a relief for me.  After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them.  While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant.  I was due July 7th and it was hot and tiring be pregnant during the summer.  I went in to the doctors a week before I was due and he said that if I didn’t go into labor on my own before my due date he would induce me on my due date.

Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own.  I was in labor for about 12 hours or so.  When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born.  They ended up having to use the vacumn thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.

Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they latter changed to Brita.  There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy??  Did I do the right thing????  Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption????  I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
Part 2
I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live.  Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her.  I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self.  Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away.  I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.

I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family.  I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it.  I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me.  I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away.  Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them.  That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time.  To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks.  I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing.  I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me.  It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier.  Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure. 

Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing.  Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing.  I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption.  In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child.  I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.

I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me.  Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry?  I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it.  I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her.  Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it.  Ok I will get off my soap box now.  Sorry I got side tracked.

I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her.  If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies.  I want people to know that anyone can do it.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done.  Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts.  I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.

After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all.   I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not.  I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do.   I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids.  Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all.

This post is all over but that is how my brain works.  Hope it makes some sense to everyone.  If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!

Adoption Myths

I found these myths and thought it would be a good idea to share them because I am sure most people aren’t totally informed on adoption and how it works!
Most birth mothers who place their babies for adoption are teenagers.
Most birth mothers who choose adoption are in their early twenties, although women of all ages make this decision.
Birth parents who place their babies for adoption are abandoning their responsibility and taking the “easy way out.”
There is no easy way out of unplanned pregnancy; any option involves emotional pain. Most birth mothers who do not choose abortion make the choice initially to parent their babies. Those who choose adoption do so after taking some time to carefully consider their options and the best interests of their child. Adoption is a courageous, loving choice which shows that the birth mother takes seriously the responsibility to be a parent.
An adoptive parent cannot love a child as much as a biological parent can.
Love is not based on biology. Many loving relationships are between individuals who are not related to each other, such as husbands and wives. The love of a parent comes from preparing for a child and selflessly nurturing and caring for that child.
A birth mother can reclaim her child after adoption.
Once a birth mother’s rights have been terminated, she cannot reclaim her child. Cases of birth parents obtaining custody after adoption are extremely rare and are exaggerated by the media.
After a child has been placed, a birth mother cannot have any contact with the child.
Adoption practices have changed over the years. Today most birth mothers have some contact with their children. Arrangements are agreed upon by the birth mother and the adoptive parents and are based upon the needs and desires of all concerned.
Children who were adopted are more likely to have physical or emotional challenges.
It is impossible to predict how any child will turn out, whether biological or adopted. Generally, children who were adopted as infants are as emotionally healthy as children who were not adopted. Children who were adopted when older may have challenges resulting from adverse conditions in their early lives, such as neglect, abuse, or lack of attachment. These challenges do not result from the adoption itself.
Birth mothers never recover from the emotional pain of placing a child for adoption.
Birth mothers who choose adoption go through a grieving process, which is a healthy way of dealing with loss. But most birth mothers also report finding peace in the knowledge that they did all in their power to provide the best life possible for their child. They find that the experience gives them the strength and confidence to face other challenges throughout their lives.

I found these at:

Digiprove sealCopyright secured by Digiprove © 2014 Margaret Margaret

Adoption Terms

Here are some adoption terms that I found off the website of the agency that I used.

Negative Terms Preferred Terms
Gave up her child for adoption Placed her child for adoption
Real parent; natural parent Birth parent, biological parent
Adoptive parent Parent
His adopted child His child
Illegitimate Born to unmarried parents
Adoptee Child who was adopted
To keep To parent
Adoptable child; available child Waiting child
Foreign adoption International adoption
Track down parents Search
Unwanted child Child placed for adoption
Is adopted Was adopted


Written By A Teenage Birth Mother

Written by a Teenage Birth Mother

I had a secret that I knew, for a time, I must hide
A treasure I hugged to me, buried deep inside.
I knew I couldn’t hide it for terribly long,
but I wanted to delay hearing, my joy was wrong.
But I stood up for us when I might’ve ran,
And hoped we’d be treated with a kind hand.
There were some who wanted to, but couldn’t;
Then ones that could but thought they shouldn’t.
So I went out on my own and gave it my best,
I worked and worked with very little rest.
I paid my rent, and bought my food,
And went to the doctor just like I should.
I was a child in a harsh world and so naive
I was such an innocent and I believed
I could raise this child of my body and heart
That nothing could happen to keep us apart.
Then I felt the flutter of my joy and I would sing
To him of love and ponies and other sweet things.
He sang to my soul too in a whispery voice
And that’s when I started to question my choice.
My heart burned with love, fear and shame
As I thought all I could give him was love and a name.
I wanted a life for him I knew I couldn’t give
I wanted a chance for him to honestly live.
Ignoring my heart’s screams, I signed on the line,
patting his butt in my tummy, saying it’s going to be fine.
I continued to sing to him though it was bittersweet,
But hoped it would help him remember me, until we meet.
It was harder than what I imagine death could be,
Trying to remember he was someone else’s baby,
I wasn’t allowed to touch or hold him when he was born,
And my heart cracked and bled as I cried and mourned.
I thought I was a bad mom and selfish to miss him so,
That my reasons were sound and I should let him go.
So I squared my shoulders and I went on
Though I never forgot or stopped loving my son.
Cathy Kerns, © 1982


To Her Birthmother

To Her Birthmother

You gave her birth
We’ll give her life
You gave her todays
We’ll give her tomorrows
You gave her race
We’ll give her identity
You gave her heritage
We’ll give her future
You gave her possibilities
We’ll give her potentials
You gave her up
We’ll have to let go
You dream of her future
We’ll work hard for your dreams to come true
You gave her hope
We will too.
Tom Fisher – “I am now the proud father of two adopted daughters, both are from China. Our second adoption was in February of this year.”
© April 17, 2006


Forever Is A Lie

When you were just a baby,
I had to say goodbye.
Although many years have passed,
My tears have yet to dry.
My precious little baby,
I may have said goodbye,
But goodbye was not forever,
Forever was a lie.
And so it is I’ve searched for you,
Throughout the lonely years.
Hoping that I’d find you,
So I could wipe away your tears.
And tell you, my sweet baby,
Something you should know.
If I’d had that choice again,
I’d have never let you go.
To my daughter, Karen.
With all my love,
Dianne, Your Birth Mom,
September 17, 1997.


A Phone Call I Wish Hadn’t Happened

Mama’s Losin’ It

I haven’t written anything for the writers workshop in awhile and one of the topics this week jumped out at me and just had to write about it.  I picked #3-A Phone Call You Won’t Forget.  Funny enough the one phone call I will never forget was from my mom after she received a letter from me.  After I had my daughter I decided that I wanted to find her and see if she wanted to be in my life.  I took months of me searching and paying websites to try and find her.  I got an address and decided that I would write to it and if it wasn’t her then oh well and if it was then I would see what happened.

I was on my way to work and my started ringing.  I usually don’t answer out of state numbers but since my husband is a truck driver I wasn’t sure if it was him or not.  After I said hello she literally said “Hi, this is your mom”.   I literally just sat there because I didn’t know what to say.  We talked for about 20 mins or so.    She told me that she was so glad that I found her because she was leaving it up to me if I wanted her in my life.  She didn’t want to just show up and upset my life. 

I wonder why has changed from that first conversation and now. 
I wonder what would have happened if I just ignored her phone call and let it go to voicemail. 
I wonder what would have happened if she had  gotten the letter that I wrote to her and just thrown it away. 
I wonder where I would be if I had just left well enough alone and left her in my past which is where I think she wants to be anyway.