Letting Go Of Hate

You cannot hate other people without hating your self.
Oprah Winfrey

This has been a super hard post to write.  I think this has been the hardest post I have had to write so far.  I have been working on it on and off for months now and I keep erasing it.  I just can’t seem to find the right words to write what I want to say.  I know how I feel about the subject and what I am trying to say I just can’t get it written down right.  This subject got brought up because I have such strong feeling towards child molesters and people don’t understand why I am trying to let go of the hate for the person that hurt me.  Some people think that I am a hypocrite because I hate people that hurt children but I am still trying to let go of the hate I have been holding for the person that hurt me.  I have come to realize that hating people does nothing to the person you hate.  All it does is poison your soul and make you an angry hateful person.  Now that being said it doesn’t mean letting go of hate is an easy thing to do.  I have a few people that I “hate” and I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive them for what they have done.  I hope one day I will be able to but I can’t be sure if I will or not. 

One of those people is Josh my husband.  I know I need to let go of the hate I have for him but it is so much easier said than done.  I know me being angry and hurt over the fact that he had to pick Christmas day to leave me isn’t doing anything to him.  He gets to go on with his life and it doesn’t affect him.  He probably doesn’t even think about it.  It is so hard for me though because every year the pain comes back.  I wish there were some way to erase the pain so that I could get past it.  I am hoping in time I will be able to forgive him but I am not going to make any promises.

I hope that this post makes sense to everyone.  I am sure that I will post about this topic again!

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
NELSON MANDELA, Autobiography 

TYNT


It is time for another Thank You Note Thursday.  All you have to do is grab the button, write your letters and come back and link up.  These letters can be serious or sarcastic.
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Dear Jacqui,
I can’t thank you enough for teaching me how to design blogs and finding the cat graphic that I have for my design now!  I will never be able to thank you enough.!
Margaret

Dear Followers,
Thank you for following and leaving comments on my posts! It means a lot that you take the time to read and comment on what I write!
Margaret

Dear Idiots,
If you have something to say about me then say it to me!  I am a big girl and can take it or better yet just shut it!!!!!!!!!!!  I won’t take time for idiots and high school games!
Pissed Off Margaret

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

A Rough Time

This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

Thank You Note Thursday


It is time for another Thank You Note Thursday.  All you have to do is grab the button, write your letters and come back and link up.  These letters can be serious or sarcastic.
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Dear Winter,
It is time for you to go away for good!!!!!  I am so tired of the snow and it being so damn cold.  It is now March and I am so done with the snow and the freezing temperatures.  I can only take a few months of winter driving and it is way past that point.  Please leave now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frozen & Snowed In
Dear Rude Callers,
It isn’t my problem that the men I work with don’t answer their phones and/or listen to their voice mails.  If you wanna yell at someone yell at them!!!  I am done getting yelled at for crap that isn’t my fault and having to still be nice after you yell at me!
Pissed Off Receptionist

Men I Work With,
ANSWER YOUR PHONE CALLS & LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE MAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pissed Receptionist

MS & Lyme

This week I am going to talk about how some people are misdiagnosed with MS when they actually have Lyme Disease.  I got the idea for this from a comment that was left on the MS a few weeks ago.  After I read the comment that she left I knew I had to find out more about this.  There is so many reports out about this subject but I have found they are hard to digest and get through.  I am going to post a summary of what I have found on the subject. (Please know that there are reports out there but they hard to understand and I am going to do my best to high light all the interesting things I am reading.  If I get some thing wrong please let me know so I can correct it!)

  • I read where it says that they patients are getting the diagnoses of “probably MS” and not an official diagnoses of MS.  While they are undergoing treatment for MS they aren’t seeing any improvement in their symptoms in fact they may be getting worse.
  • MS and Lyme Disease both attack the central nervous system and leave the same type of lesions on the nerves.
  • One site I read said that people that are treated with steroids may seem like they are getting better but they are actually just having the symptoms of the Lyme Disease masked by the steroids

That is all that I could find about it.  Most of what I could find was articles were patients stories.  I debated about posting the woman’s comment that left on my blog but I decided that I am going to.  If you are reading this and would like me to take it down I will just let me know!
I think that it is worth your while researching Lyme Disease thoroughly.
You will find the blood tests miss 50% of cases.
The MRI scan is the same for Lyme Disease as for MS.
There is research that shows that many patients with MS have a spirochetal infection- which Lyme Disease is.
Treatment for Lyme Disease is antibiotics long term.
Treatment for MS -Steroids is contra indicated for Lyme Disease because it allows the bacterial infection to progress whilst appearing to supress the symptoms.
Tom Grier a microbiologist wrote 4 excellent lectures found in the right hand column of my blog he was also diagnosed with MS and then found it was Lyme Disease and recovered on appropriate antibiotics.

Lyme Disease is an emerging illness and there is much controversy over it so don’t expect much guidance from your neurologist do your own research and good luck.

They do not yet know what causes MS they only assume it is auto immune whilst the controversy rages over Lyme Disease how many MS patients are being missed when just simple antibiotics can restore health.

I know that she says a lot of what I wrote over but she does have other information in there that I think is great as well.  This was one of the hardest MS posts I have written because it was hard to find documentation on this subject because Lyme Disease is a newer condition.  I hope it was somewhat helpful though!

Sources:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/15949/multiple_sclerosis_patients_should.html?cat=5
http://www.google.com/search?q=lyme+disease+and+MS&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&client=firefox-a&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US367

Be Yourself

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The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well. 
Joe Ancis

In my journey through depression treatment, I have encountered many things that frightened me. One of the most frightening has been getting in touch with who I really am, and putting aside the person I presented to the world.

For as long as I can remember I have craved acceptance, approval, and admiration. The catch was that I really believed I had nothing to offer. I was also very afraid of being ridiculed – either in my presence or behind my back. The only way I could think of to guard myself against that kind of harm was to create a fictional character. I thought this pretend version of me was everything I was not. Confident, nice, attractive, smart, happy, and engaging. I was wrong. The false version of me was really plastic and shallow. She was not a real person, therefore, she was incapable of feeling any real emotion.

My motto was “Fake it till you make it“. That attitude was tiring. I had to keep myself wound so tight – hoping none of the real me leaked through. In my mind, one of the worst things that could happen to me was if I relaxed for one moment, and let any part of the real me surface.That fake person guarded my heart – making it easy for me to keep the world (and myself) from being able to see the real me. No one really knew me, including myself.

Eventually, I got too weary – soul weary – to keep presenting the fake me. I was so depressed that the person I could have been was still hidden away – underneath sadness and pain.

We are what we believe we are. ~ C.S. Lewis

The first person I showed the real me to was my counselor. She was safe. Unlike other people, she is trained to not be judgmental. I did not have any worries about what her response to the real me would be. If I went in and said “I feel like crap today.”, her response was usually “Ok, do you want to tell me why?” Other people – who do not have her training – usually responded with advice like “If you would just get out more you would feel better.”

Eventually, the real me – that I was showing the counselor – started showing up in other places. Not often, but often enough for me to realize that life was so much easier as the real me. I became determined to do away with the pretender. There were three key things I did that aided me in that process.

1. I began sharing things about myself with other people. Usually, it was something that I may have not done exactly the right way, however, at the same time it was humorous. I learned that people enjoy hearing some of the silly things I do, and that I do not take myself so seriously that I can’t laugh at myself.
2. I started listening to other people – really hearing what was on their hearts, and minds. I listened without offering advice – unless asked – and let them know that I cared about them.
3. I learned how to relax. Not only by myself, but with other people as well. I found it was impossible to build walls up between myself, and other people when I am truly relaxed.

Who are you? Are you a different person than you allow other people to see? If so, try being yourself for a change.