Pour Your Heart Out

Memories. . .

I have had this post in my drafts for awhile now and I figured today is as good as any to post it.  If you have other memories of Melissa please feel free to leave them and I will add them to this post.

 

Kathy Stricker left this message on Melissa’s Facebook page for me to use.

I remember the first time Melissa wrote on Facebook.  It was beautiful.Melissa really touched my heart.  I could feel her emotions..just flow out of her.  I remember telling her  “you can’t stop you have to keep on writing”.  Melissa was so surprised by my reaction as I was by her response.I told her no..you keep going your Amazing.  I believe in Melissa’s writing she touched all our hearts in a very special way.  Melissa I will miss you so much TYSM for touching my heart & having me in your life…RIP xo

Stacey Burgess– Emailed me this about Melissa

So many of us here at her University were shocked by her passing, and I wanted someone to know that she touched my life just by knowing her.  She was not only determined and motivated to be successful, but she shared so many stories with me of people that she helped through her blog.  We would sit on the phone for hours, forgetting that we were supposed to be talking about her enrollment in school, and instead, laughing and talking about happy times, or discussing life’s tougher situations.  I have admired her strength, and feel that I have learned a lot about life and survival and loving others… just by talking with her.  I want her family to know that Melissa really will live on in the hearts of those, like myself, who she touched.  She was so humble and sweet that she probably never realized how great of an impact she really had on other people!  I will always smile when I think of the talks that we had, and I hope that time, love, laughter, and happy memories can heal the pain that you are all feeling.

Gala Gardiner-Emailed me this about Melissa

I dont’ have a ton of memories.  I recently started following her blog and shared a few emails back and forth.  Saddens me to not be uplifted by her any longer.  She seemed to always have the brightest things to say on the days when I needed it most

David Merriman- He emailed me this about Melissa

I am Melissa’s academic counselor for her psychology program.  I only had a few conversations with Melissa but she struck a chord with me the first time we spoke because of her pride in the advocacy work she was doing through her blog and social networking.  It was clear over the phone how much this work helped her overcome her challenges and how much strength she gained while helping others find their strength.  She was always one of my favorite students to talk to because of her positive energy.

 

It is unfortunate I didn’t get to work with her through to her degree but I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work with her even for a short time.  She is a great example of the amazing things we can accomplish when we resign ourselves to never give up.

If anyone else has any memories please feel free to either email me about them or leave them in the comments and I will update this post.

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Embarassed

I swear if it isn’t one thing it is another thing.  There always seems to be something wrong withme.  I have been doing really well whenit comes to the MS and now I have a new issue. I would much rather deal with the MS that what I have going on now but Iguess I don’t get a choice in all of it.  I think I have psoriasis (I haven’t gone to a doctor for it yet buteverything I have researched leads me to believe that I have it.) Psoriasis isa chronic condition in which the immune systems sends out faulty signals thatmakes the skin cells reproduce faster than they should.  What gets to me is that this is another thingthat my immune system does wrong!!!!  Iam starting to think that they should get rid of my immune system because it iscausing more problems that it is worth. There are several different types of psoriasis and I the one I have iscalled inverse psoriasis.  This type isfound in folds of skin like your armpits, genitals and under breasts.  They say that this type is aggravated mysweat and friction.  Well what in theheck am I supposed to do now???  I guessI can use this as an excuse when doctors tell me I need to exercise.   For me personally the spots that I have areitchy and painful to say the least. Right now I have it under both arms. They are ok on days that I don’t sweat and have my jacket on.  I am glad that work is always cold because Ican wear my jacket and not look like a freak.  They also say that there isprobably a genetic link but as far as I know I am the only one in the familythat has it but we all know that I am always the odd ball.  I think I developed it because of the Tysabrithat I take for MS because of how the drug works it messes with the immunesystem.  I will probably never know forsure what is causing it and it will never go away.  It makes me sad to know that I now have todeal with this disease everyday for the rest of my life.  It embarrasses me to say the least.  I can only imagine what people think if theysee it.  They look like big bug bitesmost of the time except when they get the “scales” looking tops on them.  It is the weirdest thing I have ever seen andonce they start to peel it gets caught on things and hurts then it starts toitch.
Here a few pictures of what it looks like.  I am not posting any pictures of me becauseit is too hard to take pictures of mine because of where they are at.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psoriasis

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Alone

Lately I have been feeling alone and I am not sure what has changed because I am doing the same things I have always done.  I am for the most part a hermit but it usually doesn’t bother me.  I am sure part of it is because I used to have Misti at work to talk with and what not.  Now that they let her go I am the only girl and I just sit at my desk and I don’t have people to really talk to.  I sit at my desk and answer the phones all day without anyone around to talk to.  Then when I get home I go back to my room because I have designs that I need to get done so I am always alone.  Most days being alone wouldn’t bug me but lately it is starting to get to me.  I know I should go out more but I am so tired after work and on the weekends that I don’t want to.  I have never been good at forcing myself to out either. 

This post is super short but it is what I was thinking.  I hope that it makes some sort of sense but if not oh well.

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Letting Go Of Hate

You cannot hate other people without hating your self.
Oprah Winfrey

This has been a super hard post to write.  I think this has been the hardest post I have had to write so far.  I have been working on it on and off for months now and I keep erasing it.  I just can’t seem to find the right words to write what I want to say.  I know how I feel about the subject and what I am trying to say I just can’t get it written down right.  This subject got brought up because I have such strong feeling towards child molesters and people don’t understand why I am trying to let go of the hate for the person that hurt me.  Some people think that I am a hypocrite because I hate people that hurt children but I am still trying to let go of the hate I have been holding for the person that hurt me.  I have come to realize that hating people does nothing to the person you hate.  All it does is poison your soul and make you an angry hateful person.  Now that being said it doesn’t mean letting go of hate is an easy thing to do.  I have a few people that I “hate” and I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive them for what they have done.  I hope one day I will be able to but I can’t be sure if I will or not. 

One of those people is Josh my husband.  I know I need to let go of the hate I have for him but it is so much easier said than done.  I know me being angry and hurt over the fact that he had to pick Christmas day to leave me isn’t doing anything to him.  He gets to go on with his life and it doesn’t affect him.  He probably doesn’t even think about it.  It is so hard for me though because every year the pain comes back.  I wish there were some way to erase the pain so that I could get past it.  I am hoping in time I will be able to forgive him but I am not going to make any promises.

I hope that this post makes sense to everyone.  I am sure that I will post about this topic again!

No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
NELSON MANDELA, Autobiography 

The Truth. . .

 This post was super hard for me to write.  I am letting people in on a part of me and hoping that I can find a way to heal and  get past this.  If you have any advice please leave it to me in the comments!


Ever since my husband left me on Christmas in 2008 my eating habits have been of.  I have started to eat at night and not during the day.  I am eating most of my calories for the after about 7 PM.  The only reason I eat during the day is because of the pills I take I have to eat or I will get sick.  I really don’t get hungry till I get off work.  I knew that this isn’t normal but I didn’t know there was an actual eating disorder for it.  I was researching things for a dear friend of mine and I came across the disorder called Night Eating Syndrome.I was reading what they said about this disorder and I was shocked at how reading about the disorder that they were describing was 100% me. Here are some of the things that they say describe people who may have this disease.

  • People that have this disorder eat the majority of their calories for the day after 8 PM.
  • They say that is effects 1 to 2% of the population.  They also said that it can affect both sexes and all ages of people but it mostly affects young women.
  • People with this disorder and shown to have depression and low self esteem.  They also may have anxiety problems.  I know that if I don’t eat when I wake up it will cause me to have a panic attack.
  • They are often embarrassed by what is going on and don’t want let other people in on what is going on.  They also feel guilt instead of feeling relieved when they eat at night.
  • They generally have trouble sleeping.
  • They found that about 28% of people that were seeking gastric bypass surgery suffer from this disorder.
  • When they eat late at night they usually eat carbohydrates.  They say that the people “binge” eat at night but the eating is typically spread over several hours so it isn’t  the same as the typical binges that happen with the other eating disorders.

As I was typing that list it is like they were just writing about me.  I have so many of those symptoms that it is scary to me.  I now have a name for it but to know what it is almost makes is scary to me.  I would rather not know what is going on with me in this case.  I am really stuck on how to beat this.   I know I can but I am not sure how to beat it.  I am hoping that someone out there has some advice for me on this subject and knows how I can beat it.  I am truly looking to get past this and get back to being happy and health again.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_eating_syndrome
http://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/main/night-eating-syndrome/menu-id-58/

Pour Your Heart Out

I am writing this post for Shells Pour Your Heart Out.  I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 5.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.  When I go to the stores and see the baby clothes it makes me sad because in my head she is still that little.  I have shared my story on here before so I am not going to write about that again instead I think I am going to write a letter to her.  All I ask if you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut. 

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 5 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret