I have had quite a few new followers in the last few months and I figured that I would re-post the story of me placing my daughter for adoption. This post is just the story of all everything went and the following post will be about my feelings and thoughts on everything.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and moved a few times because of one thing or another. If you want to know more about that whole situation let me know and I will write a post about that.
Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant in the ER because I was so sick. I already knew in my head that I was pregnant but didn’t want to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter. I remember when they told me that I was pregnant that I knew that she wasn’t meant for me. My family was always for adoption, or at least the family that knew.
I moved out of the dorms and back home after the fall semester was over because of all the drama that had gone on that semester. After I moved home I started working 2 jobs and taking one class online to keep me busy. I decided that I was going to place through LDS Family Services because I am LDS and I wanted my child raised in a home like I was raised in. They also had a support group for girls that were pregnant and unmarried that attend almost every week after I moved home.
In January I started looking through profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story gets weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done. She knew that if she told me that I wouldn’t have picked them because that is how my brain works. If someone tells me to do something I won’t do it even if I know it is right.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either downs syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was okay with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due on the 7th of July and my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 7th if I didn’t go into labor on my own before then.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacuum thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they later changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.
I was only fifteen going on sixteen when I met my baby’s father. I had a troubling childhood and was failing high school. Nick had a troubled childhood with his mom and dad never being there, dropping out of high school when he was only sixteen. When he walked into my life I felt everything was gonna be better, due to us having a similar pasts. We were “dating” for about three months when his mom left him for some guy she had met on the Internet and left Nick with his step-dad and to fend for himself. I begged my mom for him to move in with us due to him really not having a home. She really didn’t like the idea at all but made rules and regulations that I guess she assumed we would follow. We were young and in “love” and never followed my mothers rules that she had set when he did move in. He would sneak into my room late at night (he was supposed to sleep on the couch) and we always snuck out together even though it was against my mothers rules.
Months flew by like nothing and I kept falling further behind in school because all my time was with him and I could have cared less about school. I finally told my mom I was going to drop out of high school and just get a full time job, which I did down the street at Dairy Queen. A week later (kinda weird right?) I started not feeling right. I woke up morning and was throwing up, I couldn’t control it and did it all day. My mom knew something wasn’t right and took me straight to the doctor in which they made me pee in a cup then took my blood. When the doctor came in and said ” I got some not so good news for you.” My mom and I both looked at each other with a blank stare. And I said ” what is the news.” The doctor said ” your pregnant.” I flipped out and all I could do was cry. This isn’t at all what I wanted and I was too young. When we got back to our house I told Nick and he didn’t even know what to say. We were sitting on the porch that night and I will never forget that night my mom told me “everything happens for a reason.” Two months had passed by without even thinking what was growing in my stomach, my mom thought that it would be better if we moved closer to our family so that they could help. A month later my brother came down and helped us pack the U Haul to move to South Carolina. Nick and I had talked all about this day, a week before he proposed. The deal was he would stay in Missouri and I would go with my mom and eventually he would move to South Carolina too.
When we moved here my mom looked into homes for young girls that are pregnant and not knowing what they want. The first home I moved into I liked but it had its pros and cons just like everything else. Its pros were it got me into cpcc to get my GED and con it was like a prison. You had to do everything when they said to do it. Just a pretty strict place for girls that are already uncertain about things and uncomfortable about the situation that they are in. So I told my mom about everything that was going on and she looked into other homes mean while looking into adoption agencies (I did not know about this).
My mom called one day and told me she had a surprise for me and that I needed to be ready in thirty minutes, I was all excited till we pulled up in front of an adoption agency. We went in and this girl with a really positive attitude and big red hair greeted us. We went into her office and needless to say I had nothing to say to this woman because this was kinda forced on me. About a week later I met the director of another maturity home even though I was seven months pregnant I still was unsure about what I wanted to do with my unborn child, so they took me in. Once again I was faced with this women with a positive attitude and big red hair. After a couple of weeks sitting there and going through the options I did have I went out to lunch with the big red haired lady. We had a really good conversation and she never forced me into a decision she just told me the pros about adoption and all of its options. I figured out that even if I placed my unborn child with someone that I could have contact, a little, or none at all but the decision was all up to me in which I chose an open adoption because I felt I wanted him to still know that this decision out of love and not because I didn’t love him.
After careful consideration and knowing that I had to think of my unborn child and not myself, went to my moms that weekend and got onto the adoption agencies website and looked at families and chose three that I would look at there scrapbook (what makes them , there family life, just everything about them. ) So I went to the office and looked over all the scrapbooks and the nice positive attitude big red hair lady said I pulled this one for you to. So I had four to choose from and I narrowed it down to two, Ryder’s (my son) family is the first I had a meeting with and after our three hour questions back and forth conversation, I knew they were the ones that would raise my unborn child. Ryder’s mom from there on out was at every doctors appointment. We found out I was getting induced on the 19th and we would all meet at the hospital on the 20th. After one full night of them trying to get me to go into labor, I was tired and really hungry and young I asked my doctor if he could just do a c-section. He really didn’t want to do it because I was so young and he believed it was the medicine talking instead of the real Ericka but he did it anyways. Ryder Hayden was born on December 21,2005 at 4:22 pm 9 lbs 6 oz and 21 inches long. Even though I was in recovery for two and a half hours his mom and dad got to meet him right away because of my mom. I remember the next three days were really getting to know his mom and dad letting them get to know there son which was such a pleasure. Seeing the look on there faces was priceless and I’m so glad still to this day that i was able to give them a gift so priceless.
I remember the night before we all went home which was the hardest night of the whole thing not because I was upset with my decision but because I knew I was giving him the best life he could ever imagine. We all went home on December 24th. He will be six this year and I still cant believe how much time has flown but I would never go back on my decision. I have loved every moment of being able to call and get his updates and being able to talk to him when he wants to. I love getting the new pictures of him just to see how much he has grown and he is actually starting to look like his parents. (Crazy right?) I haven’t seen Ryder in a couple of years because I felt like I should let them live there life and he know because of his parents that he is adopted and I know when the time is right we will be able to see each other again.
This is Erica Smith’s story about placing her daughter for adoption.
Well, I guess my adoption story starts with the fact that I was already a single mother. Her father had left the entire responsibility on my shoulders. I lived with my parents at the time and while they would babysit for me to work, I was not given a lot of free time to hang out with friends or go out or anything. I probably went out kid-free 5 times that first year and a half. To tell the truth, I resented it. I love my daughter but I was not a person anymore. I was someone’s mother and my identity had been tossed aside. The summer of 2008 I finally put my daughter in a different daycare so my parents didn’t have to watch her as much (thus were more willing to watch her on the weekends) and found another single mother who was willing to trade babysitting so we could take turns going out. I went a little crazy, it all happened so fast that looking back it feels like a lifetime but in all was only a couple months. I was going out every weekend and once or twice during the week. I met a guy through a mutual friend and we started partying and having sex. I found out he had a serious girlfriend and told him I wanted no part of that so the next day he left her and moved in with our friend. I ended up staying there with him almost every day. For awhile I would go to work (which was right by my friend’s house), go pick up my daughter and bring her the half hour to my friend’s house and then in the morning taking her to daycare by my parents house. I was funding all our partying and the guy was stealing money from me so before too long I was broke. I was broker than broke; my bank account was overdrawn by about $700 after all the overdraft charges.. My parents kicked me out and I had no choice but to stay with my friend to be close to work and because I had no money for gas or food I had to leave my daughter with my parents for 3 weeks while I waited on another paycheck. THAT is what I regret the most.
Later I found out the guy was dealing drugs using my car. He was very controlling, would try to tell me what to wear and order me around like a dog to wait on him hand and foot. I didn’t just take it, we would get into horrible fights about it. He would hide my birth control pills or switch them with baby aspirin and sugar pills which looked the same as my pills. When I insisted on using condoms he would intentionally tear them. Over time I found out he had 5 other kids, he told me about them one here and one there until I finally figured it all out. We fought all the time and I was scared of him because of the look he would get in his eye and the way he would block me into a corner so I couldn’t get away from him. I knew I was pregnant when I started getting really tired all the time. I quit drinking but I couldn’t bring myself to take a test. I left the next time I got paid and went back to my parents’ house.
I took a pregnancy test the next day, it was positive. I told my friend right away and she told the guy. He acted like everything would be cool but he’d already moved back in with his ex (who I’m pretty sure he was still seeing the whole time). He wanted me to have an abortion. He actually said, “Well we know that we can have kids together so let’s just get an abortion this time and work on us and then we can have another baby later.” I hated him for that but I made the appointment. A couple days later he called me late at night with his girlfriend on speaker and told me that this involved the 3 of us and that she was going to help us make a decision on whether to keep the baby or not and they would be raising it the majority of the time. I told them both in not so nice terms to stay away from me and cancelled the appointment for the abortion.
Then, I told my parents. They also wanted me to have an abortion and kicked me out when I refused. By that point I was more pushing back against everybody pushing me so I moved to my sister’s house 3 hours away. Long story short I didn’t get along with her boyfriend because I saw he was a loser and using her and she took his side, so I went and got my own place. Finally I felt secure and thought everything would be fine.
A month later my hours got cut in half at work. I could no longer afford my own place and I had nowhere else to go so I had to move back to my parents’ house. Adoption never crossed my mind until I was 7 months pregnant. I just woke up one day and realized I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t take care of another baby on my own and I had no support. Nobody was ever happy during either pregnancy, I didn’t have somebody to go to doctor’s appointments with me or to throw me a baby shower or ooh and aah over cute baby stuff. I was completely alone. I think if I’d had ONE person to say, “Hey you got this, it’s gonna be okay,” then I wouldn’t have made the same decisions. I’d fought to get my other daughter everything she needed for her entire life and I didn’t think I had the fight left in me to start the whole process over with another. I’d stopped talking to most of my friends because of the drama with the guy trying to get dirt on me through them. I trusted no one. The couple friends I casually mentioned adoption to were jerks about it and tried to talk me out of it or make me feel guilty. There was one friend who was awesome about it and I’ll forever be grateful to her.
Once I got adoption into my head, I looked up profiles online. It was a little like shopping for a person on eBay like you would a sweater. M & K’s profile was one of the first ones I saw and I kept going back and comparing everyone to them. I called the agency they were listed with and the next day I got the paperwork in the mail and filled it all out. I lied about the birth father being a one night stand the entire time so his rights were terminated by placing an ad in the newspaper. I knew he’d never sign the papers and I have never regretted that decision. About 6 months after Maddie was born I heard that he had beaten the snot out of his girlfriend and her kids and was using meth. He also attacked me later but that’s a different story. I told M & K the truth about him as soon as the adoption was final but I still refuse to give anyone his real name. She can have it when she turns 18; I’ve already written that letter to her explaining everything. They in turn contacted their lawyer and the courts. That was scary because I had committed perjury and could have faced jail time for it but they were told since I refused his name it was okay because his rights were still terminated legally.
Anyway, I met with the adoption agent once and they set it up to allow me and M & K to email. The first email they sent was asking how my pregnancy was going and thanking me for considering adoption. I emailed back and was talking about “the baby” this and “the baby” so much that I got sick of it and told them for simplicity sake I was just going to call the baby Madelyn because that’s the name I had picked out. They emailed me back immediately and said they had chosen that same name 6 years ago when they started trying to have a baby. That pretty much sealed the deal for me. God knew I needed one hell of a sign to know this was the right thing to do.
I got my first phone call with them on the day of a doctor’s appointment. I was supposed to go to the doctor in the morning and talk to them in the afternoon but my appointment got moved and ended up being at the same time. I talked to them while I was in the appointment (which didn’t make my doctor happy but oh well!) and they were able to hear the heartbeat on speaker phone.
The rest of the process went pretty smoothly. I was induced so they were able to be at the hospital with me while we waited for things to happen. My parents did not want to go to the hospital with me, they wanted me to go alone, have the baby and sign over rights and then come back like nothing ever happened. I guilt tripped my mom into coming with me but my dad was mad at her for it. I did not allow the adoptive parents into the room for the actual birth that was a little weird for me so that part was just me and my mom. I got the epidural maybe 30 minutes before she was born and had a very easy delivery (I think I pushed twice, she was tiny 6 lbs). They put her on my stomach right after she was born and then after they cleaned her up I held her for about 20 minutes and then let M & K come back in. It was really great to watch them hold her for the first time. They stayed at the hospital with me until around 9 and then left for the night. I let them give her the first bottle and change the first diaper. The next day they came back in the morning and my mom brought my other daughter in. It hurt so much to see them together but I hoped by choosing an open adoption that they would be able to have a relationship.
The hospital was awful. Maybe it was because I was induced on a holiday weekend but nobody had a clue how to act around us. One of the nurses took Maddie for vitals during the night and when she brought her back she didn’t get the door closed all the way and I heard her say to someone in the hallway “That baby is so cute, I don’t know how anybody could give her away.” Like cute-ness is the only reason to ever give a baby up for adoption. Those words still haunt me to this day. I cried all night both nights I was there and prayed. I even called my mom and asked her to bring me my car seat because I couldn’t do it but she told me my dad wouldn’t let me come home with the baby and gave me a guilt trip about my promises to M & K.
During the hospital stay I got to know M & K a lot better. We discovered more similarities that made me feel like they were the right choice. Such as;
K’s birthday is April 22 which is the day they were told I picked them to be Maddie’s parents. When they first started dating M always got mixed up and thought her birthday was May 22, the day Maddie was born.
Their original middle name for Maddie was going to be Rachelle, a combination of K’s sisters names but they had decided they wanted it to start with an A when they got my 2nd email telling them my other daughter’s name was Alexandria. So they chose Alexandria for Maddie’s middle name. Alex’s middle name is Rachelle.
The only snag in the whole thing was their paralegal tried to hold me hostage in the hospital for the full 48 hours even though the hospital was ready to release me. She also did not want to change the paperwork. I wanted to make sure my rights would not be terminated until the birth father’s in case he pulled some shit I could fight him. She tried to say that would make M & K nervous and tried to intimidate me which wasn’t smart on her part because I’m not some 14 year old kid who’s afraid to rock the boat. I seriously almost took Maddie and walked away from the whole thing. Luckily someone from the agency showed up and smoothed things over and got me what I wanted. We all signed out of the hospital and went to M & K’s hotel room until it was time to sign the papers.
My hands were shaking and I was crying so hard I could hardly hold the pen but I signed and afterwards K and I hugged with Maddie in between us and cried. M cried and hugged me to and then I walked out of the hotel without my baby. They had to stay in town for 3 weeks after she was born so I was able to see her one last time before they went home. I made her a scrapbook and put all my information in it, including where I was born and the hospital and where I went to high school. I put a family tree and pictures of me growing up as well as all her hospital bracelets and ultrasounds and on every other page I wrote her a letter explaining my decision, how I chose her parents, etc. I gave that to them to give her when she’s older so that hopefully no matter what happens she will always be able to find me and understand why I did what I did.
Our adoption has been pretty good so far, there have been a few small problems but mostly they have kept up with their promises. The updates are unpredictable and don’t always come as often as they promised and it’s an emotional roller coaster for me that sometimes I want to get off but they are great parents and our little girl has everything I ever wanted for her. I send her presents for Christmas and her birthday and get to see her once a year. Everything is harder without her. I go through each milestone and sometimes it hits me harder than ever. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all and nobody really knows how to handle that pain. I often stop what I’m doing with my other daughter and think of Maddie and wonder what she’s doing at that exact moment. Things will never be the same for me. I look at men, sex, relationships, trust, parenting, everything differently. I have lost faith that people will stick around when the times get tough. I’m getting through the worst of it and have way more good days than bad but not a day goes by that I don’t miss her and think of her.
To My Son, I was only 15 when you where born. I can remember like it was yesterday; the emotions running threw me. I wrote down the words that I was feeling as I carried you in my stomach. I love you so very much. I hope the choices I made for you gave you a life full of rewards. I am sorry for any sorrow I have given you. I am now 32 and since have had 3 Children: Ashley 10, Cody 6, and little Anna 3 months old. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON ‘T CARING YOU IN MY HEART: When I look into the eyes of my 3 children (your siblings), I can see the glimmer of your soul, the day I left you at the hospital almost 17 years ago.
Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco, I hope you don’t mind. I am sharing my thoughts with strangers before I share them with you. I want everyone to know. As the years go by and I have had more children, there is still a space deep in my soul that is only made complete by the baby boy I left so long ago and a longing to know the young man he has become today. I want you to know that: whether you were happy or sad, healthy or sick, rich or poor, or you have been a good boy or bad boy, I will always love you unconditionally.
When I think of you, I also think about your father. He was so handsome and alot like Garfield always getting into something and trying to dig his way out. To this day even though I have married, I have never loved again the way I loved your father. He was so hurt when we let you go and I don’t think he could ever forgive me. He passed away a year after you were born, he was 17 years old and I am not really sure what really happened. The two most important people in my life were gone and my life has never been complete since. I just want you to know that I love and miss you and your father every day of my life.
You are a piece of me and my blood runs through your veins. I gave you life and your mom and dad have to be such wonderful people, to have wanted you to share your life with them for the rest of theirs. To your Mom and Dad, thank you for wanting him with all your hearts, you are both truly ANGELS in mine. I am always here and my home is always open for you and your family. WITH LOVE, PAM your (Birth Mother)
These are my words and this was written at the age of 15 for my SON, that I have never known. I gave you up for adoption 17 years ago and I caring these words with me 24 hours a day. I decided to share them with others, only after I began to register in birth registries. This is the first time I have shared my thoughts with anyone but GOD in 17 years! I hope they comfort someone else as they did me. With Love I pass them on! Pam
“THE LIFE INSIDE”
It’s been five months now! I wake up to a slight flutter in my tummy! It suddenly becomes real and I glow with excitement! I think to myself, What a wonderful day! With each new flutter I can feel it grow! I know now that I will soon hold a little one in my arms! The flutters I once felt are now becoming strong jolts! As I press my belly I feel a limb! It jumps and moves acknowledging my touch! Then it comes to me, that we have begun BONDING! This life inside me all ready has a soul, It can feel just as I do feel. I am in AWE! That GOD has entrusted to me the life of another, As I lay at night and wonder, Will everything turn out all right? Will I make the right chooses; So that this child I caring inside me; will not suffer? I do not know, But with all the love I have for this little life, I will surely be his for the rest of mine! Fly Away Home, I hope you return with you WINGS one day! I LOVE YOU Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco
Dedicated to Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco: Pam Bianco/1982 author
I watched the Lifetime movie called “Pregnancy Pact” last night and it really got me thinking about teen pregnancy and about my story of getting pregnant and placing the baby for adoption. I decided that I will give you that story today since it is on my mind and I am having trouble writing my post on the MS. Don’t worry I am still working on it. It is just going to take a little longer than what I thought it was going to.
Anyway here is my story.
I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University. I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing. I was living in the apartment style dorms and lets just say the year started out bad. I should have just moved off campus like Carrie my roommate from my freshman year. The first apartment I was in that year was with freshman and lets just say it was hard because they wanted to party and I had a really tough class that I needed to study for so after things got really bad I asked to move. In the mean time I had started to see a guy and lets just say that I didn’t wait long before I slept with him for the first time.
I moved into a new apartment with two girls that turned out to be drug addicts and one of them ended up over dosing the day before Thanksgiving but I am getting ahead of myself. After I moved in that apartment I got pregnant. I found out because I was so sick that I went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me. They ran a pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant. I already knew I was at that point but I just didn’t want to admit to it. In fact I knew the night it happened that I was.
The rest of that semester is still fuzzy to me. I can remember telling my grandma the night I got out of the hospital on the phone and she basically told me that I should place the baby. The funny thing about that is that I already knew I was going to do that I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone else for a long time. I started going to LDS Family Services because it was free and they had a support group for girls that were pregnant and not married.
After the semester ended I moved home because I couldn’t deal with the stress of school and my roommate over dosing anymore. While I was at home I was working two jobs and taking an online class. In January I started looking for profiles of couples that were looking to adopt. The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought. This is where the story get weird to say the least. Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them. One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out. I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.
In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either down syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18. Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those. After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.
After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them. Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well. I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that she needed to try everything that she could to make it work. After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was ok with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.
This was such a relief for me. After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them. While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant. I was due July 7th and it was hot and tiring be pregnant during the summer. I went in to the doctors a week before I was due and he said that if I didn’t go into labor on my own before my due date he would induce me on my due date.
Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own. I was in labor for about 12 hours or so. When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born. They ended up having to use the vacumn thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.
Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they latter changed to Brita. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy?? Did I do the right thing???? Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption???? I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live. Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her. I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self. Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away. I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.
I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family. I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me. I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away. Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them. That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time. To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks. I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing. I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me. It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier. Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure.
Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing. Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing. I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption. In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child. I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.
I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me. Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry? I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it. I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her. Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it. Ok I will get off my soap box now. Sorry I got side tracked.
I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her. If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies. I want people to know that anyone can do it. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done. Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts. I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.
After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all. I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not. I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do. I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids. Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all.
This post is all over but that is how my brain works. Hope it makes some sense to everyone. If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!
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