April 14, 1999
A LETTER TO MY SON:
To My Son, I was only 15 when you where born. I can remember like it was yesterday; the emotions running threw me. I wrote down the words that I was feeling as I carried you in my stomach. I love you so very much. I hope the choices I made for you gave you a life full of rewards. I am sorry for any sorrow I have given you. I am now 32 and since have had 3 Children: Ashley 10, Cody 6, and little Anna 3 months old. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON ‘T CARING YOU IN MY HEART: When I look into the eyes of my 3 children (your siblings), I can see the glimmer of your soul, the day I left you at the hospital almost 17 years ago.
Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco, I hope you don’t mind. I am sharing my thoughts with strangers before I share them with you. I want everyone to know. As the years go by and I have had more children, there is still a space deep in my soul that is only made complete by the baby boy I left so long ago and a longing to know the young man he has become today. I want you to know that: whether you were happy or sad, healthy or sick, rich or poor, or you have been a good boy or bad boy, I will always love you unconditionally.
When I think of you, I also think about your father. He was so handsome and alot like Garfield always getting into something and trying to dig his way out. To this day even though I have married, I have never loved again the way I loved your father. He was so hurt when we let you go and I don’t think he could ever forgive me. He passed away a year after you were born, he was 17 years old and I am not really sure what really happened. The two most important people in my life were gone and my life has never been complete since. I just want you to know that I love and miss you and your father every day of my life.
You are a piece of me and my blood runs through your veins. I gave you life and your mom and dad have to be such wonderful people, to have wanted you to share your life with them for the rest of theirs. To your Mom and Dad, thank you for wanting him with all your hearts, you are both truly ANGELS in mine. I am always here and my home is always open for you and your family. WITH LOVE, PAM your (Birth Mother)
These are my words and this was written at the age of 15 for my SON, that I have never known. I gave you up for adoption 17 years ago and I caring these words with me 24 hours a day. I decided to share them with others, only after I began to register in birth registries. This is the first time I have shared my thoughts with anyone but GOD in 17 years! I hope they comfort someone else as they did me. With Love I pass them on! Pam
“THE LIFE INSIDE”
It’s been five months now!
I wake up to a slight flutter in my tummy!
It suddenly becomes real and I glow with excitement!
I think to myself,
What a wonderful day!
With each new flutter I can feel it grow!
I know now that I will soon hold a little one in my arms!
The flutters I once felt are now becoming strong jolts!
As I press my belly I feel a limb!
It jumps and moves acknowledging my touch!
Then it comes to me, that we have begun BONDING!
This life inside me all ready has a soul,
It can feel just as I do feel.
I am in AWE!
That GOD has entrusted to me the life of another,
As I lay at night and wonder,
Will everything turn out all right?
Will I make the right chooses;
So that this child I caring inside me; will not suffer?
I do not know,
But with all the love I have for this little life,
I will surely be his for the rest of mine!
Fly Away Home,
I hope you return with you WINGS one day!
I LOVE YOU Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco
Dedicated to Baby Boy Arterburn/Bianco: Pam Bianco/1982 author
(c) Pamela Bianco Johnson All Rights Reserved