New 30 Day Blog Journal

I am going to start a new 30 day blog journal. I am not going to post everyday just every few days.  It will take me longer than 30 Days but I am okay with it!



Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag.
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.
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Day 1- A photo of myself and how my day went

My day went pretty well today.  I just relaxed and watched movies.  I also worked out!!!  I got this MS work out DVD so I tried that today.  It was really fun except for it was super easy.  They have three different levels and I did the easiest one because I didn’t want to over due it.  I am going to do it again tomorrow and try the one that is the middle level.


Parents

I apologize for not having my guest post for last week. I have been at my mother’s house. She had surgery on one of her legs and the recovery has been a bit more difficult than was anticipated. I have been working hard helping her out, and completing some projects for her. I was so tired when it the time came to write the guest post, that I could not even string a proper sentence together.

I have been thinking a lot about being a parent and parenting while I have been here. Being a parent is a never-ending job. With it comes much sorrow and joy. The catalyst for thinking about being a parent and parenting was something my brother said this week, as well as meeting my pregnant daughter-in-law for the first time. It got me thinking about how often – as adults – we do not allow our parents to be parents to us.

My brother – and his wife – has been struggling with his own mental health issues for the last few years. My parents found out about his mental health issues/mental illness around the same time I tried to take my own life. It was a shock for them to find out that both of their children have severe mental health issues. My brother and his wife have been in therapy – separately and together – for a few months longer than I have. For some reason, neither one of them seem to be progressing in getting mentally/emotionally healthy. In fact, it appears that my brother has been on a downward spiral and gotten worse during the time. My brother’s ability to earn as much money as he used to has drastically decreased, and he is currently struggling to pay for a license he needs to be able to continue to work in his chosen profession.

Rather than tell anyone what is going on, and letting us know how we can help him, my brother has chosen to be quiet about what is going on with him. Consequently, the only way my parents know how to help him is to offer him money. The other day, my brother made the comment that he wished that my parents “would just be parents” and not try and “fix things with money”. My reply was “How can they be parents if you do not give them the opportunity to be” My point in saying that was that since he does not let anyone know what is going on with him mentally/emotionally, the only thing my parents know to do is to help him financially. He is not giving them the opportunity to be the parents he wants – needs – and is expecting them to be.

How often do we do that? We want/need our parents to be there for us, but we with-hold things from them, making it impossible for them to be there in the way we need. We shut out the very people who love and support us unconditionally. No matter how old we get, our parents are our parents, and have a built in need to love and care for us. Our parents also have the benefit of having wisdom that comes with living life longer than we have. They occasionally can give us the exact advice we have been needing to hear.

My daughter-in-law is only 19 – pregnant – and married to my 20 year old son. They are both young, and in many ways still very immature. They are still in that stage of life where they know everything, and parental units know almost nothing. My son especially, wants nothing from me or his father right now, and goes to great lengths to hide things from us. My daughter-in-law seems to have a better grasp on reality and has started coming to me for advice, and some parenting – since her own mother lives far away. She has even asked me to be with her during her labor and delivery, since neither my son – her husband – or mother can be there during that time.

At this time in my life, when I am learning how to parent my daughter again, and getting used to the fact that I will be a grandmother in a few months, I am now having to learn how to parent a total stranger. It makes me think of all those years – when my own mother was not emotionally healthy enough to parent me – that I found women to fill the need I had for a mother. As a result, I have had some wonderful and strong women in my life. They helped me through rough patches, and showed me unconditional love. I believe that helped me learn how to accept my mother for who she is, when she became emotionally healthy enough to be a parent. Now it is my turn to be a strong parent and role model for someone else.

I guess the point in all my ranting is that we – even though we are adults – need parenting as much as our own children do. We need the comfort and love that it gives us. We also need the truth and honesty that parents display toward us. Some of us are blessed by having parents who are emotionally healthy enough to do this. Others are blessed by finding the right people to fill in for their own parents. Open yourself up, and let some parental love come in.

MS Tuesdays

I know I post about MS on Tuesdays but I have been having a rough time lately and couldn’t find the motivation to write about it this week.  I am going to take a break and hopefully write about it next week.  I did want to write about something else though.  This weekend on Facebook I posted the following status: Wants to know. If she were to die tomorrow, what is the last thing that you would want to say to me? (answers below or messaged to me).  The only response that I got was from a lady that I have gotten to know really well since I had my daughter.  I wanted to post what she wrote to me and then write her a letter because I know she reads my blog!
Her Response: 
So please tell me that you are not planning on dying tomorrow! What would I say about you? (After I kicked your butt for dying!) I would say that you are one of the most courageous people I have ever met in my life. Instead of wallowing in self-pity for the hard things in life that have come your way, you have chosen to take the bull by the horns and fight to make a difference. You are truly one of the most unselfish people I have ever met. You have the ability to look at all sides of a situation with wisdom and an open mind. You are a force to be reckoned with! You are a loving person who wants to make a difference in this world, especially for the injustice that is done by bullying and educating people about adoption and MS. You have been a blessing to your Grandma Tidwell and you have given her the opportunity to be the beautiful daughter that she could never give birth to. I know that…moms talk to each other about their kids, you know…and she is grateful for you. You have given another family the precious gift of your own daughter and have never looked back on that decision. You have fulfilled many purposes in this life and have many purposes yet to fill, and positive differences to make in the lives of many. You are a bright light in the eyes of many people….without even meaning to shine. You understand what it means to love unconditionally and judge not. You are beautiful inside and out and have left your footprints on my heart by teaching me things that I never would have learned, had I not rubbed shoulders with you. You love a good Dr. Pepper, the game of football, your cubs, and junk food. You are proud of your Chippewa heritage and love to travel. You have the gift of gab, the love of shopping, and the talent of writing. You honor your country. You drive a cool car! Your shoulders bear heavy burdens, but you hold them high with dignity and grace throughout your journey here. You are the woman I hope to become someday…and I love you. You are you…and that’s all you need to be.

Dear Jill,

I want to thank you for what you said.  You will never know how your words have helped me get through the past days.  I tend to pull away from people when I get depressed because I get mean but what you said made me see the good that others see in me.  I had a great time at breakfast and we definitely need to do it more often.  I am writing this here so that people can see it!!!!  This isn’t long but I want to thank you and tell you I am glad you are in my life!!!!!


Love
Margaret

Sunday Stealing


1. What do you consider your hometown to be?
A town that is getting bigger as the days go on.  It was small when I was growing up but has gotten super big in the last 10 years or so.
2. What’s the hardest part of your average day?
Getting through work because I get tired so easily that by the end of the day I am ready to pass out but I can’t sleep lol
3. The easiest? Why?
Getting ready for work because it doesn’t take much to great ready.
4. What beverage do you reach for to quench your thirst?
Water or Dr Pepper
5. What is one not-so-secret goal you have for your life? I’ll let you keep your secret ones to yourself.
To finish school and find happiness
6. What physical pain do you fear most? For example, I’m trying to decide how bad my jaw pain needs to get before I risk a potential needle from my dentist. So, for me, throbbing is preferable to jabbing.
There isn’t really one that I fear.  I hate all pain but I deal with it on a daily basis.
7. Where do you find solace?
With my cubs and on the internet!!!
8. What makes you the saddest when you read/see the news?
All the people committing suicide or people getting bullied.  It makes me so sad that people get bullied so much these days.
9. What do you eat for a favorite snack?
Chips or any junk food!
10. What movie could you/would you watch more than two or three times and still enjoy just as much as the first time?
A lot of movies actually.  I will watch most movies several times and not get old of them.  Right now I watch The Last Song and Selena.  My favorite movie is Liar Liar though.
11. What boy/girl first made you cry?
Probably my husband
12. What brand of coffee/tea do you drink most often?
I don’t drink any of it.  I enjoy my caffeine cold!
13. Dig in the dirt with or without garden gloves?
Without but I should wear them because I am so allergic to planets that I break out in hives all the time.
14. James Taylor or Carly Simon?
Neither-I have no idea who either of them are!!!!

MS Rant

I try to keep my rants off of this blog but I think people that have MS need to see that some days having this disease totally sucks!  I don’t want people to think that because I tend to not post about those days that they don’t exist.  Right now I am struggling because I have to except how I am feeling as the new normal and I don’t want to.  No one wants to know that this is as good as it gets.  I am at the point right now where I need to except it and I don’t want to.  I want to tell the disease to go fly a kite and go away.  I am 25 years old and I don’t want to be dealing with this disease!!!!!  I have knowing that this disease takes so much away from people who have it.  I look at others with the disease and get mad at myself because the are worse off than I am and yet I am still bitching and pissed off because of how I feel.  I know I should be grateful that I am not more disabled but instead I am pissed off that I have to deal with this disease at all.  I was doing so well at staying positive with how things are going and now I am back to when I got diagnosed and not dealing well with it all.  I want to bury my head in the sand and just ignore it but I also know that I can’t do that.  Part of this I am sure is just being 25 and being to damn stubborn for my own good.  I will never totally except this disease!  I know I can’t give up on treatment since it working but hell I am tired of going once a month and having it done.  I am tired of worrying about PML and the disease getting worse.  I am tired of people hearing about my diagnoses and being scared to date me or even talk to me.  I mean good hell it isn’t going to kill them hell it might not even kill me.  I am tired of all the crap that comes along with this damn disease.  I am so tired of being in pain and my doctor not giving me what I need to deal with the pain.  I am tired of being on all the medications that I am on to treat how the MS has made me feel.  I guess it boils down to the fact that I am tired of the disease!

Okay I am going to leave it at that.  Hopefully get this out will help me move on from this point!

Pour Your Heart Out

I am writing this post for Shells Pour Your Heart Out.  I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 5.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.  When I go to the stores and see the baby clothes it makes me sad because in my head she is still that little.  I have shared my story on here before so I am not going to write about that again instead I think I am going to write a letter to her.  All I ask if you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut. 

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 5 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret