PERSONAL THOUGHTS

FYI About Multiple Sclerosis

First I am going to post some helpful information before I post my story so that you will be able to follow along a little bit better.

  • Multiple Sclerosis is what they call an autoimmune disease.  This means that the person immune system for some reason decided it is going to attack so part of the body that it shouldn’t attack.   In MS the immune system decides it is going to attack the nerves of the CNS (central nervous system).  They are not sure what triggers the immune system to think that part of the body is a invader and needs to be attacked.
  • There are a lot of different symptoms that go along with this disease.  I am going to list some of the most common ones: Fatigue, problems with walking, numbness, tingling, slurred speech, tremors, stiffness, problems with vision, cognition, speech, and elimination.  Every person with MS has different symptoms.
  • Anyone can get MS.  Women are more like to get it than men and so are people with a lighter pigmentation to there skin.  So Montel Williams who has MS is a real rarity.  They think MS has a genetic link but they aren’t sure what it is.  In my case there is no one in my family history of it.  You usually get diagnosed between the ages of 20-50.  I was a rarity and was diagnosed at age 16.  Although younger patients are now getting diagnosed because doctors are starting to look for it at a younger ages.
  • MS symptoms happen when the immune system attacks the myelin around the nerves.  If you think of your nerves like a wire the myelin would be the protective covering around the wire.  If the nerve underneath the myelin gets hurt that is what causes the symptoms and some times permanent disabilities.
  • The body tries to repair the damage that is done but it is never the same the the nerve never really functions the same.
  • MS is rarely fatal.  Most of the time people with MS with get a common cold of the flu and that is what will end up taking their lives.
  • There are several treatments out there that each do things differently.  I am on one called Tysabri and it is the most expensive and most dangerous of the drugs.  All of the current MS treatments are expensive and it makes it hard for people like me who have the disease to get the treatments that they need.  There is always new treatments in the works and exciting things happening in research that hold so much hope for future generations.
  • There is currently no cure for MS.



That is all I can think to tell you.  If you have any questions please feel free to ask them and I will answer them all in another post.  I hope this will help everyone understand my story a little bit better.  I am going to post my story next Thursday.  So if you have any questions please ask so everything will be clear to you when I post my story.

Pregnancy Pact Part 2

I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live.  Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her.  I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self.  Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away.  I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.

I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family.  I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it.  I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me.  I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away.  Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them.  That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time.  To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks.  I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing.  I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me.  It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier.  Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure. 

Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing.  Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing.  I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption.  In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child.  I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.

I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me.  Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry?  I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it.  I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her.  Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it.  Ok I will get off my soap box now.  Sorry I got side tracked.

I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her.  If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies.  I want people to know that anyone can do it.  It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done.  Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts.  I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.

After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all.   I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not.  I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do.   I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids.  Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all.  I just wish my husband would get that and drop the whole subject but that is a post for another day.

This post is all over but that is how my brain works.  Hope it makes some sense to everyone.  If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!

Pregnancy Pact

I watched the Lifetime movie called “Pregnancy Pact” last night and it really got me thinking about teen pregnancy and about my story of getting pregnant and placing the baby for adoption.  I decided that I will give you that story today since it is on my mind and I am having trouble writing my post on the MS.  Don’t worry I am still working on it.  It is just going to take a little longer than what I thought it was going to.

Anyway here is my story.

I was 19 and going to school up at Weber State University.  I was a sophomore and going to school for nursing.  I was living in the apartment style dorms and lets just say the year started out bad.  I should have just moved off campus like Carrie my roommate from my freshman year.  The first apartment I was in that year was with freshman and lets just say it was hard because they wanted to party and I had a really tough class that I needed to study for so after things got really bad I asked to move.  In the mean time I had started to see a guy and lets just say that I didn’t wait long before I slept with him for the first time.

I moved into a new apartment with two girls that turned out to be drug addicts and one of them ended up over dosing the day before Thanksgiving but I am getting ahead of myself. After I moved in that apartment I got pregnant.  I found out because I was so sick that I went to the hospital to see what was wrong with me.  They ran a pregnancy test and told me I was pregnant.  I already knew I was at that point but I just didn’t want to admit to it. In fact I knew the night it happened that I was.

The rest of that semester is still fuzzy to me.  I can remember telling my grandma the night I got out of the hospital on the phone and she basically told me that I should place the baby.  The funny thing about that is that I already knew I was going to do that I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone else for a long time.  I started going to LDS Family Services because it was free and they had a support group for girls that were pregnant and not married. 

After the semester ended I moved home because I couldn’t deal with the stress of school and my roommate over dosing anymore.  While I was at home I was working two jobs and taking an online class.  In January I started looking for profiles of couples that were looking to adopt.  The first time I looked I picked out two couples and brought them home to see what my family thought.  This is where the story get weird to say the least.  Come to find out my grandma had talk to my social worker and asked her to pull a certain profile so that I could look at them.  One of the profiles that I brought home was the family that she picked out.  I didn’t know that until she told me after I delivered and everything was done.

In the mean time they did a blood test at the doctors office and they told me that the baby could possible have either down syndrome or what they call Trisomy 18.  Because of that blood test I had to go up to the University of Utah and have a longer ultra sound to rule out both of those.  After we got done with that the chances of it went done some and I decided that anymore testing could just wait until she was born.

After I picked them I made up a really cute basket of stuff for them and sent it to announce to them that I had picked them.  Well come to find out they had a gotten a baby in March and the agency didn’t know if they could place my daughter with them as well.  I told my social worker that I still really felt that is where she was supposed to go and that  she needed to try everything that she could to make it work.  After a few weeks of going back and forth and asking the other birth mom if it was ok with her they finally decided that she could be placed with them.

This was such a relief for me.  After we got that decision we started the process of meeting with them and getting to know them.  While this was all going on I was getting huge and super tired of being pregnant.  I was due July 7th and it was hot and tiring be pregnant during the summer.  I went in to the doctors a week before I was due and he said that if I didn’t go into labor on my own before my due date he would induce me on my due date. 

Well the morning I was supposed to be induced my water broke and lets just say I knew she would come on her own time and she waited until the last possible second to do it on her own.  I was in labor for about 12 hours or so.  When it was time to have her I had the adoptive mom in the room so that she could see her being born.  They ended up having to use the vacumn thing to get her out because she was stuck on my tail bone and I was too tired to keep pushing.

Two days after I had her I signed the papers and said my goodbyes to the baby that I named Gracelynn but they latter changed to Brita.  There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t pop into my head and I just wonder is she happy??  Did I do the right thing????  Will she hate me one day because of the choice I made to place her for adoption????  I hope one day I will get to meet her and get to know her but I also know that it is totally up to her and I will have to live with her decision.

This is a really long post so I will post part two of this story tomorrow and get into why I made the decision to place her and things like that.
Hope everyone is having a great Monday.  If you have any questions feel free to leave a comment and I will answer all of them!!!