I decided that adoption was best for me because I wasn’t ready to raise a child and I wanted to give her two parents and a stable place to live. Her sperm donor also wanted nothing to do with her. I think he still believes that she isn’t his and that I get pregnant all by self. Men really bug me in the fact that they can just act like they can just ignore people they get pregnant and that the problem will just go away. I really wish it was that easy because if it were I would have not been pregnant for very long that is for sure.
I knew from the moment that I found out she wasn’t meant for me and that I had to find her family. I really hated god for a long time because I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t know realize how painful the actual day of her placement was going to be on me. I decided to do what they called a direct placement which is where you and the couple are in the same room and you place the baby into the couples arms and basically walk away. Well lets just say I did that and then made them leave the room because I couldn’t stand to look at her with them. That was the day that my heart really broke for the first time. To be honest with you I don’t really remember the next few weeks. I feel like I was just walking around in a daze just existing. I was back to work in 3 weeks because sitting at home was killing me. It was really hard for the first year but after that year was over it started to get easier. Everyday is a struggle but easier than the first year was that is for sure.
Her birth father had to sign away his rights because he was in the Air Force and because of stupid laws I couldn’t place her without him signing. Lets just say that that was the most stressful part of the whole thing. I had no idea if he would sign or if he would just not show up and make it so I couldn’t place her for adoption. In the end he signed because I told him if he didn’t I would make him pay child support and that would mean less money for his car. So he basically signed her away because he loved her car more than he loved his own child. I don’t get how parents can just walk away and not care or even think about their kids.
I have one thing in the whole situation that has bugged me and still to this day bugs me. Why do people think when I tell them that they have to say sorry? I know this is kind of off subject but why do people say that when I am not sorry for it. I did what I had to do and I will never be sorry that I placed her. Now that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her but I will never be sorry for doing it. Ok I will get off my soap box now. Sorry I got side tracked.
I am amazed that people really think I am a strong person because I only did what was right for her. If I wanted to take the easy way I would have kept like so many people do because they don’t think they can place their babies. I want people to know that anyone can do it. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it was the greatest thing I have ever done. Today as I sit here writing this post I realize just how much at times it hurts. I have really had a lot of doubts lately if I made the right the choice and if she will hate me when she gets older.
After making this choice in my life I now don’t think that I want any kids at all. I wasn’t the mothering type then and I don’t know if I have become that or not. I know I could probably do it but why force myself to do something that I don’t think I am programed to do. I am quite happy raising my animals and no kids. Maybe one day but not for a long time if at all. I just wish my husband would get that and drop the whole subject but that is a post for another day.
This post is all over but that is how my brain works. Hope it makes some sense to everyone. If you have any questions about adoption or about my story please leave a comment and I will get back to you!
19 Comments on Pregnancy Pact Part 2
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That must have been a hard post to write. You really poured it all out.
I think people say "I'm sorry" because they don't know what else to say.
You are so strong for what you did. I admire you for the choice you made for giving your daughter a better life and 2 parents.
I agree with Shell…we say we're sorry because we don't know what else to say, and we're sorry that you had to go through a very painful time in your life.
And you are strong. I'm amazed…wishing I had some of your strength.
~M
Margaret- what a touching story. The best thing for this young girl is that YOU loved her enough to do this for her. Her "sperm" donor? I hope she never goes looking for him, or that he someday realizes his error.
I hope that you will get a chance to see her, if that is your wish. I can imagine how hard it is. I often wonder about my son's natural father. He also signed his rights away when I married my husband, who adopted my son.
My son was born on New Year's Day. I hope every New Year's day his father is wondering about him.
I think that most of the time, adopted children don't end up hating their birth parents. I think that most adoptive families are loving and truly want those children, so I don't think they are filling their heads with bad thoughts about birth parents. I think they raise them to understand what a gift it is that has been given to them. Maybe one day you will get to see her again, and I'm sure she'll thank you for thinking about what was best for her.
Margaret, I agree with the others that for the lack of knowing what to say, people say they are sorry. You are a strong woman. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life.
You were very courageous to share such an incredibly personal decision and experience. I also agree with Shell…people don't know what else to say.
One of my favorite quotes is, "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." – anonymous
While YOU don't find yourself to be particularly strong, because you were doing what you had to do, others can't imagine dealing with a similar situation the way you did. (I've dealt with the I'm sorry and strength thing too; only it was a result of my sister's death.)
I'm stopping by from SITS, and I'm glad I did.
Wow, what an amazing story. I actually have to say that I think you are brave for sharing it. I mean, some choose to keep things like this bottled up, but sometimes I think it helps others that have gone through the same thing to read stories similar to theirs. In the end all that matters is that you are happy with the decision you made. 🙂
People say sorry because they can't imagine what it must have been like for you to go through that. They imagine it from your painful perspective. They don't look at the beautiful thing you did for that baby, and the family who took her. You gave her a chance at a better life than you felt equipped to provide. You gave that family the greatest blessing, the greatest gift they will have ever received in their entire lives. So I say bless you! I wish that others would chose this option rather than abortion.
I understand what you mean when people say that you are strong and you dont feel like it. When I left my ex, people were all like proud of me and saying I was strong or courageous. I dont think so at all. I was just doing what needed to be done.
Thanks for sharing your story, I think this happens more often than people know, but no one talks about. Im glad you can 🙂
Thanks again for sharing your story. I think getting it out there that you did it and other people can do it is important.
Good for you for realizing that you are not the "mothering" type. Some people are completely happy not having kids. If you have kids when you aren't ready or don't really want to the kids are the ones who suffer.
Being a mom is hard work. It is also the most rewarding job I've ever had. I love my kids more than anything else in this world. But being a mother definitely taking a lot of nurturing and patience. When I found out I was pregnant, although I was young I had always known I wanted to be a mom. I had worked with babies and toddlers since I was 12 and just loved it. I know some of my other friends really wouldn't have been able to handle it.
I'm visiting from SITS. Thanks for sharing your story. We are trying to adopt, and I have so much admiration for birth mothers. You are a hero in my eyes. 🙂
Again, thank you for sharing. It is just brilliant to read your perspective on this and to understand. x
I know, for a fact, when I was 20 years old I could not have given a baby up for adoption. I know for a fact that I didn't see anything wrong with, should the need arise, becoming a single parent. I believed I could supply what a baby would need whether or not the father wanted to be involved.
I had no idea the importance of two parent households, and how a baby deserves the opportunity to experience the dynamics of a mom and a dad. I had no idea how important it was for a mom to HAVE the support system of a dad around and vice versa.
It's for this reason that I call the act that you did, the selflessness, brave. It's commendable that at age 20 you were able to recognize these important factors. I had a much more feminist, me against the world, view at that age. People who have more mature insights than me are always interesting to me.
And I think the "sorry" comments you got might just be their way of saying that they are sorry you had to experience the pain. They might agree it was what needed to be done, the best decision, but those facts don't lessen the pain you experienced, and for that, they are simply sorry. 🙂 And sometimes it's just a reflex reaction and they have no idea what they're sorry for!!
Margaret,
You ARE strong. You did what was right, and that takes courage. I, too, think people say "sorry" because you had to go through the pain, but I know what you mean. When I tell people about my health (you probably get this too), they'll say, I'm sorry…and it's like, what for? I don't want anyone's pity. Understanding, yes. Compassion, yes. But pity? No.
You are a strong person. Most people can't think of anything beyond what is best for them. Good for you for thinking of what is best for your little one.'
LisaDay
Instead of saying I'm sorry I'll say I'm happy for your and your daughter that you did what you believed was best for both of you. You are strong, because there are a lot of people who know the right decision to make, but aren't brave enough to actually take action.
What an incredibly hard decision for you to make. Best wishes to you and I really hope that it hurts less and less as the days and years go by.
I don't think she will hate you when she gets older. If she gets in contact it will be because she's curious. You did your job… you made sure she was taken care of and that can never be wrong!
Happy SITS day!