Written By A Teenage Birth Mother

I had a secret that I knew, for a time, I must hide
A treasure I hugged to me, buried deep inside.
I knew I couldn’t hide it for terribly long,
but I wanted to delay hearing, my joy was wrong.

But I stood up for us when I might’ve ran,
And hoped we’d be treated with a kind hand.
There were some who wanted to, but couldn’t;
Then ones that could but thought they shouldn’t.

So I went out on my own and gave it my best,
I worked and worked with very little rest.
I paid my rent, and bought my food,
And went to the doctor just like I should.

I was a child in a harsh world and so naive
I was such an innocent and I believed
I could raise this child of my body and heart
That nothing could happen to keep us apart.

Then I felt the flutter of my joy and I would sing
To him of love and ponies and other sweet things.
He sang to my soul too in a whispery voice
And that’s when I started to question my choice.

My heart burned with love, fear and shame
As I thought all I could give him was love and a name.
I wanted a life for him I knew I couldn’t give
I wanted a chance for him to honestly live.

Ignoring my heart’s screams, I signed on the line,
patting his butt in my tummy, saying it’s going to be fine.
I continued to sing to him though it was bittersweet,
But hoped it would help him remember me, until we meet.

It was harder than what I imagine death could be,
Trying to remember he was someone else’s baby,
I wasn’t allowed to touch or hold him when he was born,
And my heart cracked and bled as I cried and mourned.

I thought I was a bad mom and selfish to miss him so,
That my reasons were sound and I should let him go.
So I squared my shoulders and I went on
Though I never forgot or stopped loving my son.

Cathy Kerns, © 1982