Mondays With Melissa

Controlled By Fear

March 21, 2011

Melissa from Sugar Filled Emotions is a regular guest poster on my blog. He dad died in is sleep on Saturday night. Go to her blog and leave her some love because I am know she could really use it right now. Melissa know I always am here for you and love you!

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t – you are right.”

~ Henry Ford

For a long time I lived without taking any chances, rather than put myself in a position to fail. The thought of what others might say or think about me – when I failed – was enough to make my stomach hurt, and paralyze me. I have put aside many dreams out of fear of failure, and embarrassment. Fear controlled most – sometimes all – of my life. There is no joy in life when almost every aspect of it is controlled by fear.

Learning how to let go of fear has been difficult. As much as I hated being controlled by something that made me feel so bad, the thought of not having it around actually made me afraid. I had become comfortable with it and it was as if I was contemplating losing a part of myself. In a way I guess I was.

With the help of my counselor, I came up with a plan to help me let go of the thing – fear – that was having such a negative impact on my life. The beauty of it is how simple it is. All I do is ask myself “What is the worst thing that can happen?”

Identifying, measuring, and doing what I can to mitigate my risks allows me to put my fear aside and move forward. My plan boosts my confidence, and creates a handy reference tool when I start feeling overwhelmed.

I wish I could say I was always successful at working this plan, but I cannot. What I can say is I am getting better at it. There are fewer times when I feel overwhelmed by fear. I can also say that less of my life is controlled by fear, and I have hope that someday soon it will have no control over any aspect of my life.

I understand, and realize that there is always a chance that my dreams might come true. I know if they do not it is not the end of the world. In the end, the very fact that I pursued my dreams makes me a more interesting, and well rounded person.

Be Yourself

February 28, 2011

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.

Joe Ancis

In my journey through depression treatment, I have encountered many things that frightened me. One of the most frightening has been getting in touch with who I really am, and putting aside the person I presented to the world.

For as long as I can remember I have craved acceptance, approval, and admiration. The catch was that I really believed I had nothing to offer. I was also very afraid of being ridiculed – either in my presence or behind my back. The only way I could think of to guard myself against that kind of harm was to create a fictional character. I thought this pretend version of me was everything I was not. Confident, nice, attractive, smart, happy, and engaging. I was wrong. The false version of me was really plastic and shallow. She was not a real person, therefore, she was incapable of feeling any real emotion.

My motto was “Fake it till you make it“. That attitude was tiring. I had to keep myself wound so tight – hoping none of the real me leaked through. In my mind, one of the worst things that could happen to me was if I relaxed for one moment, and let any part of the real me surface.That fake person guarded my heart – making it easy for me to keep the world (and myself) from being able to see the real me. No one really knew me, including myself.

Eventually, I got too weary – soul weary – to keep presenting the fake me. I was so depressed that the person I could have been was still hidden away – underneath sadness and pain.

We are what we believe we are. ~ C.S. Lewis

The first person I showed the real me to was my counselor. She was safe. Unlike other people, she is trained to not be judgmental. I did not have any worries about what her response to the real me would be. If I went in and said “I feel like crap today.”, her response was usually “Ok, do you want to tell me why?” Other people – who do not have her training – usually responded with advice like “If you would just get out more you would feel better.”

Eventually, the real me – that I was showing the counselor – started showing up in other places. Not often, but often enough for me to realize that life was so much easier as the real me. I became determined to do away with the pretender. There were three key things I did that aided me in that process.

1. I began sharing things about myself with other people. Usually, it was something that I may have not done exactly the right way, however, at the same time it was humorous. I learned that people enjoy hearing some of the silly things I do, and that I do not take myself so seriously that I can’t laugh at myself.
2. I started listening to other people – really hearing what was on their hearts, and minds. I listened without offering advice – unless asked – and let them know that I cared about them.
3. I learned how to relax. Not only by myself, but with other people as well. I found it was impossible to build walls up between myself, and other people when I am truly relaxed.

Who are you? Are you a different person than you allow other people to see? If so, try being yourself for a change.

Mondays With Melissa – Life Lived With Thoughtfulness

January 31, 2011

Melissa from Sugar Filled Emotions is back!!!! She has had a rough few months but she is back posting once a week. She is also one of the the people who founded WISE with me.

We should readjust our priorities to be proud not of how much we get done but what we’re able to achieve with a sense of enjoyment. ~ Alexandra Stoddard

Before my anxiety and depression began I was the chief cook and bottle washer, the taxi driver, and the maid in my family. I had a to-do list that never ended. I constantly felt as if I was overwhelmed, and that there was not enough of me to go around. If I could not get something on my list done, or if I started on it later than I planned, my stress levels increased ten-fold. In an effort to make sure that I could put a check mark next to everything on my daily list I often cut corners. I would not do the best I could on several things in order to complete them as rapidly as possible. There were many days when I got my to-do list done, but I did not feel any pride, or take any joy in what I had accomplished. I equated being super busy to having a fulfilled life. I was placing more value on how much I got done in a day, rather than living with purpose.

Once my depression, and anxiety manifested everything stopped. I did nothing, I valued nothing. When my depression, and anxiety symptoms started to lessen, and I was responding to my therapy, and medications more, it dawned on me how unsatisfied I had been. Despite how busy I had been, I had taken absolutely no satisfaction in anything I had done. When I was ready, I began doing one or two productive things around the house each day. I noticed that when I could accomplish at least one thing a day I had a sense of pride. I also paid attention to the fact that even though it may have been only one thing I had gotten done, I did it with more thought, and care than I used to. I think it was because I did not feel rushed, or that I had to accomplish a whole list of things in one day.

It did not take me long to figure out that I feel overwhelmed much quicker than I used to. Long gone are the days when I could multitask – managing many things at one time. That is a good thing. Instead of focusing on a list of things that MUST be done, I am living my life with thoughtfulness. and purpose. I have discovered that less can really be more not only for me, but for the people in my life as well. I focus my attention on things that really matter – my joy, my achievement of excellence, and what I contribute to other people.

It is as if my brain was a computer that had too many programs running at one time, and needed a reboot. The time when I was so depressed, and did nothing was the period of time when the computer was shut down. Now the computer is back up – fewer programs running, and in better shape. With less tasks for the computer to do, it is more stable, and efficient than it had been before.

At the end of everyday I ask myself a few questions to ensure I stay on the track of a life lived with thoughtfulness:

What did I do today that gave me a great sense of satisfaction?
What was one thing that I enjoyed doing today – delighted in?
What did I do today that was excellent?
What is something I did today I am extremely proud of?
What did I do today that will have a positive impact on another person?

How do you live your life? Is it filled with the hurry, scurry of a to-do list that never seems to end – often making you feel overwhelmed? Or do you live a life with thoughtfulness, having few tasks to do, but doing them with excellence?

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