Email Story
*** Adult Truths ***
1.I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer history if you die.
2.Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’rewrong.
3.I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4.There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5.How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.Was learning cursive really necessary?
7.Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.
8.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the persondied.
9.I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10.Bad decisions make good stories.
11.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when youknow that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of theday.
12.Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want tohave to restart my collection…again.
13.I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I wantto save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not makeany changes to.
14..I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answerwhen they call.
15.I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
16.I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17.I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18.I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19.How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nodand smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20.I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to preventa jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21.Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and youcan wear them forever.
22.Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not knowwhat time it is.
23.Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in apocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’dbet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, inabout 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24.The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 andthe first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men torealize that their brain is also important.
(Ladies……QuitLaughing!!)
Healthe past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoylife!!!
An Update On Cinderella
I received this email this morning and it made me smile. I hope it can brighten your day as well!
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching theworld go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob forcompanionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairygodmother.
Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother,what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived anexemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heartstill yearns?’
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtfulconsideration, she uttered her first wish:
‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish Iwere wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,’Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’
The fairy godmother replied,’It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frailbody, and said,’I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I oncehad.’
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching theworld go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob forcompanionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairygodmother.
Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother,what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived anexemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heartstill yearns?’
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtfulconsideration, she uttered her first wish:
‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish Iwere wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,’Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’
The fairy godmother replied,’It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frailbody, and said,’I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I oncehad.’
At once, her wish became reality, andher beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirringsinside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’
Cinderella looks over to thefrightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my oldcat, into a kind and handsome young man.’
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change inhis biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man sobeautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was goneas suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing atthe most beautiful,stunningly perfect man she had ever seen..
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in herrocking chair, & held her close in his young musculararms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as hewhispered…
‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off.’
How To Bath A Cat
*I took this from one of my best friends blogs. She is also the one who taught me about designing and she still helps me out when I mess up crap and need to fix it.
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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Great Letters!
I got this email at work and it made me smile so I figured you guys would like it as well!
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Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Not cool.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can’t touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack
PS, you totally let go.
Dear Girls Who Have Been Dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What exactly was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You’re the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because
some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear American People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely, Native Americans
Dear Smart Phones,
Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every Smart Phone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It’s kinda cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I
was here first.
Sincerely, Dr. Pepper
Another Great E-mail
I do like this approach!! Too bad none of our politicians can get this done…
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010
Put me in charge . . .
Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans,
blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want
steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women
Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get
tats and piercings, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your
“home” will be s ubject to inspections anytime and possessions will be
inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your
own place.
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or
you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We
will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo
and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”
Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of
the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before
you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,”
consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for
doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people’s m istakes we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system
rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is
correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will
voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t
welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.